I am involved in a divorce and because of drugs, criminal activity, child abuse and various other issues the father Was not awarded any custody or visitation agreement. Our child is a year and a half old and it has now been a couple weeks since he has seen his father…But he still wanders around saying daddy, he was looking at pictures on the wall and points at them and says daddy. It broke my heart and I took them down… I obviously plan to tell him about his father down the road, but it’s not anything I can explain to him right now because he’s so little. I guess I’m just wondering if anybody else in this situation can give me some insight on how to handle this. How long was it before he forgets about his dad? Like I said I don’t want to pretend like he never existed, I have every intention of showing him who he is and I made a scrapbook of some pictures that we have but is it selfish to just hide them all right now and want him to forget about him? Until I can better explain what happened?
If he wasn’t awarded visitation or custody, leave it be. It’s your job to protect your child, he can know about him when he’s older.
I would divert his attention to something else whenever his father is brought up or he asks about him. Just explain further down the road.
My ex moved to Florida when my son was about that age. I just told him daddy had to go away and i would redirect his attention to something else. He’s too young to really understand anything at this point.
In time your son will forget and not ask for daddy. When I left my ex the first time, my boys forgot who he was and wouldn’t go near him after a while. I had a restraining order on him so he couldn’t come near me or my boys.
You can say daddy is sick and won’t be around for a while. I had to do this with my son at a young age. Addiction is a sickness in a way. There’s alway time for the father to get better.
daddy is in the hospital getting better
I think you are trying to get at the psychological affects your child wil have by this traumatic experience? Mhmm, I think you should explain to your child, validate his emotions. Give him a picture of his father if he wants that. Let your toddler cope and go through the process without interferences.
My son was 15 months when his biodad and i split. In all fairness he wasn’t much of a father, more of a babysitter. He wasn’t all that upset…but we moved in with my mom. my grandma and mom babysat him while i worked. He really enjoyed that.
He’s 6 now. He doesn’t remember him. As far as he’s concerned my husband is his dad.
Just keep him distracted as best you can. Snuggle him twice as much. Don’t try to explain anything right now and don’t worry about how to explain it later on…you’ll just know when the time is right and you’ll have a better idea of how based on his age.
Same situation with us. My sons dad was into drugs, he was committing crimes, and he couldn’t be around our son anymore. He was 1 and a half. He’s now 10 and he just started asking about him.
I would explain it in a sense he’d more understand that daddy’s in a big boy time out and leave it at that
My daughter is 3. She’s never met or been around her dad due to him being an abusive drug addicted alcoholic. I moved states after he abused me for the last time. She asks about her daddy bc the kids in daycare have daddys. She’s seen pictures of him, aND knows him that eay, but that’s about it a lot of kids dad’s work so I just tell her he has to work far away for awhile and she’s ok with that.
I have been in this situation.i waited till she was 12 to give her details about why I kept her away . Before then I would just tell her it was in her best interest to not have him around .
Hes young enough that he will forget, I’d leave it be. Just wait until he is older to explain the situation.
Personally I would explain it in a way he can understand right now “daddy was bad and he had to go away”
I would tell him son dady is sick one day i hope with faith in god you could ser him.
My daughter’s father is a drug addict. He’s met her twice and lately, she’s been saying “daddy” a lot. I just plan on telling her, when she’s old enough to understand, that her dad had some problems, he’s sick, and that he had to go away in order to get better/for us to be safe.
“You must believe you can. You must find the place inside yourself where anything is possible. It starts with a dream. Add confidence, and it becomes a belief. Add commitment, and it becomes a goal in sight. Add action, and it becomes a part of your life. Add determination and time, and your dream becomes a reality. When you get in a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, Never Give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”
They never forget. Just be honest and there for them.
He’s too young to understand. At this point redirect his attention to something he likes.
Right now he’s young. You don’t have to explain anything. If questions come up later down the line be honest but fair. It is his father. My mother never spoke a bad word about my father and I figured out on my own that I didn’t want his negativity in my life. Your son will most likely do the same.
Can’t there be supervised visits.
Not to be rude at all, but with all of the criminal activity that dad was doing how much was he even really around your child? Most kids don’t retain memories until they’re three. trust me that it’s better for you to have split now and for Dad to be absent now than it would be in 5 or 6 years. your child may always remember when he sees a photo of his father that that is his father, but he won’t likely retain any memories of them ever being together or anything his father did. It will get easier in time, but for now I’m sure it’s very hard on you as well and your child probably senses that and he probably thinks that may be part of that is because his father is missing. It’s going to be normal for him to go through a grieving period, just allow him to be able to grieve and try to redirect his attention. I understand that dad’s in a very dark place right now and not a good example, but there is going to be no way that you can ever explain that to a child that age. you just need to validate his feelings let him grieve over the fact that he doesn’t see his dad anymore and won’t be able to comprehend why. Just be there for him and be the rock that he needs. It will get better I promise. As someone whose been through a similar situation you will make it and your son will be okay.
I wouldn’t say daddy is bad I would say Daddy is sick and he needs to get help.
I don’t know about the father in time maybe he can get he’s addiction under control and get help and want to see his son. Our he may never change
But for now he is young and will adjust with time and when he is old enough to understand then you can explain to him.
You need to move on as well and rebuild your life good luck.
My son is 12 and we just went through his dad signing rights away. I would definitely get with a counselor when he’s older and go about addressing it there!
This has bothered me, so dad made some mistakes, That baby is looking for his dad. Are you truly doing this to your child? You are really going to take his daddy away because of mistakes and bitterness. Why not try and let Dad get help and then start with supervised visits? Seems like that would be what’s best. Dads are important too.
If the court order has it where he cannot see the child at all then I wouldn’t listen to someone’s suggestion on here that its up to you for him to see the child. I have no suggestions on how to explain why dad is not there bht I wish you the best.
In my experience, the first mistake is counting “Dad” out. Life has a lot of twists and turns and even though you don’t see it now, he could eventually become the father your child needs.
My husband and I went through a separation. I kept our daughter with me. Within a couple of months of not seeing him (still had daily calls so she could talk to him) she didn’t ask for him and when he called she wasn’t super interested in talking to him. She was about the same age as your child is now. I think though it would be best to keep them apart right now. Good luck
My boyfriend has a 5 year old and I have been in the picture for two years and his son calls me mommy now. His birth mom has no custody due to drugs and alcohol and various other issues as well. Back in April she was doing visitations and he would just refer to her as “mom” because that’s what she refered to herself as. But after the visit he wouldn’t talk about her at. Even now he has no idea who she is and she stopped doing her visits again…we plan to tell him about everything as well but even at 5 he is too young to understand what’s going on.
So did people just skip over the child abuse part?
Don’t let him forget about him. When he wants to point at pics and says Daddy just say yea…he loves you very much but he’s not here right now. And leave it at that.
GUYS I WANNA REMIND YOU THAT SHE SAID CHILD ABUSE. No dad deserves to see a child after that, the child is just to young to know better. Don’t try to guilt a mom into a potentially dangerous situation. Geez.
He’s so young just grab his attention elsewhere. Explain it to him when he’s a little older.
My ex-husband became heavily dependent on medicated drugs.
Had warrants left and right. He disappeared one day when our baby was a little under two.
My son did the same thing. Asked for dad. Loved his dad. Asked for him day and night in tears for several months.
I told him daddy was sick. And he needed time to get better. That sometimes it would take days or months or years to get better but he couldn’t be there while got better.
I reassured our son that he was loved. And that he was safe.
This went on for two and a half years.
One day out of the blue I get a phone call from his dad. Saying he’s gotten better and that he was clean.
I went with him to his doctors appointment because I had to hear this for myself by a professional. I asked for supervised visits at a public location. For a half hour at a time so our son could get used to him again. Did that twice a week for two weeks.
Then an hour. Then I slowly started to back off and he and his son would play for the whole hour. Then I’d sit on the bench.
Finally I’d wait in the car. He started picking him up. For longer periods. Then overnights.
Until we had 50-50.
If you’re honest with yourself it’s you that wants to forget this man. You. Because it’s easier to move on than to see your child suffer. Trust me it hurt like hell and I’d cry most nights.
But my son has his dad back and he couldn’t be happier.
I’m not saying this will happen to you. Your situation although similar are different. I’m not saying if he ever does return in that he’ll do the right thing.
I’m not even saying he should get another chance if you don’t see fit. You must always ensure the safety of your son first.
But you should do the right thing by your son. Don’t let him forget.
Omg people the lady said child abuse was involved! Wth is wrong with you guys? A judge literally decided he not get any visits or custody. Obviously a judge determined the best interest for the kid was the father not be near him. Smh. Would you allow a child abuser in your kids lives?
Momma, you’re doing the best you can. No there is nothing to explain while he is at this age. I’d just say daddy’s not here and change topic. When he is old enough to ask questions, answer honestly but age appropriate. I wish you luck, and I’m proud of you for making such a hard life move.
I have 3 kids, 3 dad’s. None of them see their father. Fathers choice. I don’t care either way. Your loss, not mine.
My ex is still involved with drugs and criminal activity, 15 years later. My kids know of him, they have no memory of him, and they know why they don’t see him.
To hell with half these freaking people. To the woman who posted this, YOU ARE SO BRAVE AND STRONG. Your baby is so very blessed to have you as his momma, protecting him!
As a child who came from a similar situation, be brave and strong. When your baby is older, he’ll understand. Right now, all he sees is that’s his dad. He doesn’t understand. I was the same way when I was younger. I saw/experienced all kinds of things I should’nt have had to, and at the time, did not understand. For now, let that be his “dada/daddy”. The questions will come later on as he grows, trust me. And as he grows, explain to him, as gentle as you can (because I know you will have anger in your heart towards that man for what he put you and that poor baby through) who and what his daddy choose to be. One day, he’ll understand.
For now, you have every damn right to be angry, now and forever. Just be gentle to baby. Baby sees you and that piece of work as his whole world and doesn’t understand. Stay strong momma. One day your baby will understand and thank you for being loving and protecting.
I agree with the “Daddy is sick” thought. If the man ever pulls his head out of his arse, maybe things will change. But right now,you got to protect that baby.
I would just not say anything right now, hes just a baby .
Take all the pics down… he will forgot. Been there…
Everyone needs to shut their fucking mouths up. My ex is a criminal thriving fuck with a record a mile long! He did crack on one of his visits and was covered head to toe In holes and yet he still has the right for custody not that he wants it. So this lady OBVIOUSLY had a dam good reason for him to not go near them
Sorry for everything you are going through. Being that it’s divorce and custody battle, the photos should come down for both your sakes. At such a young age he isn’t going to remember. But he will get curious about his father. That’s when you can talk to him about it. I was raised by my grandmother due to both my parents being involved in drugs. It’s never an easy discussion. My dad did come back around though not often, until I was a teen. We have a great relationship now, though more as buddies/friends and storytelling, poetry, laughs, and some good advice from a wild reckless old man over the years.
Your situation has a much more serious, dark undertone. Over time you will find words to describe him once your son is old enough that are appropriate for the child.
So for now, let the memory fade and focus on building this new chapter. You have the strength to persevere and grow
My son is 9 years old and his father walked out on us when he was just a year old. I have always to him his daddy loves but he just didn’t know how to be a daddy. No child should hear negativity about biological parents no matter what the situation. Children can make the decision once they are older.
That’s a sad situation. Idk how old ya’ll are, but hopefully his dad will eventually get his shit together and can come back into his son’s life as a man that’s ready to take care of his responsibilities instead of continuing to live the life he’s been living. Until then, I don’t see any problem in letting him see pics of his dad. It will keep his memory clear of him instead of wondering why he just disappeared from his life. Then, when he’s older, you can explain to him why his dad hasn’t been around. It’s not an easy situation no matter how it’s handled. I wish the best for all of y’all.
Devastating. Take the pictures down and dont mention him the abuse part wow… like nope that’s pretty much unforgivable and I’d never mention his sorry ass again. The other stuff well stuff happens but the child abuse mmmm nope no way in hell would I talk about him.
Just tell him that Daddy did something really bad and has to go away. That it’s just him and Mommy now and your gonna make things great! Then you go forward and make a wonderful Life for you and your child.
“Daddy has gone away for a long time to get better.” Do not say he was/is bad, because then the child might feel like he will turn out bad too. Keep other loving people in your child’s life & put their pictures up. Maybe get a special stuffed toy/pillow/blanket as a “lovie” to help him cope. Buy at least two so you can swap them out to wash it.
Yes you can explain it to him, if he doesn’t understand now he will in a few months. You simply say that while daddy loves you very much he is making very bad choices that right now and because of those choices he is unable to take care of you the way that Daddy’s are supposed to and the way that you deserve. And say that you hope daddy starts making better choices. And around 5 you can explain that Daddy is an addict although I hope for the baby’s sake he gets the help he needs.
Why would this last his whole life? Just because his father is going through things now does not mean he won’t change! You choose him as the father right? Your son is young so I’m sure this is nothing new
No it’s not selfish. My son’s step dad almost killed him and broke our son’s arm. He hasn’t seen either of them since, they were 3 and 1, now 14 and 16. When they started getting older and asking questions I didn’t lie, but kept it age appropriate and as honest as possible. They now know the full story and still have questions at times but neither have the desire to be around him. Shortly after our court things were over he was in a new relationship and after they had a baby the pattern repeated. He now has been ordered by a judge, that he is not allowed with children under 18 without supervision. They don’t all change. Most don’t. You do what’s best for your child and their safety. Anyone pushing you to do otherwise is risking your child’s safety and yours. You got this mama. It takes time. Be patient. I didnt leave pictures up, it was too painful for everyone. I made scrap books and baby books and such but packed them in boxes until they started asking questions. You will know when its right to share and what to share. You can reach out on messenger if you need to chat! Good luck!
Child abuse,and drug use go hand in hand . I would need to know more before I say talk bad about dad in front of child.
That being said I like the idea of saying daddy is sick when he gets better you can see him and yes have happy picture of him and his daddy where he can see . Kids never forget their parents as he gets older and ask you can explain more .
My ex is serving 23-47 years for abusing my kids. The older two were 4 and 5 and still remember their dad. They are now 9 and 10. The youngest was only 3 and it only took a few months for him to quit asking for his dad. Now hes 7 and doesn’t remember him at all. Getting your life back on track and small changes and getting a routine helps to focus on now and forgetting the past. Good luck momma!
Explain daddy had to go away. As he gets older say daddy was naughty to him and so you had to keep him safe as grown ups are not allowed to be naughty to children. Just ‘drip feed’ information consistently, in an age appropriate way over the years so it never comes as a shock at any point. As he is old enough you can explain about the legal aspect. Always be sure to emphasise he is a good boy, safe and loved ( i.e. will not also be sent away for being naughty!). Well done for doing the right thing, never use emotive language about dad just facts and the scrap book is a good idea for later.
Dont mention it at all.
He won’t forget him he may stop talking about it but believe me you better be prepared for when he’s a teen and starts asking questions. I don’t think it’s right that you want him to forget his father
My son isnt going forget who his dad are…your son probably wont be…its my son’s father choice does not want do anything with my son it’s his loss who cares really…all you need is worry about your own son lifestyle, make sure he had his needs met and everything then he will be fine
You put daddy’s pictures up and a copy of your decree and when he gets old enough and asks then you can explain everything and show him the papers and the pictures… until then your right he won’t understand but never talk bad about him to your child or when he is around … dont make yourself look like the bad person
He’s too young to even bother trying to explain. He will forget.
At that age they will not notice him around???
i went through the same thing my daughter was 1 year and 16 days old when her daddy made the fatal mistake to drink and drive. She walked around house looking at pics and crying for him. i took down pics as well. i think it sped up her process of healing until she was older. at first i tried explaining it at first but she never understood anything. eventually i would just redirect her and when she was older i explained. she is almost 19 and HATES alcohol because she has no memories of a man everyone else has good memories with.
I never met my dad… never seen a picture. Up until I was 14 I was always told he was dead. Found out during an argument with my mother that he was NOT dead. He was just not a nice man. But that still didn’t change my curiosity about him. I’m almost 36 now, and still I have questions, and a whole lot of resentment towards my mother about it.
You can’t hide it for ever. Just go easey, he will always be his father. That will never change, what kind of father will depend on the father!
Eventually, when u replace the memory of the father with other things like… loving family members, spending time with cousins or other little ones. They just forget about it over time… it’s all upto you and how you decide to go about it. Ive always been honest with my daughter about the why and wheres my dad…
Well you are right in that there is no point in explaining right now sense he is so young still there is no way he would understand, but because he is so young unfortunately he will eventually forget about him and grow up to not know who he is. For now I would just put away pictures of your ex/his dad just to try and make it a little easier for your son cuz seeing pictures of him around the house I’m sure is not helping. When he is old enough to understand you can tell him the truth and ask him if he would like to see a picture of his dad that way he is deciding for himself.
I would pack it all away. When he asks just say he had to go away. And change the subject. He is so young he probably will forget him. But eventual he will want to know why he doesn’t have a daddy. Don’t talk bad about him. Say as little as possible. When he is old enough to understand or old enough to know how drugs can effect someone I would tell him he had to go away because of how drugs made him act. But never tell him it was that his father was bad. I went threw this with my son. He was 4. He has never used drugs he is 30yrs old now. And his father still has not showed up.
My son is 7. He hasnt seen his father in over 4 and half years. He doesnt remember him now. All he remembers is that his dad beat me almost to death and my child is one who had to see and deal with the aftermath. I know it will be hard for you but sometimes people like that dont need to be in the child’s life. I would let him forget for now and when hes older tell him the truth about everything.
Just a simple daddy’s gone. Dont try to explain or turn into an issue a baby doesn’t understand or a toddler has to deal will
At that age…just hide the pics and dont mention “daddy”…he is too young to understand or even remember…
You can’t change your xxx but you can prevent your son from being hurt over and over if he’s not willing to change for his child than he doesn’t need to be his life went thru this with my adopted children they don’t remember their parents my rule was if you can’t be straight an apart of their life then your not welcome to be with them it is heart wrenching to see so much hurt on their little faces
He will get visitations if he cleans up his act it’s never good to take children from parents maybe u could have him have supervised visits
You don’t have to hide anything. It’s ok for him to see and recognize his dad. You just say yes that’s daddy, one day maybe you’ll see daddy again but he’s sick right now and needs to get better. And leave it at that. As he gets older things may change, dad may change and you can re-evaluate what is appropriate for him to know.
Kids are very resilient it won’t be long before they forget things at that age and move on, as long as you don’t dwell on it and make it a constant issue, No it is not selfish to want him to forget. The Father will not be in his life physically. If the child doesn’t bring it up neither should you. Some day you may find a Great Guy who will love you and your child and he may become the best father he could have. Later on down the road when he is much older he may ask you about his real Dad and thats when you can tell him some things, but keep it mild and don’t down the dad and don’t offer more information than is wise. when he is an adult you can then go in depth about it. but you don’t want to take the chance that the child will think he is some how at fault for his dad not being in his life. Let The child have a Happy childhood without all the grief and let him love the next Man you may meet that again will love your son.
You think about it very carefully and let it be ur choice, read the comments but I decide. You should not put his dad’s pictures away bcuz he will grow and will throw in ur face and blame you for it and then around and leave. You think about it , kids are unpredictable. God Bless you and your baby
Just tell him daddy is sick or something. However sad it is, he will eventually stop asking. And when he is older you can do as you want with the talk and scrapbook about him.
He’s a year and a half and would not understand anything at that age. When he’s older explain that he has plenty of people in his life that love him & his Father does not get to have the pleasure of knowing him by his own choices.