My fiancé and I have been having problems with intimacy for several months. Like it hardly ever happens because he says he doesn’t feel good or isn’t in the mood. This was very different from the rest of our relationship because we used to do it allllll the time. I felt like something was going on so I looked through his phone. I honestly didn’t find anything to suggest he’s cheating but I did find videos he made of himself with other girls from before me. This really bothered me because I obviously don’t want to see him with other people but I had asked him to make videos of us several times and he never would. He knows I saw them and he deleted them and said he didn’t even realize they were still on his phone. He promised that he’s going to try harder when it comes to our sex life because he knows my drive is higher than his. So I feel like something good came out of all of this. But my question is, will I ever forget about the things I saw? I feel like those videos are burned into the backs of my eyelids. It makes me sick to stomach. The girls were younger than me (in their 20s) and all had perfect bodies and he was definitely enjoying himself. I’m older and have a very different body from having children and eating too many tacos. I know it’s my fault for looking but that’s not what I was expecting to see and now every time I look at him or close my eyes, that’s all that I see.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get over what I saw on my Fiances phone?r
Are you 100% sure those videos were before you and he didn’t go back to those girls?
I’m sorry to say but you will never get over it, and whose to say he isn’t watching them and jerking off to them and that’s why he don’t wanna have sex
Its not your fault about your body… sometimes after we have kids we lose ourselves and we forget about our weight and stuff cause we are taking care of the kids and the home… always look at your body and be happy you pushed a human out of there… try asking him is it cause how you look at see what he says…
Stop snooping and have honest straight conversation.
U have to be secure with yourself. He deleted them. U really shouldnt have looked. Does not sound like there is any trust from you. And tacos are good.
I’m not sure how you expected this to turn out but maybe get therapy. You might be using sex as a love language .
You want someone with no past date a 12 year old. But seriously, if you don’t want him throw him back. He is with you because he wants to be. He saw you. He knows what you look like. So let it go. Or let him go.
Counseling for you to improve your self esteem, learn to forget about/reframe/overcome he videos.
You shouldn’t have even looked in his phone ,And he deleted them for you. Why not just try some simple things that are new… Not the same old same old.
These comments are annoying lmao. No reason a dude should have past sex videos on his phone of exes. He “deleted” them bc he got caught. So all of you have never felt insecure at one point or another? She’s obv struggling being an ass isn’t helping. And “having a straight conversation” is hard when the other person is obviously lying.
He knew full well they were still there. I’d be packing his bags. He’s clearly upto something or not being honest if you used to at it all the time.
How long has he had that phone? He doesn’t realize he still has those videos on there ? Hmmmm that sounds fishy to me!
It honestly seems like he loves you but isn’t turned on by you anymore. You are the first to admit that you let yourself go. You stopped loving yourself and sent out the “I’m not sexy anymore” vibe and he felt it.
If you are unhappy with your body then fix it if that doesn’t work then at least you’ll look good when you find a different guy!
I found my partners sneaky links on different emails he created and chats he was having through the app hangouts. There were over 20 different women he was talking to . I say look again and make sure .
These people are wild, he shouldn’t have had the videos, you can snoop if you want. He’s asked you to marry him so that mean he wants one life with you. Obviously he knew those were on his phone… he just didn’t want to take responsibility for being disrespectful to you.
Honestly too many red flags for me to marry the man because divorce is tricky. But the trust would definitely be partially gone for me for good. Would you have something like that hidden from him? If your answer is no… why? That answer is what he lacks because he sure did have them hidden on his.
There’s nothing wrong with Going through your partner shit when you have reason, if anyone gets offended it’s because they’ve hidden shit too. You shouldn’t hide anything in a relationship.
Eating to many
Girl I feel you… but let it go, it happend before yall…
Therapy and if they was old videos who the hell cares you are the one who was looking through his phone it’s not his fault you found them it’s yours. They do have time stamp on when they was took so you could have checked that to make sure they was old videos. Maybe why his sex drive isn’t like it is could be due to low testosterone levels
Couples counseling. And he needs to see a doctor. If he isn’t out there with someone else then he needs to see a doctor bc if he’s younger he shouldn’t be losing his drive till his late 30’s early 40’s. Maybe he’s depressed or something else is going on for him to not be feeling good enough to be intimate with you.
Some of y’all jump to leaving way too fast. You need to talk to him and maybe consider a sex therapist. I can believe he had forgotten those were on his phone only because I don’t delete picture too often, I have some old OLD things on my phone.
Try addressing your insecurities, control and codependency issues woth your individual therapist. It isnt this guys job to fix you
Everyone has a past. It’s a part of life. You have one too. You have to love yourself. You would look into why you have there insecurities. Is he really never having sex with you or just not as often you want. He may get annoyed and turned off with how often you’re trying. It could be a turn off for him. Sit and have the real conversation.
Leave him & go have a taco tacos don’t cheat & make you feel like crap
He chose you. He must like how you look… don’t compare yourself. This could be something as simple as low testosterone levels or another medical issue. He had no problem deleting the videos so good chance he didn’t care to watch them. That was a time before you so don’t dwell on it. Try talking to him to see if he’s happy or if something is going on. Maybe counseling if needed but definitely have Dr check his testosterone. Best of luck
You get what you get for snooping lady. Either step up your game and get back in shape or get over it, enjoy your tacos, and move on because dwelling on it isn’t helping. It’s your life. Take it back.
This relationship is doomed. I know l sound very pessimistic but l dont think you’ll be able to get past this, specially because you two are not compatible on an intimacy level.
He’s with you. He loves you. He came with some experience, and you probably wouldn’t have wanted him if he hadn’t.
This relationships never going to work You’re way too insecure. You should have never went through his phone. Some people just don’t have high sex drives. Doesn’t mean that they’re cheating on you doesn’t mean anything if you can’t handle it and go be with someone else because honestly I’ve been on his end of the spectrum and it’s not much fun having someone harp on you all the time. Then instead you’re going to end up getting Pity sex and it will be more Forced than anything. You need to feel secure with whoever you’re with and you’re not with this guy. Should have never went through his phone. There’s no reason to do something like that except for you thought he was cheating on you. Super sad
Not sticking up for either side but now a days with these smartphones if u change phones and have any saved or backed up accounts ( icloud, gmail etc ) they do automatically come back remember with this u can either have a factory phone start with all new information or u can use ur old account where everything with upload for whatevers been saved
First off we need to start with you your insecure hence why you looked your also insecure about how you look the saying true if we look good we feel good I’d start working on you and before I get any hate I don’t for 1 minute mean do this for him I mean do this for you the seciest thing you can wear is Confidence xxx
You need some help working on your insecurities. He obviously finds you attractive or he wouldn’t be with you. People have a past and there’s nothing wrong with that. You shouldn’t have been looking g through his stuff tbh.
It happened before you guys. It’s like thinking of your partner with their exes. You know they’ve done it, but you just don’t think about it bc gross. You just happened to get a more vivid picture of your partner with his exes. You just don’t think about it.
Nope it’ll be in your head forever sorry to say
In response to his sex drive decreasing- it happens as men age. He may need to have his testosterone levels checked.
You know in your heart
What you want to do
But I suggest you do it sooner
You can always break an engagement
Hold off on buying a wedding dress
And possibly get you deposit back
From the venders
Then filing for divorce, going through
Court for child support and deviding of property and assets
It’ll be like that for a while and then it won’t be in your head as much but it will always be there and it’s gonna pop in every once in a while. I was super pregnant and my husband took a horrible photo of me and and wouldn’t delete it so I was like okay bet he falls asleep first so I went to delete it and to my horror it was of many shitty pictures of me so I started deleting then I found a really cute picture of us sent it to myself and go well what else don’t I have that’s cute so I kept going then I was like well I made it this far what other pictures did he have mind you id been through all this before but he had just gotten a new phone so there were pictures I hadn’t seen and didn’t realize that it brought in pictures from his cloud or whatever it is but I stumbled across videos of him with others and my dumb self watched it and honestly got up throwing and crying my eyes out nothing was wrong between us the intimate life was fine like I said I just kept going and he didn’t even know it was back on there he woke up from hearing me in the bathroom and saw his phone and saw what I had seen he came in the swearing those had been deleted he had no idea how and I was like it has to be from getting a new phone and sure enough a few days later when I got a new phone pictures I had deleted were back on my phone. It’s been 3 years since then and things for me have gotten better but every once in a while it pops in my head and hurts all over again and my poor husband hates himself for not going through and checking again but he didn’t think that was coming up and feels bad that I saw it and knows it still bothers me I try to make jokes here and there about it and it helps sometime but yeah it’s hard to get through
He deleted the videos when you confronted him about them so he clearly doesn’t care about them. If he did, he would have made excuses and refused to delete them. Like you said, you have different sex drives. His is lower than yours and sometimes you just need to respect that and have an open, non judgemental conversation about it. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you, it has to do with stress levels that can’t be fixed with sex. If you approach the situation with hostility instead of understanding I guarantee he won’t open up to you about this. Maybe he’s struggling with some sort of ED and is ashamed of it, maybe he’s self conscious, maybe he’s just too tired after long days of work. There’s tons of reasons, not excuses, as to why his sex drive is low. You need to talk to him about this and maybe look into couples therapy instead of posting about this on a fb page where a lot of comments are going to be negative and encourage you to throw in the towel over this issue you are currently going through with your partner.
Omg the kids and tacos same girl, same.
I don’t think you’ll forget it but he’s with you cause he chooses you
Lesson learned don’t check your fiancé phone and you don’t compare yourself on those young girls. He loves you for who you are don’t change yourself for other people. Even anyone even your partner. Confident makes you sexy. Don’t let that insecurities takes over your mind confident girl!
I so get that feeling. I’ve never had anything this bad, but the jealousy sucks sooo much. One reason I have a hard time investing in a relationship. I hate how it makes me compare myself to other women, which is a big no no for me (and should be for all women!) It’ll stop being so terrible after a while. Work on things with your husband. If yall still don’t seem compatible and it’s continuing to wreck your self esteem, consider leaving.
idk it would hurt my feelings & that doesn’t make me insecure they shouldn’t have been on his phone, especially if he’s been with you for a while. there’s multiple questions that come to my mind, like was he watching them while with you? because if so, that’s a red flag. however, he deleted them, apologized & said he didn’t know they were on there. if you trust your partner, then i would forgive & forget about it (even though it might be hard).
There’s no way, I’d leave. I’m sorry but him just saying sorry isn’t enough, they always say “sorry I didn’t realize I still had that on my phone” and it’s such a BS excuse.
Him deleting them is cool, but to me, if I had to beg a man to do the same things he did so easily with other women would turn me off.
I would leave him.
He knew they were still on His phone and I guarantee he has them saved to a cloud somewhere!
Maybe he is depressed or stressed or battling his own demon but as for him never making video of you depending on if your talking an sexy time vids could be he has more respect for you than the others.
find you a new daddy im sure there plenty guys put there would do better job.
You do have to remember he had a past before you…but that never should have been on his phone… and I am quite sure the other women wouldn’t be happy knowing he had that either…I don’t buy the fact that he didn’t know they were on there…Good luck wish ya the best…but true love shouldn’t really have anything g to do with a body type etc…and him having them to me is a BIG red flag…lit up in neon colors…
Just because he deleted it doesn’t mean it’s gone from his backup storage. iCloud Google Apple whatever it may be. No you’ll never forget it. You’ll try, you’ll think for a while that you can. Then the sex will change again and you’ll realize that you’re going right back to those videos and thoughts. Sometimes they make honest mistakes, but you will never forget it. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Living a life in somebody else’s Shadow or comparing yourself to somebody, knowing that there’s sexual preview preferences not the same body as yours,betc. will never make you comfortable in your relationship. I fought for 4 years and I’ve been 3 years trying to get over him. Get out now:broken_heart: that’s the only advice I can give you. you’re trying to talk yourself into something that you know is wrong. Spend less time trying to convince yourself why not to leave the relationship and more time preparing to leave. I realized in my journey that you should not have to talk yourself into believing something/anything. If that makes any sense. You deserve more sweetheart. You are enough and you should never be left to feel like you weren’t. Love and prayers you got this
As long as he changes the way you hope .nothing ro worry about. If he doesn’t you might wanna seek a new relationship
no, make it a challenge. Do something different like start doing things You love or want. You can focus on youself while in a relationship. Coz if your relationship doesn’t work, you’re still fine coz You got you, loving yourself. Besides, any man love a woman who love herself more.
That’s tough. Time will tell. I don’t know. Everyone is different and handles situations different.
im sorry honey. what i can say is you wont see a video like that again because he will be better at hiding it. sometimes its better to be ignorant
Your fault for looking?! No, you deserve better.
Idk. My dude always was with super pretty women before me so it actually makes me feel better about my self that he settled for an ugly ol chunky dunk like myself
How long has he had that phone and have you been together for…
Are you sure that the videos are older & not recent?
You’re likely to dwell on it until you find something new on his phone to distract you from the last thing you seen on there.
Are you sure they’re from before you though ? If you guys had such a good relationship till the past few months wouldn’t he have deleted them before hand ? Especially if you’re engaged right now. Its literally basic common sense. People don’t keep things like that if they’re committed. No excuses.
Nope . It will never go away . Your sex life will never get better . I’m going on 3 years without anything from my guy .
Just stating the obvious here, he knew they were on his phone and probably has them stored somewhere else, they’re NOT gone sis, especially if he hung on to them for this long. …hE fOrGoOoT… yeahhh right. Take that bs way over there
Tacos before vatos sis
Saying sorry isn’t enough sometimes depending on the situation… They always say “sorry, I didn’t know it was on my phone” and it’s such a stupid excuse! We have every right to go on their phone if we have a gut feeling something is wrong…￼Him deleting them isn’t enough! It’s hurtful and can never be forgotten! There’s plenty of fish in the sea￼ who will treat you with respect!
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I’m sure he isn’t a prize trophy either. If he really loves you he will accept your body just like it is. I have the “mom” body. I like to eat.
He didn’t delete them they are somewhere hidden BELIEVE that(hidden app or computer, e-mail)
Worry about real life stuff or move on if you can’t
Seems like an awfully long time to have a phone why are the videos on a recent phone? I’m so sorry you had to see that I’ve been there I know how disgusted and hurt you feel. Has he had that phone since u met him?
These videos were before you? And he deleted them…so what’s the problem? U never had a man before him?
Don’t go looking for things you don’t want to find.
Red flags all over the place
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Nope you will never forget. That was my first marriage until we got divorce now I don’t think about since it’s not in my life.
Your relationship is now over. You can’t unsee this. Go find someone who wants you
If you are his main means of support he will tell you what you want to hear. It sounds like you are being used.
Well…Atleast you’re not Married yet. And with the lack of trust you have in him and the lack of confidence you have in yourself, don’t get married. Eating tacos is not the issue with your self esteem. You need to be Bold and confident . It’s already teetering on being a fail marriage. Couples counseling before is definitely something to think about.
Not that big of a deal. Also he may not want to record you so others can’t see it. He may respect you more. Also he needs a doctor for his sex drive and not someone being upset he doesn’t have one- doctor. Also I see where you’re coming from but it was before you. My phone pulls things from 10 years ago that I can’t find to get rid of trust me.
You have to get past this insecurity. He maybe really forgot the videos were there. He deleted them immediately. You have to accept that he had a life before you as you did before him, unless of course you were a virgin
Tacos over dudes anywayssss…
Well considering those videos were before you everyone was younger at the time. They probably look different now…but you have to remember they were before you. The fact he had them on his phone is a little odd.
He was masturbating to those videos. That’s cheating to me. I’d leave.
Consequences of snooping. Sadly
You’ll forget eventually
As long as he deleted them however I would want to know why he won’t do videos with me…is he insecure now…if his sex drive isn’t as high as yours you may just have to accept that fact
IF YOU DONT LIKE YOUR BODY THEN START GOING TO A GYM AND WORKING OUT
you never mentioned your ages or how long you have been together?.
But i have a feeling you have gained weight and he has lost a bit of attraction for you …it happens…but you can change that by getting in shape…when you two are intimate does he look lije he is enjoying it
You need to spice it up girl…because your sex life has gotten boring
I wouldnt suggest getting married till you get your problems of intimacy fixed
And he lied to you he knew that the videos were there but maybe they are saved somewhere else when he deleted them
You must have said something if he knew you saw them…or how did he know
Wait a bit and go through his phone again to see if they are actually gone
Just remember it’s his past and everyone has a past. It is odd that they where on his phone still but he chose you for you. You’ll never forget them but you can move beyond them and work on the now with him.
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You won’t ever forget trust me I still have the pics from my ex’s whore he was cheating on me with in my head that won’t go away and we were together nine years almost divorced three years now. It won’t ever go away unfortunately and you can’t unsee them. And they will continue to cause problems for you guys sadly. I have been to counseling. I have tried to heal and forget things but those will forever be engraved mental pics in my head that I wish I could permanently erase. If you both want it to work you will both give 110%. If one isn’t giving then it won’t work. But don’t waste your time if things don’t change bc it won’t ever change if it’s not addressed now and fixed. It just becomes bigger problems.
Let it go nothing good will come of this. Enjoy your life with him and strive to do better together
Do not settle for less, I suggest find someone else who would love and respect you no matter what you look like.
personally i don’t think this is your one !
your already having issues . the sex is already dying . your already insecure , his already using old videos of other women for enjoyment ! he only deleted them to cover his arse.
relationships are not meant to be that hard.
LOVE isn’t hard it’s fun and it works.
he isn’t your one and your clearly not his choice either .
time to move forward
Counseling and work on the self image. The past is gone.
Over the years we all change and are different ppl so u will never un see that remember he isn’t the same person he was in these videos and Maybe that will help. I think he has respect for u not to want to make a video. Just my thoughts
The simple answer? No. You’ll never forget them. You’ll never unseen them. But there will be a time when you’ve moved past it. And it won’t be the top of your mind all day every day.
Honestly and no one come for me lol! I wouldn’t be able to get over it. I don’t think I’d leave depending on how long and the way your relationship works but considering he hasn’t been in the mood is odd…And I wouldn’t personally believe my spouse about that ONLY bc I have had Exs do and say similar things. I wouldn’t be able to and since you have to ask us maybe that’s your answer? Feel free to pm me btw. Just idk that’s not believable to me personally but go with YOUR gut. That had to be hard I’m so sorry you had to go through this emotional event.
If you dont trust him leave simple as that if you dont have kids etc its easier to just walk away
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you will forget them if you stop caring about them. Just gotta think to yourself that you could care less. usually it works
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I’d delete the videos, don’t say anything to him and see if he brings it up. If he does, then you know he was looking for them to beat his meat
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