So my SIL was married for 17 years, last year her now ex-husband kicked her out of her home a WEEK before CHRISTMAS. I know she has been having a terrible time since he left her, turns out he had a side chick who he married within a couple of weeks and moved away 2 hours away from his 16 & 11-year-old kids. He didn’t give one crap about either one of them, no merry Christmas or Happy New Year. It turns out his 11-year-old was FaceTiming him, and he accidentally turns the camera around, and she saw a baby car seat in the back of his truck. He then proceeded to tell her he had a baby in which the baby is about eight months old. She was very upset, and now she has become a rebel to the point she doesn’t care about school or anything. She feels like everything was my SIL fault. Turn out he doesn’t even send them money or any help at all but the last week just brought two horses but told his kids he doesn’t have money! How could I tell her without hurting her feeling to file for child support? Or how could I tell her everything is gonna be ok when I know things with her daughter aren’t so good? He’s an asshole, and everyone in the family thought so highly of him until he did this.
Telling her to file for child support shouldn’t hurt her feelings.
Just offer your shoulder and “suggestions”. Telling her what to do may upset her…but suggesting/educating may help a bit better.
Just tell her that he should be helping with the children including paying child support
Stay out of it. If she wanted to she would . Filing and getting a motion doesnt mean she’ll ever actually see a dime . If they divorced she would know more custody and child support wise .
Her daughter needs counseling. She may blame SIL for the situation because she knows SIL will be there whether she’s a brat or not. Dad has proven he will leave so she may be afraid to upset him. This situation is similar to what I experienced with my oldest. I put him in counseling and things got much, much better. He’s now 16 and understands the absence of his other parent has nothing to do with me. I didn’t have to ever say a word. About support… maybe ask her why she hasn’t filed? Maybe she’s afraid of something? Does she think he might file for custody of their children or perhaps he’s threatened to? She should certainly be getting financial help to raise the children. Even if she thinks she doesn’t need or want it, the kids deserve it. Put it in savings for when they get their first car or apartment, etc.
Is she supporting herself and the kids by herself then I wouldn’t file. He’s apparently not going to pay but file for full custody!
Child support isn’t what came to my mind from all of this. The 11 year old going and talking to a therapist to sort everything that is going on and how she feels does. I’m sure if the SIL wants CS she will go for it.
You dont!!! Stay out of it, not your business. She’s grown she knows what’s best for her and her kids
Maybe just mind your own business?
Telling her to go for support isnt mean. It’s real world stuff. He has 2 kids he needs to help care for. It’s not mean ornrude to tell her to go after him. Tell her you have her back, tell her if she needs help, your there for her. Tell her hes an asshe and a jerk. Tell her things will calm down, but for now everything is going to be hard…but your gonna be there for her and the kids. Talk to your niece and ask her how shes feeling…let her know ur there to listen if she needs it. Remind her you know how hard it is and you will talk anytime she wants. Remind her that it’s not her moms fault dad left. Dad is a grown up and sometimes bad decisions are made, and dad made a bad decision…but that doesnt mean she isnt loved. Remind the child her mother did nothing to hurt her and her mother is very sad and angry and hurting too…
If you dont want to have her back, then stay out of it.
Those are your options really.
What happened with the house?? Did she get half if he sold it. She needs to file for child support and anything else she can get her hands on. He did he crap she should give as she gets…
Say “take him to court for child support, it’s his job to still be their father”
Ooof! I’d be filing for everything! Child support, spousal support, the whole house and half of any other assets. Screw that pos.
It isn’t your business honestly so stay out of it unless your just lending a shoulder to cry on. Just because you go after someone for child support doesn’t mean they’re gonna pay it.
She needs 2 do what needs 2 b done 2 support those kids. Married 17 years? I was married 17 years(stil legally am) and I’ve been getting almost $700 a month in spousal support and we have no children 2gether. I worked my ass off and am legally entitled 2 this. R house was sold n money split evenly between us. She needs 1 wake up fast. Maybe she’s stil in shock? Or perhaps immobilized my hurt and fear?
She can file for state assistance. They usually will take care of the child support with it.
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Be straight to the point. Tell her to file for child support as it’s what is best for her kids. The kids also should probably get some individual counseling, as well as family counseling would benefit them all.
First off, the kid doesn’t really blame mom. Moms just the only one (besides herself) that she can punish for dads actions.
Second, its the children’s right to be at least financially supported by their parents. Its a child’s right and a parents obligation. Its not about being nice or moving on its just the right thing to do.
She needs to stand up for her children. She didnt make them alone. He needs to help with his first children before having more.
There is not much you can do or say. Just be there for her and the kids. I would suggest both children get therapy to deal with this. Offer to take the 11 year old off her hands sometimes. The father sounds like a douche.
I’m not sure how the divorce was finalized without child support being discussed.
Why would her feelings be hurt? You can’t make someone take someone for child support. Tell her she should take him for support and leave it at that. If she doesn’t want to, that’s on her
Telling her to file for child support isnt going to sound nasty, so just say it. She should already know but sometimes it might have slipped her mind. But yeah id just come straight out and say it…
Sounds like the kids, probably 11 yo old more needs to go have a chat to someone…
You don’t. Mind your business.
I’m sorry but if she isn’t woman enough to stand up for her own children and get them what they deserve—you can’t make her one
If their relationship had the toxic dynamic of narcissistic abuse (and that’s my hunch) then your SIL may be dealing with the after effects of psychological abuse and maybe cPTSD also. If that is the case she will need your understanding and support bc she’s been broken down and has no sense of self left. It goes beyond feeling like a victim. She may not know that the situation was as toxic as it was. Patricia Evans has great books about understanding what psychological abuse is and it’s affects. Controlling People is a good book to start with. Have an open conversation, let her know you understand and support her. She may receive your support and guidance with open arms. Starting with applying for state assistance would be a great starting point like was mentioned in the comments. She needs an ally through this to walk with her through the challenge to better times. Her daughters anger is understandable. If the mom could talk with her, listen to her without judgement, then she may feel validated and release the pent up anger and rage. Letting the daughter know she can pound a pillow for a few minutes and spew all the angry words she wishes she could say without being punished for saying it is a very therapeutic exercise to release anger from the body. Ultimately, they need to know the situation isn’t great now but things will improve. They’re lucky to have someone like you that can see what needs to be done.
Well in all honesty you can’t convince her of anything unless she wants to, but you can try talking to her and tell her that she should really go after the father for child support to help financially support her kids or even if she doesn’t use the money herself she could put it aside for a college fund for the kids.
If they’re married how did he get married to someone else? Sounds like she needs to go to court get a divorce and child support and visitations with the kids only through FaceTime
To be honest it’s probably best if you just stay out of it. I know you mean well but having family in the middle of it just further complicates the situation. It sounds like he doesn’t even care to be a father so I think she should take him to court and file for full custody and drop him altogether. It’s normal for her to hurt right now but she’ll be okay in time. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Let her know that you have her back and that she can come to you if she needs you.
If he has money to raise another kid, he has money to raise the kids he already had.
Call her doctor and have her screened for depression, PTSD, anything else & get her counseling.
Sounds like she is paralyzed & cant think straight, otherwise she would be making rational decisions like getting custody and child support and counseling for herself and the kids.
Dad sounds horrid so I hope she decides to screw him to the wall for all he’s worth. 
How was the divorced finalized with no child support paper work. Are they even divorced?
I think she knows what to do. I would just stay out of it otherwise you’ll be taking on more than what you can chew. Just be there for her and take the kids to see a movie or something so mom can have some alone time.
What a selfish prick 
Get that child support. She just needs time, sounds like shes still hurting over it all.
Shes just gotta do it. You have to be the true and firm friend. Say the words but use the tone for softer delivery. Hug her if she starts to cry and really hug her. It’s for her children. She has to do it for them. No, it’s not going to change anything between her and him or take the emotional pain away. But it’ll allow for the right thing to happen ; he will have to support his children no matter what.
Were they divorced? Or just left them, confused. He’s an asshat!
She will be okay in time. Her ex has a financial obligations to take care of ALL his children! I can understand if the relationship was abusive, but sometimes we have to out our crap aside to take care of our children. Maybe have a conversation with her as to why she hasn’t and go from there?
She needs an attorney… they will pull his credit card and bank records… once they prove he was “squandering his marital assests” on the other woman while he was married he will owe her $1 for every $1 he squandered on the other woman…
Maybe just be there for her if she wants to talk? If it comes up in conversation, you can give your opinion on it but don’t intrude.