How can I talk to my grandma without hurting her feelings?

Hello. I need Advice about my mom, ever since I was little my mom never really took care of me it was always my grandparents. If they asked her for money for me for clothes for school, she always complained. When I was little, she would always tell my siblings she hated me and that I was her least favorite child. I used to feel like a burden to her, and it stuck with me for a long time. Now I am an adult with a family of my own, and I do not have a relationship with my mother, but I frequently talk to my grandmother on the phone, and sometimes when I talk to her, my mother is in the background. The last few times, when I have been on the phone with my grandma, my mom refers to my daughter as her grandchild and constantly says how is my granddaughter, and it makes me uncomfortable because she has never met my daughter and she has never apologized for things in the past. Now every time I talk to my grandma, she is constantly trying to pressure me to talk to my mother; it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to call my grandmother anymore because I know it won’t stop…also my grandmother always defends my mother’s actions…I want to tell my grandmother it makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings


You are all adults, just tell her how you feel. If she can’t respect that, I wouldn’t call her anymore. I don’t keep people in my life who can’t respect the healthy boundaries I have set for my family and myself. Though sometimes this hurts me more than it hurts them, self care is necessary for a happy, peaceful life.


Is this the grandma that took care of you?

If you have a hard time expressing it them then I would write it in a letter. Then you can get everything out without anyone trying to defend the other person.


Just flat out tell her.
My mom left my brother and I when I was 3 then I turned 21 and all of a sudden she shows up out of no where and expects me to call her mom :joy: I just had my 2nd baby and she calls them her grandchildren. I ignore it but my kids dont see her #1 because she is an absolute stranger to me. Any conversation with her is short and bland so I havent gotten to know her in the last 6 years. #2 she is in Germany so I’m not making the trip there…

You have boundaries and they are your kids speak up mama


I would say something like Grandma I still have a lot of hard feelings about how my mom treated me as a child. I’m trying to work through them but it still hurts when you talk about her. Please dont. I love you and thank you for all the love and care you gave me but she still hurts my heart.


Did your mom have mental issues? Keep in mind, that’s your grandma’s daughter. Of course she wanting peace.
You should talk to her and ask, why was my mom mean to me? Theres probably more to the story that you dont know.


You need to just be honest with your grandmother, she should understand cuz she knows your situation. Your mother lost all parental/grandparentalprivileges rights.


I am in a similar situation. Be open with your grandma. You do not owe your mother a single thing including a title. My mother calls and talks to my grandma off and on. I dont get it because my grandma that I love dearly is my dad’s mom. Anyways, my grandma knows exactly how I feel about my mother knowing ANYTHING about my children and she respects my privacy. Be firm. I never let up but I also have 0 contact with my mother for years now.

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I too am the least favorite child and have always been treated like dirt by my mother… Just here to say you’re not alone and I know how much it sucks. I had to block my mom and anyone who “takes her side” out of my life. It’s literally the only thing that brought me peace. You gotta get rid of the toxic people in your life and those who aren’t willing to understand that there are TWO sides to every story. Sounds like Grandma is only hearing your mom’s side. When it comes to your grandmother, she needs to understand and respect that you do not want your mom involved in your conversations with her. If she can’t at least give you that then you may have to cut ties for your own sake.

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You are a adult, tell your grandmother you want nothing to do with your mom. Plain & simple


Just want to say, you are not alone.
I’ve had to leave my family behind due to the parental issues.


Sometimes you have to not be around the people you love in order to be progressive.
You have to atleast tell your grandma how you feel. Give her a chance to respect your feelings or not. Then you will know how to proceed.


I would say I love you grandma and appreciate that you were the mother she didn’t want to be but because of that I have no interest in having a relationship with her. I hope that you understand and respect my feelings about my a woman who was just an egg donor while you were a real mother to me.


I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings. But you have to just tell her how you feel. You’re an adult. If you don’t want to speak to your mother, you shouldn’t have to. I am in the same boat. My mamaw and some other family members push me to talk to my “mom” but I refuse. She hasn’t been around for over half of my life. If you’re not comfortable with it, then let her know. Tell her you’re not trying to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad. But you’re just not comfortable talking to her when she is around.

Your mother is still
Ur grandmothers child. It’s in her nature to want to see the best of her cause some time the truth is too painful. U don’t need to reach out to your mother, but always keep
I’m contact with your grandmother. She was there when no one else was. Just be a little patient. Sometimes when we understand the actions it makes it easier to deal with them. Sending love!


Just tell your grandma how you feel

I would just tell your grandma that she’s your mother and you don’t wish to speak to her

Better to be straight forward then to beat arou d the bush. Just let her know and don’t be sorry for feeling the way u do.

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Be honest it’s your life. Your grandmother can handle it she has dealt with harder things in life.

Only get one mum,express your true feelings to her and let it go and go forth.Ive held so much sadness most of my life at family members who have wronged me and i was i forgave them,spoke to them and found that i felt so much better.i dont hate them but i still have them as family.she is also your grandmothers daughter and your grandmother would hurt surprised what the gift of a grandchild can heal.wish you well

I am a grandmother and raised 3 or my grandchildren.their mother is my ex daughter in-law I’ve always wanted them to have a relationship with their mother and father but i also let them make up their on mined.just talk too her she will understand cause she already know who you feel .she probably just want peace in the family . just be honest with her

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It’s up to you who you allow in your life. Your mother doesn’t sound like someone who ever cared before, and you don’t owe her anything.

Tell your grandma that you have no intentions or reconciling with your mother and you would like her to stop asking. Find out from her when you can call without your mother in the backround

You need to open up and tell your grandma that you are uncomfortable and you won’t be talking to her while your mother is there! If your mother was that toxic to you she will probably be the same with your daughter.

Your grandmother is probably just wishing her family was all in harmony


Lol you need to let the fears go and. Tell her straight up. Period.

What about YOUR feelings girl !! X

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Tell your grandmother that you love her and want to continue your relationship with her but that you cant have negative people in your life anymore since your child comes first. Let her know that just hearing your mother’s voice gives you depression and you can’t be depressed around your child so you can’t call your grandmother unless your mother is not mother is not there or she makes the effort to repair the damage she’s caused you. Perhaps write a letter if you can’t form the words in person. I dont speak to basically my entire dads side of family because they bring up horrible memories and aren’t loving people at their core.

What the he’ll put on your big girl pants on and move on even if she says sorry it won’t change a thing it’s forced and your grandmother was there for you so I’m sure you can put up with a few words you don’t like from her

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Own it !!! Tell your obviously awesome gram how you feel! “She makes me uncomfortable and I don’t even know her. I want to talk to you… my daughter is so cute/ big/ amazing you wouldn’t believe it! Call me when you have some time without her, love you …bye” that’s it.

I had the same problem years ago and I finally told my grandmother that I was calling to speak to HER not my Mother and if I want to talk to my Mom, then I would call her or she could call me too. My Grandmother just chuckled…she lived with us when I was a teen and she knew how my Mom treated me but it seemed everytime I called, my Mom was visiting her…so I made sure that Mom wasn’t there when I called from then on and my Grandmother started calling me when Mom wasn’t there. That way, there were no hurt feelings for Grandma or me and neither one of gave a crap about how my Mom felt.

I would tell your grandma that if she keeps bring up you mom that you will stop calling. That if she wants to maintain a relationship with you she will stop trying to get you to make amends with your mom. Tell her it’s her choice because you have already made up your mind. And if she chooses to not let it go, then that is on her.

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Be gentle, but just tell her the truth about how you feel. Explain to her that as far as you’re concerned she is your children’s only grandmother and that you consider HER to be your mom.
And tell your mother that she never wanted you when you were a kid, so there’s no need to give herself the title of “grandmother”… that honor belongs to the woman who raised you


Don’t be the one to pass it on - be a good mother to your daughter and ignore the problems with your mother and grandmother! Your actions will speak louder than any words!

Need to grow a set be an adult and simply tell her due to yourmoms actions as a child you don’t want a relationship with her. You do not want to talk to her and you dont appreciate her referencing to your own daughter. And that if it continues conversations will have to cease until they can honor your wishea


Try to talk to your grandma by explaining that you have always felt she was momma to you cause your bio mom did not want you and made no secret of her feelings. Then explain how uncomfortable it is making you feel that she is trying to force a reconciliation between you and your mom. That may or may not happen but she cannot make it happen - it is between you and your mom. Tell grandma you love her and how grateful you are that she was there for you. Good luck.

First off I can understand how that your mothers actions towards you as a child could have devastated you and your grandmother filled in the void and now seems like your momma. I understand that .thank god for grammas .however grandma should not make you feel obligated to communicate with your bio mother .trust is earned . it is yp to you to talk to bio mom if you choose to do so . talk to gram and let her know that she is making you feel very uncomfortable .

Be honest with your grandma :heart: take her out for a cup of tea or a nice lunch at a cute cafe. Just the two of you. She is going to feel less pressured and more open without your mom there. Leave your daughter at home with a sitter or her dad if he is in the picture. tell her that you see her as more of a mother figure than your bio mom and that you do not want your child exposed to that toxicity, but you DO want her to feel the love from your grandma that you felt as a child. Just remind her of the circumstances you faced as a kid and let her know you want better for your own daughter and future kiddos to come. Just remember that as much as you want to protect your daughter, she will try to protect hers. Shes in between a rock and a hard place.


This is the time for a face-to-face visit with your mother. If she can’t acknowledge what she’s done and apologize, you’ll need to kindly tell your grandmother that you tried to fix your relationship with your mother and that she rebuffed you. Then ask your grandmother to refrain from forcing the issue until your mom can actually acknowledge what she’s done. This way, your grandmother will see that you have done all that you can.


It sounds like you grand mother was more like a mother to you and you love her. I would start off with that. Explain that your bio mother did not want you then and you don’t want her in your kids life or your own now. Tell your grand mother how much you love her and how blessed you were to have had her. But you don’t ever want to hear about your bio mother. Hopefully she will abide by your wishes. If not limit your talking to her, every time your bio mother is brought up nicely say 'i don’t want to know anything about her, I have to go now. Hope fully she will realize she has to stop trying to mend things between y’all and let it go. If that doesn’t work I would quit calling, But I would send her a card or a note updating her on you and her great grand kids often.

As a mother you understand the bond a mother should have with her daughter. Your grandmother is the mother to your mom. She only wants her daughter to be happy. And your grandmother wants you to be happy. You are entitled to your feelings and you don’t have to have anyone in your daughters life that you don’t want in it. If I were you I would alienate your grandmother Because of your mother. If you can talk with your grandmother talk with her if not maybe say things to change the subject. Keep the topic on her. Just a thought.

Just swallow your pride and forgive and that will make you the better person

Be honest with both. Get a sitter and talk to them face to face. Your child will feel the tension and doesn’t deserve it.

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Just open your mouth and be truthful. Remember, even if you aren’t, talking to your mother, your daughter is still her grand child.

Apologies are for you to move on, not for your mother.
Meet with her face to face and have a grown up discussion, tell her how she hurt you and then move on.
I sure hope it works out and your daughter gets to know her grandmother

Ok so my real dad was never in my life. He and my mom divorced when I was two. My sister and I moved to West Virginia with my mom he remained in Arkansas. He would call a couple times a year. I met him face to face when I was nine and then never saw him again until I was 22. I was raised by my mom’s boyfriend. I knew I had a Dad but he was my dad in my eyes. The man that raised me died when I was 13. So at 22 years old my real Dad actually tries to be part of my life. He never paid child support would call a few times a year with empty promises. So when we started talking we got into it big time. I told him exactly how I felt in great detail! But we are on good terms now. My point… I think you need to talk to your mom. Don’t hold back. Tell her how you feel. And go from there. It will help no matter which way it goes. Being able to say your piece. And you might even get some answers. Good luck.

It’s best to be honest with her

you just have to tell bramma how you feel

One day, you won’t be able to have those conversations anymore. One day you’ll pick up the phone and only your mom will answer.

Suck it up, talk to your grandma and tell her how you feel, but understand her wishes to see you two reconcile.

Life is way too short to hold onto grudges that are only hurting you and the grandma you care about


Girl protect yourself and ur child peace of mind…don’t allow them to use ur kid to hurt you…if mom didn’t do right by you…what makes you think she’ll do right by ur kid…I too was raised by gma…my Mom always neglected and told me I was and embarrassment to her…shit was so bad they would down me in front of my kids…the only time they show affection was when they wanted some …the more I did to get them to accept me for me the worse they treated me…I was left out…I was the kid no one wanted…my dad even raped me…yes I have kids of my own now …n I don’t teach out or communicate with no family …not mom or gma… I keep my kids away from them…they not right…n the more I ask God to fix the situation…he shows me Everytime that they’re not apart of his purpose for me… protect ur peace n ur heart…the crazy thing is to wish and want family but have no family that lives you enough to treat you like ur some body


I’m so sorry you had to grow up with that on your heart!! Breaks my heart for you. I have 2 daughters and couldn’t imagine saying I hate one! Or not being there for them. You Do what your heart feels like you should. Pray about it God will help you. I would straight up tell my grandma how I feel. I will be praying for you! You Got This!!

Talk to gram she is in a hard spot I’m sure. Om sure she loves her daughter even though she knows she didn’t do right by you. She would probably love to have you guys have some sort of a relationship…I’d suck it up and still keep my relationship with my gram …my grandparents also raised me .my mom did send money and all that …she could not make ends meet so she joined the army when I was 4 …after basic she came back and I didn’t wanna go . So I know our situation is different but …never loose your relationship with your gram because of your mom …I would tell your mom in person that she did not earn the right to be called grandma to your kids . Also that you do not want anything to do with her .

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What grandma is saying she has seen what her daughter has done to you and her too she is saying babygirl I raised you you are good but your mother wants a relationship with you whatever kept her from raising you is gone you have a family now and forgiving nit forgetting is for you you are still hurt and you should be we all go thru things and lucky you had your grandparents some ppl don’t just talk to her if it goes left with arguing and all come at it again in a couple months for now she your mother is trying to forgive herself she needs u to forgive her her mother your grandma has

Try talking with your mom with both of you being 100% completely honest. My mother and I had a very broken relationship and I went years not talking to her because of my childhood. Having my son and her being there no questions asked made me want to have that talk and we’re doing great now. My son saved our relationship. I know it’s not always going to end well for everyone but there is still the chance that it can.

Nope. Toxic people to you will be toxic to your child. If she was so interested she would of tried to reach out to YOU, not through your grandma. I would steer clear of your mother.

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I’d tell my grandmother what would need to happen for that relationship to grow. If she’s advocating for mom, she should advocate for you too…

Just be honest and let her know how you feel if she loves you she will understand

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I would not call for awhile and when she calls u if she does then tell how u feel or write her a letter telling her just how u feel it. Might even u won’t be bothered any more but at least u won’t have to deal with it anymore good luck

Just be straight up honest with how you feel. Beating around the Bush or avoiding it isnt going to help anything and your feelings matter

Im bitter my mother didn’t raise me she left me with a total stranger and at 22 she looked for me and i told her to kiss my ass by then i had 2 childern almost 3 and i dont bother with her and she is 74 and the only thing i long for is 2 see her in her grave

Have it out with mother and grandmother and try and get past it for your daughters sake or you may regret it in the future.

Grandma knows best she made u the women u are what makes u think she’s wrong now… resentments will Rob u of ur recovery So stop being a slave to ur emotions and give ur mother a chance…

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Well neither one of them don’t mind hurting yours, so

Write a letter to gramma & tell her how you feel & tell her you will only call when your mother is not there?

I agree with Tabitha Kitchens.

Daughters Of Abusive Mothers join this group!!!