How can I make my stepkids more comfortable?

What do I do about my stepkid telling me they don’t belong with us, and that they belong with mom? To preface we are non custodial, and visit with the stepkid are off and on more than not due to medical emergencies on mom’s end. Court isn’t an option, we aren’t trying to traumatize the kid, but what can we do to make them feel more comfortable with us? We don’t want gaurdianship, we don’t want to uproot them from their home that they have known for so long, but we want them to feel just as happy and comfortable with us as they do mom. Any advice? Thank you!

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I make my stepkids more comfortable? - Mamas Uncut

Sometimes those words are put into their mouths by a bitter parent unfortunately

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How old are the kids?
Continuously tell them how glad you are that they are there. Shower them with love, smiles, and hugs.
If old enough, talk to them. Ask how can we help make you feel welcome?
Plan family days or nights.

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Find ways to bond with them

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Takes time…especially if dad hasn’t been super involved. Try not to take offense and just keep trying. Once they know you truly want to be present in their lives, they’ll open up more and let their guards down. It’s important to remember that it’s about them, not your expectations or wants. Be consistent and give them grace.

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Stop calling them step-kids for a start.

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Be consistent in his life. So he can depend on you.

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:thinking: Start by not referring to them as
"the step kids " :unamused::roll_eyes: maybe ask them this question. Ask your children what would make them more comfortable/more welcome!? Be reassuring and let them know you love them, you’re there for them, if they ever need to talk and if they come to you; don’t judge them. Earn their trust. Do activities together. Be consistent. If they play sports or other activities show up and cheer for them.be there for them even outside of your time with them.

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Time and love them through it.

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I think the mere fact you are asking this question shows great maturity and that you will succeed. I would say just talk to them, let them know what is going on. If there can be choices involve them in that. Just listening means a lot to kids!

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Time… and patience. Words are words but u keep reassuring them regardless and u show them.

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Do activities with them. Let them pick the activities. Involve them in making dinner or lunch make it optional like only if they want to. Have them bring some toys and stuffed animals and things that smells like their other home and a t-shirt that smells like their mom put it in their beds. It will help.

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For starters, start spending time with the kids on a regular basis. Regular visitation instead of mom’s medical emergencies. They don’t feel like they belong because they don’t know either of you. Start taking an active role in these kids lives.

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If mom is sock alot, they may feel responsible for her. Being with you makes them feel guilty.
That’s normal. Ensure you tell them you miss them, you’re happy they’re there and find things you can talk about like “I saw this the other day and I thought of you!”
Talk to them when they aren’t with you. Even if they don’t always reciprocate, text them. Email them. Leave a voice mail. Regular visitation is important so if you don’t have it setup, do so in court. Most states have parenting plans, find out what yours is and use it.
Include them in plans when they visit. Dinner, going out, etc. Let them decorate their space. Bedding, lamps, curtains, blinds, etc. Let them “own” their space and respect it.
Most importantly, just be there. They’ll come around. If you feel it’s deeper than that, speak with a child therapist.

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Have you asked the kid what is making them so uncomfortable? You say mom frequently has health issues, maybe the problem isn’t you at all. Maybe the child feels they need to be close to mom since she’s sick a lot. Talk to them kids will tell you lots of stuff. If you can address their concerns and fears you can help them feel safe and comfortable.

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How old are the kids?? You need to interact with the kids. Why does the Dad not see them on a regular basis? That’s an issue as well. They need their time to spend with the Dad to get close to him. If he only see them here and there, how does he expect to get close?? You won’t unless you get on a steady routine of have the children.

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This is going to sound odd, but it works! Get them to make dinner when they’re over next, anything they want to, anyway they want to… they have yo scour THEIR kitchen for any pots, pans, utensils they need, they need to serve dinner on THEIR table which they set up themselves, and then you do the washing up whilst they sit in THEIR sitting room eating desert and watching what they want o TV in THEIR house… it works everytime for our Foster kids… and then make a huge fuss of them afterwards… thanks, congratulations, etc. Don’t help them with finding anything, just tell them to “have a look, you’ll find it”. Honestly, it works like a charm! Keep doing this once every visit and they will just get used to it xx

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Treat them like your own kids

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“You belong wherever you choose to belong. You don’t need to pick between here or at mom’s; both are your home and you can belong in both. You are welcome and loved here, and nothing can change that” :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::two_hearts:

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Sounds like the kids feel like they have to take care of their mom who seems sick a lot from what you’re saying. And of course the kids won’t be comfortable with you guys since you guys only see them off and on smh. Sounds like the dad doesn’t really want to be involved much since it’s not on a regular basis.

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I kept telling my son it’s ok to have two homes, and even more to miss his mom. Then express how you guys also miss him, and that wherever you guys are is their home also. My son had an issue going to his dads and always made it a habit to say he didn’t like it over there, which I knew to be untrue. It’s almost as if he felt like it would be betrayal for him to express his fun. But now at 9 years old he has got to the part where I’ve told him enough times both are his homes and it’s ok to have fun with his dad and step mom. It takes time, my son was in counseling from a very young age for having separation anxiety from me. So that didn’t help. Keep faith

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Hug them daily and often. Reassure them they are wanted ,needed and loved. I’ve been there too. I always called them my children. It would anger one and I tried to accommodate her by doing as she requested. I found that praying with them helped. Studying the Bible with them also helped. Board games , family movie night. Maybe go to a skateboard park, or a picnic at a park. and have fun. Take them fishing or camping. Enjoy your time together. Include them in everything. Fun doesn’t mean spending lots of money. Fix it decorate their rooms like they choose. That way they are comfortable enough to rest when they sleep. Do crafts together. Just basically show them they are important and you are there to take care of them. It will take time. Be patient and understanding. Let them know you understand their situation and want to help them cope with it. God bless.

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All you can do is be there for them
…let them come around when they feel is safe on their own terms with their hearts. Sooner or later they will be able to feel it!:heart:

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Not sure how old they are but try getting on a more regular schedule. Some of my kids go to their dad’s house- it needs to not disrupt their life. For example if they have basketball practice, you take them there. Or if they got invited to birthday party- you take them. Also, try talking to them. Saying something along the lines of what you said to us. “We just want to be a part of your life.how can we make this better?”

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I visited my dad rarely but, when I did, my stepmom treated me just like the rest of their kids and she did not allow anyone to use the term step-brother/sister or half-brother/sister. I was the oldest girl and my siblings were always delighted to see me. With all that being said, I was never comfortable there and always got homesick. It had absolutely nothing to do with my stepmom, my dad, or my siblings. It was all on me and nothing anyone could have done or said would have changed it. There were 8 of us (6 still living).

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Wherever home is will always feel more comfortable. Instead of trying to be comparable be different. Treat it like a getaway or vacay for them. Lots of memory making especially since y’all don’t have them a lot.

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you tell them exactly what you just said here

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Why do you not have the child regularly? Establish a routine with the kids, it’s SO important!

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What kind of medical issues? Like the kids medical issues? Because if it’s the kids medical issues and those issues are serious enough and frequent enough to cancel visitation, then y’all should be right there along with bio-mom! If it’s bio-moms health issues, y’all should be the ones stepping in to care for the children while she goes through whatever it is she’s going through.

Court is an option. That doesn’t traumatized the children, that just sets a guideline for custody and visitation.

You want the kids to be more comfortable, you and dad need to be more consistent!

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Number1, this is not your business, it’s the dad’s, it says alot about the father when the step moms post about step kids. You almost never see a post from a step dad. Make him deal with this situation. I’m pretty sure we’re missing some important details.

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I have 2 bonus daughters - to begin it was new to us all. We was all a little quiet an unsure. I got alot of help from their bio mum… I then made time with both bonus girls and my daughter all 4 of us and had girl days ext. Now My daughter and my bonus girls r inseparable xx

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You gotta be more consistent. I think that’ll be key. When you see small opportunities to bond, jump on it. We get my bonus babies 3 weekends out of the month and if they have any time off of school we have them half of that time. And do every other holidays. Get them their own stuff that is theirs when they’re there. All my kiddos love soft blankets so they each have their own that’s theirs to use. That way it doesn’t feel like they’re using other peoples stuff. Make space for them in your home. Toys, clothes, etc. Don’t be afraid to just do lazy days, because that’s what you do when it’s your home right? And time, it takes a lot of time and consistency. It’s been 6 months of us being back in the same state as my bonus babies and they’re finally starting to be much more comfortable in dads home. We also make sure that calls to mom are always encouraged if they’re missing her and that it’s definitely ok to miss her. I try to keep snacks I know they like in the house as well.

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Let them pick out decorations for their room to make it like they want

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u can do court with iut traumatizing…its called keepin them outta it. id do court. that way mom cant say no

I’ve no experience of step children but I did have my sons friend more often than he was home lol. I just treated him as I did my son. He was shown where everything was kept , given the run of the house and told the house rules. If he needed a hug…he got a hug. If he needed yelled at he got that too . It took a few visits but he soon settled down and stopped feeling like a visitor .
Kids need routine. They need to know whats happening in their lives. If its possible to meet with bio mom and set proper visitation it will help them .

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think you all got great answers. but having been stepparent myself I know the bond between a mom and her children it’s a very strong. so whatever the issues are the dad and the mom needs to convey to children what’s really going on. you just have to be supportive and hope that whatever advice you might have and dad will take. basically this is a mom and dad situation and they’re the only ones that can really resolve hang in there or stepmom but don’t be surprised if you feel left out that’s just nature.

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Honestly it’s probably the mom that’s putting these ideas in the child’s head…. Had these same issues with my stepdaughter telling us that we just don’t love her, that she should be with her mom all the time, that she doesn’t like being/belong with us….it (I can assume) was all about her mother being jealous and feeding her ideas that we were bad and she was an angel. When I’m fact it was (and still is) the exact opposite

If you “don’t want to uproot them from their home that they have known for so long”, why are they with you?

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Have casual conversations with them, take them out and get them things for the house that will be there’s for when they come over, let them help decorate around the house (throw blanket, kitchen towel, anything really) ask their opinion on things like you would your own children. Try a more consistent schedule, let them know you are there for them at anytime.

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Tell them that. We’re not replacing mom. We care. We want you comfortable here. Course it’s not a motel or maid service. Movie night with popcorn. Yes those old corny board games.

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  1. Talk to them? Ask them what they need from dad and you.
  2. Call/text whatever while they’re at moms house. Even if it’s just to ask about how a test or a project went. It’s important that they know y’all think about them when they’re not there.
  3. Make the effort to involve them in stuff. Ask their opinion on things. Ask for Thier “help”…like if you’re cooking have them help you by keeping you company or reading something off.
  4. Take an interest in their interests…if they like (for example) sharks…do a shark week marathon one time when they’re over. Or if they’re into video games ask them to teach you.

Also keep in mind…Having a parent with health issues can be a lot for anyone (even adults), and it’s possible that what they really mean is that they miss their mom.
And to that end? Be a listening ear and comforting shoulder. Let them text/call mom, if possible.
Offer to don’t make them ask.

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Let them help pick stuff for their room, take turns picking dinners (include them in decisions). Treat all kids equal.

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It’s just going to take time. Keep showing them how much you love and care for them and want them to be happy there

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Treat them like you would treat your biological children. When you schedule outings try to schedule when they will be there. Have their favorite foods in the house. But also remember don’t kiss their ass to make them like you. Be loving but also be firm. Of course if you’re easy going with your own kids then be easy going with the step because it wouldn’t be fair

I would ask them. Tell them your intentions and how you feel about them and ask them how they feel. Have a dialouge. They’ll let you know what they need

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First off sit them down and talk with them. Let them know you are their friend and realize they aren’t your kids. But no matter what happens in life - your are there for them. You must promise to be honest and visa versa. Other than that it will just take time, good communication, and patience. :heart::v:t4::rose:

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Making sure you have open & positive communication with mom is a plus. Make sure they have their own “space” at your place, so they don’t feel like visitors that you have to make adjustments for every time they come stay. Ask them what would make them feel comfortable at your place.

It will take time for them to feel comfortable with you, but over time, they will. Consistency is valuable … making sure that you try to adhere to whatever schedule they follow at mom’s house … bed time, bath time, curfew, etc., is important.

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I was one of those kids, make sure they have their own space, do not go thru their stuff.fix foods they like and tell them how glad you are to see them,remind them it’s a second home, and do not criticize them

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then I would explain to that kid or kids, no they don’t belong to you, but they belong to dad & their mom. That you are a bonus mom if they ever need you. And that won’t mean their mommy won’t love them any less

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  1. Always be age appropriate honest.
  2. Never talk poorly abt tbe other parent in front of or where the child can hear or really at all if possible.
  3. Be consistent with rules and structure.
  4. Let them have friends over so they feel its similar to the moms house.

Maybe remind them that mom has to concentrate on her doctors and what she needs to do to get well, so it’s wonderful they can stay with y’all so she isn’t worrying about them right now too. Instead of feeling like they need to be with her, maybe they’ll feel like they’re doing what they need to do for their mom to get better.

Also talk with the mom about what she tells the kids & her prognosis. Maybe explain a little bit about mom’s illness so they’ll understand a bit and not make up horrible scenarios in their heads. Remind them that it’s just what mom has & they didn’t cause it, they can’t do anything about it, but by staying with y’all she has the time & space to heal, so they are helping her that way. It’s scary to have a sick mom.

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How old are the children? Ask them. Reassure them that your home is their home and you want them to feel comfortable. Stay in touch while they are with their mother. Never bad mouth their mother. Love them

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They it’s tough. You do what you can but you also realize- that’s on your husband it doesn’t sound like he has the bond with them That she has and as step mom it’s not your fight. You guys can plan fun things while they are with you- dad has to participate. It all really comes down to dad.

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Just talk to them and ask them what would make them feel comfortable with your home

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Their own room would be nice, (I know you live with your Mom…but we’re really happy when you come to see your Dad.)…go to the store and buy them some of their favorite food for the pantry… Have a TV. Put in their room with games and make sure they have their own toothbrush and paste…

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Be a friend to their mom. If they see mom being comfortable with you, they will feel more comfortable