Ladies, I have a question that I really need advice on. I feel absolutely lost. I am married and have a two-year-old son. My husband is the absolute best father I could have ever asked for. Absolutely no complaints there. We have been married for three years and together for 10. During my pregnancy, he was the most loving I had ever seen him. After our son was born, we were on cloud nine. I was crazy about him. I just felt so in love, and he looked to be just as in love, if not more. We were in a very good place. However, that spark slowly started to fizzle out. He works two jobs, and I work 1. On his days off, he likes to fix cars, and he will spend hours outside fixing up his cars. Heās not making much time for me at all. Call me crazy, but I feel it is important to put in time and effort into our marriage. He has pretty much stopped putting in time and effort into our marriage but is still expecting our marriage to magically be ok. He has ZERO romantic gestures with me. ZERO!! So when we go to bed, he wants to climb all over me, and I am absolutely turned off. TURNED OFF!! I have turned it down every night, and he, of course, gets upset. I have had a conversation with him many times about how I feel. How we donāt have much of a love connection anymore, and I have tried numerous things to spark it back up, but nothing is working. He is not putting in any work on his end. I am working at it completely alone. Am I doing something wrong? What else can I do?
Yāall need date night.
He needs to Understand how much this is needed, both ways!! Prayerāsss to You & Him, in lighting that Spark back!! 
He wants to have sex and you always turn him down, yet you wonder why the spark is goneš¤¦āāļø
Spark usually kinda fades when there is a baby thrown into the mix. I dont have advice but Iāve been there . Hang in there hopefully things spark back up for you 
If heās working two jobs, doing a manly hobby like working on cars and is a great father then has some desire to get it on with you at nightā¦you should really consider yourself lucky.
Relationships are work. A night once a week or biweekly or even once a month could help. You both need to compromise and make it happen. The honeymoon stage is over and now its time to figure it out. But he still needs his mechanic time. If you truly love each other you will work it out. Good luck.
I think itās important to see sex as something that is for both of you and not just the man. So I wouldnāt cancel our sex simply because he isnāt romantic. Also I think you both should talk and pack atleast one day a week for just the two of you alone time.
Explain that you want a partner. Not a quickie every night but a partner in life. Let him know you want him to provide for you what no other man can. Any man can give you a dick and a paycheck 
Soā¦ he doesnt spend time with her but when its time for bed, he just wants a quickie and shes supposed to be happy with that?? You guys are ridiculous. Dont tell me you guys are the type to say at least he comes home to me 
dont shame her for the way shes feeling.
Prepare a date night. Donāt always expect a man who has a heavy load on his shoulders to initiate a romantic gesture. Plan something romantic to put you both in the mood.
You need personal time together.
Marriage counseling might help.
Was he romantic before? Men are simple they donāt have all these feelings and thoughts like we do. I think you should take a breather. Have sex with him and then find a hobby to occupy your mind. You need to do something for you away from him and the kid. Donāt rely on anyone for your happinessā¦ I promise you it will get better. You have been together for a long time these things happen in a relationship and it will probably happen again. Donāt stress the small stuff give him a break and he will come to you. there are worse things not saying this isnāt hurtful to you but try to cut him some slack.
Go out to the garage and hang out with him?
Imma be the true person here. Me and my ex husband divorced over this same issue. (Minus ideas working 2 him a few) but either way we ended up back together 3 years later and Iām in the best relationship ever. He realized what I did I realized what he did and damn
I agree with her. Hes thinking hes doing it right trying nightly. I give him points butā¦sex and feeling sexy starts when you wake up meaning sweet words thru out the day, sexy texts, cute pics, helping out, a date, just anything on an emotional level will set the tone for a hot mommy and dad night!! He needs to learn her love language!!! And she needs to learn his. Which seems to be providing on his part. Great book read it 5 love languages.
It is difficult when your partner works so much. My husband works 60+ hours a week and we barely see each other and on weekends he wants to do stuff with his friends and I just feel left out. We compromise so that he makes equal time for me when he can but it is still difficult. I miss him a lot and wish he could be around more and be active in my and our sons lives. As for romance, my husband has never been romantic. Not even an ounce. He did cutesy things in the beginning of our relationship but that didnāt last long. That just isnāt who he is and I canāt change it. Now as for the in bed thing, you are pushing him away because you want things you arenāt getting so you are refusing to give him things he wants. Donāt throw sex out of your marriage because it is so important to have that connection with him. Spice things up a bit. Shutting off sex all together will hurt you both. Hope things get better and you both can work on communication and have a happy marriage
Maybe donāt turn him down. After get the kids to bed,yāall have a drink while watching a movie or tv show together before bedā¦or bathe or shower togetherā¦and then hit the bedroomā¦Alsoā¦if ur drive is the problemā¦FemStim Max on Amazon is a great herbal supplement for getting women in the mood and also have a cream can put on beforehandā¦stimulatorā¦that gets you going. Maybe even watch an erotic movie together.Try to find some small time around each others schedules to do even small things together and do things for each otherā¦if it is even just cooking him his favorite mealā¦mine loves when I cook steaksā¦or buying him some much needed clothes. Try to make time at least once a month to go out to eat togetherā¦with or without kidsā¦go shopping together as a familyā¦and generally doing things when in each otherās company. Also,try to find something you both enjoy doing and do that together. Fishing,playing video games,etcā¦Got to addā¦most men arenāt romantic. Mine is about as romantic as a rock. Gives me money to get my own stuff on Vday and Mothers Day. Oh well. Good dad and husband anyway
It gets that way though. Long term relationships arenāt going to be that crazy in love feeling all day everyday but the true way to know is if youāre willing to put the work and time in to get there again, and in our experience it always always comes back! Now communicating and not being comprehended or heard, thatās a real relationship issue.
Maybe you could initiate something slower and more romantic for you before he climbs all over you. Make bedtime playtime to nurture that spark.
I would highly suggest having him read the five love languages.
He of course wants to have sex but in order for you to be in the mood he has to put the effort in outside the bedroom. Doesnāt sound like youāre asking for too much.
I say plan a date night 
or a get away weekend. Me and my boyfriend just did that and it was so great just to spend time me and him. We left the kids with grandma
Do a date night more often . Try to do things that you would like, for him. Show him ur love interest. If you already do that then at least plan a date night. It takes two. Also itās nice that he still wants you sexually. Thatās a plus but you also need that INTIMACY. which is important. You want to bond with him. I hope you find ways to bond.
If your baby is only 2, put that baby to bed and donāt wait to go to bed for your husband to āclimb all over youā. That sounds like a chore and very annoying to me. Expected and boring. LIVEN things up here. Buy some toys, a couple of new outfits, some ice cream toppings and donāt even make it to the bedroom. Take a shower together. Catch him in the garage! Climb in the backseat of one of those cars he likes to work on. Jeez, If I felt ignored and like every night my husband was going to ātry to crawl all over meā I would be like ughā¦I donāt want to even go to bed. Meet some of HIS needs and I assure you he will be happier meeting yours. Send him little love notes in his lunch box. Remind him of the reasons you married and chose HIM. Send him a few messages at his work telling him what you are going to do to him when he gets home. FOLLOW through. Be a part of getting the spark back. Ask him on a date and find a baby sitter. Even if it is to go paly a game of pool.
Fuck his brains out and surprise him with something new you both will like or try some new shit stop pushing him away or heāll leave.
Go. Spend. Time. Doing. What. He. Likesā¦
I feel like women are just more emotional when it comes to sex and men are more physical.
Do things like watch a movie at bedtime, make him rub your back, do something that is quality time together that could end up heating up towards the end.
Marriage isnāt always hot and full of flames. But you guys both deserve what you want so thats my suggestion.
if heās climbing all over your at night heās still into you
See me and my partner are oppositeā¦im the one whoās all over himā¦but he rejects my advances. He says im too aggressive about sex. He wants it to come natural. It helps when we compromise tho.
My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years coming up on 3 years of marriage. And Iāll play devils advocate here I suppose. Iād sit outside while my husband is working on a car if that was his hobby. Get some sun, enjoy the fresh air listen to some music. I donāt know i guess I just need more context because youāre saying he actively is trying to have a sex life with you but doesnāt put forth any effort. Him having two jobs and you having one doesnāt leave a lot of room for a whole lot of romance. Whatās your love language? Is it gifts? Touch? Emotional connection? Whatās your husbands? What do you expect from your husband? What does your husband expect from you? Answer those questions, and work with your husband to find those answers. It helps. Over the years Iāve realized my husband just isnāt the romantic type and me personally Iām just okay with that. My husband knows exactly what I expect from him as my spouse and vice versa. Itās helped us a lot.
Couples therapy. It helps. Try a few visitsā¦
Itās over, you have done everything, youāve told him how you feel itās time to move on x
Waitā¦ so when he does show affection youāre turned off? Maybe one night just let it happen and see what happens. Maybe thatās the spark you need. Or maybe YOU initiate it one night that way itās on your terms.
Maybe go hang out with him while heās working on the car. My husband doesnāt particularly care what we do togetherā¦it could be grocery shopping or eating dinner as the family or taking our kids to the park ect. Try talking to him and maybe set aside 2 hours each week specifically for you twoā¦if you have a day off in common.
I would like to point out that SEX for MEN is how they connect with their partners best. You have to give a little to get some in return. I 100% get where youāre coming fromā¦but I 1000 times get why he is upset.
Relasionship of 20 yrs this stage is normal once jobs, kids and General living gets in way. Sorry hun its not hunny moon period any more. That come in waves and gets better as kids get older and more independant. Fact he works his arse off, if still good with kids, helps in house no arguments and still shows intrest in bed. You two have a good relasionship. Dont go looking for issues that aint there.
I might sound silly but you are gonna have to step out of your comfort zone and do some things that you wouldnāt normally do. Watch porn, use your imagination, be creative and move out of the negative space in your head. Iāve had post natal depression but I got myself through it. If I didnāt, I would have lost a good man and my family would have been split up cos of my own selfishness. Sex isnāt just physical, itās emotional and spiritual and itās how couples become one.
Get yourself a good vibrator and yāall have at it, lol!
Iām going though the same its hard very hard I canāt help because Iām trying myself still x
Do yourself a favour and read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. All you need is in there
If you feel he doesnāt put effort in then you will never be able to be āturned onā by him. If you want the spark back you need to be convinced he cares. That may take a conversation with him to explain how you feel (not an argument to change him). Until you can heal from the hurt you feel he has caused and can elevate him in your mind, you wonāt be able to enlist your passions towards him. Youāre not wrong, but neither is he. There just needs to be compromise and healing.
Youāre gonna have to meet in the middle. He isnāt showing you the affection you want (tell him!) And you arenāt giving him the physical attention he wantsā¦you need to talk about itā¦this is what marriage isātough conversations and speaking up when you need something from your partner. These things will come in wavesāweāve had droughts over the 17 years weāve been togetherā¦be intimate in other ways. Date nights, help him with the car, etcā¦
As others have said, spend some time with him when heās working on cars, when he is trying to get physical why donāt you want to? He is obviously still into you, with him working two jobs he hardly has much time nor energy for making romantic gesturesā¦ maybe you just need to accept that things have changed with a good reason and learn how to love him and things the way they are now.
This has happened to me and I found out I was too much in my own headā¦ It was a GAME CHANGER, act sexy and sensual FIRST! Act sexy FOR YOU! Try it, you wonāt regret it and youāll love his reaction 
I dont think itās fair that you withhold affection that he offers you because itās ānot good enoughā for you. I understand you have feelings but youāre just likely not in the honeymoon phase anymore. Go hang out with him while he works on the car. I think youāre a little too in your own head about this. Romantic gestures arenāt always the manās responsibility to do and now that you have a child it definitely changes things. Stop withholding his affection and go out of your comfort zone to spend time with him. Itās a mutual effort youāre a team not rivals.
I wanna know that part too man. Tired of the man leaving for another woman. Making me feel unworthy of having a man again ever
Working n taking care of a baby is a thankless job in itself. If he would help in taking care of things with you maybe then you wouldnāt mind taking care of business in the bedroom.
Not to be negative whatās so ever. But it all could be worseā¦ he could be domestic to you. Be cheating on you, be a horrible father ect but heās notā¦ why donāt you start trying the romantic part. Men donāt discuss how they feel. Maybe he feels the same. Obviously if he wants to be all over you at night time then his love for you is still there. Itās going to be your fault if something more happens because now he is going to be neglected as wellā¦ why donāt you find a sitter with out him knowing surprise him when he comes home with a candle light dinner some soft music and a sexy outfit just for himā¦ make him feel wanted and I guarantee youāll find that affection back from him that you are looking for ā¦ good luck keep us updated.
If u expect ur marriage to be high all the time ur gonna be sorely disappointed ā¦hes loosing himself while worrying about u and the baby then u turn him down for sex cause u dont feel like hes being romantic enough? U wanna bring the spark back show him u care about him personally show that u can see how hard hes working ā¦appreciate ur good man!!!
It sounds like heās trying to show love at night and your the one turning it downā¦ to me it sounds like he is in love with you and your not with him. So another words is you need to work on yourself rather then blame him for everythingā¦ just a thought I had about it. I obviously donāt know what its really like just from what u have mentioned
You are complaining, take a beer out and sit with him, ā¦
I had to full out spell out to my husband how I wanted to be loved and now he does it. We have a system and it works. I tell him I want to be talked to directly about our days 1 time a night for at least half an hour. I have a vase on my table, and once the flowers die in it he replaces them. He helps me pick up after dinner. Once a month we go on a child free date. Once a week we do an in home date after the kids are asleep. We finally have the relationship I wanted. About a month ago I told him he needed to get all In invested in us or jump all the way out. No in-between. The sparks been alive and well and im at the point where I cant keep my hands off him again.
Appreciate him he sounds good to you ; maybe do a date night just you to hope all works out
Men are simple creatures. It sounds like heās a hard working man that at the end of the day just wants to love on his wife. That is a connection.
Women are more emotional and we love the gooey āI love youā honeymoon phase, buuuuuttttt the honeymoon phase doesnāt always have to be that way. Sometimes just being around each other is enough.
Maybe try sitting with him while he works on his cars? Just be in each otherās company.
Have someone watch your kids for a night and spend time together just you two. Sometimes being away from the kids also help.
If all else fails, YOU try to initiate all the sweet gooey gestures. Iām sure he will catch on.
Have sex. OFTEN. I know you may feel like itās a chore, but sex is important in any healthy relationship. That intimacy is needed.
Hope everything works out in the end!
I agree with most of ladies here, Adult lives are busy and rough and itās hard to make time. But I think your solution falls in your own hands. Take a day to yourself, take an extra long shower, do your makeup, go get your hair done, buy something that makes you feel sexy to wear for him, get a sitter for a night, have dinner and make love to your man! Take the first initiative, sometimes men get lost in everything they have on their plate, take his attention off of all of that.
Buy the leggings. In every color. Wear them at all times.
What work are you putting in ? Marriage isnāt on cloud 9 all the time it requires attention from both sides. Maybe he feels like you havenāt put work in. Guys are different when it comes to feeling loved thatās sex for most . Those times heās trying to touch you is his way of reaching out to you. you shouldnt feel obligated to have sex if you donāt want to. But instead of looking at whatās going wrong with your marriage try looking at the positives. Maybe go out play some music and show interest in fixing a car never know it could be fun and help you feel connected. Itās all perspective.
Donāt leave it all up to him. You have to teach him subtly. If I want a romantic dinner out, first make sure hubby will be free that night, secondā¦ get a baby sitter, maybe you can leave your child overnight?? If not, then just get the sitter till you get home making sure she is expected to try to get the young one to sleep then you will pay her when you get home and she can go home as soon as you arrive home. Book a nice restaurant, within your price range, dress up in something special and a little more sexy than he is used to seeing you in. Have his clothes all laid out on the bed for him. You have told him itās date nite so everything should go beautifullyā¦donāt argue or pick fights over anythingā¦This night is just about the two of you rediscovering your love and passion for each other. Once itās time to pay the bill excuse yourself and go to the bathroom but before you do, whisper in his ear that you arenāt wearing any knickersā¦ and you canāt wait to get home and have fantastic sex with him.
Once in the bathroom, actually do take off your underwear (pants only)
You might have an amazing ride home with some early foreplay, acting like young kids in love again. Men love their women taking charge. Enjoy your new power position.
sounds like he was the one trying and youāre the one whoās distancedā¦
Both of you need to learn and understand each others love languages. Oh and donāt let anyone tell you that just cause he isnt cheating on you or abusing you that you donāt deserve more. You deserve repsect and someone who understands you. Mabey try to spice things up in the bedroom and try doing things that he likes to do.
Some women are like an engine sitting in the cold, āyouāve got to warm it up bf you take for a spin,ā if ya know what I mean. I totally get wanting to have all the romance, But with a busy life like you guys have I think itās important to make an effort on both sides, which you seem to be doing somewhat. Communication is key, tell him whatās a turns you on, donāt make him jump through hoops though, but have an honest conversation with him. Iāve been married 15 years, if he is still grabbing at ya believe me he is still interested. You said you have tried everything, maybe set the romantic mood that you want and bring him into what your wanting and explain that this is what warms your engine up, if he is curious what will get him laid every time instead of turned down. Marriage takes a ton communication and compromise.
You didnāt say what you had tried to doā¦ you said he likes working on carsā¦go out and be with him when he is working on the cars hand him tools; learn what he lovesā¦ men feel this pressure to be a provider, so he may be trying to do all he can to provide for you and your child and that is how he is showing his loveā¦ sometimes you have to meet them where they are.
In generalā¦for most women and men anyway, men feel love and connection through sex with their partner, however women feel love and connection through loving gestures, meaningful communication and non sexual skin to skin contact.
Tell him what you need to feel loved and supported and ask him what he needs to feel loved and supported. Work together on that list on a very regular basis. Communicating exactly what each of you need is the key here. You cannot be vague and say something like I want more romanceā¦that doesnāt cut it. Romance is a bit different to everyone. You need to be very clear.
You need to fix yourself
I love working on the car with my s/o. I love the excitement he gets when I ask car questions. I took the initiative to make that our bonding experience. Did I want something more romantic? Of course but the quicker the car work is done, the more free time we have for the romance you desire. Turning down the bedroom advances has proved to only make things worse. You want to feel that spark but what if that initial spark is there in bed? You have to give a chance.
He is working hard for ur family and working at home on cars etcā¦ Thatās not attractive? I never turn my husband down.
6 pack of beer and bikini I promise he will stop what heās doing
Men can be oblivious to romance, you have to be very upfront and direct about exactly what you want. Most men dont understand subliminal messages and their idea of romance is foreplay. Heās probably also thinking there are problems as you keep denying him sex, but unless you directly point out the issues he will just assume itās you losing interest over something out of his control. Spice up the sex for a night or one of his days off, lock yourselves in the bathroom and have at it. Switch up the positions. Pull a 180 on him, heāll look at you like youāre a goddess. Dont rely on him to fix all the problems by himself.
Try āThe Love Dareā challenge. watch the Movie āFireproofā YouTube āA Beautiful Design by Matt Chandlerā
Do what you did in the beginning.