Looking for advice or anyone who has gone through something similar… my boyfriend is deciding to move here in a few months after he meets my kids and if things go well. My kids father is having a hard time keeping his boundaries cause he hasn’t come to terms with the fact we are done and have been for two years cause he pushes his boundaries and I’m afraid to stand up to him… I need help on what to write him as far as boundaries and basic ones or extensive ones. I’m not sure how to approach him cause no matter what I say he will take it the wrong way and get mad. He’s trying his hardest to make up excuses as to why my boyfriend can’t meet the kids when our 6 months of dating time frame has ended at the end of January. Any advice on some boundaries or what I can write to him would be amazing. Thank you!!
I’m on team 6 months is not long enough. I would think differently if this is was not someone new in your life but clearly based on your story it is. 6 months is just too soon. Especially if he doesn’t even live nearby so you’re not seeing each frequently
As for your ex. There is nothing to do or say. It took my ex husband a couple years plus to finally acknowledge that I had the right to move on. Eventually most likely after he himself has moved on he will become more calm with it.
Ultimately you’re going to do what you want to do, but 6 months seems to be too early. I definitely agree with the previous comments.
6 months is a little too soon. I would wait about 8. Then let the dad know it’s gonna happen and please be respectful and bring any concerns to you. Find a way to work and be able to co-parwnt as that is truly the best way. Maybe let dad and boyfriend meet first
I knew my husband for a month before we became engaged ( our 1st date included my son) and he moved it. Got married the next year and just celebrated our 33rd anniversary in May. Sometimes even waiting more than a year to introduce them to your children isn’t long enough. Every situation is different. As for the ex- it is his child he should at least ge informed that you are moving a guy into your house and he really can’t do much about it.
6 months isn’t long enough
Give it at least 12 months
And revisit it then
I can understand how he would feel
Its no different if the shoe was on the other foot
Reguardless of the fact you have only been separated for a few yrs
He is still their father
1 year before meeting the kids
1 year before moving in together after meeting the kids.
Why you even care what your ex feels is beyond me, he’s acting like that because you’re allowing it, if you want to set boundaries it’s very simple you tell him this is how it’s gonna be and if he don’t like it too bad !!!
6 months is way too soon. Wait at least a year. My sons bio mom has scarred him from doing this to him
Everything is always about psychological platform, if you think you’ve sniffed out your boyfriend thoroughly enough for dysfunction and feel he’s safe then introduce him, as for your ex if your afraid of him getting angry about your personal decisions that arent in any way unhealthy or unsafe for your children then he’s displaying a control based psychological problem that you need to deal with legally
My 2 kids (8 and 4 at the time) met my boyfriend the night of our first date July 2022 lol fast forward a year later November 18th 2023 now engaged and it just worked out. My 9yr old son proudly calls him his dad that he always wanted (never knew who his bio dad was) and my 5yr old daughter is thrilled to have 2 whole daddies as she calls it. Sometimes you just have to go for it and see where life takes you. Like my mom has been telling me since I had my first kiss in kindergarten…you never know until you try. 
Honey. Your an adult. These are YOUR kids too. At this point you just need to be point blank honest. Tell your baby daddy that he doesn’t get a say in what YOU do. Just like you don’t get a say on who he moves on with. You decide what your going to tolerate. Your teaching this man that it’s ok to treat you this way. Ok your afraid. But that’s what texts are for. If you need someone who will read a rough draft you can always friend me and I’ll be your sounding board
wait a yr with bf to meet kids. no matter what your ex is the father of your kids, navigating a healthy coparenting relationship is much better on the kids right now.
It’s your life. As long as he isn’t abusing you or your kids, doing drugs or anything that might cause harm to you or your kids, there isn’t really anything you ex can do about it.
Just stay formal with you ex. No over explanations. No nothing. Only communicate about the children.
He can’t tell you what you can and can’t do in your home, just as you can’t about his home.
Put your kids first that’s what matters. Above all
There’s two separate issues here. Even if you’d been dating for three years you’d still be afraid to stand up to him. I completely agree with 6months is too soon, but I’m not responsible for your kids well being, you are. However you need to stop worrying about angering the ex, if he’s that hostile you need to communicate through a mediator and if your boundaries suck you need to work on you.
Do NOT allow this man to move in with you yet.
She asked advice on boundaries not about how long she needs to be with someone before she introduces HER new man to HER kids. Wowww wee.
First of all it’s ur fault that you were not able to set boundaries on him ,second you think I give a Sh-it if he gets mad?
6 months and he’s moving in? That’s very unhealthy for the children
Are you legally divorced ? Do you have full custody of your kids ? Getting child support ? If so your ex has no business interfering in your life who you date. If your BF is in another state then how well do you know him and family ? He may be a complete different person when he’s with you all the time. Your kids don’t need to be exposed to men that they are not familiar with. Be careful who you bring around your kids. Too many lunatics out there.
Your a manaholic… 6 months and he’s moving, too many questions…have you gone to court and set child support and visitation, have you been stringing your ex along until you found another man, grow up, get your kids legally secured, keep the boyfriend away from your kids until you see how you 2 get along in the same town. What kind of work does he do, what do you do for money, work…
…does your ex see his kids regularly now, what one parent does is…NONE OF THE OTHER PARENTS BUSINESS…sounds like you don’t want to make your ex mad soyou can keep that door open just in case… is he moving in with you,.or just to the same town…
If you’re 100% it’s over, simply say … we will talk about the kids and that’s it. I’m trying to be a good co parent by letting you know who is gonna be around me because that includes the children .
About the time-frame well… who are we to judge right ? Just remember that the kids are always above anything or anyone. You see anything a miss, or something feels off , trust your gut . Good luck 
It’s all based on how you feel when your man meets your kids. It wasn’t 6 months when my man met my kid.lol. we been together for 5 years. So it’s just how you feel what it is right for you. Literally nobody can actually tell you 6 months to early, nobody knows your relationship better than you do. If you feel tomorrow or a week is good,then do that. Lol.
I dated mine for over a year before where I knew we were stable and serious before he met my kids. We are married now. I’d wait longer. 6 months is nothing at all.
I had 2 kids previously, he met them on the first date, then 3 months later we moved in with him 6 hours away, married with 2 more kids, going on 16 years now. Do what your heart tells you!
6 month’s and hes moving here… How much have you 2 even seen of each other in person? No way would any man be meeting my kid, until I knew it was something that was going to last forever. If he loves you, he will understand 6 month’s is way too soon to be meeting your children.
If your new guy doesn’t live near you, how did you meet? How often do you see him and how long are you together when you do see him?
Not only do you owe it to your children to know everything about this man but you need to know every nook and cranny about his life now and before. 6 months is not enough time to really know someone, their actions and reactions.
How is he with communication, does he have close friends and relatives? What kind of people are they? What is his background in education? Does he have a career path? Does he have good ethics? How soon does he plan to start work when he moves near? What is his living situation like now? Have you looked his background up on line? What are his intentions? What are his religious beliefs and do they align with yours?
Most of these are questions that can only be answered by knowing someone far more than 6 months. Most of these questions can’t be answered with words, only continuous actions. Get to know every corner of his thought process and soul before you Subject yourself and your children to him. Our children depend on us. They can’t make decisions for them selves and absolutely can’t be responsible for themselves either.
Please do the right thing, take all precautions, leave no stone unturned.
Truly , not being mean at all ,
See a therapist and they will help
With all of this !
I waited 2 years of dating someone before letting him meet my kids. He met them. All was good. He lived 45 minutes away so we djdnt see eachother on a daily basis. . Then moved in 6 months later…We lived together for a year then he just LEFT. We were engaged at that point and he just walked away. It was not only damaging to the kids but to me too. You just never know someone’s life (or addictions) until you are around them every day. Maybe he can at least move to the same area first. Get his own place and go from there. But everyone’s situation is different. Go with YOUR gut. Sure there were red flags I overlooked. Only you know what’s best for you.
6 months is very early to meet kids, until you have had some major conflicts and disagreements and worked through them; seen the very bad and the good, it is way too early from my experience.
Theres no point on writing a letter honestly. The 1st time he broke the boundarie it needed to be dealt with now your 20 times in and still letting him have control if you set the boundarie at 6 mths you don’t have anything to discuss life goes on you verbally tell him once if he needs to be told again you need to call le or make a court app.
I understand 6 months to meet the kids. But you’re already ready to move this guy in? Ouch
To not come over unannounced or if there are plans set, to always be on time for pick up and drop off, has to be civil to your new boyfriend and vice versa, no talking ugly about each other or other partners around the children, be respectful and courteous at all times. The things that bother you the most address first. Have an open heart conversation with him. Tell him what you want and desire ways things to go
I don’t understand the focus on some “rule” regarding how long before a boy/girlfriend meets the kids. Is 6 months long enough? Should it be 8 months? Does something change after 180 days?
I fully grasp that kids can be affected by parents who have a revolving door of boy/girlfriends but imposing some arbitrary amount of time on the length of a relationship doesn’t necessarily fit across the board. It doesn’t take into account the feelings and emotions or the commitment that sometimes happens sooner than that. I don’t disagree that care needs to be taken before introducing someone new to your kids. But every relationship is different and if we’re following some “rule” based ONLY on a calendar, we’re not necessarily protecting our kids. OP isn’t asking for advice on when to introduce her BF to her kids. She’s asking how to effectively establish boundaries with her ex.
I DO agree that both parents share a concern about the people in their kids’ lives but there’s a fine line. OP seems afraid of her kids’ dad. She expressed her fear in standing up to him, of making him mad and also states that after 2 years he doesn’t accept that they are “done”. I’m more concerned about THAT dynamic than whether or not it’s too soon for her current BF to meet her kids.
We all see these things through a lens colored by our own experiences. I had a controlling ex and he absolutely would have used some arbitrary timeframe to prevent me from having a serious, committed relationship with someone who wasn’t him. So obviously I see this through that lens. When I DID get into a serious, committed relationship and my ex was unable to stop it, he started taking his anger out on my kids. So I would focus on the boundaries that OP is asking for help with. She doesn’t mention how he’s crossing boundaries so it’s hard to actually give any specific advice, but I would start with the custody/visitation agreement and add language there. Sometimes it’s better to do drop off/pick up at a neutral location (school, daycare or meeting somewhere). If that’s not possible, add language that the parent dropping off/picking up doesn’t come inside. Be sure he doesn’t have a key to your home.
I don’t know what “excuses” he’s using to extend the timeframe but don’t discuss your new relationship with your ex. Right now, it has no bearing on your kids because they haven’t even met yet. Limit your communication to only things that involve your kids. And IF there’s any fear of abuse, immediately seek legal help!
As far as the new BF, just be careful that you’re not repeating patterns and getting involved with someone controlling or potentially abusive (that is IF I’m not applying my own lens appropriately- which I sincerely hope I am)
As a person who has been divorced for 3 years and the ex husband (kids father) still doesn’t like it. I don’t know about yours but my situation isn’t the children. It was he is still attached to me. He still wants me in his life and with nobody else. You just have to do you. It’s going to be a fuss and a problem no matter what you say or do. I know you want to try to make everyone happy but that’s not always going to work. I don’t know what boundaries you’re speaking of cause I don’t know what he does now. I can tell you he doesn’t need to show up at the house unannounced. He doesn’t need to blow your phone up constantly.
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i understand dad’s concerns. one thing that’s part of my custody order is that i have to meet whomever he is involved with first before the kids (and have a background check done on her). IF she passes background (it never makes it that far
), the kids meet her. -
as far as dad is concerned. i would simply establish things like:
- COMMUNICATION. unless it’s regarding the children (scheduling mostly), there’s zero need to contact each other. i also advise you to be strictly text so it’s in writing somewhere.
- DROP OFF/PICK UP. since he’s clearly having issues, don’t allow him at your home & you don’t go to his. meet at the police station, a store, a restaurant…
AND BE FIRM & CONSISTENT with boundaries.
That your ex has a hard time accepting your way of life, or anything else, is not your responsibility. Two years? For heaven’s sake, ‘take it the wrong way’? Afraid to stand up to him? You should be building a new life with your new partner, and being happy as deserved! My advice’; Call him and remind him that he is an adult, and that the time has come to move on. End of story; you are not his mother! Ex’s are called ex’s for a reason; They are history.
Don’t give a shit what he thinks. He doesn’t have control over you, and you are letting him by being afraid. Something I had to get over, after getting a divorce