Hey awesome ladies. I need some advice on how to be content raising 4 children alone. I was married and my husband hurt my 13 year old and I packed his crap and made him leave my home that same night. And I will not take him back. So I’m asking how to move past qanting to be married again because for me it’s not going to happen
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First , I want to thank you for putting your kid first and for choosing to be a mom first than a woman .
In my opinion, you are healing for what happened and it’s normal to feel the way you are feeling but your thoughts about getting married again may change one day.
Do not blame all men for what your ex did , there’s still good men out there but if you choose to be single that is Oky too , we do not need to be in a relationship to be happy and to be complete .
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Get therapy for you and the kids (especially your 13-year old—this is the absolute worst age to deal with trauma). Until you can get an appointment, each of you can call the 988 mental health hotline. Not sure what exactly hubs did but you’ll want to contact a lawyer and possibly get a restraining order. Definitely only get supervised visits with him unless it’s something heinous for which he should go to jail in which case you’d be in charge of any visits if any, and they’d definitely be supervised.
Know where all your money is and get immediate statements from all accounts and investments so hubs can’t hide assets from you. Get an account in your name only and start socking away money there. Get an appraisal or MLS valuation of your home if you own. Are you on a lease or mortgage? Talk to your lawyer about that.
Develop as big a “village” as you can. Surround yourself and your kids with a variety of loving family and friends, and make more whenever possible. It’s going to be hard, I won’t lie, but it can be done. Contact a social worker/family services office to sign up ASAP for any benefits you are or will be entitled to. Join online and in person single parent support groups. Don’t think about dating for 2 years post divorce and at least a year of therapy.
Have family meetings at least once a week to air grievances, bring & find solutions to problems, and enumerate what you like about each other and what each of you is grateful for.
Don’t let anything fester. Don’t argue, only one person talks at a time (having an object to hold helps) and gets to finish before anyone else speaks. Posting a list of topics in advance (and limiting discussion to the family meeting only) keeps people focused on the topic at hand and curbs arguing in the meantime. Stay on topic and everyone comes with ideas/solutions, and everyone gets a voice. Implement as much as you can.
If no solution is found, table discussion for a week. Do research and ask friends to help find solutions and reconvene with new ideas. Maybe you can’t afford Disney World or even a water park, but the pool at the local RECenter is doable. Maybe a total room re-do isn’t possible, but a new duvet and repainted thrift store furniture is. Separate rooms aren’t possible but bunk bed curtains are.
You will need your kids’ help and support. Develop a chore chart together and rotate tasks periodically so no one is stuck doing all the work or the ickiest tasks. Give rewards (gold stars) for accomplishing everything assigned to each person in a week (can be done at family meetings). Our difficult children got extra points for doing things “without a fuss.”
You’ll lose a lot of any free time or breaks, but make sure you get SOME at least every two weeks. It’ll get easier as the children grow and become more independent. Limit the number of activities per child and carpool or trade off duties with other parents to help you manage. If you can group activities in the same place at the same time (swimming, karate or golf lessons or soccer practices/games, Scout meetings for example), that helps a lot.
Eating out has gotten really expensive, so you’ll be cooking more (with the kids’ help). I did batch cooking on Sundays to make it easier to have quick dinners during the week. E.g. make spaghetti sauce, lasagna, tacos or taco salad and hamburger casserole with ground beef; chicken salad, chicken soup, chicken pot pies and barbecue chicken—and bone broth with the carcass if you have a whole chicken.
Then just pull something from the fridge or freezer each night. Use meat more like a garnish and use more whole grains for healthier meals.
Try more vegetarian and vegan recipes. They’re healthy and save money. Find tofu recipes. It’s a cheap and easy source of protein that can be incorporated into “cream” soups, salads, meatballs, scrambled eggs, and even desserts (makes great lemon pudding). Plain it tastes not great. Quinoa is fast and simple (boil water, add quinoa, let it sit 5 minutes and eat) and a complete protein.
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It doesn’t happen over night but eventually you’ll realize it. Read comments from women complaining about their husband’s and things like weaponized incompetence and think about how that’s not something have to deal with. If you don’t want to get married again, when your brain starts wandering in that direction, remind yourself you like it better this way and believe it. Everyone has grass is greener moments, just don’t live in those moments. It’s nice when you don’t have to worry what you bring to the table cuz the whole fcking table is yours.
Never say never about getting married again. I left a very bad marriage with my 1 year old son. Raised him by myself for 10 years and then found the love of my life and have been married 35 years.
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Sorry keep strong work on you healing and glowing first off. Good for you for not settling anymore.
But Don’t let him stop you from finding someone to love or be happy with. i was in a relationship for 14 years left him my man now does more for me in 4 months then my ex would do spiritually emotionally and mentally going on four years. Surround your self with church, other friends or family stay busy pamper your self what ever you need to heal.
Not a lot of hope for you if you even need to ask the question. The chick down the road, her husband raped her daughter. He got sent to prison and the silly mole is still all ‘woe is me’. You seriously have a free pass to restart your life and you want know how to be content? Start by being grateful that your children no longer have to endure the consequences of your bad decisions. Is that not enough? You women… honestly. Sick in the head. Get help. How do I feel better about myself?? Blah blah blah… poor you. Poor kids. Wake up to yourself, that’s how.
First thing you do is report the abuse. He’s not in your home any longer but he will get parenting time. Time he’s alone with your kids to do whatever he wants without you to protect them. Start creating a paper trail.
Second contact a DV agency. You all need counseling & the assistance DV agencies can provide.
Third take it one day at a time. You’ll soon realize it’s easier to parent alone without the concerns X brings.