How Can I Teach My Bonus Kids to Be More Organized (So They Don't Become a Bad Influence on My Other Kids)?

Motherhood
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QUESTION:

"Hi! My husband and I have a 3-year-old and a newborn, then my husband has a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old.

Generally, when my bonus kids are at their mom’s, our 3-year-old cleans up her messes, but when her brothers are here, they don’t clean and tear everything out of its place because my husband doesn’t have them clean as they go, and when I do tell them to clean, they throw everything in wrong boxes or shove them between boxes and the wall…

I don’t want our daughter to absorb this behavior… Usually, they are a lot better by the time they are leaving but when they come back from their mom’s, we have to teach them all over again…

How can I teach them to stay organized or put their toys away as they go and put them in the right place instead of shoving them away? My husband doesn’t like it when I take toys away that don’t get cleaned up. I obviously don’t expect them to be perfect but I want them to start learning… Any advice?"

RELATED QUESTION: Needing Organization Ideas!

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“Unless dad gets on board, nothing will change.”

“By what you said, you know how to teach them so do so. Bonus kids are your kids so they are all on the same level. Don’t treat them differently; they will love you for it.”

“That’s gonna be hard for them. No cleaning at mom’s and then cleaning up as you go AND everything in a specific place and box to SM standards, that’s rough. Get them a toybox to throw everything in and let them clean their own room and shut their bedroom door.”

“Maybe have certain things sorted into boxes and let them only have 1 at a time and they can’t get another one with something different until everything in the 1st one is put up.”

“I have seen where people have printed out pictures to put on the totes of what is supposed to the inside of it, maybe this could help! Example: picture of a Barbie on the container the Barbies go into.”

“If they are still cleaning up but putting things in the wrong place, I wouldn’t worry too much, put stickers or labels on what should be going where so it’s easier for them to remember. It can be hard when they’re going between the two different houses with different rules and toys. Help them make it easier!”

“Kids are smart and flexible. They can learn easily that there are different sets of rules at different houses. Just teach them like you did your daughter and they will eventually get that when they come to Dad’s house this is how the rules are.”

“I literally gave my bonus kids numerous chances. Then, when they refused to follow my rules, I stripped their rooms. I picked out 5 outfits for each and put the rest in the shed. Then I went through their toys and left 5 or 6 for each kid. If they want it back, they earn it. Mine at 10 and 9 though.”

“I had this problem and it was one of many reasons the relationship ended. If you and hubby don’t get on the same page, it will get worse when kids get older. It’s better to home train them now. It’s hard when they’re only home trained at your house and not at their mom’s. When kids get older, you will notice this more on other things besides organization. Good luck.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

21 Likes
2

Take it one day at a time. My 2 year old can clean her toys up perfectly, but when my 4 year old comes back from her dad’s, they completely trash their toys and it takes a couple of times of showing them how to clean up, because my 4 year old just throws her toys in the makeshift closet/toybox whereas at my house, toys go in certain spots. Keep showing and teaching. And praise the heck out of them when they do it, even if it’s one time a day.

3 Likes
3

Unless dad gets on board, nothing will change :woman_shrugging:t4:

21 Likes
4

Remind them it takes longer to do it twice then it does to-do it correctly the 1st time.

3 Likes
5

maybe try to make a game out of it whoever cleans the fastest and correctly gets a reward?

3 Likes
6

That’s gonna be hard for them. No cleaning at mom’s and then cleaning up as you go AND everything in a specific place and box to SM standards, that’s rough. Get them a toybox to throw everything in and let them clean their own room and shut their bedroom door.

6 Likes
7

Dad needs to step up.

2 Likes
8

Good luck iv been trying to do it with my 8 and 3 yo lol but i do remind everytime it woulda been quicker to clean the right way the first time :rofl:

9

By what you said you know how to teach them so do… Bonus kids are your kids so they are all on same level … don’t treat them different … they will love you for it …

6 Likes
10

Ahhh, the classic my kids are perfect, it’s all the step kids fault :roll_eyes: just admit you don’t like them.

25 Likes
11

Dad doesn’t get to be upset w a punishment if he’s not gonna help scold them. My kids have fits too but my 4yo bonus daughter knows. Like if I say it’s clean up time and she starts huffing and puffing I call her over to me and ask “what do we do after we make a mess?” She rolls her eyes about it but she says “we clean it up.” Like yeah so nothing’s changed here that’s still the rule get to it lol. Especially since the play room is our 2yo son’s room we don’t go into someone else’s room and leave a mess.

1 Like
12

My mom took all are toys and hide them and said I through them out

1 Like
13

Maybe have certain things sorted into boxes and let them only have 1 at a time and they can’t get another one with something different until everything in the 1st one is put up.

4 Likes
14

When my daughter mixed her books and shoes with her toys I dumped everything out and had her do it again and she hasn’t done it since. She would do it on purpose because it was quicker or whatever and I got tired of telling and showing her so one day I just dumped her toy box out and said now we can do it again and I watched as she did it if she wasn’t sure she would look at me and ask if that’s where it went and I would tell her toys in the toy box books in the crate shoes in the basket. Now we have no problems for the most part sometimes she likes to be spiteful and say I’m not doing it the right way. I just remind her she’ll have to do it again

2 Likes
15

They’re boys? :grimacing: Best off luck.

Our rules are, as long as they’re away and hidden they’re good to go.

16

A game if not. I have dumped the toy boxes and made them start over. But I gave up on clean as you go bc he doesn’t have to at moms. So its the end of the night clean up. Sometimes you just have to let kids be kids. Keep in mind that they are still little and right now its a lot to remember the different rules.

2 Likes
17

I literally gave my bonus kids numerous chances. Then, when they refused to follow my rules, I stripped their rooms. I picked out 5 outfits for each and put the rest in the shed. Then I went through their toys and left 5 or 6 for each kid. If they want it back, they earn it. Mine at 10 and 9 though.

2 Likes
18

Reward/chore chart and good behavior is rewarded with a sticker that can lead up to a special outing (ice cream) or fun thing they can earn or do while they are with you. Remind them of the reward for good behavior the minute they walk in the door. Include your 3 y/o too and have them earn stickers and rewards too when their half-siblings aren’t there too so that the older kids see that good behavior and assistance with chores and keeping things tidy is rewarded. No compliance, no reward.

1 Like
19

They are all still fairly young. Maybe you can incorporate a game or the “clean up song” to make the chore of cleaning more fun or perhaps you can set up a different storage system/toy bin to make cleaning easier for ALL of the children. If there is a good relationship with their mom, maybe you two can communicate to see what methods are used while they are in her care.

20

Seriously boys are rarely as organized and gentle as girls… not never… just rarely their minds work differently. My oldest cleans and picks up twice a day for 7 minutes my youngest 4 times a day for 3 minutes. The timer is set and in between times they don’t have to put away what they just got out.

21

I have seen where people have printed out pictures to put on the totes of what is supposed to inside of it, maybe this could help!

Example: picture of a barbie on the container the barbies to in to

3 Likes
22

They sound like kids being kids. Repetition is all you really can do since you can’t control what happens at their mom’s house.

1 Like
23

Your other parent is giving directions, to shade.

24

The amount of people on here excusing this behavior because they’re boys :joy::flushed::joy:

4 Likes
25

I’d tell them the rules here never change and I know you haven’t forgotten them. You make the mess you clean it up correctly or you lose xy&z if not. We have this issue with my nephew that comes over a lot, he’s back and forth and if I tell him that he’s normally pretty good at doing it sometimes we do make him lose whatever because he try’s to act like he doesn’t remember and or just doesn’t want to do it but we keep the same rules for all the kids nothing special just because your not here all the time🤷🏽‍♀️. And he’s only 5 so they remember they just don’t care

2 Likes
26

Seems harsh to me, as far as they put things in the wrong places. At least they’re trying.

2 Likes
27

:joy: when I find a toy left out I take it away an put it in a tote in the storage building
An use them as rewards when they do something good. Half the time they don’t even remember they had the toy before :joy:

1 Like
28

Label all the bins with a picture & word. Have them play a sorting game. Sort the toys into the right bins. This will help with reading too. Preschools do this.

3 Likes
29

Kids are smart and flexible. They can learn easily that there are different sets of rules at different houses. Just teach them like you did your daughter and they will eventually get that when they come to Dad’s house this is how the rules are.

2 Likes
30

I get the frustration, I have 3 kids, my oldest 2 are boys are completely bonkers so they “clean” by hiding thing under their bed , the couch and well where ever it fits hahaha they know where it all goes but honestly as long as it’s not scattered all over the floor to get broken or someone get hurt standing or tripping over it I don’t stress, once a week I’ll get them to round it all up and put it where it actually goes. I do only say my boys because my daughter is only a few months old so can’t do it but she’ll mostly likely be like them.

2 Likes
31

With kids you have to be a broken record. Explain and repeat. Keep telling them these rules stay the same here even if the rules are different at their other home, and don’t forget to let them understand that they are at home at both places. They are your kids too. You share their dads DNA after having his baby so they are your kids too.

1 Like
32

First you and your husband need to get on the same page regarding expectations and consequences. If they know you guys aren’t on the same page they will exploit it for years to come and you will always be the evil step-mom.

4 Likes
33

I had this problem and it was one of many reasons the relationship ended. If you and hubby, don’t get on the same page it will get worse when kids get older. It’s better to home train them now. It’s hard when they’re only home trained at your house and not at their moms. When kids get older, you will notice this more on other things besides organization. Good luck.

2 Likes
34

If husband isn’t on board then you will become the wicked witch of the west-in the eyes of the bonus kids. He should have your back at all times-regardless. You problem isn’t with the kids, it is him.

2 Likes
35

As a fellow step mom, I understand the frustration. I think we will always struggle with certain things, because the way things are over at her moms versus our house. And by the time our week is up she’s got the hang of things… then off to her moms … then back AND same struggles.
You and your husband need to come up with something you can both agree on.
( sounds like hubby might be part of the issue JS :woozy_face:, I saw that in an empathetic way, because my hubby can be that way too with some things )

1 Like
36

If they are still cleaning up but putting things in the wrong place i wouldn’t worry to much, put stickers or labels on what should be going where so its easier for them to remember, it can be hard when there going between the two different houses with different rules and toys,
help them make it easier

2 Likes
37

Don’t let them take out other toys until they put away what they will not use anymore. I do that with my grandsons

38

Remind them of the house rules when the come, have a rewards chart and come up with a list with them that they can read and follow.

39

Just keep teaching and dont give up. Itll probably never be the way you want it to, your kids will probably absorb some of it. But its not just them. All kids do this type stuff at some point. But Itll be a never ending battle woth this as long as they have two houses. I understand where you coming from. Just pick your battles and dont drive yourself crazy.

3 Likes
40

Set house rules and if they follow ground them, that’s what we do at our house. We also have his girls every other week so it kinda works

2 Likes
41

Sounds like somebody doesn’t like her “bonus kids!”

16 Likes
42

What is a bonus kid?

1 Like
43

Is that what she calls step kids? Wth

7 Likes
44

Haha so i had this issue as well… Some people just arent as organized as others and thats something you have to kinda just let happen. Unless all the other parenting parties are as disciplined and organized as u itt wont really work. So be happy it makes it to the box in the general area of or in a pile in that vacinity. Once a month or 2 months due a reorganize clean and donate day with them. Eventually not being able to find toys or having the toys broken from not puttiinf away correctly will point its self out to them

2 Likes
45

In your position, your husband and you need to clearly state the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules. Your husband, their father, should discipline them rather than you, to prevent any further resentment they may have or develop (it’s inevitable).
I also suggest taking a step back, encourage and reward them for the things they do right. Remember parenting is guiding an entire other person through childhood and into adulthood. That person may not be the neat and tidy person you are and you may have accept cleaned up meaning everything is picked up and not in it’s very own dictated by you spot it belongs.

46

Try positive reinforcement. Maybe a sticker chart and prizes for when they reach a certain amount of stickers.

3 Likes
47

If your husband isnt stepping up speak to their mother. If she doesnt do anything. Ground them from certain things. Its your house. Same as babysitting kids.

1 Like
48

Sounds like you need to give the responsibility of cleaning up after them to your husband. If he doesn’t want to set boundaries for them and have them clean up their own mess then he should be responsible.

4 Likes
49

What the hell is a bonus kid. Maybe your ass is too tight… loosen up… hav rules make sure they are followed. Maybe they think of u as a bonus lady…

10 Likes
50

Don’t listen to these Karen’s on here. I’ve heard bonus kids many times for step kids. I would have a talk with the husband first, sounds like you two need a agreement on a parenting plan. Then I would put a firm foot down on the cleaning.
My husband and I have 6 kids between us, and if we don’t agree the house is chaotic and the kids know they can get away with anything but if we as parents keep together and back each other it goes smoothly to a extent. :slightly_smiling_face: good luck

18 Likes
51

I have one bonus son. All you can do is become consistant. And have the same expectations for all. They make a mess. They ALLLLLL get a part in cleaning it up. I don’t let my step son slack. He half-asses every thing so he’s constantly getting after

6 Likes
52

Omg good luck mine are now 14 and 12 and still have to re teach them respect, cleanliness etc when they come back

1 Like
53

Now why would you refer to them as “bonus kids” WTF They are your step sons not just any other kids. If you weren’t ready for step children then you shouldn’t have signed up for the job.

17 Likes
54

It sounds as if your husband is a problem! He has to get on board with you and support what you’re doing for the children!

9 Likes
55

I don’t have any bonus children, but I am a mom of 3 boys. I have mild ocd and would spend 1-2 hours after the kids were in bed organizing and sorting out the toys. By number 3, some things just aren’t worth the fight. Our rules now are one toy bin out at a time. Before I rearranged the house, I just had a couple toy boxes and as long as the toys were in them I didn’t say anything. Some people just aren’t wired to be super oragnized. Also I am so sorry that there are grown adults unable to be kind and helpful.

5 Likes
56

Um…they’re 5 and 7 and with it only happening at your house it will have to be a lead by example situation and you get in there and direct things

3 Likes
57

Boys will always be more messy then girls

1 Like
58

Just keep being consistent, and eventually it will get easier :two_hearts: one thing that helped for us is doing a “walk through” together and having him take notes on what the expectations are for a “clean” room. Then when he’s finished, go through it together. Give lots of kudos for the good, and calmly remind what was overlooked and let him try again. They’ll eventually get tired of the drawn out process and start to get it right the first time. And it’s definitely hard when one child isn’t there the whole time, but as long as you’re consistent in expectations with all of your kids, everyone will eventually get the routine. :two_hearts:

2 Likes
59

Why do their toys have to be organized lmfao as long as they aren’t on the floor it really doesn’t matter, and they are just kids! Lol that’s apart of teaching them is repetitiveness. Also you can’t expect them to learn to quickly if they don’t have to do the same things at their moms house🤷🏻‍♀️ that’s the downside of coparenting, not everything is gonna go how you’d like and they’ll pick up behaviors from the other parents house too not just yours

9 Likes
60

Why is everyone shitting turkeys over the term “bonus” kid, daughter, son, mom. Are you guys ok? Its literally not a big deal and its also not a new phrase.

18 Likes
61

Those are her babies and like a lot of us she babies them. You have the pleasure of having younger kids so you see their strengths. I agree with other comments about being patient and consistent. Your strength with them will pay off naturally when they do set a good example for the younger siblings.

2 Likes
62

Leave their mess out and let their dad clean it up if he has to clean it up then he might be more open to the consequences of not cleaning up and doing it correctly if the littles can do it they sure can. Keep gummies or candy if they clean up correctly they get a treat if not then they dont my 2 year old can destroy a room in 2.5 seconds and i clean it or her dad does we encourage her to help as we do it and try and show her the correct way to put things up same with my bonus kids maybe their mom just dont care.

5 Likes
63

When my step son was 4 we told him to pick up his toys or they would be thrown away. He wouldn’t clean so I went down there with a garbage bag and held the bag while I made HIM “throw away” his toys. Since that day he cleans his room spotless if we tell him to clean. (No I didn’t actually throw his toys away. I waited until he went home then put them in his toy box, but he don’t need to know that.) As far as the organization thing I think you need to lighten up. Just because you’d like it in a different spot doesn’t mean they like it there. They are only 5 and 7. However when we were growing up my mom wanted the toys picked up in my sisters room so she cleaned there room, took pictures of each container, printed them and then taped them on each container with clear packing tape. Maybe try something like that?

4 Likes
64

Make cleaning easier! Instead of separate bins for certain toys, everything in one toy bin. If toys get broken or lost at the bottom of the bin, that’s a natural consequence and they’re allowed to switch to the other organization method whenever they like.

1 Like
65

Get a chore board! Each chore/clean up is worth a point/25 cents. They can use that money towards something they would like to buy or you could set up a little “convenience store” they can buy things at! This is a fun way to help encourage . If they don’t clean up after themselves or do the chore - they lose a point. This should go towards all the kids to keep things fair but fun!

2 Likes
66

If they are 5 & 7, and they are only at your house every other weekend or so, perhaps labeling the bins/totes or whatever you want them placed in for a little guidance. Teach them the clean up song. Make it fun instead of a punishment when they don’t live there.

4 Likes
67

If you find the answer let me know! I’ve been going through the same thing for 6 years :joy::roll_eyes:

2 Likes
68

Take pictures of they toys and where they are supposed to go and pin them to the box. Tell them before they play they need to pick up what they had out before they go to another toy and put it away correctly or they won’t play at all and will do chores instead.

69

Use the 3yr old as an excuse to teach the older ones. “We are teaching her to put things away where they go and I need your help here.” Everyone works together to get the desired out come with adult supervision. Could be they are just in a hurry to be with dad. Sometimes a huge mess can be overwhelming. Limit what can be pulled out. Put things up in a closet. Then rotate. By the time I noticed all Legos and matchbox cars are all over the floor. So one went up for awhile. Then I rotated say like in a week.

6 Likes
70

I would be just happy of them putting in the box… i dont care if they organize… just pick them up and put them in a box of toys… its simple

71

someone else’s best may not be your best(you might do it better or maybe not). And that’s ok.

72

Lol be happy they pick up at all my bonus kids don’t n they live with us full time

73

I know exactly what you are going through - I have a 12 yo step-son and there are no rules at his mom’s house so it’s like we have to re-teach him every time he is here. It’s frustrating and I get that, but you just have to be persistent. Children mostly just look for what they can get away with, if you just stand you ground and carry out the consequences that you have set out if the rules are not followed (I have mine posted so he knows what consequences are and can’t say I didn’t tell him or that he didn’t know) then they start to get it. I have found that having a white board or two has helped him stay more on task and know what is expected of him.
I’m a child of divorce and I get it, it can be hard going from one home to another, but they have to learn different places are going to have different rules and they need to adapt.

74

Talk to their mom. She needs to be having them clean up after themselves at her house too. Only way they’ll actually learn.

75

This is a form of OCD. I was this way with my older two. By child #3 most have went out the window. As long as it’s not in the floor and their rooms are cleaned/picked up daily then let it be. Teaching OCD habits this early on can have major repercussions later on because they don’t want to clean in a detailed/specific way. Also if they aren’t required to do the same at moms house the chances are they won’t do it at your house.

3 Likes
76

I get it. I have a visual printed out for mine. Like on it, it has a picture of “worn clothes” clip art with an arrow pointing to a clip art laundry basket taped on the wall. It’s not a fix it all but it has helped lol!

77

There kids help them to do it or do it ya self I’m sure your room wasn’t perfect as a kid lol as long as mine help me tidy up before bedtime Im happy all about team work I didn’t have kids to do my chores :v:

2 Likes
78

Seems to me someone’s
OC. Calm down Captain Brown

2 Likes
79

Sorry but this post is stupid you can’t compare kids at least their helping kids are kids kids are not perfect actually nah they more perfect than adults. Everyone is different and your difference is you want shit your way or no way. That shit don’t sit right

1 Like
80

Being a stepparent is one of the hardest jobs you’ll ever have, and you’ll always have the issue of different rules for different houses. I had this issue with both my bonus kids and my previous kids. I always used the motto: “my house, my rules. Their house, their rules “. But the advice above is really good advice to take into consideration and will help you along the way. An issue I had with my spouse was we were not on the same page, at all. I ended up over compensating and it ultimately affected my relationship with my bonus kids. You have to be really careful about how you go about getting them to understand your house rules, if you get too caught up in them following them each and every time they’ll resent you and could ruin your relationship with them. Once you get to that place you’ll never be able to undo it. At the end of the day does the how REALLY matter, or that they are at this age? You’re gonna have to lower your expectations a bit, they’re kids and what bins the toys go in has zero value for them, it doesn’t effect playing with them. A simple solution might be to keep curtains bins put up (just for now) they only get brought out when the other toys are put away. That gives you the opportunity to explain the rules to play with them and they have to be put away in that bin when done. This will allow you to teach them to be organized, and allows you to positively enforce your rules “see how easy it is to get to the LEGO’s! That’s why we keep them separated into their own bin” etc. Most importantly, always reinforce good behavior especially with your bonus kids!!! It reassures them where you’re relationship with them is concerned.

81

They’re children, that’s what they do.
My advice is to keep on top of them while they’re playing and also to express to your husband that he should be equally involved. Make sure one of you are going over to them every so often to interact and guide them as to what your expectations are in your home. You could try labeling your boxes with pictures of the toys you want to go in which box. Maybe they don’t realize that it’s important to you?
Another thing that works- bribery! “Whoever does the best job organizing the toys gets an extra scoop of ice cream!”
If all else fails you could stop cleaning up after them and allow your husband to do so. Then maybe he will appreciate your frustration.

82

As a bonus mom to 3 plus my 1 and our 1 it’s been a challenge. My bonus kids were 5,9,10 when me and my SO got together. The 9&10yo we have full custody of and they can’t do anything for themselves. They are now 12&13 and while some things have improved a lot hasn’t. My MIL didn’t agree with them having any type of responsibility so they caused a lot of problems between everyone. My SO finally put her in her place and she has backed off some. My youngest bonus kid, there’s very little hope honestly (no I’m not being mean). He’s legally blind BUT he CAN see. His mom gives him whatever he wants when he wants so he will leave her alone. She’s a drunk and only cares about the disability check for him. He has lived with us full time for a year and he had so much improvement. He picked up after himself, he would throw his trash away, he would put his own clothes on. Well she didn’t like that I actually taught him things and refused to let his dad see him for almost a year. And now it’s right back to the way it was before. She has told him he doesn’t have to listen, she says he doesn’t have to follow our rules. It’s been a serious challenge and due to covid we can’t go through the courts for custody or anything at the moment.
But patience. I’ve spent many times in the shower crying from being so overwhelmed because none of them can do anything. My 6yo has always picked up after himself, uses manners, etc. if the kids have been raised one way it will not be easy to get change. But you and dad have to be on the same page, it has honestly made our relationship so much easier.

83

“Choose it, use it, put it away” this is a constant chant in my house and it works u play with one toy and put it away when ur done :woman_shrugging:. Dont think u need to take stuff from them they are 5 and 7 just gotta stay on top of them. Make labels for toy boxes etc so they know for sure where shit goes. And stop being a control freak and just join in the playing and help put stuff away if u want ur done a specific way x

84

“To SM standards”…

As if putting pieces of a game away in the box it came in is SO MEAN and DIFFICULT. Just please with this ‘stepmom is so mean’ bullshit and stop making excuses for laziness…

85

Good luck with that. My boys are 11 an 13 an still dont clean as they go🤦‍♀️

86

Unfortunately this is something that comes with the “Territory”

My girls used to be the same, even to this day, miss 14 will sometimes come home with an attitude, in time it gets easier though :heart:

87

Sounds like you need to train your husband first to be on your team. Once you have fixed that, then continue to be consistent in your efforts. They will all come on line in time.

88

Make the husband clean it🤔

89

There are a lot of good comments on here in regards to how to teach organization or cleaning skills at one home even if the other does not follow the same set of rules. It’s not easy and it takes time. However I was just appalled by the word bonus kids. Maybe it’s just me growing up in two different families but the word bonus kind of sounds negative. If the child feels as though they are a bonus, they may feel that they are an intrusion, or feel less loved than the biological children. Treat them as your own children, love and support them no matter what they do and remember you can’t control someone else does. As they get older they will see why things are done a certain way, and hopefully they value that. And this is coming from a male’s point of view, I could be wrong but that’s just me