I am at my wits end with my ten year old son. Some brief back story, we adopted him out of foster care when he was almost four. We’ve done a lot of work with him and fully realize he will probably need extra assistance for years to come. He has exhibited some disturbing behaviors and is seeing a therapist for them.
The big problem right now in the housr is the lying and hiding things. This has been going on for years and he’s just not making any progress. If anything, he’s getting more skilled at lying to me without missing a beat.
My husband and I have worked hard to create an environment that rewards being honest, clearly defining expectations/rules and consequences, and working with his issues but not letting them be an excuse/letting him have free reign.
Today was the motherload - found dirty underwear stashed all over his room (bedwetting is something we are working with his docs and psychologist on), stealing snacks (although we always have food available), hiding school work, stealing siblings electronics, stealing items from his father and I.
I lost my cool today, he got chewed out pretty good about how if he can’t be honest I can’t give him any freedom. His room had been stripped down to the bear minimum so I can find hidden items, all toys are in a common playroom.
We’ve worked so hard to get him to understand that all he has to do is ask if he wants something. When he does, he’s rarely told no unless there is a good reason (ie wanting a snack as I’m about to serve dinner). We seriously praise truthful and forthcoming actions.
We will obviously continue to work with his psychologist, doctor, teachers, specialists, ect. (It’s truly a group effort), but I’m hoping you parents may have some additional suggestions on what I can try that’s worked for you to curb lying/hiding/being sneaky about things.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Help and suggestions? We have a lot to work through
It sounds like you are doing the best you can right now. I agree with stripping his room down to nothing so he can’t hide things. He’s old enough to know, respect, and follow the expectations you have for him.
Linda maybe some ideas in here
Stripping his room bare can potentially lead to anxiety towards materialistic things and may make the stealing worse. It may be a psychological issue which all the praise in truthfulness won’t do anything about, but have you tried focusing on developing empathy with him so that he can see how his actions truly affect other people? Here’s how one parent helped their child hold themselves accountable when they stole money:
I have been thru this as well. When 8 quit bigg dealing it and said ill love you thru it. Just don’t hide, clean up and put on dirty clothes. It stopped
I am dealing with the lying and sneaking with my 9 year old also. I have also taken everything but her bed and dresser out of her room. We have tried writing sentences, saying “I will not lie” 100 times, grounding, etc. The most recent attempt was a report on lying and what it can cost you. She just finished it tonight so I haven’t even read it yet. We’ll see if that worked.
Speaking as someone who is adopted… Maybe try not punishing and possibly figure out the why? He was adopted out of foster care ( as was I) and may have some issues due to trauma. I am in no way saying the lying and stealing is ok but since you mentioned bed wetting and hiding food this sounds more like a trauma issue than your typical bad behavior.
I mean this with nothing but love, but maybe you would benefit from some counseling too. His perspective is different than yours, and it sounds like his environment is very controlling. He needs space to be the still-learning child, and imperfect human that he is. From his perspective, when he does something that makes him feel shame, he hides it because he worries you’ll be mad. And you perpetuate that worry because when you find the evidence, you get angry. You cannot easily explain to a child that he’s safe to tell you the truth when you’re angry. It’s something that cannot be easily rationalized for a child through trauma. I suggest addressing one issue at a time, with love and acceptance, instead of exploding on everything all at once. Find somewhere else to express your frustration. He needs to see you as his calm, loving place to land, no matter what. I’m also concerned by some of the words and phrases I’m seeing. How does a child “steal” food from his own home? He isn’t your roommate. He isn’t a neighbor. He’s your child. That’s his home and his food too. If he’s dealing with food insecurity, you can’t punish him for eating. You may rarely tell him no, but in his situation, maybe he should never be told no when it comes to food…maybe something more like, “now isn’t an appropriate time for that snack choice. Maybe later?” When you find that he has taken food against your wishes, you can’t get angry. You have to address the real issue, which can be hard as hell to understand. Trauma is tricky and it causes behaviors that don’t make sense. Instead of anger and punishment, try something like, “oh, were you hungry? I thought we had discussed that it wasn’t an appropriate time for that snack. If you’re still hungry, let me know next time instead of trying to hide it. You don’t have to eat in secret.” Food and hunger are not something to be ashamed of, and your response is going to shape his learned reflexes. He’s going to get better at lying and stealing. He’s going to feel unsafe. He’s going to grow to resent you. You’ll end up with an adult son who keeps his distance, and you won’t understand why, because from your perspective, you were loving and tried to instill values. Your heart is in the right place, but you need to find a different approach.
I’ve been in your shoes when I took in my adopted younger brother. My mom was at her witts end, so I took guardianship of him for a few years. It was hard. I had to learn how to help him unlearn bad habits that developed from trauma that he couldn’t even articulate. Counseling helped a ton. We went together and he went on his own. Eventually, I went on my own too. We started keeping a journal where we could communicate back and forth when things we hard to say. Every night , before bed, I hugged him for 1 full minute. I claimed it was because I needed the love, and even though he rolled his eyes, he started coming to me for those hugs. I got the best results when I stopped punishing him and started reflecting on what my expectations were, and WHY. They often didn’t match the child I had…they matched the person I AM. And we’re different. I started being there for him instead of parenting with an iron fist. It was hard. I know this is hard for you, but please remember how hard it is for him too.
I had an amnesty table for a former foster teen who liked to take things that were not his. If he acquired something during the day that wasn’t his he could put it on the table outside his room and there were no consequences. We might talk about how he got it and why, but nothing else. He slowly stopped taking things. As far as food, we had 3 teenage boys, so went through a lot of food. I would buy 45 boxes of cereal for the month at Aldis and he would eat a box himself at night. I started buying extra and putting certain ones out for him at night if he needed it. He eventually stopped that as well. Good luck.
Some think them lies are true I don’t think they get out of it
Positive reenforcement works better than punishment in a lot of scenarios. Maybe try turning the table and giving him incentives and excessive praise when he’s exhibiting appropriate behavior and retract those things when he exhibits inappropriate behavior while also explaining why he didn’t earn his incentive. Consistency is key.
My sons like this you can pm me for support 
From someone that has been in his shoes. It’s mainly a personal issue within himself from the past trauma. It took years for me to get out of it. I did literally everything you mentioned plus more. I was maybe 14-15 when I grew out of it. Try more one on one attention with him and make a bin for just him for snacks ect. There may be things that you say or act that reminds him of past trauma that you wouldn’t realize. It could even be a certain tone a well
Coming from a child who did ALL of those things and dealt with a traumatic childhood, i want to just give you insight on why I did it. I don’t know your situation and I’m not saying this is why he is doing these things…just an idea.
The main reason I resorted to lying was because even after I got out of the situation that caused my trauma I still struggled to feel safe. It was like lying helped me protect myself, even when it didn’t make sense and was pointless whit lies. As far as stealing food and items, I did it because my brain was still in survival mode even though I was completely safe. In my previous situation, I didn’t always have access to food and I didn’t have material things. (Like I was lucky if I wasn’t wearing the same pair of underwear for a week.) Sometimes I stole really pointless stuff but it came from a desire to feel secure, and having “things” helped my tiny brain feel that way. Or stealing food, when it wasn’t even remotely necessary so I could ensure I wasn’t going to go hungry was another way I would cope with a moment of feeling insecure.
I bedwet up until I was about 8, and I hid my stuff too. And deep down I felt like I was dirty and gross and even though it wasn’t a reason to hide it, I did it because I would have this feeling that if my parents found out they would somehow love me less or I would disappoint them. Now all of these traumatic responses I am telling you, stemmed from a broken place in my spirit and if you had asked me as a child why I would do those things, I would truly tell you “I don’t know.” And I didn’t, and it didn’t matter how many times you asked…I just didn’t know why, but In the moment it felt like it was what I needed to do. I had no way of really understanding and processing why I did it. Children, even with help, have a very hard time processing trauma and feelings. Our brains need time to develop, after all. For years when I was in a safe environment, I would resort to those things based on natural instinct and as a protective mechanism instilled in me. I’m not saying your child is doing all these things for the same reason, but I’m trying to say sometimes trauma response can be exhibited in strange behaviors that don’t make sense to you. As a child I felt misunderstood because even I didn’t know why I did the things I did, so I never had a good response; just a deep need and a void to fill.
I’m sure it must have been so frustrating for my family that took care of me, I’m sure you may wonder if you are doing something wrong. But don’t. It sounds like he is very loved and getting help at a much earlier age than I did. With time, patience, positive reinforcement and speaking affirmations and healing over him…I’m sure he will grow out of it. I did.
He may wet his bed due to nightmares. Talk to him about them. He may hoard food due to being starved or hes afraid of being starved. If you don’t have a church family I highly suggest getting one. Pray with him daily. Ask him why he lies and let him know it’s unnecessary. Let him know you have an open mind and he can trust you without lying. Everything he does has a reason. Ask him what it is. Maybe even have him write it down if he doesn’t want to talk to you. Writing down how we feel can be healing. He’s been thru a lot of trauma.
God bless.
Try not to make him a Fournier in a fouren land…his ovesiousy had trama in his life time…who knows what his real parents where like…DNA…runs deep in the blood…maybe he went hungry in his last home…the meaner you are to the boy the worse he’ll become… stripping his room is stealing his identity…his self worth and leaving him feeling unwanted and unworthy…he may be stealing little items but your stealing his self worth…robbing him of personal space with in his home…
Sounds like he has no space and he’s treated like he’s adopted and not actually your son. It’s sad.
This makes me so sad. It’s easy to just stick your kid in counselling but what about counselling for yourself and your husband? As a child who was constantly told what I was doing wrong from people who never took much accountability for stuff…it did a lot of damage. My daughter hoards food in her room but it’s also always been an open kitchen upbringing. Eat if you are hungry. This whole thing just makes me so sad
Taking food sounds like am extinct for survival maybe previous homes weren’t extremely strict on his food consumption etc.
Councilling may be good for him but parenting classes wouldn’t hurt for you guys either. This kid is obviously traumatized by something.
This post just makes me so sad.
You need to take some parenting classes on bringing up a child with childhood trauma.
There’s so much here that you clearly do not understand. You need to see the world through his eyes to truly understand these behaviours. Sounds like your just adding to his trauma (stripping his room bare, chewed out pretty bad because he cant be honest? Wtf?!?) than breaking down those walls
Yea yall may have had him what 7 years. But those very early childhood trauma characteristics can take a lifetime of work to break down. We are talking about survival instincts kicking in with a 3yo (stealing food now, totally normal). That’s not something you just forget. That’s hard wired into their little souls.
My son is very similar and lying is a constant issue. One thing that stops it when it gets out of control and this is probably controversial but idc your opinion but spanking. Sounds extreme but yes. Each lie he tells he gets one spanking. Five lies, five spankings. It was constant and one lie quickly turns into five trying to cover up the first. It has become where I don’t trust what he says at face value anymore and I explained he’s lost that trust. Takes probably about two weeks or so for us but this always kinda puts that back in check. He’ll start lying a lot again as I start catching lies then yep back to spanking. I feel bad and slack off because it doesn’t seem necessary anymore. My son almost 7 adhd, hf autism and anxiety. No bed wetting, I gave birth to him he’s been with us his whole life and he’s lived a pretty sheltered privileged life. But I get it trust me. We have OT, behavioral therapy, physiatrist and he has therapists at school that help him class as well.
Forster care is a whole different thing to tackle. Even though he’s been out for awhile. He definitely needs to continue with counseling. Have you and your husband sought out counseling as well? Also there are groups for other adoptive parents for children from foster care. I have found with my clients (I’m a counselor) that this is helpful. Try the website Nami. Also family counseling would be beneficial. Even with the other siblings possibly.
They say when there is one finger pointing at someone got you 4 pointing back 
Love pray grace
ADHD and other similar issues as well as anxiety ?
Maybe needs new parents 
those all sound like things caused by abuse. why are you acting like they are not and he is doing it on purpose? Why are you making him worse?
TY for adopting. Maybe he has fears to overcome?? Def ask his therapist 1st but maybe Kung fu, tai kwon do class would help him??
Childhood trauma is hard and stays with us all our lives. Follow the advice of the experts. Continue to show him hes in a safe place where people love him .
Theres comments here from people who have lived his life and ive nothing to add to those 
Reactive Attachment D/O. It might be worth looking into.
Parental counseling is needed. This child came from a toxic environment so please don’t make it worse for him. Instead of looking with your eyes, try to figure it out with his eyes. But definitely both of y’all need parental counseling to.
Parental counseling is needed. This child came from a toxic environment so please don’t make it worse for him. Instead of looking with your eyes, try to figure it out with his eyes. But definitely both of y’all need parental counseling to.
I’m wondering if his behavior problems stem from not having a loving caregiver before adoption resulting in reactive attachment disorder. If that’s the case I would say seek out a specialized therapist that can help get through these underlying problems.
To lie and understand is an adult word when you say to a child stop lying they really don t understand for a child its just a way to get him out of upsetting you because he doesn t know what he did only that you or dad are upset.sounds like he s been to hell and back at such a young age try and be kind otherwise he will begin to think what the hell they are always upset with me when in is world all he wants is someone to love him and to feel safe.
Maybe he hides snacks because he once was starved and didn’t have food. He could love using the electronic and he hides them because he thinks they will be taken away from him. Maybe he hides the wet clothes because he was once beaten because he wet the bed and does want you to beat him. Old behaviors are hard to break. If you once had nothing.
Please look into RAD reactive attachment disorder there are many support groups you are not alone.
Exactly what I was thinking. Would you say your other children were stealing food??? It’s not stealing. You bought that food for your children to EAT. All of them. Not just your biological children. I don’t think food should be in the category of what he can steal.
It may never stop not to add to your stress just being honest
He probably also has a lot of trauma related to his first chapter of life. Maybe try to make him really feel like this is his home. He can’t steal food, it’s for him to eat. Let him know he’s welcome here. This is his safe space.
What are his past traumas? Was there food shortage? Were there adults he could trust? It takes years to.un do the damage. Maybe you having therapy/parenting support will help.you deal.with your frustrations. Its hard because you’ve been loving him longer than he was in the system so you think that would be enough but the traumas are so deeply ingrained it will take years. Keep.at it though with extra support you can get through it xxx
My son does this and was just diagnosed with autism. They said that can be part of it, not understanding clear boundaries. He’s 8 and was just diagnosed because I pushed for a psych evaluation because his actions don’t represent who he is. He a very sweet loving nurturing child but lies about things that are blatantly obvious and hides everything. Now we know what we have to work on and have a care plan set up
I would give him a little basket full of snacks, carton of juice etc thats just for him, to keep in his room and to eat at any time. Explain to him once a day you will refill it or he can bring it to you to be refilled if he notices its running low. I would buy a seperate laundry hamper with a lid and put a label saying “private” on it. I would encourage him to put all his messy things in there and whatever goes in there we won’t talk about unless he wants to talk about it first. And there will no punishments for anything that gets put in there because its private to him. Hopefully this can build trust and reassurance! Good luck mumma!
Put his stuff back
If in his previous life he lacked food belongings etc you just reinforced that trauma. IMHO keep reassuring him he is loved and that you will be there for HIM. Be patient and continue the other avenues as well therapy etc GOD BLESS
#motherto5fosteradopted
He sounds like he learned these skills to survive and is afraid of still needing them now, or in a future when things could get bleak again. Keep a small refrigerator in his room, or a box with non-perishables constantly stocked with snacks and non-messy food so he knows he will always have something to eat under his control that no one else can take from him.
Give him a stash of money in a kids lock box only he can open, like 20 $1 bills so he knows he has funds no one else can steal.
Take him to the grocery store and have him help pick out items on your list so he can see you have access to food and other items in abundance. Give him a reward if he doesn’t try to steal or hide anything. If he does, go back to the store to have him return it and apologize or pay for it from his lockbox and apologize.
Have him help prepare meals so he is part of the process and sees he has access to food and some of the skills to prepare it. He can measure, pour, stir, shake in spices, get utensils, or bring bread, butter, less-breakable or less spillable items from shelves, cabinets & the refrigerator, for example. May want to hold off on letting him turn things on like the stove, oven, mixer, blender for now; maybe using the toaster or microwave would be OK as they turn off automatically. This can be an all-kids activity but occasionally do it just with him.
Let him have his own toys in his room that his siblings aren’t allowed to touch. Just having things available for everyone in a central location isn’t enough to quell his fears that it could all be taken away in an instant by someone else or just disappear overnight.
Maybe have a police officer talk to him about the consequences of lying and stealing, and explain to him how the police can be helpful to him too. He may have had messages imprinted that police are the enemy and/or that there is no consequence for lying and stealing.
This might curb some lying and stealing which may come from a place of deprivation and survival. Did he learn to steal from his birth family, either by observing their behavior or because they taught him to steal for them? Sit down and explain to him in terms he can understand that you have stable finances and money saved and insurance for emergencies so he knows you won’t be evicted and put on the street at some point, that you will always see he has what he needs and some wants until he is able to support himself a long way into the future.
Show him the adoption papers and explain to him how he won’t ever lose you or be taken from your family—you are together forever, you both promised and swore in front of a judge that you would take care of him for life and you are true to your word. Think of an example when you kept your word to get him ice cream, took him to the park, or picked him up from someplace, especially if it’s a recurring thing like getting him to & from the therapist’s office.
Have a big stack of underwear that is always full to counteract the dirty ones. Have a diaper pail or smell-containing container for them, or let him “sneak” his dirty underwear into the washing machine so they are “anonymous” so he won’t feel like he’ll be “found out” and punished for accidents. Sounds like he may have been beaten for having accidents from an early age or sexually abused and told to hide messy underwear. Can he wear pull-ups or similar until he’s more comfortable?
Maybe once every few days comb through his room with him to find things he’s stashed away. Laugh when you find something and tell him, “you know what to do with this! Now go do it.” Have him clean up any spills, crumbs, whatever under your guidance and supervision. After a year of this he should be accustomed to doing the right thing. It will take longer for him to change his behavior because of the impact of past trauma.
Hoarding, stealing and lying may be his way of taking control over his life. It’s a mechanism for avoiding pain, so look for why he thinks the opposite behavior would bring negative and/or painful situations. Give him as much control over things as you can: let him pick from several safe choices: “Do you want to wear the green, blue, or red sweater today? Shall we have leftover pizza or meatloaf for dinner tonight? What present should we get (name) for their birthday? A toy truck? A video game, or tickets to the movies? Do you want your (furniture /container) on this side of the room or that side, or in your closet? Did you want to take a bath or do homework first? What do you want for lunch today, yoghurt, peanut butter sandwich or a turkey Lunchable?” Would you rather watch Elf or The Peanuts movie tonight?”
Be sure he & the other kids have fun together with other safe and kind people (while being COVID safe) to boost his trust of others. Physical exercise does wonders for everyone, and so does fresh air. Walks or hikes in parks, going to the pool (have dad mandate regular potty breaks or get son incontinence briefs for water), bike rides, ice skating, trampoline parks, mini golf, tossing a ball or frisbee around, volunteering for stream clean up days, picking up litter (wear plastic gloves) either as an organized activity or on your own, helping a neighbor rake and bag leaves, shovel snow, or pull weeds, washing the car if it’s allowed where you live.
Yoga, Tai chi, other martial arts and meditation are great practices for mind, body & spirit that the whole family can enjoy together or individually. They also build self-confidence and self-esteem.
Taking on a child who has been abused/traumatized/deprived is a real labor of love and I salute your whole family for taking on the challenge. Sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things and being a great mom. It takes so much effort and patience to deal with it all. What has changed in the 6 years you have had him that may have precipitated this hoarding and lying behavior? Does he attend public or private school, or is he homeschooled? Check with teachers, peers and the school counselor to see if he is being bullied, or if anything at school has been a trigger for him.
Research sports leagues to see which ons are more about fun and teamwork vs. competition, technique and winning as a way to introduce good friends to this son. Other places with understanding people where he could make friends and you can join support groups are religious institutions. My Unitarian church is intentionally welcoming and accommodating to atypical children and adults. A UU church in your area might be a good fit even if you don’t agree with its ideology or don’t want to attend services.
Would a pet or support animal help him? Just a thought if that might be a possibility that would help him. Talk with his therapist to see if it would be safe for the animal. You can still help out at an animal shelter or foster dogs or cats f oh r a few weeks.
Are you in a group for parents of disturbed children? Be sure you are getting time and space to renew yourself. Bless you for rescuing this child from a nightmare and continuing to support him. Sending prayers, good vibes and positive chi
Trauma , abuse and neglect can make
Some children hoard things and stash them away. It’s a trauma response .
There is a bed wetting device that if you place it under them while sleeping - it has an alarm that awakes them when they start to pee the bed and trains the body to wake up , it works . Hiding the underwear is because of embarrassment I would assume . Good luck and keep Trying to be good mama!
I was a kid of the streets later placed into foster care at the age of 13 and adopted at 16 with my younger siblings. I used to take sugary stuff and hide the packaging and stuff and used to not tell the whole truth. I was scared to get into trouble for stuff because I was afraid of getting beat. My birth mom and step dad used to beat me with belts frying pans and anything they could get their hands on before I was placed in foster care. I’m lucky to still be alive it was that bad.
He might have passed trama that is causing him to act like this. It’s not easy at all. I still suffer from cptsd and rad even at the age of 39 years old. But I no longer steal of course and try not to lie.
I know it’s hard especially for parents that have never been threw what children who have been threw hell and back have been threw at a young age.
I would not treat him any different then you would your own kids so if you need to I would keep just healthy snacks in the house like fruits and veggies so if he does take snacks he will at least be eating healthy and not junk food all the time.
As for the bed wetting alot of kids that suffered trama at a young age wet the bed and I’m thinking he hides his underwear because maybe he used to get beat for wetting the bed all the time and is deathly afraid of getting beat again when you find out. I would maybe sit him down and have a call talk with him about how much you actually love him and it’s ok that he has accidents at night you understand that it happens but say something like when you have night time accidents let me know so we can change your bedding and we will need to put everything in the wash so it doesn’t smell up your room.
Have you tried asking him why he hides his wet underwear? I know it might bring up bad memories and be prepared as best as you can for him to break down and don’t get mad at him or ask his therapist to see if they can talk to him about it and try and work through that past trama with him.
I know even now I have walls built up(it’s my coping mechanism) and when one of them gets broken down on accident it takes me a long while to build that wall back up sometimes and I go into a deep depression that is sometimes hard to get out of for a few days.
Good luck at finding out what may help him.
Um sounds like you need the counceling. At that age thats what kids do push the boundaries to see what they can get away with. Both my children did it at that very age. Sometimes as parents we can’t see what we maybe doing wrong such as myself to correct the behavior quickly and blame the child. I did that with my oldest. Good luck.
So utreat him negatively ? He needs positive reinforcement not negative
Also, when he breaks the house rules ask him what he thinks should be the appropriate consequence. Often children will be harsher on themselves than you would. Modify his suggestion as appropriate, then carry it out. Choosing his own punishment (don’t use that word however) gives him some control, understanding that actions have consequences, but the consequence won’t be out of proportion to the action.
I wish yall would lay off this mama for the food part, that’s a small part of her entire question. Chances are she probably doesn’t allow her biological children to eat snacks before dinner too. She even said she always has it to offer. I’m pretty sure a good majority of you have a small stash of some foods that you put up away from your children at some point. That candy bar you want to eat in peace you bought for after bedtime? How would you feel if you went in there and your child “stole” (for lack of a better word, but at the same time taking something without asking is text book Def of stealing 
) it from you? Help her with her problem or don’t but don’t tell her in this instance “you can’t steal food from your own house”
If you figure it out let me know. My son acts the same way.
Seems maybe some trauma or abuse before being adopted please learn to work through this good luck
You have a lot of good advice here. I know when we think about bad behavior we think consequence. Not that there shouldn’t be any but children with trauma have to be dealt with differently. Have you considered therapy for you and your husband to help get tips from a professional about how to handle things? Counseling isn’t just for those with trauma but everyone effected by it
Did he come from an abusive or neglectful home? A lot of kids ( myself included ) tend to hoard things once they are in a safe & stable environment b/c of the fear of all bad happening again. It’s survival. When there’s trauma a child will think “What if there’s no food again?” Or “What if they take my toys?” Toys may sound trivial to us but to a small child it’s something that means a lot to them so they try to hide it so it cannot be damaged or taken from them. See if this could be a reason maybe.
Has he been evaluated for autism or ADHD or odd? These all sound like familar patterns to me. Trauma can cause a lot of behavior issues as well. Are you doing therapy for just him or family therapy as well?
It is probably trauma related. The more you fight, the harder it will be for him to stop. May be try a compromise. Get a small Tupperware and let him keep some snacks in his room. Explain they need to stay in there to avoid pest and rodents in his room. Keep conversation open.
Just sit him down and make him understand he can come to you for anything
My son did this growing up… I started having one on dates with my kiddos. It seemed to work with him for the most part… he still till his day in his 20s is very argumentative, qnd will make up stuff. We have learned to brush it off at this point and not argue with him ( until his mouth overrides and he’s in ny home lol… but since the last time a out 7 months ago its not happened no more )… he was diagnosed as a child with a personality disorder but I dont believe in letting titles rule a child’s life… some are just special qnd need that extra lovins and encouragement… its hard especially when they are young. Thank God he’s married now and the reigns have been handed over to his wife 
If he wants to act this way and cannot be truthful then it’s time for you to take full control. Strip his room of everything but his bed and if he wants to hide dirty underwear that could cause health issues and contaminate his room then you make him wear a diaper to bed period.
obviously, he was severely abused in any or all forms & this is how he is copying, I really think you have your hands full, because you really might not know all of his true background. And I don’t think it will end, but only get worse. Hopefully I am wrong on that
I don’t think this is a discipline issue. I think it’s a mental health issue. He could have deep rooted psychological trauma from before he was placed into foster care or something horrible happened to him at another foster home. I think you need to find new mental health doctors for him or make the ones he has now more involved in his healing process. I feel that because of his age, the severity of the behaviors, and the frequency of his behaviors he needs a more thorough psychological exam and should be tested for a myriad of mental health issues.
The first thing u said was he adopted…start there!!
My son has ASD, ADHD, ODD, impulsive disorder, anxiety among other things and the things you are mentioning with your son I’m going through it as well. It is exhausting but I found consequences really doesn’t do anything. We have him in ABA therapy and positive reinforcement for the good behaviour has made some progress. You also mentioned he was adopted; what is his backstory as their may be trauma. I also separated from my ex who was abusive so I feel like that has contributed to his anxiety which heightens his behaviour.
My kids did this when in foster care. The foster parents even went to the extreme of putting lock on fridge. Maybe he had experience like this. Do you ever just you and him days? This helped my daughter.
This is trauma related you have no idea what he’s probably gone through in foster care, but handling it that way will only make matters worse and he’ll never feel safe and protected with you. Try seeking on a class for parents who’s adopted children who have been traumatized
Bring God into your lives… he is a great healer. Pray about this situation. There are some very good children books introducing God into their lives.
Have you tried providing like a diaper pale for when he wets the bed. Tell him its ok and he can work on it next time but for now if he puts them in the pale it wont smell and you will be able to wash them. And no one can see them in the pale. He is obviously ashamed so that is why he is hiding. Find ways to not produce more shame.
I was that troubled adoptive kid once. My parents gave up on me, please keep working with him he doesn’t mean what he does. If you aren’t adopted you just can’t understand. Sadly lots of therapists don’t specialize in these things and the only thing he needs is to keep being reminded you love him and won’t leave him
This is why he isn’t honest. He is afraid of the consequences.
How old when u adopted him and bed wetting at an older ag can be a sign of previous sexual abuse or trauma.
I have raised the same child. Check out a diagnostic called RAD, reactive attachment disorder. There is so much support on fb for parents. Mt step daughter was exactly like that and now at 16 is progressively worse and is in residential living. Prayers for you, it’s a battle and I’m sending hugs.
In stead of asking him if he did something go about it another way. Like we all like candy but if we eat too much we need to brush our teeth. Show him that when you do eat something with a wrapper we need to put the wrapper in here to recycle. Make everything a positive. Find books and stories about behavior and how to take care of things. He lies because he feels he will get in trouble. Teachnhim if he is curious about something to ask and we will look at it together so he doesnt steal. Make it a positive event.
This is a long one but I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve gone from pissed to crying in the same minute, doubted my ability to be a mom and many times wanted to throw in the towel. I literally picked myself a part and completely changed my actions, reactions and learned how to teach him decent behavior. (I still cried and got frustrated in private for months and months) Here’s jut a few of my lessons learned. To younger kids sometimes attention is attention negative or positive the focus is on them for that brief moment. I started turning questions in to statements when i knew he took something that didn’t belong to him. “do me a quick favor and get your brothers switch”. In the beginning he’d get defensive and say I don’t have it. I’d follow with I didn’t say you did, I’m just asking you to go get it for me. For months, once he learned I didn’t care where it was I just wanted it, there was no thrill in taking and hiding stuff. I never emptied his room but started randomly asking to borrow a toy or crayons. Then return it and thank him for letting you use/play with it. I was respecting his property by asking and when he would say no, I’d ask why. (If he planned to play with it, great! Please let me know if I can have a turn). I gave him a basket in his room for clothes and reminded him daily. “Make sure your clothes are in the basket please.” (If i found something hidden, I’d call him in and say “hey you missed one” and have him put it in the basket. He’ll eventually get sick of you calling him in to his room to put the clothes (that he missed of course) in the basket. But thank him for doing it even with the reminder and if he does it on his own thank him for being such a big help. Google classroom (if your school uses that) is great and has a parent portal to stay on top of school work. Again I’d eliminate questions he’s prone to answer with a lie. Do you have homework? “It’s 6pm Let’s sit down and review your homework”. Every single day at 6pm. Homework one day at a time. We started playing school but he was my teacher. I’d always have incorrect answers and he found them by working through the problems himself. I only asked questions like What do you want for breakfast, side with dinner, bedtime snack. Those were things he could control. It didn’t happen overnight, months of consistency…the struggle was real…10 years later…you’d never know it! I’m cheering for ya momma!!!
He wants to feel in control of something. Just reading this made me feel like i was in prison. I went thru something similar 4 yrs ago. Yes I let him keep/hoard some food it his room, if it made him feel better knowing there s a sandwich or snacks in his dresser…then wonderful right? We would clean and throw out the old food weekly, no we didn’t get bugs… left clean sheets on his dresser and I made him in charge of picking up his laundry every morning …if I child knows shame, he will try to hide things…yeah maybe your house will smell like a wet pamper for awhile…but guess what? They outgrow it…maybe ypur the problem …maybe you should see a behavor psychologist and get on meds because lady…he is just trying to survive …understand that
You stripped down the room of a small child who endured significant trauma for…checks notes…exhibiting trauma behavior like food hoarding and bed wetting?!
That is such a traumatic parenting move. I wouldn’t want to be honest with you either.
Allow him to have a backpack of nonperishable food. Give him extra clothes and don’t shame him for bed wetting (especially if there was any physical or sexual trauma).
Kids don’t use trauma as an excuse. If you believe that and believe you can only guide with “punishments”, time to challenge and unpack all of that.
Counseling and learning parenting tools to support kids with trauma history may be helpful for you.
Those are very basic behaviors in traumatized children that don’t feel safe. They are in almost all kids who have been in foster care as an early age. I’m shocked they weren’t upfront with you on that. You usually have to take classes on how to deal with it
Blessings to your family
A stressed Mother = A stressed Child
Be more mindful of how you respond in reaction to the issue. Remain calm. There is no need to get angry or serve harsh consequences when certain things a child has no control over. Avoid any embarrassment or humiliation. A child will lie out of fear of punishment and act out to gain attention. Learn to apologize when you get upset and a child will learn it’s okay to make mistakes & safe to say Sorry.
Honestly , this sound like survival behaviours that might be hard to get out of as even though he has a perminate home his brain isn’t understanding it , it does sound like he needs therapy to help his brain with unresolved trauma from being in foster homes or where ever he was when you got him.
Karate or martial arts with yoga
Maybe just let him snack a little. Like it won’t kill him to have a snack before dinner, seems like there are bigger issues you can focus on. Why try to deal with every issue all at once. That’s a whole lot for a kid who most likely grew up without any rules. Maybe just focus on curbing one issue at a time. I think you’re seeing it as he’s just a liar. But I think each circumstance is individual the lying is a reaction being triggered by something different in each situation.
Get him into a hobby/sport he enjoys. Not only will it keep his brain occupied on other things but it will increase his self esteem. He is probably hiding the dirty laundry because he is ashamed. He needs to feel secure not only in his home but in his own mind.
My now AD16 started when she was 12! Things, so we thought, had gotten so much better, until a year ago. She hadn’t improved at all! She just learned how to be sneaker and her lies are VERY believable. She’s lied so big recently that we’ve had the police and DFCS involved in our lives. She sees a psychiatrist, psychologists, an IFI team composed of 3 specialist for family and individual therapist.
My advice is to reach out to CHOSEN. They really help you understand the meaning behind the behavior. It doesn’t necessarily get easier but it does help you know it’s not you and also allows you to extend more grace when we want to explode. CHOSEN has helped us survive these last 15 months.
In our case, our daughter has decided she would rather kill herself than have any rules put on her. So we told her we will let her move out since she is feeling so grown. She’s come up with a timeline that has her moving out the day after she turns 17. We’re okay with this, actually looking forward to the relief.
If you ever want to chat or discuss trauma based parenting, please feel free to message me. I’m no expert and we’ve only had 19 children BUT we are a therapeutic home and have 16 years of experience with the good, bad and ugly truths of foster care and parenting through trauma.
Hugs!
Call him on his BS without him even realizing … Have teachers email a list of everything sent home and ask him for whatever is missing… (Like oh hey such and such math paper is missing can you get that for me) if he says he doesn’t have it or he won’t get it (be like it’s ok I will put in a email to so and so teacher and get it).
Stolen items say hey can you go get me (whatever is missing) if he argues tell him you didn’t say he did anything you just need his help getting it…
Also a common area is cool but for kids who have been in foster care they NEED things that belong to ONLY them…
Also stealing food is a normal for most foster kids as well and really wouldn’t make such a huge deal about it…
When he steals things and you find it just take it back and move on" the things he’s doing is all for attention " not saying you don’t give him any" don’t give ANY reaction at all, it’ll eventually stop believe it or not" he was in a foster for the first 4 years of his life, most crucial years re feeling safe loved and secure , I was SA from the age of 7 to 10 " Idk his back story " but, I lashed out for YEARS AND YEARS. , trauma will do that to some people, I wish you luck you have a long road ahead of you but you CAN do it
(((((Mom))))) you can do this, you are doing this, keep on doing this! Keep on loving him the best you can.
Bed wetting is a sign of being sexually abused.
So the problems been going on for years and you didn’t deal with it before
maybe he/she feels pressure to be super human I know I am 79 yrs old and at times really have to rush to make bathroom. no big deal maybe show him how to put in washer so he does not have to hid, on the food he is hiding maybe he has gone hungry and is afraid it may happen again (make a big deal out of how proud you are of him for doing maybe even show him how to use washer as he gets older so he does not have to tell you or have you find them that is a bummer for sure.) ,a child as young as 8 or 9 yrs can run machine. have him go shopping with you and pick out say maybe 3 or 4 things he really likes and let him hide it in his room so he will learn he will not be hungry again and he can trust you to not take away. Every time you go shopping do this it is his room what difference does it make if he has a grocery store in his room? lighting up would help a lot why does he have to be just like you? So much time fighting that you could be making Happy times to remember. If it is candy he wants to eat yes it is not good for him but so what after he gets sick a few times candy will not be top of his list. Lessons only he can learn for him self). I had a neighbor that would not give her children candy when they came to my house I noticed all my candy was gone (they could not have at home) so they would come to my house and clean me out, I would find outside they would hide so they could take home or come back for later. Really sad. Never ever told the neighbor even when I had to listen to her hour after hour about how her kids did not eat candy wanted to tell her but why get the kids in trouble so I just enjoyed my time with them.
I pray GOD Blesses him and ya,ll.
He’s a feral little survivor. He probably needs a lot of physical movement that requires focus. I’d get him into a rock climbing gym, power yoga, martial arts after he gets impulse control. Photography can focus him on the beauty around him and requires concentration and focus also.
Foster mom here everychild weve ever has hides food.we take care of teenagers i dont even think they realize they are doing it.lies are very common to.i will not argue with our kids you find out they arent being honest.i just point blank tell them that they arent being honest.
I work in a group home for teens who where abanded by their foster parents for behaviors. Honestly he’s just trying to survive in a world where he feels he has no one.
Does he have any diagnoses?. If not you maty want to have him evaluated.
You sound very controlling and need to take a chill pill…Gaslighting much?? On a kid nevertheless…is that not abuse??? …yeah you are the problem obviously
Sounds like this child is still in survival mode. Trauma has no expiration date. Seek help from child psychologists. Meditation is a good place to start.
Severe adhd / odd combo possibly.
The hiding things / being secretive and sneaky… someone with adhd will take the less mentally exhausting way…easier to hide it then to explain why or get punished for said thing…
This sounds like my son that has ASD. Even down to the bed wetting. We have gotten alittle better through the year’s but still struggle with it ever day and he is 12yr. Good luck and just stay consistent.
its his room, he needs control over his room … not you WHAT you think his room should be enjoy him not his room. 20 years from now he will remember the words not his room. And you will remember or have nothing but the angry words too. CLOSE his door to his room let him work it out let him relax let him be a kid he is not what you think he should be. let him play basketball or track or build models . If he wants some food in his room let it be (better any day then drugs or guns) A grocery store in his room is not bad maybe you can even ask for something if you are hungry.