Advice please: My husband and I have full custody of his daughter. I have been in her life since she was a year old, which she is now 9. She has many issues that started before we managed to get full custody, such as exposure to porn, drugs, and just lack of supervision. She goes to a specialized therapist ever week. One of the things I’m worried about is her mentality not being where it should be for a nine-year-old. She was constantly babied with her mother and didn’t do anything for herself unless she asked over and over again. I was wondering, has anyone ever held their kid back a year in school to help them mature a little more before continuing to go up another year?
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If she’s doing good academically than I’d say no. Holding her back when she’s passing and doing good is only going to make things worse in the long run. She’ll get bored with school because she already knows it, and will get bullied for being older than everyone else because they’ll assume she’s “stupid”, been there. Get her around kids her age who are more mature, and put your foot down and be consistent in making her do things for herself.
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This was my life when I was 12. Moved in with my dad and step mom (although they had no interest in me or helping me get over the abuse with my mother). So I want to say thank you on behalf of you’re step daughter.
I dont think it would be best to hold her back right now uess the school also thinks so for grades. Right now, she needs as much stability as possible. I wouldnt even change school districts if possible. Talking with her therapist would probably be the best. Theyd have a better understanding what would help her. But I can tell you that your love, patience, understanding, and a good kick in the butt once in awhile is what she needs most
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Each kid is different. I have three girls. One was mature at 12 one at 16 one at 24. And they had no issues
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That’s the teachers decision not yours. I’m sorry but this is the most ignorant thing I’ve read, hold her behind a grade because you do not think she is mature enough? Am I reading this right? If she is doing good in school why would you even think that?
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I would personally talk to the school about that. My middle child is like this to the T! She is also very bright. She may need to join a sport to give her a boost of confidence. That seemed to help my child.
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Is homeschooling an option?
Take her to do as much 9 yr old stuff you can… Bonding is the best way to get her trust, if she trust you she looks up to you and you can lead by example. Make her apart of simple things … like just watching in the kitchen, talk her through ingredients as you go,what they are how they taste, include her in almost everything. She need stability yes, but she also needs confidence and to be shown a better life daily… Even if it’s a walk around the block after dinner to talk. Educate her on anything you can, show her the way. Idk how else to put it rn, we are making desert… cheese cake is finally in the oven, well what’s not on my walls and floor anyways
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Instead of holding her back, maybe try helping her mature a bit. It’s our jobs as parents to raise them. It’s schools job to academically educate them.
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I did my daughter was very much baby been spoiled but that’s cuz I had all boys so I held her back a year now she’s going into the Navy so I don’t think it hurt her
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I have first hand experience with this. Between being a public school teacher and adopting a six year old girl I have seen it all. If she is academically good keep her with her peers. She need high expections and strong boundries. It is hard but is the best. Good luck. Our daughter is now 27.
Id ask her therapist
If academically she is behind yes but not if her maturity level isnt where you think it should be. This is something to absolutely discuss with the therapist and school
This seems like contradicting information …
Exposed to bad adult behaviours at crucial stages of life - yet apparently babied and didn’t have to do anything for her self???
Her maturity (or apparent lack of ) doesn’t sound like the issue, what she was exposed to is.
Speak with the school, see how she interacts there and what the teachers notice & speak with the therapist more.
As it looks like the wrong things are being focused on by yourself.
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That’s the best thing you can do.We did this with a child in our family and I cannot tell you how this child has excelled in school.Now a top maths student more mature to handle the workload much happier both parent and student. When they are still in the first grades this holding back really helps them cope much better.We sometimes unknowingly try to compare with other kids and get concerned if they drop down a standard but believe me I have seen the difference -a happier relaxed child try it if it’s still the first few grades you wont regret it
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Parents do this all the time. There’s definitely a plus to it when necessary.
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Don’t focus on the negative behaviours and lots of praise for the good behaviours. Then She will seek approval/attention in a positive way instead of a negative one. Keep good communication with her therapist and school as well to keep consistency. Good Luck you will figure it out!
I wouldn’t be worried about the maturity because everyone matures differently if she is capable of handling her grade I wouldn’t hold her back
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We had two kids held back in elementary school for lack of maturity— I think it turned out well for them. It was 2nd grade for both. I’d ask her counselor what they think and maybe an appropriate person at school (school counselor/teacher?)
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My niece did that for her daughter. Best thing ever for her
Get her in church. Read the bible with her and explain it to her. Pray for her and teach her to pray. Love her unconditionally and speak to her with kindness while giving her direction. Set boundaries and be firm with responsible consequences. She will thrive.
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Maybe talk to her teachers and see where they feel she is at.
I begged to be held back in 6th grade. We moved a lot and I needed it. Turned out great for me. I also had my son held back a year in 2nd grade because I also felt like he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t thrilled in the beginning but ended up thanking me for it. Talk to the school counciler and her teacher. See what everyone thinks is best and come up with a plan together
If she is handling the school work and education fine i wouldn’t worry about maturity to much
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This is the same post from person claiming her step daughter was masterbating
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imagine hitting puberty young ( might happen) AND being a year older than everyone. Thats a recipe for disaster. Girls are mean.
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Infront of HER daughter…
My Mom held me back in 5th grade after speaking with the teacher they both decided it was best for me!!! Speak with her teachers…
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As an educator, I would recommend against it since she’s already 9. If you were asking about a 5 or 6 year old then it might be more of an option to consider. Holding her back now will likely be more detrimental to her mental health and do more harm than good. Keeping her in therapy is the right route to take. Signing her up for clubs or teams is another good way for her to learn important character traits and to develop socially and emotionally. If you research the effects of retention you will find many scholarly, peer-reviewed studies that advise against it. Without knowing you and the entire situation, it sounds like you guys are doing everything right. She will grow and mature with continued love and support. Be open and honest with her teachers and they are likely going to be a big help in continuing that support at a school, no matter what grade she’s in.
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Does she have interest in sports or dance or art or music? I’d get her signed up for something and some confidence and an outlet might help. These activities also teach some responsibility etc.
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What 9 year old is mature 
Not to shock the shit out of you but when she’s about 16 you’ll be doing the same thing asking her to take the trash out over and over again.
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Ask the therapist express your concerns
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I am a high school teacher and I can promise you no child has ever died because of being kept back a year or even failing a year. If that is what is necessary to help her. Do it. Work together with her teachers and therapists to make an informed decision.
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I’m going to baby my kids no matter how old they are
A lot of stepmothers are not being a good step mothers and they’re blaming the other mother
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Is etiquette class still a thing?
Holding her back in school isn’t going to do anything but get her bullied which the school will do nothing about and most likely send her into a downward spiral. How about getting her structure and putting her in something she likes to do🙄
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I held my son back from going to kindergarten. He had above average I intelligence but lacked maturity. This was also recommended by the pre school he was in
Keeping her back isnt going to change her maturity level. If shes functioning fine in school let her be. Dont rush maturity. We all are different. Your definition of maturity is totally different than anothers. Let her be her own person dont try to force her to become “mature” how the world is today. My 17 yr old is well most would say not mature in their eyes because she doesnt have interest in dating, boys, make up etc she still likes barbies and just being her. Shes straight a student. And does well in school and she has friends who are on her level.
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Childhood Emotional Neglect
Adverse Childhood Experiences
Toxic Stress Syndrome
That child went thru a lot and probably will never be able to speak about it because it’s locked away in her subconscious. Sounds like she went thru some horribly damaging stuff during critical development stages. She will probably be behind but she can catch up with the right help and support. Just don’t give up on her.
Don’t be an evil step mother. I had one it’s very damaging.
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Speak with her school and see what services they may be able to assist with. Maybe a social group with a counselor twice a month, a 504 plan or IEP if qualified to assist her in joining her peers at her age.
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Ask the school psychologist for advice and whatever you do include her Father!
This actually happened to my friend. Her grades were ok, but she just wasn’t thriving. they held her back and with the help of the teacher and her parents she really thrives from there on.
Keep her in positive things like pioneer club awana club any Christian youth groups that are routine n supervised ;")
I’m not too sure how that would “help her” Everyone matures at a different rate.
If not much has been expected from her throughout the years then she’s given exactly what’s been asked. Then you add anything bad she’s been thru to the mix.
Maybe just start to slowly increase expectations with incentives. Kids in general like to earn things and like praise. Maybe she’s desperate for that.
Please don’t hold her back. That is the BIGGEST mistake my parents ever made. It will destroy her self esteem and leave her open for terrible bullying.
My sister did that with my nephew. He just wasn’t as mature as the other kids, the teacher recommended it. I didn’t see any negatives
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Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone can answer these types of things except professionals. No one knows her well enough to give any real sound advice.
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If she’s doing well in school and has okay relationships with her current peers, that’s probably not necessary and the kids are at an age now where they will be aware of it and (likely) critical of it. Social awareness is much greater now than in K or 1st grade. Focus on getting her additional supports and spending her time with great peer models in extracurricular or community activities. She will also see age appropriate behaviors modeled with those peers and with good therapeutic support she will eventually model those behaviors, too.
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I know someone who held back their kindergartner. Not because he didn’t pass, he thrived in the class, but he wasn’t ready to move up maturity wise. The extra year helped
I’d try Montessori parenting style
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My son didn’t have any kind of emotional or physical set backs but he wasn’t ready maturity to go on to 1st grade
He was at the bottom of the class with grades and holding him back was the best thing we did cause now he’s a sophomore and his grades have remained at the top.
It’s better to hold them back younger than when they get into middle school or even high school where kids are so mean
I know kids are mean at any age and find reason to be nasty but if you can avoid any of it
Talk to her counselor and tell them your concerns and even the teachers they may see the same things you see
Yes. I did exactly that with my oldest step son. His father and I signed off on him repeating kindergarten because when he was with his mom before we got full custody he was extremely babied to the point he had the maturity of a 3yr old (therapist observation. So after therapy and making him repeat kindergarten he is now where he should be maturity wise.
Yes I did! I left a toxic relationship and my son needed the extra time and now that I did he is excelling in 2nd grade. It helped soooo much .seriously if you think they need it stick with your gut and heart . Mommas know. If your questioning it then it probably is a good idea.
I held my son back because he was not mature enough…and alot of people I know hold their kids back in 1st grade to help them be better at school and be mature enough
We all will have deff opinions and explanations only you can make that decision! I respect everyone’s. So you know better than any of us.
There generally needs to be significant concerns both academically AND emotional maturity
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I’m right there with u
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal when they’re in Kindergarten or 1st grade but a 9 year old is too old to be held back, and old enough to resent the family for it and be embarrassed and be even less focused in school I think it could backfire at that age
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That didn’t help my friend’s son. He needed different tools to help him make better decisions. They’re now doing that & things are better. Talk to her therapist and see what they suggest. Ask her teachers what they think can help too.
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So your solution is to punish her for things that were beyond her control??? Makes zero sense!! Doesnt sound like you are even actually trying to help this poor child only trying to punish her and make it worse!!
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Yeah, a close friend of mines son was in my daughter’s grade in first grade and he did fine academically but wasn’t ready in his parents eyes to move forward even when the teacher thought he’d be ok. But he was supper hyper and even though he was passing he was struggling because he was goofing around and not focusing and so on so his parents had him repeat first grade so he’s now in my son’s grade and it helped him truamenously! They are now in third grade and he’s right where he should be. There is nothing wrong with holding them back to give them more time to catch up. Better now then having them struggle and the embarrassment of doing it later if they need it. And do what you think is right for her. Again this child’s teacher was going to pass him …you know your child and what’s better for them
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I have held back with recommendation from the teacher due to not being at level, mostly reading comprehension and I have no regrets
Unless there are poor grades alongside immaturity, I would advise AGAINST holding the child back. Talk to the teachers, apprise them of the situation, stay in regular contact with them and schedule lots of parent-teacher meetings… give the kid a stable nurturing environment, therapy, some grace, and time, things should improve… we held our oldest back @ 11yo but it was a mixture of poor grades, immaturity and bullying… she fits in with her new class like a duck in water lol…
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Yes it’s better to do it now while she’s young you wate to long she’ll be lost.
U sure dont sound like a good stepmom …there I sayd it.
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If her grades are okay, if she’s not having issues with school, if her teachers aren’t concerned on her education there is NO reason for her to be held back.
How about get her INVOLVED with after school things? Sports?
She’s 9 for gosh sake. What 9 year olds are “mature” for their age? She’s a kid. If the being babied is allowed to happen then it’s going to. So if dad’s taking part in her being babied it’s not going to stop with her being held back. How about working with her on things that she should be doing her self?
She was clearly exposed to some rough things, which can leave a traumatic impact on her. NOT her fault.
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As a therapist myself, the best advocate and ally you can have in this process is the child’s therapist. Request a session as parents with the therapist to discuss your concerns and get his/her feedback based on where you child is at emotionally.
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Unless the school or her therapist recommended it I would highly suggest NOT doing it because she’s old enough to remember it. She’s old enough for it to matter. She’s old enough to get bullied for it. And being bullied will cause even more issues with her mental state. So if it isn’t being reconvened I’d personally leave it be
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This just seems like a horrible idea if she doesn’t need it from a medical or educational standpoint
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She not only may need to be held back but she probably needs therapy more often, and evaluated for IEP, so that she can get BCT, OT, etc.
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I’d suggest enrolling her in a school program that gives them an hour or 2 of more focused learning as opposed to her being held back. It’s a much smaller group of kids and is kind of like a home studies type of scenario. It will help her catch up, maybe even get ahead of the game and she wont feel singled out amongst her peers. School children these days are harsh and wont let the hold back go unnoticed. Kids are ruthless in their taunting and I feel like it will only be more detrimental to hold her back a grade.
Talk with a school counselor about what programs they offer to catch up. Good luck.
Studies have shown being held back increases the risks of bullying and lowers self esteem as all the childs friends move up and they dont, word travels… most school wont hold back unless absolutely necessary and recommend repeating that year in a new school for a fresh start and the other kids wont know they repeated. It also goes on the age and year of child too as holding back they may be too old for the class.
Before repeating the year id look into other options to help cope such as after school learning activities
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So we’re taking her to therapy because she’s been exposed to ADULT things like porn, drugs and non supervision…but we’re concerned she’s too babied? Can someone help me understand?
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Can someone also please help me understand what anything in the initial part of the question has to do with the question itself, or was that just to establish an already negative view of stepdaughter? I mean, I need a more detailed explanation of “she doesn’t do anything for herself.” Is that academically? At home? Is she failing her grade?
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Regardless…”You’re in 4th grade. You’re going to stay in 4th grade and hang out with the babies since you want to act like one” just doesn’t sound like a good reason to me. As a matter of fact, I think you should probably try bonding with your stepdaughter more and trying to understand her more than institutionalizing the problem. Does that make sense? Do I only make sense to me? Lmao maybe I’m crazy idk
Edit** also, if your concern is that serious, I’m sure this is a sign of some sort of learning disability. Take her to a doctor.
I’m trying my hardest to understand both the stepmom and the LG side of the story, because I was once, too, a stepmom. I’m curious as if to the Dad doesn’t discipline the daughter in the right way so she has to ask over and over again? Maybe that’s what she means? Idk I’m just so confused lol.
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My mother held me back a year on purpose and I have never forgiven her so do what you will with that .
Momma, to help the child, help yourself.
Go get educated in the therapy you’re sending her to so you can apply skills at home. No medicine unless it’s crisis or preventative, DBT Therapy and open, communication. Don’t treat her like she’s not been through those things, she has a knowledge of them and that has to be respected and she will respect you for helping her instead of doing what you think is best for her without her consent.
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When I was in 5th grade (so slightly older), there was a guy in my class, who was extremely immature. He was held back a year and in my class again the following year. For the first half of the year, he was teased horribly and it always followed him that he was the kid who was too stupid to move to the next grade (even though that wasn’t why he was held back). So I would say dont do it, both from experience that and as a mom. Kids mature at all different levels. Maybe ask the therapist for other intervention ideas? My son sees a behavioral therapist to help so he isnt just talking, they look at behavioral modifications too. Or maybe sports where she can watch and learn from others and gain independence? Does she do chores? If not, that may help with creating responsibility and accountability. Everyone matures differently, give her some time and support her.
Listen to the professionals in your corner. Therapists…teachers…find time to speak with them without your SD present, if you haven’t already. Remember our children turn into little butterflies when we aren’t around. (You’ve been in her life 8 years? She might as well be yours lol) I have a 9 year old who acts one way with me at home but entirely different when she is at school. Voice your concerns but trust the pro’s you have in your corner. I admire the fact that you care this much. She is a lucky little girl!
If she is going to a specialized Therapist weekly, I would discuss the situation with the Therapist… I would not be asking strangers that are not specialists and have no details to the type of trauma this child has endured… Just my opinion…
Kayla Marie has some good advice. You might also speak with the counselors at the school you send her to perhaps and IEP can review what she needs to learn and pick her up. And that keeps your on track and monitored with professionals. I would probably try that versus holding her back unless you put her in another school cuz there’s always a stigma with that no matter how you try to frame it
If she has special needs, she may not even understand shes being held back. People will say “don’t hold them back, blah blah blah” but in my opinion, she’ll be bullied for not being “smart” so either way, it can go sour. I rather my kid be held back and thank me when shes older because she got that extra time to refresh her memory. Some kids need it and it’s not a bad thing in the long run.
At the age of nine that would be embarrassing for her. You are already doing everything else right with getting full custody secured and having her see a therapist. All you need to do is be patient and nurturing, if she is behind, teach her and behave exactly how you want her to behave. She will look at you as her main female roll model on how to behave now so get educated. Now that she is in stable environment and getting the specialized care that she needs she will begin to blossom and catch up in her own time. My step children also went through some trauma and I hit the books hard, there are a lot of great books and online material on how to help children with anxiety, ADHD, how to heal from a NPD upbringing and productive step parenting. Good luck