I could really use some advice here. My hubby was adopted as a baby and grew up with amazing parents. Thankfully we still have his dad but lost his mom just over a year ago. His parents always made it clear they would support any decision he made about reaching out to his birth parents. After losing his mom, he did reach out to the agency, and we’re in the process of making contact with his birth mother. It started as a search so we could get an accurate medical history due to his medical issues. Slowly it’s become a bit more, and that worries me. Part of it is selfish bc I loved my MIL and couldn’t have hand-picked a more loving grandma for our boys, but that’s my own to bear. I’m so afraid he’ll build up a perfect idea of what will come and be hurt. He’s the type to hide his emotions, but we know each other too well for me not to see it. If anyone has been through this, can you share any tips on how to best support him right now? He’s been my rock through so much, and I want to be his. I’ve never had experience with a situation like this. Please understand I’m not at all against his decision, but I do want to be as prepared as possible.
Just be there for him. That’s all you can do. You cannot change whatever is bound to happen, so be there
Coming from someone who is adopted I met my birth dad and it couldnt have gone better. However, my birth mother is someone I am going to distance myself forever as she is a drug addict. What my advice is be there every way you can and prepare for any mental or emotional backlash that might happen. Please just be supportive of this for him and he will love you more for it I promise.
If it was me I’d sit back follow his lead always reassure him and when he needs you you’ll be waiting. All you can do. And don’t judge them before him. He’ll figure things out himself.
As someone who is adopted all you can do is be there let him come to you but also keep checking in with him ask him if he’s ok listen to what he says and how he feels but he also needs time to wrap his head around a lot of thing try to be postive and like some oone else said let him form his own opnion of his parents good luck and I hope all goes well your doing great! Just keep being there for him
Just be there for him if it goes great be happy with him if it doesn’t go great for him be his rock to lean on
Let him take the lead. He may feel a lot of mixed emotions. He may be scared of being rejected again, which unfortunately is common with adoptees. Let him process the reunion. Don’t push him.
As an adopted child who has known my birth mother since I was a preteen but just recently at 29 met my birth father, just be there. Nothing you say or do will make a difference until he makes his own opinions. My family all warned me that I was going to get my heart broken and I was stubborn and didn’t listen. I threw myself head first into creating a relationship with a man who hadn’t cared about me or my other bio siblings for 26 years. It was good until it wasn’t. I wasn’t the perfect child because I still loved my adopted parents and that wasn’t ok for him. I was a liar about losing a pregnancy and all these things. I was also in the midst of a divorce but my soon to be ex husband never left my side through it. Even with our problems, he was there to listen when I was ready. Put your feelings for your MIL to the side, but also let him know you’d prefer if your kids didn’t call her grandma if that’s something you’re concerned with. It’s your life and your kids lives on the line as well. Just don’t try to persuade him in one direction or the other until he makes a decision on his own.
I never knew my mom growing up. And I met her when I was 18 or 19 in person. My best friend was my biggest support during the time, and overall, it was really awkward. Especially after she first told me she loved me. I’ve never been able to tell my mom I love her back, but I know she gave me up to my grandma, because deep down, she couldn’t correctly care for me, and I know that must have been a really hard decision to make. But overall, just support him, be there for him, let him vent, reassure him. Let him come to you. And don’t pressure him if he doesn’t.
Maybe start therapy together. And when birth parents are found join them in on it. That way you can talk about things in a good setting with a 3rd party that can help
Just being available to him not just in his physical space but emotionally and willing to take the time to check in on how he is processing really helps. I have found that sometimes just being honest with them that it’s okay to just word vomit with you if that’s what he needs. Don’t be scared to tell him I want to support you what can I do to make sure your getting that from me. Good luck as a fellow adoptee!!!
I have my son up for adoption … I was 16. I was contacted after a DNA kit was given to him by his daughter to xmas. We had a brief message exchange through Facebook…followed by a very long phone call. We have yet to meet in person but share our lives with pictures.chats.video s and occasionally by phone. So happy he contacted me! I always wondered how he was…if he was happy. Now I know I made the right choice!
Just be there without a negative opinion. Let him know this is about him first and whatever he decides is okay with you. You want to be his safe haven if this doesn’t go well and you can’t be if you are not supportive. This isn’t something you get to decide on. It’s his birth mother. He has questions and at a minimum wants to make peace with the situation.
First, your love and consideration for your spouse is really clear in your post and that is such a beautiful thing to me. I love it.
My experience is not quite what your husbands is but does bear some similarity. I never knew my bio father and was adopted by my stepdad when I was still a babe. It was never kept from me but I had no interest in finding my bio dad after the stories I’d heard. I discovered at 18 that I had an older half sister who I reached out to via social media. We are now very close but that’s a different tale. Because she had the misfortune of being raised by our father she still had ties to him and he ultimately reached out to me. I was curious but not eager. It wasn’t until a couple years after his first contact that I finally voiced feelings I didn’t even know I harbored against him. I was already married at that point and more than anything I just needed my husband to be there. I needed him to hold me when those very real feelings of loss and abandonment washed over me. I needed reassurance that he too wouldn’t leave.
I’d venture to guess that your husband is curious but if his mother was as sweet and loving as she sounds, he’s not looking to replace her. In fact he might be afraid of this woman doing just that! He’s probably feeling protective of his parents and of you and your kids. She is a stranger after all. He may have some feelings of abandonment that he wasn’t even aware he had, and especially after recently losing his mom those might bubble to the surface. Just weather the storm with him if they do.
Just be there for him, like you already seem to be. Love him through this. Reassure him that you’re there no matter what he decides and that he is the one in control. Also be prepared that she may not pursue contact. He might hit a dead end there which may make him feel cheated and like she’s robbing him of that control. He may feel he somehow is damaged or not good enough so you’ll have to remind him that he is.
Hang in there both of you.
My hubby is adopted. We found his bio mom and dad on ancestry.com. his dad is funny and an awesome pawpaw. His mother rejected him and wants nothing to do with him. I could see the pain. Shes trash anyways but at least we got crazy ol pawpaw. Hubby was 38 when he found his bio parents.
My husband is adopted. We found some of his biological family using 23 and me. It didn’t go well for my husband. He always thought he was taken from his mom by the state when he was 2. It turns out, his mom voluntarily gave him to the state and did not want him. That was a hard pill for him to swallow. He found a biological sister who lived with their mother all her childhood and their mother was awful and the sister went through some horrendous things growing up. Bad enough that it seems he is actually the lucky one and dodged a bullet. He took it so hard for awhile, that I felt terrible for persistently encouraging him to find out where he came from, but eventually he moved on. He also found a couple of his mom’s sisters who cried a river of happy tears to be reunited with him. So it wasn’t all bad, but I feel like at the end of the day he wishes he would have just left it alone.
Hope it works out better for your hubby.
I am a birth mom.
I have always had contact with my son and his family. Your husband is a grown man now. It makes me wonder why he was never looked for.
Prepare him to be let down, hurt, ignored and heartbroken.
If they met and things went great, that’s awesome!
I just personally don’t understand how a birth mom can go an entire lifetime without looking
Prepare for the worst , pray for the best
Being on the other end of this an being a birth mother, call and Facebook before a face to face. Try and get to know each other a little bit and it’s good to have expectations but remember not everyone is going to be what you want.
As far as the two of you go, let him take the lead. As far as his birth mother goes, he needs to let her take the lead. I have a half brother that I found about a year and a half ago and I let him take the lead on when/if we should meet. We have not met yet, but we have talked and I have answered questions for him about his birth father (my dad). I was also in contact with his birth mother during my search and helped facilitate their initial contact. It’s a very tricky and emotional road, and every person will have different feelings based on their circumstances. Just tell him you are there for him in whatever capacity he needs, and you support whatever decision he makes.
Just be there! My cousin went through a rough meeting with his birth mother and just the family that picked him being there was the best thing.
Meeting my birth family as a huge mistake
Ours was so positive
Get him the dna kit we went through ancestry to find out more about our family
Your MIL will always be his mom. For what ever reason his bio-mom gave up her child and gave another woman the opportunity to be his mom. Hopefully it was a loving act and your hubby gets a loving bio-mom who just wants to love him. No one can have enough people to love them, not your hubby or his bio-mom. Loving another does not take away from loving his mom, our hearts are designed to have a lot of love to give.
I found my biological father at 34… one thing I suggest is keep YOUR emotions out of it. Let him process as he feels, do not push. Yes he may get hurt (I did) but he has probably wondered his whole life why he wasn’t wanted by the bio. Let him get that closure one way or another. I was raised by an amazing man, who will always be my pop, but I am thankful to finally be able to fill in that missing part. He may meet and want nothing more, or he may find he wants a relationship of some form. Let him take the lead. The emotions he will go thru are hard. Just be an ear.
As a woman who had to give a child up for adoption, my 2 cents is, just be there and support him. My decision was in the best interest of the child, a selfless loving act can be all it was.
Just be there for him and support his decisions. No matter how things turn out…she’s still the one who gave Birth to him and that connection never goes away…even if she’s a perfect person or not.
My situation was that I was an affair child and lied to about who my dad was for 22 years. I went through some major medical issues and found out by the doctor telling me my supposed full blood siblings were not donor matches. I looked for and found my bio dad and his 2 sons. Biggest mistake I ever made. I was better off not knowing.
My husband stood by me though it all,expressing his honest opinion and reasoning behind it, all while making clear his love and support was not attached to any decisions I made about my bio dad situation.
As a mother who has gone though this BEST ADVICE JUST BE THERE WITH NO JUDGEMENT.Do NOT push him to open up because he will when he ready
Everyone has good advice, I understand the selfishness from a different stand point. My uncle was adopted at an infant by my family, he started his search and found his biological mother, still to this day I haven’t met her because everytime she tags him in something it’s always “her son”. I don’t know it’s a indifferent feeling. I understand she gave birth to him but my grandparents raised him and it feels as if she’s always just trying to take back what is hers so to speak.
I was found by my adopted daughter 10 years ago we just got to know each other casually over time we are very happy and can talk about the situation she accepts me and we have a good relationship the rest of my family have enjoyed knowing her also and her children also know me as Grammy
My mom was forced to put my eldest brother up for adoption in 1982. She loved him, and wanted to keep him but couldn’t. Now with things going on medical wise with my mom, she wishes nothing more than to find him once more. And to be honest, I’d love to meet my big brother too.
I say go and find his mom. I don’t think she would have any intention to “replace” his other mom, but to add to the family. I think if she also wishes to be in his life, I don’t think she’d expect everyone to call her mom or grandma right off the bat without everyone being comfortable about it first. It takes time to be embraced and accepted like that in a family.
Honestly, being there when he meets her will help. You have a good relationship so express your concerns. Expect the unexpected. I was there when an ex met his birth mom. Everything was great for 2 days, then she went crazy. We weren’t expecting that… Hopefully he will have the mindset of getting the info and open to friendship but not Expect it. I wish you all the best. My mom was adopted out and I met her mom before she passed and she opened her arms up, her father didn’t want to meet me in person. My mom never got to meet them. They passed away… It happens communication is key! I wish you the best and hope to read how it went