My daughter went thru this stage. We let it be on her terms. She gained independence by “doing it herself” then I would offer help. And now she loves shower I also let her be in there for longer so she can play with her animals etc. She turned 4 in June. Also we have a cup for her hair which helped with rinsing it out.
Is there any chance she has SPD? My 8 year old is the same way.
Put goggles on her. That what I do with my kids. Also try getting in there with her
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Hand held shower… it will give her more control
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Try to make it fun! Maybe start a sticker chart/reward system for it. They have finger paints for tubs/showers and foam letters. Shaving cream, etc. Double up on the conditioner and Detangler and a wet brush is a MUST. Maybe cut her hair shorter if she’s open to the change🤷🏼♀️ Explain to her shower time and brushing may be easier, let her pick a length and style- haircuts can be a fun experience too!
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Maybe a metal tub or any kind of tub that she can sit and lay head back. I take showers when I have to but I honestly hate them. I hate water getting in my face, takes my breath away. I am 50+ years old.
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I used to be terrified of anything that sprayed water, she probably deals with that too. It wasn’t until I was 8 that I showered for the first time with my sister. So… it just might be on her time.
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Get a big tub you can put water in and let her play and bathe in it. Wash her hair in it.
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My kids are same way. I bought inflatable tub for toddlers and put inside shower they loved it.
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Wash her body in the shower. And wash her hair in the sink. Have her put a wet rag over her eyes.
Take a shower with her and hold her so that she feels secure.
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My now 14yo was like this and still to this day will not take a shower!! She will only go in the bath because the shower hurts her even on low soft settings!! If you don’t have a bath I think a portable 1 would be fine for now but maybe consider having 1 fitted for her needs as it may not change but good luck 
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I used to get in with her and have her imitate what I did. I also brought all kinds of her toys to play on the shower floor with, that helped tremendously.
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I would get a tote or inflatable tub of some kind and give her a bath. You don’t want to start a bad relationship with water.
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l Get paid over $109 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $15429 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
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I had my daughters hair cut short and told her she could decide how long it was when she could take care of it herself.
Caught her once in the shower with goggles on! 
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My 5 year old hate hair washing. I stopped doing it in the shower when she was 3 because of the fall outs worried she would hurt herself. So i started laying her on the bathroom vanity and washing it in the sink using a rinse cup. She seemed to relax as it keeps her still on her back and her head laying back in the sink. Now that she is 5 i lay her on the counter in the kitchen same as in the bathroom but she out grew the bathroom sink. It makes it so much simpler and my kitchen sink has a sprayer faucet so i am able to wash & rinse by pulling the sprayer out so no water gets in her face at all. But i also warn her days in advance that it’s going to be time to wash & do her hair. I offer her crayons and coloring books or give her a tablet to watch while she gets her hair done after washing. It works and though she still has a meltdown when I advise her of it, when the day comes she usually will be more relaxed. Good luck, it’s a task and you just have to find what works best for the both of you. I stand up when blowing and doing her hair so that i can move around her when she doesn’t sit completely still.
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I was terrified of the shower until I was probably about 10 years old. I had to bathe in the tub until one day I’m like “oh this isn’t so bad”… i don’t know how you feel about this idea. But… perhaps let her watch you take a shower, so she can see that it’s not so bad??
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I went through this with my twins were little what I did was buy one of those little pools and put it in the bottom of the shower on the shower let it fill up and then she can take a bath
Get a square hamper and fill it with water and she can feel like she is in tub
I got my daughter (four) to pick out her own cool haircut, got her to pick a temp color (at the time, she now has it died pink), and we cut it pixie as well.
My son is this same way with showers and washing his hair, I got him a pair of goggles that go over the nose too so he can go under the water
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Try making it a lil game , I’m not sure how to help very much maybe singing and playing. I hope it gets better and she feels better somehow. Prayers sent
I second the inflatable tub. Good luck mama!
I never really had this problem with my children almost from jump I played with them in the water we played in the rain and sprinklers etc. But both my children were both born in the spring so they were exposed to water very early. You could try buying one of those plastic storage containers take the lid off and use the container as a tub until you can get her used to a shower. But I would definitely encourage u guys playing in a sprinkler or at a splash pad etc to see if that’ll help her get over the fear. Good luck
We had the same problem and did stand up wash ups in the shower for a while using a baby bath bucket. I finally got her to do it even though she still didn’t want to with bribery of a toy. Lol. I said if she took 5 showers and didn’t freak out she’d get it. She has the toy and takes showers now. 
Gotta do what you gotta do.
Bring them outside and use the power washer😊
Don’t run water over her head. Use a wash cloth. If it’s causing major anxiety for her, I would give her sink baths or buy some type of basin to bathe her in. I’ve been going through this with my almost 3 year old and the wash cloth has been such a relief to him versus any water poured directly over his hair.
I got in with her and held her so she would feel better about the water. She said she didn’t like the water touching her face. She is now 5 almost 6 and as long as she can hold the shower head she’s good.
Get one of those little kiddy pools and put in the showe, fill it up then give her a bath.
Get a small inflatable pool and fill it up for her to bath in the shower with… they do make them that small… my mom accidentally ordered one thinking it was a big square pool for my girls and when it came in the mail it was literally 3 feet wide but it would be perfect for her to bath in and all you’d have to do is unplug and drain since your in the shower so it’d be easy clean up.
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I mean it may be unpopular opinion but I’ve given my daughter the “wash/brush it or cut it off” ultimatum.
She used to do the same thing. Flip out. I’d have her watch me wash my hair, we let her wash her dolls hair, and explained that if you don’t let mom and dad wash your hair AND brush it, we have to cut it off because it will get yucky. She is adamantly against cutting her hair and so it works for us. She may not love getting her hair done but she allows me to wash and brush it without a fight.
Also, I ALWAYS style her hair how she wants. She make the decision if she wants her hair down ,pony, braids, buns etc. Its her hair, it her decision. I doind a lot of times shed just be mad bc she didn’t want her done the way I was doing it so that helped a lot too. Just an occasional reminder that if we won’t take care of it we won’t have it. She was 3 when we started this and she’s 4 now.
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Really? Wouldn’t it be easier to some kind of washtub, sit it in the shower, fill it with water, and give her a bath? That’s what our mother did 60 years ago because all we had was a shower in the basement. I don’t understand these homes today that have no tubs. I always thought that was part of the deal.
Try bringing toys or something she likes to distract her
Take a breath.
A lot of kids hate it.
My youngest is 5 with SPD.
At…1 and 2 and 3…He freaked out exactly how you’re describing with bath time.
We had MANY suggest we cut his hair but he refused and I supported him.
First if this isn’t the only issues she has if you’ve noticed ANYTHING else…like sensitivity to noises or extreme food pickiness I would talk to her doctor and see about evaling for SPD and work with a occupational therapist.
Second…
They make no rinse shampoos. We used that combined with “tablet time” for washing and brushing for a little while.
Go slow on the brushing. Going over untangled spots gently can help them relax into the process.
We also used a visor to keep the water out of his eyes when we switched back to bath.
If she prefers a bath…do a bath. Just use a cup for the water.
Also wash before playing with toys
Does she have sensory issues?
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Try everything everyone has suggested, but if that doesn’t work just cut the hair. Life is too short to have so much emotional distress for the both of you so often. If she wants her hair back you can start practicing brushing her short hair and let her know you want to help her feel comfortable with brushing her hair because if she wants it long it will have to be brushed. Hopefully that will help but don’t feel bad if a haircut saves both your sanity. It’s just hair and it will grow back.
Also it’s too late now, but with our second to try to avoid the water fear we were getting her face and head wet from the get go. Just like teaching them to swim as infants.
I got in with my daughter and held her. I let the water run on her back and it calmed her so much she was almost asleep. From then on if she takes a shower she wants to be held for just a minute and is just fine.
We wash hair in the sink til older. I literally lay my 3.5 yr old on the counter and wash in the sink. She is mixed so we wash maybe 2x a month. If more it gets very dry.
My daughter has sensory processing issues and hates the bath tub and having her hair touched or washed. She just turned 3 use a foaming no rinse soap on her hair that’s what we had todo for awhile till she would let us wash her hair normally this took months. It a long process.
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Get a shower head that you can take down and she holds it.
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My son does the same in the bathtub, we can’t even suggest showers without him screaming. He has a sensory disorder and is on the spectrum.
I used a little blow up pool in the bottom of my shower when my daughter was little to give her a bath in
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Give her a bath in the kitchen sink
Get an inflatable tub that you can put inside the shower. And give her a dry wash rag that she can have to cover her own eyes while you rinse her hair. Or if she hates the shower head just fill a cup and rinse that way
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Maybe try getting in with her, so you can hold her while you bathe her. Instead of spraying her with the shower head, try a soft cup (the water isn’t so forceful or loud) to rinse.
My aunt only has a shower. So she would us one the plastic totes and put it inside the shower and fill it up to her desired amount then put the little ones in it to bath.
If you have the counter space try lying her down and washing her hair in the sink, she can play with a toy or device while you shampoo
Buy a tote that fits in the bottom of your shower and fill it up as a tub for her. Or a small inflatable pool. As for her hair, both my kids had hair down to their butts before we got their first haircuts. The only thing I found that worked was Aussie conditioning spray. Not the detangler. And then a wide brush that is specifically for wet hair. Start at the bottom and work your way up her head. I braid my kids hair to keep it tamed while they sleep so it’s not a nightmare getting ready for school. They both have very thick hair too, and this works wonders for us!! Hope this helps!
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Wash her up in the sink
My son has done this since his first bath in the hospital my husband will put his swimsuit on and try to sit with him in the tub and he still screams we have tried toys paint crayons and everything under the sun im getting ready to talk to his dr
Put a plastic tote in the shower with water and let her sit in it.
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Try this it works for my almost 4 year old
Buy a tote. A regular plastic tote and fill it with water in the shower, then turn the shower off. She now has a bathtub.
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Let her sit down and take the shower head down and put it on low and let her control the water that’s what I let my girl do she’s 4
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My son has sensory disorder so l use a wash cloth to wet his hair than use a cup with water to rinse and give him a wash cloth so he can help wipe his eyes, he doesn’t like the shower so get a bucket with water while your little one sits and plays with a toy good luck momma
My son would cry in the shower because he had fluid in his ears. The water would also get in and cause him pain. He eventually had tubes put in his ears.
I got my daughter a shower visor that keeps the water out of her eyes and her ears. She calmed down quite a bit after that but still doesn’t care for the shower head.
What about something like this? It will keep the soap n water off her face. Also I would do a tote. Easy peasy!
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Fill a plastic tub to make a bath for her and use a face guard or swimming goggles when washing her hair. It’s not unusual at that age . Maybe leave the shower running while she’s in there but don’t use it…just to get her used to the noise
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I’ve read that an inflatable swimming pools. works great in showers
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Get a big tub and put in shower and let her take bath
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I actually DID cut my daughter’s hair. She wouldn’t let me way or brush it so off it went. Was better for her really, especially in summer because she sweats like crazy
My daughter was the same way, but as shes gotten closer to turning 4 she’s calmed down about it. I learned that rolling a washcloth to cover only her eyes and letting her hold it helps. Keeps the soap/water out, Keeps their eyes closed, and helps them feel a little in control. And they can have their head down doing that because for some reason toddlers hate holding their head back 
Get a small blow up pool,and put it in the shower.my kids didn’t like water in their face so I would lay them down to rinse their hair
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Stick a big plastic tub in there and fill it up for her
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I would shower with her
My 3 year old hates showers too. We have a bath tub now, but when we didn’t we bought a paddling pool and put it in the shower and filled it up so it was a make-shift bath tub. It worked a treat 
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Have you tried taking a shower with her and holding her. Or you said you have a removable shower head, why can’t she sit on the shower floor and you use the shower head. If that doesn’t work I would get a inflatable tub and a bicycle pump. Sit it on the shower floor.
Get something like this, this is what I had to do since we only have showers.
SAMMART 36L (9.5 Gallon) Collapsible 3 Handled Plastic Laundry Basket-Foldable Pop Up Storage Container-Portable Washing Tub-Space Saving Basket/Water Capacity 27L/7.1 Gallon (1, Bright Blue) https://a.co/d/gVJGzTw
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I would get in with her and hold her close to you. I took showers with both my boys for years. Maybe diffuse some lavender in the bathroom too and let her play in the shower with toys before you turn the water on so she is more relaxed.
Get an inflatable pool/tub for the shower
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I have always had better luck with a bath, I only nanny but have assisted with hundreds of bath days, I let the kid(s) know whats going on (some kiddos do better with step by step) and I ask them to look at the ceiling while I wash they’re hair and rinse it! (It keeps the water out of their eyes and face which Sometimes helps ) With in a month or so of bath times the kid(s) start opening up to learning to do it themselves. During the days I still wash their hair I give them a washcloth to wash their body, if they are really having difficulty warming up, the next thing I have them do is learn to wet their hair themselves, and then applying soap. Due to the kiddo’s ages I usually monitor bath times and offer assistance when needed. I hope this helps! My little cousin had a really difficult time with bath time and hair cuts both, I was able to get him comfortable with both. If getting into the bath seems difficult , if you are able to, maybe make it seem like a spa day. Even with good bath days we sometimes still had difficult ones, I would set up a spa, mostly dollar tree items but make a whole show out of it and the kids really enjoyed it!
Have you tried a nonslip mat? They sell soft ones in fun colors. You can also get her bath time crayons so she can draw on the walls and floor to make it fun. You. Can also sit inside (bathing suit if you don’t want to be nude)with her and draw. Then gently start the water on her feet and some drawings and bring it up. The key is distraction and gradual introduction
You need to use a shower with a portable head so she can hold the showerhead and see that it’s not going to hurt her she can direct the spray while you wash her. When my kids were little I would fold up a washrag so they could hold it over their eyes while I gave them a shower
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Many fun ways to encourage her, blow up bath lots of bubbles… just so much fun stuff out there… I even want some😁
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Cutting her hair seems extreme and you will still have to wash it. Get a collapsible tub or something and talk to her doctor.
SHE’S 2 let her take a bath and play first then wash her hair
If it’s just a hair day wrap her in a big towel, like a beach towel, and lay her on the kitchen counter with her head over the sink. My son thought it was the funnest thing in the world to get his hair washed this way. No water accidentally getting in his face, he did not have to get undressed or into water. For shower days since the shower head is removable play “quick rinse” have her stand and just quickly get her body wet then turn the water off. Soap up a wash cloth and have her wash herself. 3 year Olds are very independent. Also a good time to teach her her body parts. Tell her, wash your neck, shoulders, left arm, right arm, don’t forget armpits, ect. Keep a happy and playful tone. Then quick rinse! Turn water back on. And she can slowly turn while you rinse her off. Then All Done!
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You need a shower mat on the bottom of that shower before you both end up falling. get a wash tub add water and give her a bath in a wash tub . it’s how we took a bath when we where kids.
Get her a shampoo hat for children. Make bathing fun for her. There are bathtub safe crayons too.
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Get in with her
Use a clothes basket with holes and sit her in there so she can’t fall it slip she will feel more secure
My son was terrified of the detachable shower
They used to have shower crayons. I had one kid that was like that. Gave them the shower crayons and let them draw while rising hair. Wipe off with the wash cloth at the end of the shower.
Get a large plastic container & fill it up in the shower & put her in it like a bath
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The wading pool is a great idea, if you have the room. If not, try using one of the large underbed totes. They’re large enough to accomodate a 3 year old, yet not so deep that it’s hard to use.
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Wash her hair in the sink!
So with my oldest (she’s 9 now and does her own hair no problem) I tried the visors they didn’t really help much. But I used to put goggles on her when we washed her hair. For my middle child, she’s 2, I sit down at the bottom of the shower with her, water pointed away from us, and lay her in my lap, and use a cup to rinse her hair. And always have a dry cloth right there in case any water splashes. My youngest is one and he doesn’t seem to have a problem with the water yet. It will get easier. You just need to stay calm and not get stressed out too, cause she will feed off your energy as well.
Put a plastic storage bin in the tub and let her take a shower bath, also goggles worked when my kids were younger
Pretend it’s rain. Have her wear rain boots and hold an umbrella. Kinda alot to work around with I know, but if she might think it’s fun it could calm her down until she gets comfortable and showers become normal for her. 
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Shower with her a few times get her comfortable
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Toddler are to young for showers
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Mine was five and still .freeking out. Put him in swimming lessons.
My daughter was the same way for a little bit, it was just a phase… That lasted a few months. Try to make it fun for her, get some character wash clothes, or “fun” soap. Bring in some toys, sing a bath time song. My daughter slowly stopped throwing tantrums. Maybe walk her through some steps before bath time, talk about having to take a bath throughout the day and before you go in say, okay we’re taking a bath and then after we can watch your favorite show or something. Make the transition to and from bath time fun and exciting
I always showered with my son and it worked great . But he didn’t like new showers like when we went to my brothers or my dads house he would freak out about unfamiliar showers .
Omg my oldest was the same way I would get in with him dressed in our bathing suits with a hat on our heads to show him it was ok. Very slowly we worked with him on this good luck its hard
Get a shower head with two heads and the kind that is hand held and an extra suction cup mount post kid height and use the gentle rain setting.
My kiddo is spectrum and this helps immensely we also take hair breaks and I wash from the bottom of her hair up and use the handheld to spray out her hair so her face doesn’t get wet.
Edit: get A wet brand brush and brush her hair from the bottom up while it has conditioner in it and still wet let the hair air dry and pony tail it. In the morning use a detangle spray like Aussie hair insurance and the wet brush start at the bottom work
Up.
If you can get a small tote (big enough for her to fit in) from the dollar store just put it in the shower and fill it up. It’d be a make shift bathtub
Bath bombs to make it fun 
Get an 18 gal tote, fill with warm water and bubbles. Try showers again when the box is too small.
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