My daughter is 4 and is preschool. Her father and I have not been together for 2 years. She went to school last year and was fine at drop off. Her father was not involved at all. This year at drop off she throws a huge fit crying and screaming, but under it she is smiling. Her father is way involved this year and likes to tell her our adult problems. I’m not sure if the two are related or not. I am just looking for advice on how to get her to let me leave her at school without throwing a huge fit. I have tried making deals with her, talking to her the night before, talking to her that morning, everything. Any advice would be awesome. Thank you.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get my daughter to go to school without throwing a fit?p
When my kid was in pre-k he also threw fits when I had to drop him off. He got afraid I would not come back and pick him up… teachers are used to the separation anxiety with the little ones.
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He shouldn’t be telling a 4 yr old anything but asking her how school was and maybe if she wants to play with play dough and ect not adult stuff she might be like this due to her dad I’m not sure
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Chances are, it’s school. Not dad.
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It’s mostly likely school, not dad. Friend had a similar issue and pulled her son out of school.
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Just keep dropping her off.
Patient and empathetically explain how we are gonna use our Sticker chart for rewards- not punish our bad days mind you- reward our good ones. You take her with you to pick out a bunch of stickers, while she’s in bed take a Bristol board and make it into a week
Or even a week broken down into parts of the day- brushing our teeth 
getting dressed 
tidying up after play, whatever works for you… include on there drop off time in a way she can understand… all these get a sticker. Make sure your mood is good at drop off too, if you’re there. Put your necklace on her, so she knows you’re coming back- hold this for me today. Take it back when you pick her up. Repeat.
Ok so- I got a box of random goodies from dollarstore in a cute box, kids got the joy of picking their stickers and high fiving me and celebrating, then picking one item. Sometimes I’d make those kids party bags with a couple candies and little things in them. Surprise bags but cheap. A week worth of all days complete is a special trip out with Mom.
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What’s her dad got to do with it???
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I think the Dad part is a whole separate issue. I teach 4 yr Olds and there are always a few thar have a hard time separating at drop off but generally are just fine a few minutes after being there. Hopefully the teacher would tell you if your child had a hard time the rest of the day. Just be matter of fact with your child give them a hug and a kiss and let them know when you’ll be back, totally ignoring the temper tantrum. Make sure to notice and give lots of praise on the easy days! I also suggest getting a Keychain or something with your family picture on it that she can hold onto and keep with her.
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Have you tried parenting?
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She is 4. Actually , I would NOT send my 4 year old to school!
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Her temper can be changing due to his involvement changing
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You may not be able to completely prevent the meltdown, but just drop her off. Don’t make it a drawn out process. Take her in. Put her stuff where it needs to go (or hand off to the teacher if that’s what you do there). Then give her a hug/kiss, tell her good bye and you’ll see her after school. This is the important part, then JUST. LEAVE.
If need be, make the teacher aware that this is the new procedure until she adjusts. They’ll be there to try to distract as soon as you leave.
If you make it a big thing, you’re giving her what she wants: more time with you. It may seem cold, but it works. A quick goodbye and then a VERY happy pickup.
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Have her carry a picture of you
I really don’t understand the ‘deals’ part, As a parent they need to make/ teach their children to do as we say, to listen to us & to let them speak their mind, no matter what age, As long as it is appropriate, Parents today are giving their kids too many choices, If there is a problem at school , have her class changed, Or talk to the head of the day care. And maybe every wk at the end of the wk, maybe the mother can do something special with her daughter after having a good wk at school, Now as for this woman’s ex, he is wrong & she needs to tell him, what goes on between him & her, should stay that way, Thei child doesn’t need to hear that.
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Might wanna check the school or the teacher. There might be someone she doesn’t like…
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School and dad aren’t the same issue.
My kids were the same when I’d leave. I’d even line up with em in the morning and walk her to the front door because it made them happy. My middle child had a harder time them covid came as she got comfortable stopping school. It was rough. You keep dropping em off you keep telling them you will see them when school is over etc. They will be fine normally fine once they can’t see you anymore and you leave
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I would say dad and school issues aren’t neccesarily related. Unless she is liking the fact she sees you both together and doesn’t want to leave because she thinks she’s missing out on something. But my son did that too the one year his dad took him to school. I finally had to arrange it to where just I dropped off and dad would pick up if he could. It helped a little because he looked forward to seeing his dad after school but the deal was he couldn’t go anywhere if he didnt go to school. Not even dads house. But both parents have to agree on that or custody issues can come into play.
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She’ll stop crying it takes time.
She’s 4. It’s normal. You walk her to the door and quickly let the teachers bring her inside. If she’s crying carry her inside quickly and hand her off to a teacher. The more you drag it out in the morning the more she realizes she gets more time to not go in. My daughter was like this for a period of time. The teacher met me outside the door we walked in together. I scanned her in and walked out. You enable her by bribing her and giving in to what she wants. This isn’t a dad problem.
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Drop her off and leave. Don’t entertain the fit. If she realizes it doesn’t get you to stay she’ll quit
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So last year my daughter went in great until her dad left for a class out of state and was gone for 3 weeks home for 10 day and gone for 2 week. The second time he left she had a meltdown everyday and would run. Her teachers aide has a surprise for her everyday if she went in by herself. Eventually she was fine took a few days but it worked. My daughter now goes in just fine this year without even saying bye. My sister got her and her daughter matching bracelets this year, and wrote her a note. Saying something along the lines of this,” here is a bracelet for you and one for mom, mom is always with you as long as you have this bracelet on. So anytime your missing me just look at the bracelet and mommy is right there with you. We also have a book about an invisible string. And explains no matter where you are there is a string connected to our hearts.
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My daughter cried almost everyday last year and she stopped. Just tell her she has to go to school and to have a good day and to make you a pretty picture at art and send her in and walk away
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Don’t negotiate with terrorists. Making deals? You’re setting yourself up for a mess.
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Ignore the tantrums… If she is smiling underneath then it’s probably just to get a reaction from you or a “deal” she’ll stop when she knows she doesn’t get her way because of it. Just my opinion. Hope you find something that works
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My daughter has a hard time at drop off, but takes less than a minute than she is fine after I leave. You’ll be surprised how well they do if you just leave & let them settle.
Don’t get out if you don’t have to. Let them get her out of the car. When I was a preschool teacher that helped with most. Good luck. Prayers and hugs.
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If the fit starts in the vehicle just unbuckle her and carry her inside give hugs and kisses then leave. Is dad maybe telling her that you won’t be coming back maybe?
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Can dad drop her off to school? If so let him deal with her morning routine
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Don’t make a deal. Get there hug her and tell her have a good day then leave. The more you stick around the longer she will throw a fit. She is throwing a fit for you. Say bye and leave once you are gone she will calm down in only a few minutes. I know this from working in a kindergarten class. The teacher would ask me to please go out and tell the parents to leave, because every time the child sees the parent they rev up the fit. Once mom or dad is gone they know they have to stay because mom &dad are gone . It’s hard but the best thing. Tell her from now on if she wants to cry go ahead. What ever works for her. I bet she stops once you don’t make it a big deal.
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Separation anxiety comes back at 4. Just ride it out and one day she won’t even know you’re gone
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Ma’am you are a whole mom and you know this about yawls problems and yawls business being put into a child’s a young child’s mind and you’re asking us how you can help your child stop having a fit first of all you need to put your husband or ex-husband or whatever he has in his place because he’s acting like a whole female And that is absolutely pathetic he’s leaning on his child about yawls issues that should’ve been nipped in the bud along time ago man that’s very toxic and if you don’t snatch that kid up and let them know who’s boss and stop that shit right now man shits gonna get out of control and it’s gonna continue and your ex-husband or whoever this is not helping
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It is fairly normal for her age, i would caution on trying to “make deals” with her in order to get her to comply. It sets up the mentality with your children that everything is negotiable and that’s not always the case. As far as her father being involved and you saying that he shares your adult problems with her you need to Nip that in the bud right now not because I think it’s the reason she’s throwing a fit when you drop her off at school but because that is toxic and unhealthy to put a four year old child or any child in the middle of their parents relationship. Other than that I guess you could try explaining to her that her bad behavior has consequences and that she needs to be a big girl and go to school without throwing a fit every morning and that if she continues to throw a fit every morning when you drop her off at school you will have to consider taking away something or have a timeout(after school obviously) as a consequence until she learns to do better about not throwing a fit when u drop her off.
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Relax. She’s 4 and this is just part of the phase she’s in now. As long as you know she’ll be alright just drop her off and don’t make a big deal of it.
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Drop and go, don’t fuel the tantrum. But before you do this, just make sure everything is ok at school that she isn’t being bullied, hurt by teachers etc. Once you stop paying attention to the unecessary “tantrum” (once you have confirmed it is actually unecessary) then after a while she will see she no longer gets any attention from it and should move on from it
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Have you talked to her teacher? I bet you that fit is only for you and she is fine minutes after you leave. If dad drops her off, there is something she gets from him when she acts out. Both evidenced by the sly look she gives you while crying.
My child is 7 and still has a tough time about schooling. Actually, she’s already expressing anxiety about it starting back up. You just try to reassure her that you’ll be back and she’s going to be fine. People are crazy with these parenting antics like kids should know how to control their emotions that young when adults still have tantrums! Keep doing the best you can.
3 yr old assistant here, make drop offs quick, let them know you’ll be back, most are fine within max 5 mins after the parents leave.
Some cry every morning at drop off and then are fine when parents are out of site
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First, I don’t think your ex telling your daughter your adult problems is the cause of her separation anxiety. I would ask him to stop it because at 4 years old, she’s not equipped to handle hearing that. Tell him if he needs to talk it out to speak with a therapist or pastor. If I were you, I would call your daughter’s teacher and be sure your daughter isn’t being bullied and that she isn’t having problems in class. If all is well, make school drop offs short and sweet. A quick hug, I love you, have a good day, and see you later. Then bounce with a smile on your face. If your daughter cries, she will probably stop a few minutes after you’re out of sight.
Hype it up on the drive there. “You’re gonna have so much fun today, you’re going to see your friends, do art projects” whatever the case may be. Then walk inside, set her items down, a quick hug and a kiss, I’ll see you later have a good day and out the door you go. She will cry for a minute the first few times but as an early childhood educator I promise it stops right away. Kids feed off your energy so if you’re feeling upset or nervous about her meltdowns it will only make it worse. I often tell parents to just try the quick drop off and then wait out of sight to see the reaction. Your daughters teachers care about her and will do their best to help her join in with what’s going on. You got this mama
Pray out loud together. Ask her to pray for what she wants. From those prayers you’ll find the answer.