I was with my son’s father for 5 years and about a year ago I found out he was heavily using drugs so I left with our son and I was granted full custody, got my own apartment an back on my feet then decided to enroll my baby in preschool (he was 3 at this time) after about a month the preschool teacher had told me he was too much of a handful for the class and he was hitting, not listening, and yelling (during this time his father unfortunately disappeared) so they told me to work with him and possibly try counseling for a while and we could try again. So I took him to a psychologist for a few weeks who approved of him seeing a therapist (hes turned 4 at this point) and I put myself in parenting courses(6 weeks which I completed I felt I could use help as being a single mom was new an very very hard) and I put myself in therapy. SO I re-enroll him in school he got the same teacher an he’s still hitting in class not listening he doesn’t like sharing an he doesn’t do this at home I feel that because it’s just him and i at home he doesn’t have to share like at school if a kid sits on the letter my kid wants to sit on he will hit them or scream an cry I tried explaining to take a deep breath and that he can sit on other letters in his name or like his last name I just don’t know what else I can do he’s getting in so much trouble and it’s just about EVERYDAY and it’s not getting better. I have an appointment with the teacher and principal and counselor today I just needed to vent I guess any advice is appreciated I’m so stressed out
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get my child to stop hitting at school?
My son got kicked out of preschool for violence too. (Started working nights) He got an eip for behavioral issues and was diagnosed with adhd. The meds really helped him focus and the eip helps to be there for him when he loses his temper.
Maybe it’s the teacher…
My son is 2.5 and has been having the same issues at school. What we’ve been doing is discussing what to do when we get angry, and alternatives. For example, when we want to hit someone, we instead clap our hands. It provides the same physical outlet, just not directed at others. We talk a lot about keeping our hands to ourself and started introducing the topic of consent, usually by saying sometimes people don’t want to be touched, and we’re not allowed to touch other people without asking them first. We have the conversation morning and night and before school. When he has a good day at school we either go to the park or get something from his prize box. It seems to be working, but it takes a LOT of focus and attention
Switch teachers…I had the same problem and the teacher was sending him to the nurse almost everyday saying he needed to be tested for covid. He was always negative. The teacher just didn’t want to deal with my child. I switched teachers and have had no problems since
My son was the same way, hr got an iep and we found out he has autistic traits and adhd (we are still working on getting full diagnostic on how bad it is) here they have a special school just for kids like him! And he’s doing amazing!! He don’t hit, bite, throw things ect. It’s hard but it’s worth it!! Head up and stay strong, your doing great!
Find a new daycare or new teachers. How is he suppose to learn how to share and social skills if they keep kicking him out while he’s learning?
I agree ask for him to be put in another class it maybe he doesnt like the teacher he is very young and has a lot of turmoil you are doing your best as a mum so try not to stress out
Momma keep your head up and keep doing what you are doing you are doing great !!! He soon will grow out of this stage
That little one needs more socialization! Take him to a park with some toys and teach him to invite others to play too and if he doesn’t hit to snatch toys then you can tell him there will be a reward afterwards. Set up a reward system for him! if he plays nice at the park and plays with other kids then he can have a popsicle when he gets home and praise how great he was sharing with others and the nicer he is the more kids will play! Get toys he needs a partner to play with like those Velcro hand mits with a fuzzy ball. He has to invite someone AND share AND play nice to enjoy them. It’s just teaching him what acceptable and not acceptable. When he is “ugly” at the park then you implement the time out technique and STICK WITH IT! He has to know there are consequences for his actions. Period. Might sound cheese but super nanny on YouTube deals with this issue often. Even kids that hit their parents and throw the worst tantrums I have ever seen. It’s a total fight to break the habit but worth it in the end. You have to set clear boundaries and stick to them and not let ONE broken rule slide. Ever. He learned throwing a fit and hitting gets his way. He is headstrong and defiant because it’s been allowed (sorry) and he hasn’t been put in situations TO learn this skill. I will say that the covid lockdown may have stunted that normal coping skill so now is the time to nip it in the bud. BRAVO on the parenting classes and seeking help!
Have him checked for anything on the spectrum or ADHD and that may help you help him get the skills he needs. No diagnosis is an excuse for bad behavior BUT it will help you parent him efficiently and handle these behaviors. it’s common actually. He may not have any diagnosis and it’s just a social skill issue. Either way super nanny. Watch the moms and dad struggle with getting the kids to stay in the time out spot. It’s a BATTLE! But socializing them and gentle teaching them to share is a gentle way. Sit in the sandbox and invite others to play with YOUR toys and show him how much you are having fun. He will copy you eventually good luck momma! And good job protecting yourself and him from a bad situation … you ROCK! Don’t forget that!!
My son was similar, but fortunately for me, it was a phase, bc he was not used to other kids and having to share… We worked with learning to share and that at home, yes, he gets all the toys but at school, we share… Maybe that will help??
Once a kid has an issue with a teacher, it might be better to change schools. I would have him see a therapist. Maybe get him more into activities where he needs to share. It’s hard for an only. My son went to preschool before age 3. He was an only child and i worried. Best of luck.
Tell him he gets in trouble he is in trouble at home. If he cont. Spank his butt and tell him it will be worse next time. Fear is a great controller, look how fear controlled people into getting COVID vaccines. Love is great. Patience is great but sounds he is making wrong choices and YOU need to get control.
…Long Comment…My heart breaks for you as I went through this with my son. I know it’s hard and I know you feel alone, overwhelmed and for me, I felt like a terrible Mom. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!Try play dates. Start with 1 child for about an hour once a week at a park, the library, somewhere like that. Continue this for about a month and add more time as you see fit. Then introduce him to 2 children for play dates. Maybe a child his age that has an older sibling, add more kids and Moms when you feel the time is right. I did this and after what felt like an eternity (was only about 3 months) my sons behavior at school improved tremendously. He was a totally different child at school and at home. The downside of introducing play dates was - once he was used to them and saw how much fun he could have with friends, he ALWAYS wanted to play with a friend I ended up becoming close friends with a few of the Moms I met and after so long, we would take turns ( on a rotating schedule: one Saturday at my house with all kids no Moms and then we would just rotate the Saturdays. It was a blessing really. Us Moms got a break and most importantly our children learned social skills and overall my son became a happier kid. It was worth the hard work and it was really fun for us Moms too! Best of luck to you
Should be checked for ADHD
Get him around other kids. Make friends. Take him to the park. The only way he’s gonna learn to get along with other kids is to be around other kids and to be taught.
Ask for a different classroom placement
My son hit and was mean in general when he first started preK. We had a meeting with several people at the school and they suggested something called social stories. It’s a book they made of expectations for him in all his classes. We read it to him either before bed or before school. It took a few weeks but he stopped the aggressive behavior. They also sent him to a guidance counselor every few weeks.
Personally, I think it’s hard for a person outside the parent child relationship to be able to see what is going on. But I have 5 kids. From 18 to 3. If it were one of my kids at 4 yo. I know that they understand me very well. I would tell them, “Idk why you are hitting your classmates and behaving badly in school. But it is not acceptable. If you want to try to talk to me about it I will try to help you. But if I get a bad report from your teacher again, you will be in trouble when you get home.” And then I would enforce that.
Try letting the teachers know what’s going on with dad disappearing and what happened with his dad to cause the split and that it’s hard on him. He’s still adjusting. All preschool teachers should understand it’s hard to go from being constantly at home to now having to be in a classroom full of other kids needing to learn to share for the very first time.
Take him back to the phychiatist for an evaluation. This could be a mental illness. Was dad abusive? Your son could have PTSD. Or maybe he’s ADHD & school is overstimulating. Possibly these kids or maybe even teachers are picking in him & he can’t articulate that you. It can be so many things.
And also, if he is an only child at home, there’s your problem lol. He just needs to learn how to socialize with other kids. And he will.
We have a place in Bloomington IL called Tri-County. They help special kids to include an IEP which Is a legal documentation for help and how teachers need to help/handle your student. Look up IEP in your area and call your local place to get assistance! I got my son enrolled when he was in PRE-K
Gal sounds level headed enough to not label the child with some “illness” instead of dealing with it the right way.
You need to expose him to playing with other children outside of the school setting. Take him to a park or find a mom group and do play dates. That way you can monitor his behavior yourself and when he starts to do these things, you can step in and redirect him in the moment. It is much more effective to teach him coping techniques in the moment than it is to when he is in a good mood for this age group. Do not send him back until he begins to show progress with a smaller setting.
Thank you for being a good Momma and loving your child unconditionally and getting them the help and you too that is needed:white_heart:
Don’t give up!
Your hard work and devotion towards his positive development will pay off in your alls future
Staff should be more aware and diffusing the situation before it turns to violence . Hes young and still learning social skills. Ill guarantee hes not the only child who gets frustrated at school and they should be well able to cope. Stopping him from attending is not the answer. Dealing with the situations as they arise is and its part of their job.
He may need meds. Nobody likes to consider ODD at this age, but he may have it.
Get the book about being a “bucket filler” and a “bucket dipper.” Read it yourself and read it to your son. Point out to him when he is being a bucket filler and a bucket dipper. Reward him for being a bucket filler. Share the book with his teacher too. Maybe she will use it with the whole class. Good luck!
You sound like a very good mama. I’m sorry this is happening. I wish I had good advice for you but it sounds like you’re doing everything you can. I see you xox
I think maybe you could ask for a different teacher… May help if he is not hitting at home…maybe he hates that teacher…
Honestly I think it’s a shame the school can’t understand. These kids have been thru something so traumatic. The last 2 years has been a nightmare on everyone. Quarantines, no in person school, daycare, etc. Yet they are to come to school at 3,4,5 years old abd have it all together and know how to behave. Their little minds are so confused and then throw in the mix of home situations. How else are they supposed to act? They don’t have the ability to understand emotion regulation, heck most adults don’t. Yet we expect them to? Pre-k is for socializing and preparing kids for real school. Get it together teachers and lean in and listen to these babies!!! They are begging to be heard. Show them compassion and understanding. Teach and guide them how to understand their feelings and to manage them appropriately.
Is he in preK or daycare? Where are you that a 3 year old can go to pre-k but I mean some kids just aren’t ready by the time they are 4 to start school yet. My son won’t start school until he’s 5 next year. But definitely take him to places where he can interact with other kids so you can possibly see this behavior for yourself and work on correcting it so he will be ready to go back to school. Keep your head up. You’re doing a good job!
Try some calming essential oils. PRAY above all… and try some essential oils and or supplements for calming like Valerian for children. Personally I would not trust my children with any schools the way things are now. I had teachers tell me that my son had an imaginary friend and I was like what?? and then when they told me the name of his imaginary friend … I was like YES… that is his brother … from another mother. His father was previously married and he had another son with someone else… like that is frowned upon but “other” situations are not anymore. The world is screwed with the mental in charge. Again… PRAY about the situation. Do not let them drug your child. My son is 21 now and graduated with awards and i NEVER let them convince me to drug him for their sake. Even my son’s family doctor said he was not “special Needs” or ADHD… either way calming oils or supplements will work and did for my son,.
Keep you hands off everything unless you’re healing them. I know you can’t do that. Start taking things away. One good hit from somebody else could do it too.
No periods? No sentences? So hard to figure out what you’re trying to say. But praying for you!!!
Young one, I got to ask - did his father yell and/or abuse you? What was the environment like at home? A child’s behavior ( most of the time) is learned behavior from home. You are a great Momma for doing all the steps to help your baby. Make sure the counselor is a “ juvenile behavioral specialist “.
Make him share with you at home. Give him things, even if it’s just a granola bar and then ask him for half. If he refuses then take it from him. Also, if you have something ask him if he would like some or to share and then give part of it.
Get him those multi pack small bubbles at the dollar tree. When he gets frustrated at home let him blow his upset bubbles! This helps him learn to breathe and helps soothe him during times he can’t deal with his emotions. Calmly talk to him after a few minutes. In the beginning he may get upset and spill them in frustration. When you are upset at home it is good for you to set an example and state I am upset or disappointed. Kids learn through your actions it takes a while and is frustrating for you as well. I hope this helps this is what helped my child when he changed teachers in a daycare after 2 years he started acting out and got kicked out for his behavior.
He’s awfully young to be expected to conform to classroom routines. Some kids just aren’t ready yet. I wonder if maybe a different teacher is in order. He already has a reputation with this teacher and is going to react as expected. Maybe a different teacher will have different methods of dealing with his anger. Redirection and such are helpful. Did your son respond to the therapist? Did the therapist have any ideas on how to address the problems? I would follow their recommendations. Maybe pulling him out of preschool and trying a year in a daycare situation? He would still have other kids to interact with, but there would also be playtime interspersed with guided activity time. Maybe that would blow off pent up energy and frustration with activities that he isn’t prepared for. I think I would try it.
Practice sharing at home. You can use puppets or have a neighbor with a kid come over.
Schedule playdates and correct kiddo on the playdates. Children can’t get conditioned to being around other kids and sharing without actually being taught to share or be social and it is far easier to do these things with other kids.
The Bible says not to spare the rod or the paddle. This is discipline not child abuse.
Preschool isn’t really an educational necessity. Maybe keep him home for another year or two?
Ask him why and really listen .
Go to school with him for a few weeks & correct him.
He is a small guy with a lot of big feelings.
bust his ass and see if he likes it.
he won’t so maybe he’ll stop
I’d sit in class. School things need to be shared. If he’s bringing his own stuff in, he shouldn’t be made to share, nor expect other kids to share their personal toys. He will figure out over time, though, that doing so will make him friends.
Therapy does wonders. He’s still too young to express his feelings and the way you left had a huge impact on him. I’m not saying what you did was wrong either. I’ve been there snd my oldest daughter was 5 when I left her dad. I highly suggest therapy though
take to DR might have ODD OR ADDHD have him tested they have med to calm him down
Time to spare the rod! If my child hit at school, my child got hit when he got home .he did not like it and it stopped very fast! Punishment works ! Everyone wants to blame emotional problems ,mental illness ext… maybe he gets away with too much.im not blaming you. I raised 2 boys on my own and I had to put my foot down when they acted out.they are 2 very loving ,respectful adults today and love the heck out of me!
Firstly, super proud of you for having the courage to leave a shitty and potentially dangerous situation, particularly with a child.
Your son is crazy young, basically still a toddler.
He’s experiencing emotions that he can’t articulate, so it’s excellent you’re taking him to a therapist.
My advice would be to sit in at his preschool. The first sign of aggression, you correct immediately. Rinse and repeat.
Humans are creatures of habit. Eventually he’ll equate bad behaviour with a hard correction.
I told the kids in my class to defend themselves. I told my own kids to never start a fight but don’t be scared to finish one.
When one kid fights back and he realizes it hurts to hit. (Since you won’t) then he will learn to stop.
This could be far fetched but did you say your son is now 4 or 5? There are many variables here but I’m approaching the simplest equation first. He could be socially immature at this age. Boys mature slower than girls and every month counts at this age. For instance 4 yrs/8 mos is quite different than 4 yrs/2 mos. The problem could be very simple, remove him and start kindergarten when he’s at least 5yrs/8 mos. Just a thought.
Take him to a park or somewhere where he can interact with other kids while you supervise him. That way u can tell him right from wrong
I left DV when my daughter was 2 and for a while there were a lot of big emotions at play, understandable so, life was already tough and then it was turned on its head. Therapy was my life saver, we specifically did a lot of work on emotional regulations (helping kids put words to those big feelings and helping them learn new coping skills when overwhelmed). I had to be very patient but firm. Please don’t do what some are suggesting and use hitting as a teaching tool, right now your child needs you to help them learn better ways.
There’s so much information available online from psych articles and such about family separations and childhood development if you can’t afford the therapy sessions but I can tell you the three things that I did with my child.
- Emotional work, you can use pictures for this for his age group. Help him learn which emotion goes with which picture, describe what that might feel like for you and ask how he feels when happy, sad, angry etc. Having these words takes away some frustration of internal chaos.
- Very clearly and calmly set boundaries and explain it. Eg, you are not allowed to hit people because it hurts them and hurts their feelings. Then suggest something else they can do instead…(find what works here but we used stomping to burn energy and deep breathing while counting to 5).
- Yoga, sounds silly, but it helped reinforce those breathing exercises for a little one. Very basic moves, focusing on something happy as a redirect.
Once my child had time to adjust and time to learn some new tools things got much much easier. Obviously every child is different but at this age, simple instruction, redirection and learning to voice and externalise are all good tools they can start learning in basic ways that make a big difference.
Best of luck with it all
Sometimes little ones feel like or don’t understand that preschool is temporary. I think you can even play with him at home. Teach him how to share, or ask him how he feels at school. Always tell him you will come back to get him.
could it be that you & son could go to therapy and talk to some one - but by the sound of it a male figure - cause it sounds like he’s fighting because of how he saw things at home with his dad - and may think it’s okay to do the things he is doing cause he’s seen dad do it! just try and get help ,and i am sure in the end things will work out for u - best of luck
Quit letting a school label your child at 3-4 years old that he will carry the rest of his school life
He is not ready, THATS IT. Teach him at home. Take him to parks, play places, play dates with other kids.
If he is not exposed to other kids, sharing toys, or following schedules you can’t just throw him in school & say “do it right or get in trouble”. You MUST TEACH HIM to do these things.
& Because of the abuse in the home, you should really try positive reinforcement instead of “punishment”. Talking & explaining correct behavior, & how to handle emotions works much better at curbing anger, fear & confusion than yelling, hitting & taking things away does.
Have you tried asking him why he’s doing this and explaining to him why he can’t do things like that
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Switch teachers. She already labeled.him. sorry but I have experienced this first hand. I do believe that a child will act out in the wrong setting. Imagine u getting bad vibes and instantly.know u in the wrong place and it’s just not a right fit for you. We as adults are better at knowing and understanding feelings. Littles do not know how to process feelings like we do. They do other things to express themselves. Try getting him into an activity. Just because he is having emotions doesn’t mean there is something wrong with him. Some children do not know how to process the feelings and emotions. Smaller class setting and social activity with kids his age. Outside of school on social skills seems like a good route to take. Your both doing great:pray:t3: ur an awesome mom.
Nothing mentioned about discipline besides half assed talks…no wonder he isn’t listening.
Get into a mums group or something so that you yourself can observe him playing with other kids and teach him to share and regulate. But sounds like the teachers know his triggers and know hes going to need some support at those times. First thing out of my mouth in that meeting with principle and teacher is going to be how are they managing this in the classroom. Are they waiting for him to have an outburst and then reacting or are they being proactive, giving him a warning that he’s going to be choosing his space and that he needs to pick one not already taken, refocusing on the other letters? Thinking of ways to make other letters appealing to him? Encouraging him to think empathetically or just punishing him when he gets upset? Ask them to come up with a behavioural plan which you can support from home or even spend some time in the classroom with him. Make easy goals and communicate with the teachers regularly to review progress towards those goals.