My husband had a daughter out of wedlock with his ex, and she is now four years old. I have been in her life since she was one year old. Now, my husband and I have been together for over three years, and now we too have a daughter together who is five months old. My question is for all the blended families out there. My step daughter’s birth mother makes everything so complicated. She has threatened to stab me, have me jumped, and hit me. At one point in time, my stepdaughter started calling me Mommy, and her birth mother insisted that I was coaching her to say that and turning her against her. I have put me all into my stepdaughter. I have been up with her crying at night, taken care of her when she was sick, provide clothes and food, everything. I think of her and treat her as my own. I would have thought that as a mother, you could be a big enough person and put jealously aside and be happy that there is someone in her life who actually cares rather than neglecting her. Her birth mother likes to play games. She uses her daughter as a pawn to get what she wants. We have statements from her teachers last year saying that the child acts like a different person around her mother, and not in a good way. The teachers have even said that there are days where the child will be dropped off at school in pajamas with hair not brushed. We spoke to a lawyer, but they told us that since those statements from her teachers are older than six months that we do not have a case for full custody. I try so so hard and care so much for my stepdaughter, but I feel like I am at a breaking point. I feel like I have to “careless” about the situation to be able to find peace, but I don’t know how to. If anyone has been through similar situations or is part of a blended family and has some advice, it would be much appreciated.
Never careless. Any threats she makes in messages, save them. But just be you. Dont make the child feel like she is at fault. Just continue to love her like her own. You can still apply for full custody. And I’ve never heard a lawyer say that.
Just love her regardless. Legally, there isnt much that you can do regarding custody but I would press charges on bio mom if I was being harassed and threatened.
Step Mothers United - Support Group
Okay but where is the husband in this. What does he say??
Anything in the last 2 years can be used in court. Atleast in maryland that is. Document everything, take pictures. Save all her messages. During drop offs and pick ups, record her. Let her know shes being recorded so u dont get in trouble.
I just don’t understand why on earth a woman (birth mother) has so much anger towards you??? Something is not being revealed to us (you).
Girl. My step daughters mom. Tried too use that I was a domestic abuse suvivor and my son was raped. Too get my ex too leave me. By keeping her from him… she tried lying too their mutual friends about me. She is a piece of work. And a piece of shit. She lied in court and because she had a lawyer and my boyfriend didn’t they won. It was fucked.
By the way both are in court right now… She is just low… Tried too say I cheated on my boyfriend which she don’t know me… so…
Write every thing she says down, her mom act like a child .thank God she has you to care so much for her.
my s/o has an ex that is jealous of me and causes family problems all the time,they havebeen divorced over 20 yrs and their “kids” are grown up men .she buys their affection sothey side with her . its a never ending battle good luck
I don’t think the whole 6 months thing matters. I would find a new lawyer.
My divorce/custody was finalized in November of 2018. I filed for a modification in October 2019 I think it was. I used stuff from the entire year in between to get what I wanted.
That’s what judges prefer to see- documentation! Dates times and what happened. And documentation that it’s an on going issue kind of thing. Not just a 1 time thing that happened (because even I’ve messed up. 
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Save and document all threats and bad behaviors. Anytime child is not dressed, unkempt, document all. You’ll need it later.
Learn to get along for the kid. There are videos and counselors to help. It’s only a few years. It’s adult drama… Everyone needs to grow up.
Your attorney is not a guardian ad litem. Hire your daughter a GAL to win full custody. With a GAL you can give them all the proof you have. Voicemails, emails, text messages, fb post, pictures, doctors and teachers notes stating well being of the child and who all were present during the visits. Also try to only communicate with the biological mother through text message as additional proof. Try to be nice as can be in those messages and let her show her ugly side. Then take your case to court for full custody. Judges tend to rule in favor of the GAL recommendations on what the best interests of the child is and looks like it wont be with her mother. It cost us $500 for the GAL and judge ordered ex to pay half.
Keep every statement, take her to court and the next time she threatens you, you call the cops and press charges. Record everything and keep them under lock and key. Ignore the mother and her antics but always keep a record.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. The mom can kick rocks. My step sons mom use to be horrible. Like wish shed take a flying leap off the side of a cliff horrible, but within the last year or two shes mellowed out. My husband and I got together when my step son was two. He’s now turning 7 in a couple weeks. His mom has done everything she could possibly think of to try to get rid of me. She finally realized after 5 years she cant get rid of me so shes trying to get a long and be my friend. Were not friends. But she now acknowledges me on mothers day and my birthday. My birthday always falls on a weekend we dont have my step son but this year she let him come over so we could do family stuff. She also gives us my sons birthday as an extra day because that’s all he asks for ever year. Things didnt really shift until she found she had cancer and moved to BFE and has no support system. Shes even called me to come pick up my step son to take him to school because she couldnt find her car keys and when she had family drama across the country for the first time she depended on us to make sure he was picked up from school every day. Now that shes also getting a divorce she calls me for help all the time. She calls me instead of my husband because he’s usually at work. But most of that happened within the last 9ish months. I basically killed her with kindness. Some women get over it and some dont. All you can do is be there for your step daughter and hope it gets better and try to co parent as best as possible. In our case she realized things go better when we work as a team.
I would think if the teachers gave statements once, they’d do it again…
The child is the most important in this. The love and dedication you show counts the most thats why she felt comfortable calling you mum-hope it all works out
I think this is only part of the story where’s her dad how does he feel
Just keep doing what you are doing. I got with my SO 11yrs ago. His son was almost 3. It was like the same situation you are describing. I just kept loving and caring for him and things slowly changed with the mother. If you do decide to go to court they will appoont a guardian -ad- litem(idk if thats spelled right) and they will do home visits with both parents and make a suggestion to the judge based on what is in the best interest of the child
Document new stuff and then go for custody. Parental alienation and using kids as pawns is child abuse.
Get a new lawyer because if shes threating domestic violence or threating your life than that’s around her daughter which shouldnt be so get a new lawyer an give them proof and tell them what’s going on an that’s why yall are wanting custody and itll make it easier .
This situation depends on if there’s a court ordered custody arrangement. And if she’s threatening you then you need to report that to police and have documentation for the courts. And when you do if she actually is threatening you then she will probably try to hurt you, your child or even her own child.
Keep doing you hun and keep a log book I had a similar situation but my step daughter has a supervised visitation once a week that was ordered by the ministry since we are fighting for full custody. If Ur able to get her to take a parental capacity test from a psychologist that would be great. Otherwise I know u Can use teachers reports. Ask for a log communication book with the school and u guys where the teacher reports all good and bad. I have friends who take care of ministry children with autism and they have their school do this. As for the mom situation only communicate what u need her mom found out she was calling me mom and flipped shit and so I told her Infront of her mom she can Call me step mom if she wants but she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. Also at Ur house is Ur rules so screw her. Being a “mom” isn’t biological only its who’s stepped up and loved her. Just tell her she’s lucky and gets two mommies that love her. Make sure u never talk bad about her mom Infront of her. Kids are smart they notice who neglects them and when they are older voice it.
Keep doing what you are doing. She will love and appreciate you as she grows older for providing the stability and consistency that she needs. It will be hard, but continue to always encourage a positive relationship between her and her mother. Never speak ill of the mother in front of the child. Show her what it is to always be the bigger person with a positive loving attitude.
As others have said, document everything.
Very similar situation stay strong it’s tough just be the best step momma you can be!
Threatening you is ridiculous and unacceptable, call the cops if that happens again. Getting upset about her calling you mommy is petty af, but she just feels threatened. As far as her acting worse around her mom and not having her hair brushed, I think that’s understandable. My kids are always better behaved for everyone else & there are days when I don’t have it in me to fight my daughter about brushing her hair. My advice is try to find whatever positive you can. Like she may do xy&z but at least she doesn’t have strange men in and out of her house or hurt her daughter. Coparenting isn’t easy, but it’s all for the kids 
All you can really do is “Control what you can control” and totally ignore what you can’t. When the daughter is with you, treat her like she’s your own. When she’s with her birth mother, all you can do is pray for her safety. The birth mother is completely irrelevant to you, and you need to treat her as such. Don’t talk to her, don’t engage with her, don’t argue or fight with her. She knows she can push your buttons, so she will continue to do so. Set in your mind that she does not matter. Don’t even speak to her. Don’t entertain any of her foolishness. Be absolutely emotion-less toward her. Seriously, make her invisible to your life. In time, when she realizes she has no control over you, she’ll get tired of trying. All you can really do is live your life in such a way, maintain your home in such a way, keep your husband and your family in such a way, that the daughter will know she is loved when she is with you, the mother will know it too. When the daughter is old enough, she’ll know where she wants to be.
MAKE THAT BITTER CHICK INVISIBLE AND GO ON WITH YOUR FAMILY.
She will see truth when she is older. You have to struggle now for the little girl. It wont last forever. Possibly even a mediator between you all. But just know that child will see the truth as she gets older
I had the same problem with my ex partners ex he would have there son for weekend access and the fights they would have were crazy the only time she got nasty was when we had our first child and that was a girl and honestly that was more jealousy on her part but she allso used that to fill there sons head with lies by saying oh ur dad is replacing u with his new family and don’t wanna see u no more there son allso wanted to call me mum becuse he had two dads as his mum had a partner I said that he has a mum who loved him very much and that I prefer he just call me via my first name I still treated him as my own until there bullshit between the parents grow too much for the child and I then refused to drive to his ex’s so he could pick up his child so becuse he wouldn’t go by public transport the access stopped the best thing I found was not to be around when it came to exchange and as for the threats just document it be on gaurd and if she dose touch u press charges becuse when and if it gose to court u that can be used against her and not shore of were ur from but here in Australia u can record a conversation as long as u tell the person they are been recorded at the start of conversation while its been recorded becuse if u can be heard in the recording say this conversation is been recorded it can be used in court good luck and all the best
As hard as the situation is keeping treating her like your own. The older she gets the easier it will be for her to see things herself. From experience, and its just me, i wouldnt care if my kids called their dads wife mom. I was always glad they got along well enough to even consider it. You can get through this, with some tears, and end up still having a great relationship with her.
My everyday struggle. Been in my step children’s lives sense youngest was 3 months old and he’s now almost 4. Oldest is 6.
Honestly it probably won’t get much better as time goes on. well atleast for me it seems to only be getting worse that’s why I’ve cut off all communication with mother because it just started to become too much for me. Document EVERYTHING extra over night stays get school attendance etc. .
Haven’t read the comments so here’s what I would say… Document EVERYTHING, report threats especially ones of bodily harm. I would also check into other lawyers. I would ask that the school/teachers report neglect like they are legally supposed to be doing. Request that she see the school counselor who is also a mandated reporter so that if she tells her anything concerning it can be reported to the proper channels. Your SO should be the point of contact with BM not you.
For the baby momma: The threats should be reported to proper authorities for investigation. Cease all verbal communication, text or email only. Preferably 100% between the bio parents. Document verifiable facts. Research lawyers. Try to amend custody agreement. Always document. Do not talk bad about her to children. Do not interrogate children over her. Limit all unnecessary communication.
For the babies: Love those kids with everything you’ve got and they’ll figure it out in the end. Always be the bigger person. Always. At least until their 18 
I’m going through the same thing. 
her mom has never physically done anything to me but her and her friends try to threaten me all the time and I’m 4 months pregnant.
All I can say is keep doing what your doing. And ignore her mother. Obviously she has mental issues and get new documents to support your claim of neglect.
Hope everything gets better
I dealt with that kind if crap for almost 9 years with my so daughter from an ex. Lately shes been friendly and not causing issue but i still refuse to trust her. Im sorry you have to deal with it 
i dont have much advice but praying
I always give the same advice to these kind of questions and it is to educate yourself on parental alienation and narcissistic personality disorder and how to cope with and communicate with these types of people. It doesn’t matter if they have it or not it is just good training on how to build your tolerance and become a more grounded person in the face of chaotic and unstable people. Keep being parenting the heck out of that little girl, you are doing the right thing. I have been in your exact shoes and if you or anyone would like to talk about this kind of situation I’m all ears.
What’s your partner done to put his ex in her place?
Ignore mother and have her dad deal with her and you enjoy your time with the littles they will appreciate you more when you dont let her beat you down
Im in sort of the same position except i am the biological mother in the situation. The ex partner thinks she can have every say in how my daughter is brought up an they have only been together a short time and have already broken up once. I only found out about her beginning of december.
Don’t give her power continue doing what your doing for the child or put her in her place bullys can not handle being put in there place…
I sent my daughter to school half an hour ago in pajamas bc she refused to get dressed. No I wouldn’t be having my kids call someone else mommy. Clarify who you are! Everyone thinks they should snatch custody up from someone parents differently they do. SMH.
It won’t get better when you’re dealing with a manipulative, vindictive birth mother. I’m going through the same thing and I had to distance myself a bit for the sake of my own 2 year old daughter. The stress was just getting to me sooo much. Dont acknowledge anything the birth mother may say, mine doesn’t have the sack to say anything to me in person but she did used to send rude comments and talk shit through my stepdaughter. We would always tell her it didnt matter what her mother thought because we were happy. Finally my husband had to put a stop to it and told her he didnt want to hear anything that her mother was saying about us. Now the birth mother has resorted to punishing her if she tells her she had fun over here. This is an 11 year old girl who is pretty much raising herself over with her bio mom. We attended one of her school functions that she told us about and her bio mom took away internet for 2 days for telling us about it. My stepdaughter is pretty much word vomiting everything that she has been through over the past few years now and realizing her mother doesn’t take care of her and tries to use her to hurt my husband. It doesn’t get easier, the kids just get older and start to develop their own opinions. Stay strong and message me if you feel like you need someone to talk to.