How can I deal with this situation with my sons fiance?

How do I respond to my son’s father’s SO stepping on my toes? My son’s father got engaged last year. Before, he did not participate in decisions regarding my son. I was the primary caregiver. Now, his fiancee is getting involved in school, health, etc. And doing so without my consent. She tells me how to raise my child (though she has no children of her own) has demanded that any communication between my son’s father and I be forwarded to her as well. She just does not respect boundaries whatsoever, even though I have asked her to. What can I do to get her to back off, or perhaps make this relationship tolerable?

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You need to take this up with HIM. Totally unacceptable, and will only get worse of allowed to go on.

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He should have already told her to stop.

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Just continue to communicate with the father, you have no obligation to communicate with her, sounds like she’s jealous and just has to be up in his business, she has no business involving herself the way she is…

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Totally unacceptable. Communication between you and the father is all that matters. Your ex should put his foot down

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Tell her to sit and spin lol

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Uh be glad she cares? Have a group text. Sit down together and talk. If they’re getting married she’s going to be in your kiddos life.

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Smack her in the mouth

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Maybe just try to talk to her. I know it’s a pain in the ass but it’s better for everyone if you can all discuss things and get along

You don’t have to speak to her. Don’t even respond to her. You’ll only fuel her fire.

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Tell your ex to man up that’s your twos child her opinion means nothing when it comes to your child

Its not responsibility to communicate with her, its her fiance responsibility.

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Get a pfa on her ass period but i would clearly put her on her place

honestly, If his dad wasn’t as involved and she’s trying to be, let her… she’s not only agreeing to a lifelong commitment to your BD but also to your child and it seems to me like that would be a good thing. She does deserve to be included in knowing what’s going on but I wouldn’t really let her have a vote on decisions just yet.

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It’s nice that she wants to be involved. But, that’s controlling and overstepping boundaries.

She doesn’t have any rights to your child or decision making.

You need to communicate that he needs to put her in her place before you do.

I love my sons to-be-stepmom… but I have told my sons father that there is a line and I don’t want her to cross it. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I actually think its amazing that she wants to be actively involved in your childs life bc she is. They are getting married, she will be his step mom. Instead of being negative and working against her, work together for the benfit of the child whom I’m sure loves you both. I think it shows she cares and is stepping up as a step parent should do.

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Blocked her number and refuse to speak with her. The father should be contacting you about his own child. Not his spouse. The fact she didn’t respect your boundaries, which you made very clear. Then in my opinion. She can kiss your ass, cause it’s not her child. You ex needs to man up and talk to you himself. Expecting someone else to do his dirty work is not appropriate!

I’ve been there… Yada,yada,yada they stopped seeing my kid. Find a non argumentative resolution please for the kiddo

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I understand the issue of her wanted things forwarded to her as well but however be glad that she is wanting to be involved in your sons schooling, health etc. Just sit them down and talk about it. Talk about how you are feeling. Keep your cool though.

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Talk to him and if he doesn’t do anything about it, politely inform her that she is not the legal stepparent yet and has no legal say, nor does she have the legal right to get involved with his healthcare or schooling.

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My husbands current agreement states that I have to be included in all messages because they don’t communicate well… be happy someone else wants to be apart of his life, it’s a bonus mom! Why not just keep your cool

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Dont ask. Tell. Put that bitch in her place. And do it with a smile :blush:

She has ZERO say so when it comes to your children either she backs off or you back back off all together your baby dad should tell her to stay in her place

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I say this from the step mom’s perspective. My step daughter’s mom and I do not get along and it has made it very hard for my daughter. She gets in trouble, ignored, or told to stop talking when she talks about me or her brother when she sees her. It does sound like she’s over stepping to me. Each situation is unique, but it’s always better for the child when everyone can talk and get along.

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So your boundaries are to have sole decision making ability while they have part custody? Maybe she feels her fiance has gotten the short end of the stick and is trying to rectify it (admittedly a very wrong way about doing it though)

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Nope, I had a judge tell my ex’s wife she wasn’t part of the decision making process when it came to my daughter. She actually tried to speak for my ex in court and the judge told her to sit down and be quiet because it didn’t concern her and she didn’t get a say.

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Not my kid, not my
problem.

From a fellow stepmom; the best thing you could do is let dad directly know that this is not okay and boundaries need to be set. I wouldn’t ever feel comfortable being this way with another woman’s child. I was forced & pressured into this role by my partner, and it caused me an exacerbated anxiety disorder.

I stepped back and have uninvolved myself with parenting their child and I am so much better off for it.

Let dad know forsure.

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Well 1st of she wouldn’t be doing shit without my Consent.2nd of all it’s not her business.An 3rd of all this is your child nnot hers and she needs to respect that.i mean it’s ok to help an be there for your son…but you don’t overstep boundaries when it comes to someone else’s kid.

I would sit down and try talking to both of them. If she has been apart of your childs life for awhile then I can understand her wanting to get more involved in their school and stuff. I am a stepmom but I have been in her life since she was 4 months ago. I mean as long as she isnt trying to take your role as mom then let her be apart of your childs life. If she is a good person and can teach your child how to be a good person then let her. But she shouldnt be telling you how to raise your child. Its ok to talk to you about how a situation should be handle so you guys can agree on how to take care of the problem. Its ok to let her be apart of the childs life, I mean the more love they will receive because of it!!

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You need to tell your ex to reel her in or you will. Things were fine the way they were and she needs to have her own to worry about

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Im going threw the same thing with my nephews step mom. Ive had my nephew for 7 years. Now they want him back.

It’s nice for her to want to be involved. But if she isn’t listening about boundaries, I see no problem in cutting the toxic person out of your life. I had to do that with my kids because it got to the point where I was just done tolerating her knowingly stepping past her limits.

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Oh Lord! I dealt with this. My son’s father was with a girl for a month before she asked for medical proxy of my sons. Stand your ground. Include her but it isn’t your job to tell her what your ex should be telling her.

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Co :clap:parent​:clap: the :clap:kid​:clap:
This woman is stepping up where baby daddy stepped down and if shes into your child as if it was her own be proud of that cause too many step parents are busy hurting these babies than actuay trying to love them… if you have a problem with her sit down and talk to her and him set some ground rules for co parenting. It takes a village to raise a child. If you have the chance to not have to be 100% on your own and to have the father be part of your kids life ( willing that the father is and has the ability to care for the child )

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She is clearly not willing to respect you as your son’s mother and the role you play and her fiance’s life. Meaning she is still too young and immature to really comprehend having a cordial friendly relationship with the mom of her step child and is clearly threatened about you communicating with the father of your son without her knowing about it. her trust issue not yours and for them to figure out as a couple. when you see her in person say hi and be cordial just so things aren’t Awkward, if you do things for your son together with the father of your son invite her as well just to keep the peace for your son’s sake. I wouldn’t address her about her boundaries or her issues respecting you as his mom because quite frankly that will just make things more difficult and you don’t want it to start affecting the relationship between your baby’s father yourself and your son. leave it alone don’t speak to her directly if you must bring something up bring it up to your son’s father i,n a kind manner. cut off communication with her don’t even address it just do it and like I said when you see her in person just be cordial and say hi that’s it. As far as her having any decision making in your son life truth of the matter is anything regarding your son especially major things have nothing to do with her you and your son’s father are the parents no one else. Now you can make accommodations for her if you feel it necessary within reason if something that is going on with your son directly affects her and her life but other than that you have no obligation to communicate with her especially about Your son. She is not to the point in her life where she is willing to have a cordial relationship with you as Mom and honestly right now she’s just having a pissing contest to make sure that you know he belongs to her. ignore it.

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She needs to stay in her damn lane and nothing needs to be forwarded to her. I am a step mom and I would never interfere like that. She sounds like a psycho

Oh this tricky. Y’all might not like my info.

My sister married her wife a couple years ago. (yes gay) Sister’s wife was previously married with 2 kids. So i now have new pre teen niece and nephew. Love them! Dad has remarried. So now it’s dad, momma mommy, mom. Every dang one in them are involved in those childrens lives. They are there to love them, care for them, discipline them. May it be home, school, sports, medical. And sometimes they live in separate states. (Military)

Y’alls babies NEED you to find a common ground. Call a family meeting. Work out the problems. Cause if dad marries fiance, then she is mom to. Step parents can be amazing. Another human loving your child as if they are their own is amazing.

And sometimes constructive criticism is hard to take.

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The amount of people acting trashy (I’m sorry but wanting to smack someone,etc is just trashy behavior for adults) is astonishing…coming from a step mom, be thankful she’s trying to be involved. She’s probably trying to figure all this step mom stuff out…have a convo with her and dad about it.

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This is my biggest fear… honestly I would put her in her place and just let her know that its not her place. And just explain that you are the mother and she needs to stop acting like she is. I know for a fact I would but my sons fathers Gf in check really quick. I don’t deal with that. There needs to be respect!

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Well if your sons father had any respect for you he wouldnt allow that , when my daughters father and I broke up , we both didnt let our significant others get involved !

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As far as school and health with the dr, tell them to not talk to her since she does not have your consent to handle anything

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Id ask her out for coffee. Then very calmly but firmly lay down the law. She would be very clear on my boundaries and I would be very sure to maintain those boundaries regardless of what she wants

Honestly she is not trying to our mom you she is trying to fix where your ex left off. Maybe you should try to look at it like your ex is gay and instead of another woman it was a guy trying to be so involved. It’s her way of trying to give your child a second parent. I haven’t been in your side of this before but I have been in her schools and honestly I just wanted my ex to be a better parent than he was before I came into the picture

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:raising_hand_woman:t2: stepmom and I do everything for my 3 bonus kids cause in total we have 6 I go to the meetings at the school dr appt and I’m the one that misses work to take care of them you should appreciate that she steps in maybe you need to talk with her not just your ex husband she should know about your child and if your ex can’t be at school meeting then she needs to take his place it’s in court order that I am to be present at our kids

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That’s going to be her step child. Grow up and co parent. It’s the same as if you’re getting married. Don’t be a bitter mother

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Have you ever thought about the fact maybe she just cares for your child, and in order for her relationship to work she’s got to build a relationship with your child … work together for your children instead of against each other over them. I swear your whole life will change! :heart:

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I communicate with both my ex and his girlfriend. She’s very sweet and tries to do everything in her power for us to be friends . And I’ve decided I’d rather be happy and have happy children then to fight with them for no reason . Maybe in a nice way tell her to respect your space that you need time to adjust sharing your children with another woman .

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You need to sit down OR write her a letter, Without being harsh or rude express how she makes you feel. Explain to her that you are grateful she is in your sons life BUT she needs to not overstep boundaries etc…
If she can’t have a clear headed conversation about it let her know you will no longer be allowing her to have such a big role and the role she will have will consist of what you feel appropriate

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Having more people to love your child is great! That’s just one more person there to
Support them!

However… there are still boundaries. But to me it sounds like maybe she wears the pants and is trying to get him to be more proactive?

The unsolicited parenting advice would piss me off but other than that I’d welcome someone having my child’s best interest at heart.

Maybe it’s time to sit down in person… anyone involved in a parent role should be there.

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Wow you other moms are awful I’d my ex was responsible to get another woman to help with my kids I would expect her to bed helpful with my kids

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Not her child. Not her place.

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I’m just going to say it , she can’t be a step mom if he isn’t being a dad .

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She has no legal standing. Depending on what your custody order says, you may have to have an attorney send a cease and desist to her. Also get him for back child support.

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Maybe he doesnt communicate with her and she might worry she is not doing everything she needs to do because she doesnt have biological kids? Like maybe when your son is there, she is the sole provider and just needs to know everything. I wouldnt hound her for trying to be a great step mom but I would talk to her. Invite her out to a luncheon or coffee. I’m not saying be best friends but if it is already friendly, why not try to make some boundaries in a better way? It is a hard transition when someone comes into your kids life. My daughters step mom. … I hated her but we are cordial now and can hold a two minute convo and I’m thankful for that.

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Nothing like unsolicited parenting advice from someone who is not a parent to put someone in the mood to amicably work together.im sure she means we’ll.sorry for you Mumma

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I’m all for the inclusion of step parents :heavy_heart_exclamation:
Only way it wont work is if someone is still in love jealous or bitter.
As many have said be THANKFUL she wants a part in your child’s upbringing. If the parents are on the same page and ok the children will be ok.

Coming from a step parent that reached out to the mother. Just got grief. Soon as I had a child she flipped out. Wanted to be mom. Even though He had em since she left 10+yrs before.
One by one after they turned 18 they came home.

Plz dont fight argue or allow.
Maybe you and her should have lunch.

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If they are getting married why would you not want her involved in his life? If she is causing dad to be more involved that is a good thing. She’s probably wanting communication forwarded to her not only so she knows what’s going on but also because it seems like you try very hard to leave her out. Do you not understand that every decision you guys make affects her life? She should be included in that. I realize dad has always let you be in charge but it should not be that way. You will have to learn how to adjust to co parenting and give up that control issue. That is after all what is in the child’s best interest. Put your energy into working together instead of trying to block her/them from participating in his life.

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Nothing wrong with that.
I’m a stepmom and I did kinda the same with my stepdaughter mom.
We have a group message, everything that is needed to say about the kids I need to know as well.
We do have full custody (thanks to me)

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She would soon keep my boundries

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She’s stepping up to participate in your child’s life. If she was ignoring him, you’d be complaining. Seems like a lose lose for her.

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Dont have other one of them around u and the child

Let her be involved. Don’t push her out of your son’s life. She is now a part of yalls life. It ain’t just you and him anymore. I can understand feeling like she needs to just be the girlfriend. Unsolicited advice would frustrate me as well so tell her thank you for your advice we are it. You don’t have to take her advice.

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Been on both ends and being a step mom is hard as hell.
You’re either too involved and overstepping… or you back off and then you don’t care about your step child.
If she doesn’t have kids then she may not understand that it bothers you.
I’d try talking to her myself. Go to lunch or Starbucks or something.
As far as other step parents having it set in court that they have to be involved with certain activities, personally, I could never. I’d feel disrespectful and intrusive…And I’d feel very concerned if my exes new SO ever did anything like that. If you wanna know something about a school meeting or an appt ask me or ask dad. Having a judge order your right to be involved is weird to me, but to each family their own… Thankfully I’ve never come across this.
But yea. I’d try talking to her. :woman_shrugging:t2:
I’m not a step mom anymore, but I personally found it best to stay in my lane unless I was invited into hers/th,eirs. It was a lot less stressful for me and easier that way. Bio mom and I got along better that way too.

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Have you talked to your ex?what does he say?after all,it’s his kid to.

Even the courts will tell her, she’s not obligated to know ANYTHING. Ignore her and tell her to stay in her place as a step mom and nothing more. If you want help you’ll ask. Until then, she can kindly back the :face_with_symbols_over_mouth: off.

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So you don’t want her to treat your son as her own and love him?

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OMG if you figure this out write a book and you will become a millionaire. We went through this and I really had to stop myself from physically grabbing ahold of her. Now my kids over 18 and hardly ever sees either her or his dad.

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It takes a village, honey! Lean on her if she is willing. Your kid will thrive if both houses are involved! Good luck

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She needs to back off

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Tell her she needs to step back and understand this is between you and him period

Tell you’re ex-husband to STOP HER INTERFEARING, ARE YOU WILL HURT HER AND HIS FEELINGS. TO THEORY POINT OF REFUSE ING TO ALLOW HIM ANY INFO OF YOU’RE SON

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Just don’t forward her anything. She’s not entitled to know everything that’s going on as long and you and his dad are in communication about it. She does however need to let you know if she is doing anything health and school wise for him. YOU are his mother not her. She sounds over barring.

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First unless you consent to it she can’t legally do anything at school except attend activities where relatives are welcome. She’s not even married to dad yet. Ignore her unsolicited advice unless it’s something you find helpful. You are not onligated to forward her anything and she may not do anything with medical without written consent and the Dr should know this.

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YOU are the mother she is the stepmother it is not the same what you say goes and it is You that sets boundaries not her. If you let her run the show, then it’s your fault. Stand up for yourself tell her you appreciate her input but it isnt her place and to stay in her lane.

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Tell jer if she wants that info, she should get it from her fiance.

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So you have another person loving your child…seems like a bonus for your child

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Why should you need to forward all communications to her? :thinking: BD should be informing her throughout. She sounds jealous and like she’s trying to be in control. If u don’t feel comfortable with it then keep voicing ur opinion.

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You don’t have to communicate with her at all and their not married she isn’t allowed asses to doctor school ect with out consent and you can also remove her from the consent form even if you didn’t put her on them !

Put your foot down this is not her place and she is beyond stepping over boundaries

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You guys need to meet for coffee, TALK and figure things out tell her exactly how you feel, ask her when she has kids is she gonna be as involved and how would she feel if the shoe was in the other foot. Good luck.

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Punch her in the nose- just kidding!!

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As a bonus mom to two boys. The mom and I have a good relationship. However when it comes to the boys I let the ex and my husband work it out. Maybe talk to her and state look I understand you love my child and I really am happy that you however I am only to need to respond to the ex not you. So please stop thinking you are mom to him. When I am mom. And so when my child is with you and my ex I don’t want you thinking you have to tell me how to raise My Child. When you become a mother then you will have the say on how to do whatever. As of my child keep your mouth shut. And step back.

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Be nice, talk to her nicely about your concerns. Or bitch and make parenting your kid a fight.
I really likes my ex’s first wife. She was really good about realizing I would have her kids more than their dad. When her kids got sick we would always touch base and whoever could that day, picked them up from school and cared for them.we met for drinks alone in the beginning and hashed every thing out, like big girls. We met for happy hour one day a month and talked about what happening, upcoming events. We both appreciated that we were doing our best.

She sent me Rose’s every mothers day.
I’m still friends with her!

No but seriously the father needs to let this woman know that she has a place & she needs to learn to stay in it! Legally, she isn’t anything to your child so she really needs to just back off. I would be LIVID if some woman expected to be involved like that in my child’s life. There’s no reason for her to be involved with healthcare & there’s 100% no reason why contact about you and your ex’s child needs to be forwarded to her. She sounds like an insecure weirdo. I’d tell her that if she doesn’t back off she’s going to make things harder for the father and herself and nobody wants that.

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As far as telling you how to raise your child suggestions don’t hurt and you do not have to follow them. She is engaged to your ex so she’s probably going to be there for the long haul so it’s a good thing she is treating your son as her own. Some people are pushy and she may have some jealousy issues as well especially if she thinks you’re required to forward her messages when communicating with your childs father. You aren’t dating her the ex is and she isn’t on the birth certificate. If your ex wants her involved then he can forward the messages to her himself it’s not your responsibility to communicate a damn thing with her and that’s what I’d tell her.

Assuming that you are a good parent and you are the primary legal guardian tell the school/caregivers/doctors they are not to give her any information. Tell her you are not answerable to her but you are happy to communicate with the father.

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Tell her to stay in her lane and leave it at that. It’s cool that she wants to be involved but demanding anything is way too far.

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Cut all contact with her lol . Block her numbers and let it be known that she isnt YOUR obligation! You didnt lay down in bed with her lol … she has zero say in regards to YOUR son . That’s all between you and your ex . Not her

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Cut her ass off :woman_shrugging:t4:
Easy peasy. Let all officials (drs office, school, etc) know she is not authorized to have info disclosed to her, make decisions, etc. Block her number (unless she actually does watch your child one on one.)
Don’t feed into her bs.

I would say it’s your fault for not putting your foot down sooner. :woman_shrugging:t2:

It’s not her place to do ANYTHING. Just tell BOTH of them that SHE is not his parent and has 0 say in anything, that you’ve been the one and will continue to be the one to make the decisions and that his father is the only one that gets an opinion . As for the forwarding messages, if I were him I wouldn’t be marrying someone who needs to babysit my conversations.

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If she’s not on paperwork she doesn’t have much say in anything. It’s mostly up to you and his dad.

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Sounds like you’re used to being in control and now he has a SO that is going to push him to step up and has zero problems being vocal about it. :woman_shrugging:t6:

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Tell the school that she is not anyone who should be informed on your child same with doctors. It’s not her place unless it’s made her place by both parents of the child and that’s coming from someone who is a stepmom. She sounds like she just wants to control the relationships her future husband has and that’s not cool.

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If she is demanding messages be forwarded to her tell her to have her man do that. How the heck is any of that even involving you…lol tell her to go be crazy somewhere else.

Haha !!! I dare a [email protected]$#% :upside_down_face:

Maybe do what i did with a communication book and maybe adjust orders and add do not denigrate in front of child or yourself

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I also found out that you can put personal order on her as it’s your ex partner

Stop communicating with her unless it’s about picking up and dropping off and remind your child’s dad that decision he makes has to be decided with you too.

One more thing, don’t expect respect from her, if you can’t give it in return. 🤷

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