My daughter is 4 and she says that it makes her heart sad because she thinks I’m “the best mom ever” and, this morning, she said she didn’t want to go to her father’s house. She’s hardly ever said that before. She said he only spends time with his girlfriend and she doesn’t want to go to her grandmother’s house. My hands are tied. She has to go to his house, legally. I told her that I’m sorry that that is happening to her, they shouldn’t be saying things that hurt her feelings. I told her that if they’re saying something that makes her heart hurt then she should politely ask them to stop and if they don’t, tell them you’d like to go home and ask them to please call your mom to come pick you up. I don’t know what else to do.
We’re already going to court again, which is why they’re being so hateful… but what are some things I can do for her in the meantime to make her feel less sad and reassure her that she is safe and loved?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Ex told my daughter I'm a bad mom because I'm fat
Record EVERYTHING. Voice record her telling you these things as well
My step sons mother does similar things, she tells our 3yo that she is so sad when he is not with him and she cries when he is gone. We have 50/50 and he loves both houses but it really makes his heart sad for her to think she’s crying when he is not with her, among many other things he repeats.
I don’t know why any parent would want their child’s heart to ache.
I would just reassure her for your love for her, his love for her and that she has the both of you. Since you can’t control the mean things he says about you, all you can do is reassure her in both words and actions that you support her relationship with her father and that you love her despite what is said.
Keep up the good work. Sounds like she’s already got it figured out.
Get a guardian ad litem for your child. That way they will listen to your daughters concerns.
Tell the court,or speak to the person that handels your case private.let your lil one talk to them.dad and grandma’s comments can have a impact on her life later on that can turn nasty.no dad should call his baby mamma fat, but you are doing great, just dont force her,shes still young.hope the court is in your favor.strongs and keep your head up,atleast they are thinking of u while his whit his ex​:rofl:
Seems like you are doing the right thing, have a talk with ex without a doubt.Definately document everything, but court date they wont allow u to speak on this, but if you have case manager get it on record.but just always rebuttal there negativeatey, youll be fine, sounds like your an excellent mom that knows what shes doing.
Have a very similar situation and as heart breaking as it is there’s literally nothing you can do other than keep fighting for her and take it back to court expressing your concerns otherwise the emotional damage will be priceless later on in the future definitely keep documents of everything as well
Take your daughter to a child psychologist that can go to court. This person can not only help the kiddo but can speak up for them.
Get her into counseling and try to find out if there is an advocate that can go to court for her because you will not be able to speak for her in court here we have I think it’s guardian angels for the kids they can Council on and go to court for them what he’s doing is abuse
Ask him to stop through text and if he doesn’t, keep her until court and explain to the court, don’t send your baby where she isn’t being treated fairly. Having to hear bad things about her mother is being mistreated. As a mom….don’t ever…ever think or say your hands are tied when it comes to your baby. 
Get her a children’s lawyer
I wouldn’t allow her to go of she doesn’t want to.
It can be written in the papers that neither of you are to talk bad about the other parent in a derogatory way in front of the child. What him and his mom are doing is child abuse.
They should keep their mouths shut in front of your child! No matter what they think your child shouldn’t have to hear it!!
I’m so sorry your little one has to deal with this. My ex was spiteful and vindictive like this so I know the heart ache this causes.
You need to contact the court, or your attorney if you have one, and ask them (every state is different) how you can have a Advocate appointed to her. Make sure you inform the court what they are doing. You also need to get her in counseling. Believe me it will help her.
Good luck momma!! Stay strong!
Keep doing what you’re doing Mama, because at 4 years old, she seems wiser than some adults. When she comes home and tells you these things, sit with her and ask her what she thinks. Ask her if she thinks mommy loves her. Ask her if she thinks mommy is a good mommy. Of course she will tell you how much she loves you and that you’re the best mom ever. That’s when you remind her that what she thinks is all that matters and that you love her. Make the conversation short and sweet and then hug her tight, kiss her face all over and tickle her. That’ll not only reinforce your love for her, but it’ll take her mind off of dad and his mean words. And encourage her to do like you said, use her little voice to speak up. On a side note, Dad and grandma deserve a punch to the throat! They could both absolutely hate you, for whatever reason, but them talking shit to a 4 year old about her mother, makes them scum! I don’t care what the situation is, no one parent should ever bad mouth the other parent to child!
We have a Guardian Ad Litem because of an issue similar to this, among other things. You can petition the court for one.
Sadly we cannot control what people say or do during their visits bring it up in court but I always told mine “parent” is upset with “parent” that’s why they’re saying hurtful things just ask them to stop and if they don’t ask to leave
I’m on the other side getting this same treatment (or I was) so I sat my bonus kids down one day after they tried to tell me all this stuff and I told them that all those extra opinions about me were just noise. They don’t know anything about me or my life, so they’re grasping at straws and bitter, which could be the case for you too. I’d have an honest conversation with her about how people can say what they want, but when their opinion is hurtful and irrelevant just treat it like noise. Yeah, it’s gonna sting hearing people talk about someone she loves like that, but if she sees you placing HER opinion of you above theirs and not valuing theirs at all, it will teach her a valuable lesson about ignoring bullies in situations like that
Make sure you document everything and let the judge know this. I deal with it to. My daughter is 12 but she knows better and she now hardly goes to see her father.
Since you are already going back to court, I would call your attorney or the courts and ask for an emergency hearing and make him have supervised visits until court is done. Also, get her into counseling. Ask the courts for a gal as well.
She is starting to resent him and that is hurting her mentally because of his own words. What he is doing is mental abuse.
Document everything. Even record her coming home saying these things.
I’m sorry you are going through this, this should never be happening to a four year old.
Try to get her into counseling and see if the court can assign her an child advocate/attorney that can speak on HER behalf. This is DEFINITELY damaging to a child and shouldn’t be tolerated. What’s ultimately going to happen is she’s going to start resenting him. I really can’t say what I want to say about him because Facebook likes to ban me. 
That is parental alienation and a form of abuse I’d keep notes of everything and bring him to court it is not ok.
So eat him. Poof. No more problems
Nope start documenting everything. Take it to court, make sure that judge knows and hears from your little ones mouth that she does not want to go there
I am sorry you and your daughter are going thru this. Its abuse. Mental 100%. I would speak to them directly. Tell them it stops. Your daughter will very quickly form an opinion about them, you keep being a great mom
Tell him exactly what she told you! Tell him if this continues that she will not be coming back until after court. He shouldn’t even be speaking of you when she is there. Tell them you will contact your lawyer about the situation if they can’t grow up and be adults. I wouldn’t force her to go if she says she doesn’t want to.
Get it added to the new order there isn’t any negative or bashing of parent by anyone. Not dad, gf, or grandma.
Well, I have an attorney for our child custody case and she has her own guardian ad litem as well. My attorney says I dont have to send her if I dont believe she is safe or well cared for. It doesn’t seem like they have the best interest for the child when they fill her head with nonsense and confusion.
Make sure you let the judge know all of this when you go to court! When I was younger, I was a trouble maker and ended up in foster care at the age of 13, I hadn’t seen my sperm donor in at least 6 years and the courts tried to make me do visits with him, I attempted them until he started talking mad trash about my mom, like your daughter said it hurt my feelings and made me angry, the next time we went to court I told the judge how I felt myself about the situtation and they told me since he made me feel that way that I did not have to see him if I didn’t want too. I know every situation is different but I would make sure the judge knows what all is happening there, that is mental abuse & your daughter should not have to deal with it especially at such a young age, makes my heart hurt for her 
As someone who grew up the same way. You need to start documenting everything. In a notebook. Write it all down. The date she told you, as well as the time. Write word for word. You can use that in court. Also get it added in the order, no hurtful comments from dad, girlfriends, grandma, or any family member for that matter! There’s really not much you can do other than write it down in a notebook, but assure your daughter she’s loved. Bring it up In court that she doesn’t want to go.
Are there toys that record? I’m going to age myself but I had a tape recorder. Ironically my dad gave it to me 
. I carried it everywhere. I did an audio diary of sorts, “radio tv shows” etc. Anyway I was in the basement recording myself & my dad. I guess my step mother didn’t realize we were recording. She started ranting about my mom. Same type of stuff. I didn’t even realize I got her on tape until awhile later. Then I just started hitting record all the time. That tape was the “star witness” when my stepmom made my dad take my mom to court for more visitation, lower child support (he paid $25 a month) & to stop paying my medical. My mom didn’t show it to the judge. I did. Anyway if you could get her toy or something that she’s always playing with maybe she can accidentally record them? Judges don’t like it when parents bad mouth the other parent.
I was older when this happened though. You’ll have to present the evidence to the court on her behalf.
I know some judges have it put in papers that the parents aren’t allowed to talk bad about the other parent around or to the child.
I would think about play therapy. Let the therapist know what she is going through. It would not only help her cope but be an advocate for her during court to have someone else verify how this kind of behavior effects a child. It can force a judge to scold and hopefully revise anything this father thinks he’s going to get “away” with. This is why “child in the middle” is required in my state. It says you can’t talk bad about the other parent in front of the child. However there’s not really reason for a parent not to if they don’t care about the well being of their child.
Yeah I would so be taking him back to court for that. That very well can lead to supervised visitations
Courts will not like this info. You can document it BUT they could come back and say you made it up. I suggest getting a counselor and having them document on your behalf. The courts can order her records from the counselor and they will take then as “proof”
It’s written in our court order that we are not to bash the other parent or family members. To some it may just be writing and he may not follow it, but if it’s in writing and it continues you at least have that he is violating a court order
My ex was dropping my son off in full blown heartbreaking tears after BS he had said to him … Very similar situation… After the 3rd time I sent my son inside and stopped him in the road before he drove off and went tf off, if he cared at ALL for his child as much as he said he does he will STOP putting shit in his head before drop offs, a lot more was said … . The whole neighborhood heard it I didn’t care but after that … It stopped … You can TRY to set a stern boundary with him otherwise bring it all up in court … sorry your child if going through that 
Let the court listen to what shes saying and theyll decide what’s the best option for her.
You cannot believe everything a child tells you. She could’ve wanted to say that herself so she put it on her dad, kids do things like that. Don’t come to him with that drama without having a serious sit down with your daughter. Ask her if daddy really said all those things.
Think. If you aren’t fat why would he say something like that? Sounds like something random a child would come up with.
I’m sad for you because I had this happen and it only hurts the child . You are so better off , away from that man .
See if you can get her a smart watch. We got our daughter a gizmo through Verizon. She can call and message who we want her to. And we can track where she is. If they won’t let her contact you, she can use her watch to call you
I think you need to push for GAL or therapy to show parental alienation on their part. It may not be working right now but in the future it might. Deal with it now.
Emotional abuse,get her some therapy and you can use that in court too.
If you can look into counselling for her would be the best. My father left home 
and my parents separated. My paternal grandmother and my father did the same thing and talked bad about my mother but in my presence and when I wasn’t around them. I could hear them through the corridor.
However, it hurts too much until today that they were that kind of people.
I would use it in court and that is a form of parental alienation and they want to make your kid resent you as well. Since the father and family 
feel that way about you.
It’s not your problem, it’s theirs… and they will probably never change. However, your daughter comes first and they shouldn’t be doing that.
Sounds like it would be best to get her into therapy and take him back to court to get an order for him to cease and desist.
It’s sad isn’t it? I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Just talk to your child and let them know that it isn’t right to call people names, etc. She already understands as she doesn’t want to see her dad. My kids went through this and as adult teenagers they are choosing to distance themselves from their father for many reasons. Just make sure you don’t do what he is doing. Be the bigger person.
I would definitely say take her to a child psychologist but also teach her to speak her feelings to her dad/grandmother. “You make me sad when you say mean things about my mom.” Teach her to say it as often as she needs. Emotional abuse is a powerful thing but something I’ve learned from being in this position as a child is when you speak aloud to them repeatedly what they are doing every-time they do it they loose their confidence in it (at least for that moment). Just like all bullies.
Just get full custody. It will be better for her. Allow him visitation once a week for a few hours but make sure you record/write down everything she is saying to you because the judge needs to know.
Put her in therapy another person being told is a good thing for your court hearing have the judge order a guardian aid litem for your daughter these things do happen one of my daughters deals with the same thing but I have them to talk to me about it and of coursei remind them what they think is all tha matters not the other parent
You need to make a list of all the things she’s told you he’s said talk to your attorney and ask if the judge can talk to her one on one in chambers when you go back… that way there’s no pressure to please you or dad and the judge can ask if he is saying xyz and hear it from her directly … then I guarantee that ish will not fly and be ok with any judge and he/she will demand he puts a stop to it or else…
Ask the judge to send his family to do the parenting after separation course , in Canada it’s mandatory and it teaches the parents what wrong or right about what’s being said to the child ! It should be mandatory everywhere
I wouldn’t let her go back until you went back to court. No parent should be doing that to a child
I told mine that even adults can have hurt feelings and say mean things. Sometimes hurt feelings make us angry and we forget to share and be kind and happy. Then we’d discuss ways they handle hurt feelings and friends. Daddy loves them so much and is mad the judge makes us share time so everyone gets a turn together. Saying mean things about people is never okay but even grown ups forget. Maybe no words about mommy would be best until he feels better.
Her Grandmother is abusive with what she is saying . I would have a face to face asap . She has no rights to say that to your child or around your child . Idgaf who has what in the agreement I would refuse to let my child be abused.
If you’re going to court request they stop talking about you to her or around her. This is considered mental abuse. In the meantime I would act dismissive like it doesn’t bother you so she can follow your example. Also, therapy. The dismissive part might not be for you but it works for us. I want my boys to be strong and understand that others words and thoughts do not define us.
I would literally give that baby a cheap phone that she can call you on if she is sad about them saying these things and wants to go home. She can nicely tell them she doesn’t like that they’re saying and it hurts her and she’s calling her mom to go home.
I would definitely bring the hateful and bad mouthing up in court. A judge will put it in the court papers that neither parent can bad mouth the other around the child. Also make it so your child isn’t allowed at the grandmother’s house if she is toxic.
When I got divorced it was mandatory that we both took parenting classes. State law so I just figured I would handle the obligation and move on, not really expecting much. Mostly I was right BUT there was one thing I heard that stuck even 24 years later… Never bad mouth the other parent because that parent is 50% of the child’s DNA and at some point a kid may believe if the person responsible for 50% of them is “bad”, they have “bad” in them. My ex did A LOT of horrible things including bad mouthing me and it was HARD at times not to retaliate. But I didn’t say anything bad about him.
I understand from the perspective you are in because we really can’t control what someone else does or says. But we CAN control how we react. I absolutely agree with the advice to get your daughter counseling and even a guardian ad litem (if you can afford it- sometimes that expense falls to the parent/s). But on a day-to-day, when she talks to you, I would respond by saying things like “daddy is probably [hurt, upset, etc] and sometimes when adults feel that way, we say things we don’t always mean or shouldn’t say”. I would NOT encourage a 4 year old to challenge either dad or grandma on it in the moment because that could potentially escalate the trash talk and only hurt her more. Instead I would say to her “when that happens, just remember that they are only speaking out of hurt or anger and even though it’s not ok, don’t worry about the things they say about me. I am your mom and I always love you and I always have your best interests at heart. I will always be here for you. Do your best to ignore it and try not to let it hurt your feelings because it doesn’t hurt mine”. Those conversations with my kids worked best (along with counseling). And as my kids grew older, they saw my ex for who he was. I never needed to explain THAT to them.
As far as the visitation schedule if daughter is questioning you about “keeping her from dad”, simply ask her if she WANTS more time with him (she’s already indicated she doesn’t) and just tell her that answers THAT accusation.
It’s not easy and I KNOW that. At times it completely broke me. There’s nothing worse than seeing your kid in pain. But keep going the way you are- looking out for your daughter and making sure she’s protected. You got this!
You can’t control what others say or do, even if it’s about you. Only think you can control is your reaction to it, teach her a good way to react to it (either ignore or ask them to stop). She is allowed to have boundaries, and if they continue to cross those boundaries she can say to them that she doesn’t want to go over there if they aren’t going to stop. It would put the choice in their hands if they want to continue to upset her. If they do, take your documentation to court and ask that their time be reduced or supervised. Sounds like she has a great mama and a good head on her shoulders. Just continue to be her safe protective space, they learn quick who is there for them.
I don’t know you but ma’am you are my soul sister. I’ve gone through LITERALLY the same thing. Our oldest was almost 5 when our situation occurred. Paternal grandmother was calling me a b*th & my CHILD had to defend me. I was called fat & ugly by their father & was sent texts saying the new wife (that he cheated on me with) was so much better ect. My children still loved him but found themselves hearing too much. With time, it calmed down. Now that oldest is 13 & her & her sister made their own decisions based on what they saw & heard because I absolutely refused to ever badmouth my ex in front of my children. Still stand by that. Worst thing I’ve said is your dad doesn’t always make the best decisions. That stepson has come & gone & we are now friends & she’s said that she should have listened to my warnings all along. I’d definitely recommend therapy. I found it to be a necessity for my kiddos.
After 4yrs I learned to just ignore it. Miserable people will always have the most to say! I deal with my ex, his family, and my bf’s bm always saying the worst about me.
The fact is dysfunctional people arent above poison the well tactics with their ex’s, using children to do it is usually the only weapon in their arsenal, although your getting plenty of good advice here I would recommend caution in regards to sending recording and video devices with her, that could backfire in so many ways and even if it succeeded would likely be inadmissible if not damaging to your case in court
If people would just see the people they are really hurting is their children. Not the x-wife, or x baby momma, x-husband or x baby daddy. It is their own kids. Please just be respectful of each other when talking to your children. They didn’t get divorced from either of their parents, they love them both. Poisonous words are tearing them in half leaving them insecure, sad, with mental problems as young children & adults. Wake up broken families, you are creating broken humans, who are afraid to love or make commitments.
Get legal advice and go back to court. This kind of behaviour from Dad and his family is not okay, can be damaging. Here where I live it’s considered alienation and is grounds for legally changing the order to restrict access. See a lawyer to see if you have the legal grounds to withhold visitation while waiting for court.
You need to have a loving and caring clause in your custody order so that way if it continues it violates the order and it keeps a paper trail.
That’s tough. Too bad he isnt bright enough to realize he is hurting her, when he hurts you. Providing a secure world is the least he can do. I always said “Daddy must be dealing with something or he wouldn’t say hurtful things.” Eventually they come to understand who has their best interests at heart. Dont stop to his level and reap rewards later.
Sit down with your ex and have a calm conversation. Children need both parents and to teach them not to talk bad about anyone. You don’t need a bully on your hands down the road, cause this is what the grandmother is teaching.need to teach to be kind to everyone.
Good answer. If she wants to come home, have her call. Let them know that their behavior is unacceptable.
Who cares. You should go back to the courts, because he’s emotionally stressing your baby.
She’s four it’s manipulation. Tell the court or ask for supervised visitation
You’re doing a good job because you are not retaliating
Document everything and put her in counseling. Let the courts know what happens at dad’s and have proof via counseling
Keep track of everything your daughter tells you. It may or may not be relevant when you go to court.