He Cheated, Do I Stay or Go?

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QUESTION:

"My husband and I have been together for 12 years we have 4 kids together. About 6 months ago he cheated on me and left me for one of my married friends. They were together for about a month and a half it was horrible at first he was absolutely awful to me. After a month and a half he came back crying and saying he messed up and was willing to do anything to get me back. Even after everything my soft spot for him was there so I chose to try to work through everything. That lasted about a month of him going above and beyond and he was so nice and amazing. Then he went back to his normal way of life and expects me to just forgive and forget. I’m still not even close to okay with everything happened and now he gets mad at me anytime I bring anything up or I am having a hard day thinking about everything. On top of all of that he drinks wayyy too much and that has always been our biggest fight in our marriage. He always tells me he knows he needs to not drink so much and he will work on it. But nothing ever changes. His words are becoming empty to me because he admits things he needs to be better at but never does anything to actually change them and whenever I bring up ANYTHING about what he did he turns the fight around on me and somehow it’s my fault and then starts telling me I can’t believe you brought this shit up and ruined the day. For example When I had found out they were saying I love you I filed for divorce but I had texted him upset because my daughter saw the messages on his phone and his response was move the fu** on quit worrying about what I do. So I did I never started seeing anyone but I did sleep with someone while we were split up after he told me to move on. Fast forward to now whenever what he did comes up he turns it around on me and says you diD the same f***ing thing to you slept with another guy and makes me feel bad about it. Even though that was after he cheated left me told me to move on and I had filed for divorce. There is so much more to all of it but I’m just wondering if maybe I don’t want to be with him and have a life of wondering what he is doing and no trust and being treated mediocre and maybe I am just staying with him because it’s “comfortable”. Or maybe since I have been sticking around even after everything and trying to make it work I actually do want to be with him. I see so many others that don’t have as hard of a time getting divorced after infidelity so I’m so confused if I do want it to work or I don’t. Also obviously I want our family together and my kids to have their parents together but he chose to not have our family together so I try to remember he chose that not me!"

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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.

"Actions speak louder than words. And you can’t help that the situation gets brought up because you’re still hurt. He can’t tell you how to feel and to just “get over it”. It seems like you may never fully trust him again so maybe it’s best to split up"

"He only acted “right” long enough to try to hook you back again. He didn’t change. You can take as long as you need to feel however you do. You don’t have to ever be okay with it or ever get over it. He made those choices. It’s not him."

"It sounds like he’s not really even feeling he did anything wrong,and he’s not willing to do the work to earn your trust back. I’d ask him to try marital therapy with you and see if that helps. In the end if it doesn’t I’d leave him. He created the mess not you. You deserve better."

"Sounds like you both need to move on as there’s no trust on either side."

"He did this to your family, and now he is gaslighting you for being hurt. We can’t tell you what’s best for you and your family but I would strongly think about what you want and what example you want for your children. Maybe counseling would be a good start."

"His side chick went back to her husband and he had nowhere to go. He was good for as long as it took him to get back in your house. He will never change, and it will get worse. File the papers and move on. Life is too short…and your kids shouldn’t have to grow up with a drunk and parents that are miserable with each other."

"He wont change, sis. And staying for the kids…most of time is more toxic to the kids."

"I’ve said this a million times, kids are not always better off just because their parents are together. This guy sounds terrible"

"Youre right, his words are empty… they mean nothing. He manipulated you after breaking your heart … you were vulnerable and he took advantage. Im sorry to tell you but hes not going to change, theres too much damage and you deserve better. Don’t you dare let him make you feel bad about seeking out another man well he was cheating on you for God knows how long with your suppose it friend and then left you for her. Please know youre worthy of so much better. Make him leave, you will heal … and become so much stronger for it."

"it would be easier without him"

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