I was with my ex for seven years, and we had two children together. I also have a son from a previous relationship before him. My son calls my ex dad and has never met his real father (his father’s choice). My ex and I split up nearly four years ago after I couldn’t deal with his verbal abuse anymore but remained friends for quite some time, and he was still super involved with our children. He visited them at least four times a week plus took all 3 of them every other weekend. I met my current boyfriend about a year after the split, and we have been dating ever since. For about four months into my relationship with him, my ex has become verbally abusive again and eventually stopped taking the kids or even contacting me to check upon them. He started saying things like “Have your new boyfriend do it” whenever I would tell him that our daughter or youngest son needed anything. He refuses to pay child support as well. I was stating that he will not pay me for a failed relationship. About a year ago, he contacted me and told me he wanted to tell our oldest that he wasn’t his real father and then, quite literally, fell off the face of the planet, and we didn’t hear from him again for nearly six months. So my son is now aware this he is not his real dad, and he took it well. But when my ex found out that I told him, he was pissed and started telling everyone that I was keeping the kids from him. I have all the proof of me trying to contact him with no response back. He saw the kids on Christmas after his mother contacted me and asked me if she could take them. He had them for about 4 hours before he dropped them back off at home. He then took them on January 9th and again, stopped seeing them and cut all contact from that point forward. His mother got ahold of me three weeks ago and asked if she could have the kids for the weekend. I said yes, of course. But she did not tell me that my ex was there. When she dropped the kids back off, she informed me that my youngest son, who is 3, was locked outdoors in the early hours of the morning, and she has no idea how long he had been out there. Apparently, when she found him, he was screaming and hyperventilating while banging on her front door. I guess he had slept in the camper with his father by the river and had gone outside to use the bathroom and couldn’t get back in. Upon hearing this, I became infuriated. Not only was my baby locked outside and scared, right beside a massive river where he could have drowned, but I was also pissed that I wasn’t even informed that my ex was there in the first place. Just so everyone is aware, I have no intention of keeping the kids from him. I just think that he should man up and contact me for the kids versus having his mom do it for him. What can I do about this? I don’t think that it is fair to the kids that he walks in and out of their lives with no repercussions because I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s not healthy for the kids, but I am so heartbroken over the fact that I literally have to rock my children to sleep most nights because they are crying for a father that does not want them. I would like to have his rights terminated, but I have to think about how that will affect the kids. What can I do here? Keep in mind courthouses in my area will not be open until the end of September.
For the kids safely alone I would switch to supervised (by you or trusted person) visits and no more over nights. Its just not worth it and if he paints you as someone “who keeps his kids away from him” then you might as well dictate his visits (of any) in the way you see fit.
The courts may not open til September but I would be contacting a lawyer and see what you legally can do until then and start the whole process via lawyer for supervised visitation now.
You cannot terminate his rights but what you can do is get sole custody of your kids, you’ll have to go to court.
You would need his consent or be able to prove in court that he is abusive or neglectful to the children and that it dangerous for them to be around him
I agree with Vanessa Spurlock. But I would go a step farther and say no to him seeing the kids period. If he asks, then say no, and tell him, if he wants to see them, then take you to court. Yes, you will be saying no now, but your kids safety comes first. The incident with the 3 year old would have been the last straw
It also sounds like a control factor on his behalf.
I would definitely not trust him seeing them without supervision. That is definitely scary what happened to your son thank god he is ok! And the mom if she wants to see the kids in my opinion I would tell her to come visit them by your house (because of what happened) or maybe meet up with her somewhere? Until you go to court and straighten everything out. That was way too scary I wouldn’t trust them again.
If he’s not paying child support than that should be easy to take full custody.
First if his mother would like to seethe kids, I would tell her she is welcome to visit them at your home or under your supervision. Secondly, document EVERYTHING! And if the father wants to visit them, it needs to be supervised also. No overnights at all. In NC, where I live if a parent has no contact for 6 months you can file abandonment charges against them.
Unfortunately the only way to do that is if he does it willingly.
In most states after abandonment for so long before they will terminate
Oh my god absolutely not, tell him he will NOT be seeing his kids because of the fact your THREE year old was locked outside next to a fucking RIVER. Your kid could have DIED.
No. Don’t let him see those precious babies. If you’ve got proof that happened, keep them safe with you
Ask Lawyer for advice!!!
Every state is different even though the court house is close they will still have someone there to answer phones and they might be able to answer your question .you can also call legal aid and they can answer your questions .
Get a lawyer, get full custody with supervised visits. Dont allow them back at the Moms. You probably wont be able to terminate his rights if he just saw the kids in Jan. Be thankful this guy has actually tried, some.
My ex husband has supervised visits and I have full sole, legal custody. He hasnt even TRIED to see my kids in YEARS even though he has rights to supervised visits and 1 phone call everyday. No calls, nothing.
Quit letting his mom see them. She’s playing his game and enabling him. She is as bad as him. Your son could have died from both of their negligence. And honestly after him pulling the stuff with your oldest I would cut him off completely until he started paying his part. I’d also create a visit schedule that can be under your supervision or not at all. That is so unacceptable behavior from a parent.
I have been through this with my oldest who is 4! The father hasn’t seen her for 2 years now and I still can’t get him terminated off her stuff. He has been in jail and prison multiple times. Signed off his visitation rights and there is a no contact order between them but I can’t have it so he isn’t on her birth certificate because he won’t sign it over. He has threatened to kill her, has threatened to kill the rest of my family, kidnap her and alot more. He smashed my windshield in my vehicle and stalked my house with a no contact and peace bond and it still wasn’t enough. He just got out of prison in September after serving almost 2 years as he had a 2 year sentence and he can still try to take me back. The court doesn’t always do what’s best for the child.
After what happen with the 3 Year Old being locked outside and near a river I wouldn’t let him see any of the kids. Don’t say anything about court just block everything he can use to contact you. Tell he’s mum that she is welcome to visit you and the kids at your place and under your supervision but, she won’t be taking the kids anywhere.
I’m in Florida so the laws and stuff may be different here. I work at the courthouse in finance so please don’t think that I’m an expert in any sense of the word but here we are still having emergency judgements where the judge is remotely handing things. Also the child support division is open at the county level and also at the state level, just maybe not in person but you can still get someone on the phone. I would start there, put his butt on child support because wether he wants to be a father or not, he is one. We offer legal services that are cheap to no cost to you to assist with family matters, filling out paperwork, stuff like that so you should ask about that. Like I said, that’s what we have here and it may not be the same where you are but you could always ask. A lot of people aren’t aware that’s even available. I wish you luck.
Nothing you can do but however I would not let them have unsupervised visits
I wouldn’t let his mom or family see the kids until courts open. The past is the past but you’re letting your kids go through this and I would be proud and stop until you seek a judges decision. What anyone else says doesn’t matter and shouldn’t affect you. If you try and be “nice” to his family your kids will not appreciate it as adults.
Get a judge involved, until then don’t give in.
Terminating his rights doesn’t mean he is not their father anymore. Why would you keep your children from their grandparents? He may be a fairweather dad but he is still their dad. The kids will have their own opinions as they grow up.
Get it legal. right now if you left them with him he can take the two kids That are his and not return them to you. I mean it’s obvious he doesn’t care for them enough, but if he really wants to get under your skin he might try. Reading what happened to your baby and imagining what could’ve happened is really what makes me think he doesn’t care about being a dad. If he did he would try to be seeing them every week or definitely more often than he is. You could also tell him for now you want supervised visits because of what happened. If he argues, just say “you can take me to court otherwise”. Mistakes happen, yes, but when you are by a huge river you always pay more attention to kids.
This is a lot to unpack.
One: you should have called the police immediately about the River situation.
Two: you need a lawyer and you need to go for child support.
All I got.
That is a hard situation and is different in every state and county. I could tell you 3 different ways to do it in Virginia. Best option get a free consultation with a lawyer and discuss.
If you have proof of these events, you need to seek an emergency custody order. I’m not American so I don’t know how that works there but perhaps contacting a lawyer for direction.
Best way is keep documentation of EVERYTHING from him or his mother and then lawyer up. Tbh in many states unless they go a consistent length of time as a pose to just in and out there isn’t anything you can do about his rights. Indiana for example, if they go one year without any attempt at communication for that child or without seeing them then legally they’ve been considered to have abandoned the child and rights can be terminated. However even if they just send ONE text message ONE time in alllll of that year, he will still be allowed rights. Now if you have proof of that river incident that CAN be used as reason for him to only be allowed supervised visitation rights usually at a place owned by courts that he would have to pay roughly 200 every visit just to be allowed to visit at that center with a supervised employee not to mention the child support he would also have to pay for the kids that are legally his.
Take Them to counseling get a Lawyer and document everything he does!Go from there.
Talk to the women’s refuge. They are great and will give you legit legal advice. And set you on the right path. All the best. It was the best choice I ever made
When you say that he is not paying child support. Do you mean the child support that is in place when the child custody was made? Court and legal? Or just not paying to help from a verbal agreement you had with your ex?
Submit a chid support and parenting schedule to get this sorted out.
u get to talk to a lawyer. u have a lot on yur plate. u need to do what is best for yur kids. and that is protecting them. u never know what a person will do when it comes to hmsharing kids. I saw a show where a man killed his children because he didnt want to share. so please for the sake and safety of yur kids u keep them until their is a court order because honestly there is nothing stopping him from taking them.
I feel for you, this is very unsettling on all three children.Whislt you want your husband to play a role in their lives, I’m wondering whether his role is not doing them more harm than good…
Children don’t need the instability of a parent who only shows up when it wants to, in that case they might remain with the one stable parent.
His mother must be honest with you when she wants the kids, clearly she also just wants her son to play some positive role in their lives and he is emotionally manipulating her to get the kids on his behalf.
You must lay down firmer rules.
It’s often best for children to be kept away from a toxic person.
In PA after 6 months of abandonment you can file to terminate his rights. Check with your state
Contact a lawyer, file for child support if you can and then file for custody. First step is a lawyer and they can help you through the rest.
What she said👆. If you do file custody and he gets set visitation, ask how long until you can file abandonment. Document everything and file a police report about your kid being locked outside. Always leave as much of a paper trail as you can and communicate about the kids in text as much as possible. Check your state laws regarding recording phone calls. Hopefully you won’t have to take it that far, but the more you cover yourself the better. Maybe filing for custody will be the wake up call he needs to step up for his kiddos.
So I will tell you that yes it is hard for the children let them go through the motions simply because they will figure out on their own who was there a d who wasnt. Let them form their own opinion of their father. My son is almost 14. He decides when he wants to see his dad. They have a relationship not a very good one but they have one. Even at almost 14 he knows what he can expect from his dad. This way they children can never blame you even if the court ordered it they will look at you. Just my opinion! Be there for them and help them work through their emotions.
First you need to put these kids in counseling…they need to speak with someone who isn’t in the situation…then you should definitely get a mediator…and a lawyer…I know you said the courts won’t be open till Sept but it’s good to start putting things in place.
So because you’re upset, you want his rights terminated? Your kids already know who he is and have a bond. You and your ex need to figure out how to co-parent now that the relationship is over. When the kids are 18 and if they want your boyfriend to adopt them… then they can proceed forward with terminating his rights.
Okay he walks in and out of the kids life that’s a big no. Get a lawyer get set visitation and supervised and then after 1 year of him not seeing them you can actually file for abandonment
Someone I know, their child’s father abandoned him. He showed up to court once and they took him to jail for not paying child support but he asked if he could sign his rights over and they told him no. That if he was taking care of his new kids with his new girlfriend that he can take care of his first kid. This is in Texas tho. The person I know talked to a lawyer to see if she can get his rights taken away so she can change her sons last name and they said she can’t do it unless she gets married and her husband adopts him.
Take it to court and get set visitation and child support.
My ex and I are kinda going through something similar. For the past six years he’s been in and out of our kids lives. He left me and our son while six months pregnant with our daughter. He’s come back left, come back left a million times. It was very mentally abusive. We have been separated 3 years In July. He has a very strained relationship with our 7 year old son, he will tell you straight up he doesn’t like his dad. Our daughter I don’t think she has made her mind up about him yet. One thing I won’t do is keep them from him, even if it’s a couple hours a day once a week. I want them to see how he is as a person and make their own decisions about who he is. Dad is currently gone for a year in Qatar so I’m interested to see how their relationships will be when he get back.
Sounds like you need to make better choices in the men you date from now on so your kids dont keep going through this…you’ve chosen 2, possibly 3, that abandoned their kids so far.
In most states you can’t, unless you get married and your husband adopts the child.
File for custody and child support through courts. My guess is he wont show up and they will award custody to you
Tell him what he’s doing is damaging to them, and make him choose whether to be a father or not, no in-between. Record the conversation. Talk to his mother separately, saying that she is welcome to take the kids as long as she is there and keeping an eye on all of them, because it sounds like she just left them alone with their dad. If he has informed you that he doesn’t wish to be their father, explain that to her and show her the recording if needed.
Ok I’m confused. You say you want to terminate his rights. Then at the end you say you have no intention in taking your children from him. Those 2 things totally counterdict each other.
Anyway there’s 2 ways to terminate a father’s rights. Get married & your husband adopts them. He’ll have to sign off rights. Second is to prove him as a danger to your kids. By the sounds of it he’s emotionally abusive & neglectful. But not enough that a court will terminate his rights. From what I’ve seen a father has to kill a child before loosing rights to the others.
It sounds like you don’t have a legal visitation agreement & he just takes them when it’s convenient for him. In that case you don’t have to let him or his mom take the kids. Just tell him no. He can file for rights. I doubt he will. If he does hire a lawyer. Tell them all you’ve told us. A lawyer can probably get you sole custody with supervised visitation. It helps to have proof. Keep texts, record conservations if legal in your state, take your kids to a counselor. They have to report abuse. If 1 of them would tell the counselor about your 3yo being locked outside there will probably be a CPS investigation.
You’re aware of dangerous behavior from your ex. Allowing him or his mom to have him not only jeopardizes their safety but if something would happen you’d be charged with failure to protect. It’s your obligation to your children to keep them safe. Don’t allow him to take the kids without a court order & tell the judge how abusive he is.
Bless the kids! Its the kids that always suffers.