I’ve finally taken a massive step in my life and have removed myself from the unhealthy, toxic situation that is my biological family. I was adopted and made a choice to move across the country to work for my biological family in their family-owned store to have a relationship with them and my twins to have a relationship with them. But, it has been a nightmare for the last six years. My feelings are always dismissed, but my biological brother can never do wrong. I was overworked and severely underpaid compared to my brother. My twins would never see them unless I brought them to the shop and it was a hassle for me even to get a day off to spend with my twins without being shamed for even asking for the time, but my brother takes trips all the time because he has no kids and is still young. He is in college and looking into leaving the family business, and my family is so supportive, but I took a much higher paying job that I really enjoy, and I am told over and over again that I am being selfish and making a huge mistake. I don’t hear from them anymore, but I have had awful dreams where I’m fighting to be happy, and they’re telling me I’m making a huge mistake, and what I had was the best I’ll ever get. How does one deal with feeling bad for cutting ties with family when they’re toxic? My feelings are all over the place because I want to have the family I never had, but I don’t want to be stuck in a job I hate with a family who treats me like dirt…
You were put out for adoption, where is that family, they took you in, raised you, and I presume gave you love and comfort, your biological family are users, they did not want you in the first place, and now you are of the age to support yourself, you are their slave, cut the tie, look after your twins, if the adoptive family are still around try and be part of that family, if for whatever reason that is not possible, make your own family with your twins, you do not need to be surrounded by “Family members”, in many towns or villages the community helps and serves as “family”, be strong for yourself and your twins, home is where you make it, where your heart will be with your children, in peace and a loving family,
I think you answered your own question.
Stop thinking about it you did the right thing. Get on with having a spectacular life with your children and the people who DO VALUE YOU!!!
You came there looking for family and I think you can clearly see your not going to get it from them. My advice cut the ties it hurts but it feels better emotionally in time and not only that it keeps your children from seeing and feeling those toxic behaviors. I’d focus on my babies and move forward thats all you really need. Your children will love you unconditionally always thats the best support you will ever have or need.
Girl same! I feel this in my soul. I’m following for some advice of my own.
You being adopted was the blessing in disguise. Make your own family, raise your children the way you should have been raised. Let this make you better.
I think you just need someone to tell you you made the right decision so listen carefully, YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!!! you have one life and you need to live your best life for you and your kids. Walk away from these toxic bunch of people without a thought or backward glance and go live your best life xx
It is okay to cut off toxic family. I still think about mine, but I know I am better without them.
Idk how long ago u did this this but I think hasnt been a long time? Those feelings will pass… Who can say when… Keep sharing… get helo if u cant seem to move on… In my thinking its a little complex why u feel way u do… but its understandable for sure… hang in there girl.,
This family adopted you out for whatever reasons, dont feel guilty. These are not your people hun.
Cut the cord!! You don’t need them in your life! #walkaway
I have read all the comments they are all right.i know u want a family so bad u will put up with their bullshit just to have it . stop it u have your own family.good luck and God bless.
Create the family u have always wanted with ur kids. Ur bio family r the ones who made a huge mistake. U aren’t missing out, they r. U do not need the affirmation of others to be happy, not even family. DNA does not make u family
Accept it all. You took responsibility for your role and got out of the situation. Now learn from it and soar.
A simple question to ask yourself is, “Do you want to have your twins feel this way when they grow up?” Your family won’t change. It won’t get better. You and your kids deserve better. Keep them from that. You’re being a great mom by showing them how to set boundaries.
We had to do it with several family members on both sides. Toxic is toxic!!! I have never felt bad. My marriage & the health of my family and 3 kids are more important. They come first!!! NO GUILT!!!
Sometimes I feel guilty for cutting out my mother, but toxic is toxic. I just remind myself this is the same woman who missed a graduation to take a trip overseas, the same woman who never supported me or came to a sporting event, band concert, choral concert bc it didn’t interest her. The same woman who tried to sue me for money bc she thinks I make a bunch of it. The same woman who blames everyone else for her problems and has never looked out for anyone but herself. The list goes on and on, but that’s what I have to do. I have to remind myself of all the reasons I cut her out in the first place.
stand up for yourself to them to their faces!!! sounds like you’re an “easy target” for them…maybe without them even really realizing it…not sure but thinking that u don’t speak up for yourself… i feel like once they realize that they just can’t keep taking jabs at u without u “defending” yourself that they will think twice about it
It’s ok to allow your self to look out for you and your family, your only responsibilities is for yourself and your children, your not going to be able to keep everyone happy, what about your adoptive family are they there for you?
Life is very short I say do what makes you happy but please make sure your doing it for the right reasons. I would speak to a church counselor because it’s better to know the whole story not just yours. I never like to give advice unless I know the whole story. You haven’t healed from what hurt you because you keep running from the pain . Sometimes you have to sit down and talk with someone who can help you get to the root of the problem, because all I’m reading is your very jealous of your brother . How your parents treat him is on them. Your taking your anger out on other people. The saying goes if you don’t heal old wounds you will bleed on everyone.
Did you not have a good adoptive family? I find it hard to understand why you would have looked for your biological family. But you did, and found out they were not good people to be close to. Lots of people have no living family and make out just fine. Celebrate yourself that you are strong enough to create a good life on your own, and then MAKE IT SO.
I wouldn’t feel bad one bit! You have to do what’s right for you and your twins!
Toxic is TOXIC… These people are not your family, they’re simply related to you.
I think you need to mourn the loss. The loss of your bio family isn’t really substantial, but you need to mourn the loss of the family you wish you had. They will likely never be that family, so you need to take the time to come to terms with that and deal with how that loss effects you and your kids.
that is sad, i was a orphan myself. Praying for you…God lift you up! Amen.
They gave you up for a reason 🤷
It gets easier as time goes by and you get stronger
You don’t have to be a part of a family that was a family without you (and your kids). Why were you NOT in that family before you moved to be with the adopted family?
You were adopted and I assume you were happy with them. Go home and don’t feel you owe your biological family any reason to be near that family just because they ARE your biological family if they are not happy to have you come “home”.
Why has it taken 6 years to know that it was a mistake if it has turned out to be a nightmare? Your kids shouldn’t have to be exposed to toxic relatives or to learn how to survive in toxic relationships if your other option is to return to a place of love, peace and happiness;and hope they can recognize the difference.
I hope you can work it out but guilt is a waste of emotional effort and time. If the only way you can be happy is to know you tried and it hurt more than it caused happiness, Just don’t spend your life feeling only regret, guilt and, most of all blame.
Love those that love and respect you
I cut off most of my biological family. After our parents died they seemed to want to control my life and even sent the police to our house once. When they did that I realized that the family in my mind was not the family I had in reality. There were six of us children and I now speak to only one. When it starts hurting I remember that the family I wanted only existed in my mind
Don’t overthink things. You made contact, spent time with them, even helping with the family business, found something better for yourself both financially and emotionally, and pursued your life. If you send them Christmas cards, birthday cards, and rang once every couple of months, you’re not cutting yourself off, just living YOUR life. If they don’t contact you, that’s their choice.
Just because they’re blood doesn’t mean they’re good for you. Get away from them.
God Bless you and your family 
for you and your family
You can have the family you never had if they’re not biological and you deserve to be treated better then dirt and you were already removed from your biological family when you were given up for adoption that my friend right a removal from god he knew you were gonna be better off with people that’ll take care of you so stay away it’s a gift in your favor and your biological family will have to let alone deal with the toxicity of y’all relationship I wish you and your twins well my friend and good luck I hope for the best for y’all
You didn’t say what happened with the adoptive family but sure agree with NancyTillerson,above. Make a happy home for your kids, you and them don’t need this people.
You Go Girl break the tie be happy you don’t need toxic people in your life Hold your head up and keep moving forward with positive people in your life
just stay away and do the best you can
Why are you wasting everyone’s time with this? You obviously know what to do and just want validation for it. Grow up and go home.
I never have felt bad for keeping toxic people out of my life. You have to have boundaries and let people know behavior you won’t accept. You need to make yourself the 1st priority and do what’s best for you and your twins, not accommodate everyone else.
You’re doing the right thing. You mentioned you want the family you never had? Girl trust me you do not want this family. They are very manipulative and sounds as though they only want a slave to do their work and don’t appreciate you what so ever. Move forward do not feel guilty because I guarantee you they don’t feel guilty. The only thing They miss is you working
You have a family within your children…you was fine before…you will be fine now. Toxic people and family deserves no place in your space. Always protect your peace. Keep moving, keep pushing, and take care if those babies. They need you…not your so called family. Never ever let someone make you feel bad for wanting better 🤷😘
It takes time, I had to cut my sister and her adult children out of my and my kids lives . That was 3 years ago .does it suck sometimes not having my only sibling to talk to yes am I better off with them out of my life absolutely .
Worry about yourself and kids that’s what matters you can’t make everyone happy as long as you are happy that’s all that matters negative people don’t want you to be happy or see you succeed so just leave them alone completely
You’ll always feel a little off about it I think, but over time you’ll realize more and more how much better things are without them. Give it time. And spend as much time with your twins as possible. Don’t repeat the cycle.
You’ll always have those what ifs? I cut my dad out 14 years ago. I ended up writing a very emotional letter about everything I felt, what I wished our relationship had been like, etc. I never sent it and still have it to this day. It was very therapeutic and after I had gotten all my feeling down on paper it was like a weight lifted and I was able to move on. After having my boy, I got really nostalgic and am taking my time and writing another letter. Bubs will be a year soon and I believe I will be sending both letters around that time.
Way to go girl take care of your
Self
Leave them alone ,and stop worrying about it just be you
Do what is best for you. You owe that to your kids. Break the cycle.
You must love yourself first. You have children that you are setting an example to draw from. Teach them to love themselves enough to walk away from things, situations and people that are not good for them. Both you and them deserve to be happy.
I am really curious to know why you were adopted out. I’m a adoptive momma. I’ve always let the mom come around if she wanted to. I hope I’m doing the right thing for her. Is your adoptive parents in your children’s life actively?
what made you want them if they gave you up in the first place? no matter. you’ll be lucky if they stay away and you heal quickly. if they come back and you still deal with them, it will take longer to heal. family is who you pick anyway, people who care for you and you share the same values. find you some family!
You and your children’s welfare, mental and physical come first. You were a paid employee of their company and should have received fair treatment. Do not feel bad for looking for a better job that that allows you to spend more time with your family. If your brother had so much more free time he could have spent it with your twins.
Honestly it takes time and sometimes therapy to deal with. My biological father messed me up badly. I’m still dealing with some 30 years later. I cut him off 8 years ago and have made strides in healing. You need to do what is best for you and not let toxic family guilt you with its family argument
I’m sorry that’s happening to you. It is normal for you to want a relationship with them, ni matter how wrong they do you because at the end of the day you want to make up for the lost time and have connection to your blood. Is your adoptive family still in your life? What does that relationship look like? I’m sorry you are going through that. It sounds like you are unfortunately better off with out your bio family, but at least you can say you tried.
I can only give advice on what I’ve been through personally so…
Tried letting my bio mother back into my life after I found out I was pregnant and for the first 18 months of my daughters life. It didn’t work as I had hoped. Kept feeling I wasn’t good enough nor wanted; she wanted a fresh start with my kid. Que nightmare of horrible things she let happen to me happening to my daughter… yeah cut her from my life. Had to listen to “you’re using that little girl like a sword to hurt me” blah blah blah. Cried for a few days, got mad about it swore I’d never talk to her again. (Told Nana ((her mom)) I’d go to therapy with her ((total lie)) to “figure out” why I hated her) Now all I feel for her is apathy. She birth me but that’s all she ever did for me.
You have to break it down to basics. What did you get out of the relationship with your bio family that you weren’t getting with your family. Everyone wants to be wanted by those who brought them into the world but is it genuinely worth it?
Run and get some counselling. They sound very controlling and abusive. Your like the Cinderella in the tale, not good enough and given away, then to use and abuse you for their shop. Get some counselling they are assholes. And you deserve so much better. Be a great strong role model to your loved ones. You have plenty of family and friends that are real and not just biological.
Do u still talk to adoptive parents? Id completely cut bio ones out n focus on the ones who raised you…if there still in your life and was good to you while raising you they are the ones who truly love you and want you in there lives. Idk if thats really any good advice but thats the best i can give. I cut my husband’s gma out a tear ago and even tho i feel bad about cutting her out n keepind from my kids i always tell myself its better this way cause how i was treated when i was around her and at family events. She was toxic and i was always to blame for the issues that i never caused
I had to do it recently I left my mom in the situation but I’m 7 months and I have a three year old and my son was scared of the bastard since I got him out he’s changed
Forget them. They will never give you the love you’ve been needing to fill; start to fill that void with things that you love and begin learning to give yourself the love that you wish had been given from them by being that person to yourself and to your kids; (i.e.; support, communication, patience and understanding). Also try building your own family, they don’t have to be blood related to be people you platonically love; you may already have a few favourite and important people in your life that you consider a good/best friend. Best wishes.
Go back to being yourself before you met them. You obviously have a family who loves you enough that they adopted you. That is your family! You obviously arent good enough and never have been to the ones who let you go in the first place. And for you to put up with their crap just because you wanted to finally be loved and accepted by them is no way at all how you should be treated. They treat you like that because you are the blacksheep of the family, you were nothing to them then and nothing really to them now. Sorry to sound so harsh but think about it. You dont need them, you never did, you have your family, a family that never left you, a family who loved and raised you. I dont know your situation with your adoptive family, but sounds like maybe something might have happened along the road for you to actually look for your bio family. Sometimes if things are going well on both sides of the path, then you need to make a middle path (straight) through. Take your twins and work that better paying job, and get up on your own feet without either side if its bad. Be strong for your kids. After all atleast you are a good mom who kept them and you obviously love them enough to live for them. They are all you need. Im by myself with my 5 daughters. And we do just fine. I dont speak much to my mother because she is toxic. I am a single parent but I do well all these years by myself. If I can do it so can you. Best of luck to you.
I removed my sister from my life she was toxic. I have no guilt @ all.
We often look for what will never be there. You have your own family, your kids. It’s hard but you can create for them what you wanted for your life. It’s ok to be happy on your own.
Actually going threw this now. I havent talked to part of my family for six months because of some things that had happened. We lived by them for a bit over 3 years and yes is wasnt very good. Treating us like kids and like they owed the trailer we bought and paid to have moved there. To more serious shit to where i feel like i dont know them or never really knew them. Sometimes i find myself feeling like my judgement may have been wrong. But i also feel like if it is there should be better effort on their part and or a sign of some sort. No its been six months since talking to them and i pray i made the right choice and can ease the hurt.
It can be really hard. But there is some cycles that need broke in every family i think.
I have kids to think about before my feelings or anybody elses. So do what you know is best for them. Even if you have a feeling of doubt. Doesnt mean your wrong.
It’s all about boundaries. Toxic people won’t respect them, so it’s on us to enforce them. I’m sure you would never want your kids to allow someone to mistreat them, so you should feel proud for cutting them off. When I really struggle with a decision like that, I ask myself what advice I’d give my child if they were in my position. Congratulations on the new job!
Toxic is toxic. Thats all. You need to just leave them be. You dont have to explain anything to anyone. I just cut off my bfs mother and her husband. I dont feel bad and life has been so much easier. I know its hard. But u n those babies come first and formost! You got this
Please seek counseling. There’s no shame in talking to a professional.
Get some counseling, you will always ask yourself what if. But know it’s for your kids.
I cut ties with a few people in my family cause it was causing so much internal chaos that it was affecting every aspect of my life… dont get me wrong I love and miss them but I let it slide for years and just couldnt anymore for my own sanity… I’d have terrible dreams as well… but as soon as I made the conscious decision “I’m done” I had a dream of me finally standing up to them and getting my power back… I’ve felt like bricks were lifted off my chest… it still hurts… and occasionally I’ll have random dreams of them but it’s nothing compared to the terrible mental trauma I had before I made the decision.
Pray & talk to GOD… ask for healing & peace… it will get better with time… you have to put yourself & your children first…you gave it your best shot… they do not value & respect you… something is WRONG WITH THEM… you did the right thing…
I’ve finally just cut off both my mother & father, they aren’t apart of my children’s lives because of that toxicity. Yes having a “family” is important, but it’s not worth being put through all that. Your children deserve better, if they won’t change your best bet is to leave and cut all ties
All I can say is you must rise up for your children. Break that chain of toxicity before it effects them too. You know what your heart is telling you.
Sometimes it’s healthier to stay away you tried let them come for you now … This so called bio family sounds dark and cold
If you have to work at a certain place just to have a relationship with your family that’s fucked up to begin with you should be able to have a relationship with them and work wherever you want to and still have your own life if the issue is distance you’re too far away from them and you were living with them and working with them in order to be closer to them then try finding housing in that area and a job that’s in that area you can go for a visit still and have your space. If they are insulting you and there is absolutely no reason for it then it’s time to go your separate way
Go get you a good bottle of wine put your favorite music list on and sip to a 2020 piece of mind away from toxic energy
It’s a process.
But the first step is that you are acknowledging that it’s a toxic environment.
I don’t have a relationship with an aunt and one of my sisters because of crappy things they have done.
While I don’t regret stepping back, I do miss my relationship with my sister (it was good before her current relationship). But the fact of the matter is she isn’t going to change, so I remind myself that I have no need to be putting up with disrespect and disregard for my well-being as well as my other siblings’ and my Dad’s.
So ask yourself the same question.
Also ask yourself if your twins deserve that kind of “love.”
You need to do what is best for yourself and your children. Life is too short to be miserable…
I had to cut my Mother out of my life for being a constant toxic cloud hanging over me since literally as long as my oldest memories and it was still hard for me. It’s so incredibly good though! I’ve been able to be a better mom and wife because I’m not constantly afraid of her flipping out on me because she doesn’t like something…I’m 30 years old and live in a house with only my husband and daughter so she has no room to say anything about my life. Especially since she’s never been sober a day in my life. I’m still dealing with the drama because I did this just last year but it’s been so worth it and I’m already much happier.
Stay away. Over time you will forget they ever existed.
Toxic is toxic, regardless of relationship. It’s ok to value yourself and your worth. It’s ok to show your kids a positive and healthy life. Leave the ball in their court and if they reach out ok and if not don’t chase them. You can’t force a relationship.
You will have guilt but at the end. You will feel way relieve. My oldest sister was so toxic to us after my dad passed away. She used my mom for all my dad life insurance money. And then when my mom passed away throughout the year she had my mom change her beneficiary to her name. I dont like talking about her nor mention her name or see her. She has done so much damage to my mom when my dad passed away and now my mom gone. I cut her lose. Idc. My little sisters they still talk to her because they felt bad. Sorry but not me.
Take care of you and your kids! Get on without the bio family
Pray for guidance and direction
I promise it’ll get way easier a lot faster then you think!! Once you start to realize how much better your life is without all that toxicity! I kept going back to my bio mom because I felt bad because she was my mom… haven’t spoken to her in over 4 years and it’s been the happiest 4 years of my life with out all her selfish BS!!!
Might be hard to hear but they’re not your family they adopted you out. Sounds to me that they’re extremely toxic and you would be better off making your own decisions and leading your own life and being happy for yourself. Make decisions for you. when they adopted you out they didn’t ask for your opinion.
I would pray for wisdom to make this decision to lead you to your own happiness.