So my spouse and I have been married only 3 years now. We have 2 kids, and another on the way. When we met he was in the service and was about to end his contract to readjust to civilian life. Since he got out he has tried several different jobs and has even gone to college. Things for us are mostly fine but I’m starting to notice a pattern in my spouse. Every time he starts something new, he finds a way to find all the negative things and immediately gets frustrated and quits. He has worked job after job but does not like to do any of them. I have been patient and encouraging but it has also been so draining on me emotionally to see my spouse suffer constantly. When I suggest I get a full time job and he stay home, he refuses. I do contribute financially as I go to school and am self employed but it’s the emotional problems that are weighing on our marriage. How can I be more supportive? I listen when he vents about work, I offer encouragement to try and remember what’s important about having employment and how hard it can be between jobs especially with bills not pausing. I am more than willing to work. I have been paying for bills when he’s in between jobs. I have even suggested going to a counselor for possible depression from adjustment to civilian life from military life. Each time I try to get through to him in a kind way, he takes it as I don’t understand and he’s all alone. I’m afraid of him pushing me away because all we have is each other, we don’t live near family or friends. I love my husband and want to continue to be there but how else can I get through to him? All of our needs are met at home, and with the kids but when it comes to his issues at work he thinks I don’t get it and shuts me out now. How can I approach this?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get through to my husband? - Mamas Uncut
Have you ever considered that maybe he just needs to re-enlist in the military? My husband was in the marines when we got married, completed his stint two years later and separated from the military. A year later, working a going nowhere job and unable to find a job that provided all the benefits that the military had i.e.,housing, health insurance and shopping at a discount on base; he enlisted in the army. He spent another 23 years in the military, retired at 42 and got a civilian contractor job. Some people just need the military structure, discipline and the benefits are a huge bonus.
Honestly my ex husband was the same way and same situation as you are in. I know you are looking for support, but in my situation I was just a person to lean on and he knew the bills would still get paid between jobs. Once we divorced he has stayed at his job and hasn’t come up with excuses to quit for 3 years because he no longer has the option of putting the burden on me. I don’t really have advice I can just tell you once a situation happens more then a few times it’s now a pattern and you may get stuck in it.
It is a VERY hard adjustment. I have been out 10 years and I still have trouble in my civilian job. Hardest challenge is the “freedom”. You are very used to a scheuled life. If he got out and some buddies did not that is a struggle. Any deployments that will weigh on him also. It affects them more than they let on. His feelings are valid, if you have not been in he is alone in that fight mentally. There is NO way to explain to someone whom hasnt been in. All i can say is Listen to him really listen. Be supportive in every way possible… it may take a toll on you but if you love him there is light at the end and they do appreciate the support. Listening is the best way. Sometimes you dont need to give advice just listen. He will work through this. Be there to listen, listen listen listen… i cannot say it enough. I have spent the better part of 13 years listening. I could write a book on how i have handled the after the military…its a tough one…
I was the same way. Took me a long time to readjust and I was “peacetime”. Beware any of the veterans groups like the vfw or legion… their help is just to keep you drunk.
Keep him focused on things familiar.
Encourage him to maintain bugout bags for the family in case of emergency. Or to take a backpack and run twice a week. He will be contributing and with something he is the expert on. Besides he needs to do that stuff anyway.
He needs to talk to someone. I’m a Veteran. Alot of my friends and family are too and I’ve seen this alot. The transition is difficult and he may never be able to just adjust back to civilian life and “be happy” about it. There’s alot of groups on here that may help him too. I suggest Disgruntled Underground 2.0.
More often than not, it’s actually people that are the biggest hindrance at jobs, school, etc. The way civilians treat eachother and behave is very different compared to what has been ingrained into him.
Keep talking to him about counseling. He needs it, and to be evaluated by a psychiatrist as it could be more than depression.
Civilian life adjustment is hard for soldiers . Often there passion is the job they had in the military. I have known plenty of people who have gotten out and had the same issue. It very well might be a issue he has that he can’t discuss with you but can with other servicemembers he has relationships with. Be easy on him
Civilian life is hard for many veterans. It’s a very different life after serving. He can still work for the military as a civilian. Is he realizing this could be an issue and not the jobs he’s taking. Time for a chat, stay supportive and look into resources. Veteran spouse
He needs to talk to someone about what he is going through. Maybe a friend that he trusts or a pastor/priest to just get things off his chest. Just being there and supporting him will mean a lot to him I’m sure. He is probably going through some mental health issues if this has being going on for some time or recurring. I hope you both get through this .
Sounds like he may need therapy. He might have an undiagnosed mental disorder. Maybe suggest to go see a therapist. Even couples counseling may help. He needs help. Good Mental health is very important to get through life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of either. All you can do right now is encourage him to seek therapy.
This is not a uncommon thing with people getting out of the military. I was married to the army for 12 yrs ( my ex was active duty paratrooper). Being a spouse is not as easy as support and hea right u dont understand nor could u ever. That’s ok u both need to understand and except that u as the spouse will never fully understand what he went through and what it’s like for him now. It’s ok I dont think your suppose to understand I think your suppose to be there to help him navigate his new normal. There are lots of studies done on this a local vet center should have resources on how to navigate things. Theres other resources for you as the spouse I can remember off the top of my head but if your interested pm me and I’ll find the info for u! You are not alone and there is help for this issue!!!
I don’t know much however I did work in a veterans home for a while. The only thing I can really say is just be there. He will talk more when he is ready. Do what you need to for your family. The guys I talked to did not like talking about what they went through. But the little I did learn was to just listen. There isn’t much you can say. Just remind him everyday that no you don’t understand since you wasn’t there but regardless you are here now and here for him. And remind him how much you love him. Leave random notes around that he will see that are positive for him. Like have a great day. I love you. Small notes saying stay positive. Anything that can boost him. See if you can remember what he enjoyed doing the most before he went in or ask family if they remember. That way maybe he could get back into that. Once he finds some sort of joy or what he likes it will be a bit easier for him. I don’t know what it’s like to be a wife of any body that has served but I’m sure it’s very draining. Just remember if you all can get through this together you can get through anything together. Find other wives you can talk with that may help you get through this and maybe introduce the husbands later maybe having others he can talk with that’s been in the same situation would help. Sending lots of love and prayers to you and your family.
You need a lot of patience because adjusting to a civilian life is hard very hard, my brother in law was lost and try to many different jobs until he found something that he really like.
He is overwhelming and probably with some stress, anxiety and depression, stop pressuring him , be supportive and do not make a huge thing over the job changing, he will eventually find something that he will like .
Just keep being there for him and doing what your doing maybe have him go to the gym work out go with him for a walk or run to release some of the stress maybe have him be a mentor to troubled teens gives him a chance teach discipline and teach them how to be a team like in the army maybe someone who helps with boot camps. I don’t know if those are good suggestions or not . And to everyone here that’s a veteran or still in the military thank you for your service yall probably don’t get it enough and thank you for the family for supporting them I couldn’t imagine the worry and stress you face on a daily basis when they are gone over seas and can’t contact them as much Especially how this world is this day and age.
Most colleges offer a test to see what you might enjoy as work. He could try that and see what he has the basic skills for.
The hardest part isn’t going to war. It’s coming home.
I work for my self as well and for me it works best. Maybe he could find something her could do to be his own boss as well?
What about contracting jobs with the military?
I am sure a part of him misses certain aspects of military life and work.
We are military, and it’s completely different out there in civilian world.
Find jobs with similarity- police force, fire fighter, corrections, contractor jobs with military. Rejoin the military.
Ditch him. He is an excuse machine. You will always be the primary breadwinner. You deserve better than this.
Prayers for your husband. Amene
I’d talk to him to see if he wants to reenlist. I know that’s something you probably hate the sound of but it sounds like he misses that lifestyle. The structure, benefits, etc.
I’ve never been in the forces but know a few veterans. Im not sure they ever totally settle down to civilian life tbh. Those I know have their problems with ptsd and the biggest thing they have is a veterans club where they can talk to people who know what they feel like. They can talk and you can listen but there’s things they don’t want to talk about with family. Therapy is great for some…but its better having a forces therapist or someone who has served…if you haven’t you just cant understand
Obviously you give love and support but look into a vets club for him. Most places have one fairly local here
Maybe civilian life isn’t for him
Can he reinlist?