I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like …when y’all argue with your S/O, how does it play out? If you’re yelling and calling me a bad person (for no good reason), how do I forgive those hurtful words? Feeling like I can’t move past this last fight…
11 Likes
You need to learn how to discuss differences in a healthy manner. Start off by having a conversation about things that are triggers for each of you & that should never be brought up in the heat of the moment ever. It also may be better to walk away for a few minutes when these things happen so both of you can regroup & have am actual conversation about whatever issue there is.
1 Like
Never been in a healthy relationship either. 
you didn’t deserve to be called a bad person. I don’t think I could forgive my S/O if they called me that.
Sounds toxic. In 25 years, my husband and I never yelled at each other. We communicate. If you’re mad, you can wait till the next day to have a discussion about it when you’re not mad anymore. We have never cursed each other, nor called each other names.
There is never a need to ever disrespect your spouse, unless he cheats on you!! Lol… then you disrespect him and leave him!
1 Like
Uhhh my husband and I don’t say that kind of stuff to each other… even when we fight or argue we still try to be kind to each other and give each other grace. I would talk to your spouse about how you feel. Use phrases like “the way I see things” or “this is my perspective” or “the story I am telling myself”. You just need to talk to each other.
1 Like
My husband and I have been married for 34 years and we have never had a fight. Yes we have disagreements but we have never had a fight. No reason for it.if you are going to have fights maybe you shouldn’t be together anymore.
8 Likes
Cause we all say hurtful stuff when we are angry,you know they don’t really mean it unless it’s true,just let it rest and don’t over think
I’m a mean fighter. I tell my husband to go to hell or leave or call him an asshole all the time. But he says mean things in anger too.
We started out as best friends so we knew this about each other before we even started dating. We have been together 14 years.
If either of us really cross a line than we discuss it and apologize and figure it out.
Idk I think couples that don’t fight are weird.
You just have to remember it’s not acceptable to be belittled and you need to let him know this but you also have to remember that people say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. As long as it’s not a constant behaviour let me know how it makes you feel and try get past it
The emotional intelligent of your s/o is not always the same as yours. You have to find the confidence in yourself to choose what you are going to allow. If you know neither of you will ever be on the same level you will both stay in the same mindset until it breaks you both completely. Sometimes it’s only months together and sometimes it can take over a decade to figure it out 
… but.anyways.Hi…Now I know., 5 almost 6 years sober of accepting emotional abuse.
***I’m only sharing this because I read the post then started to scroll but found this… I hope it helps someone else who needs to remember.
With my ex it was always shouting from us both and he’d swear like a sailor and call me God awful names and hit me on occasion it was absolutely toxic. Me and my partner we argue but don’t shout then our toxic thing is we go quiet for a bit but that’s to sort out our heads we then sit down and talk it out. It may not be perfect but disagreements are normal and we always talk it out once weve cleared our heads. We never swear or name call etc. I think you may want to re think the relationship. Some one who loves you wouldn’t disrespect and hurt you that way.
You shouldn’t be getting called names end of story full stop! You can argue and have disagreements totally normal it happens people don’t get along all of the time. But it is completely disrespectful to degrade someone full stop!
I’ve been with my S/O for more than a yr. Not once has he raised his voice at me, nor have I raised my voice at him. If we don’t agree on something, we sit down and talk to each other. He gives me the chance to express what I’m thinking and feeling and I return the chance. Of course we do get angry, we are human,but we show respect to each other. We never put each other down.
I used to be in toxic relationships where we would yell and cuss at each other.
If You claim you Love someone, it should not be easy to hurt or bring pain to your partner.
Love. True love isn’t hostile.
My advice. End the relationship. It will get worse.
We never attack eachother as people. We don’t name-call, & we don’t spew insults. We can get heated sometimes with tone and volume (it’s rare but it happens). When we’re emotionally disregulated we take a time out to compose ourselves before readdressing the issue. We use the speaker-listener technique to communicate more effectively and solve conflict.
1 Like
If there is yelling I am done. I will not get into a screaming match. The conversation will be had at another time. If there is name calling or any other form of idiotic behavior. I am done with the argument and again it will have to be resolved at a later time. I don’t have time or patience for people with the emotional intelligence of a rock
2 Likes
Get out before you start believing it.
1 Like
Men or women will treat you, how you allow them to . The first time a man starts calling me inappropriate names , for no reason, he’s gone . You need to set boundaries , someone starts yelling walk away , ignore until they want to act like adults and have a conversation.
They don’t because I refuse to be in a relationship that any argument is serious or ends up with raised voices.
Also, you know exactly what a healthy relationship is like. You just don’t choose to leave when you see incompatibility or unhealthy behaviors.
Me & my husband have had maybe 2 fights in the 20yrs we’ve been together. We’ve had a handful of disagreements, but nothing we didn’t work through. Imo, if you argue most of the time, y’all aren’t compatible and should go your own ways. This is why I say wait 5yrs to marry and will forever be my opinion.
My partner and I have been together for almost 7 years, and we’ve only really had 1 big fight. When one of us is angry or upset, we take some times to ourselves to process the information and formulate a response, when we are upset we do not speak in the moment, we do not speak in anger, sometimes we go to different rooms to text, it’s a lot easier to say exactly what you mean when you’re reading it as you’re typing, you can recognize I’d you’re using the wrong phrase and if it could be hurtful, or it’s it’s constructive
1 Like
I don’t think there is anything wrong with an argument. But from what it seems you’re explaining it is worse than that. I wouldn’t think this is something that can last if you’re left feeling like this. I’ve been with my s/o for a long time and we definitely have had arguments, disagreements but we have learned and grown together that most the time they started from misunderstandings. The second I’m called out my name or anything is aggressive I’d be gone
What helped for me and my husband was having family meetings. We’d pause Sunday afternoons to discuss things. If you have a general beef or problem, put it on the agenda. Everyone thinks about it all week and comes with ideas and solutions and commits to listen without interruption. The requester should put things in a positive light and ask for change. Don’t say, “The house looks like a pigsty.” Say, “I’d like to have the house looking neater, what can we all contribute to make that happen?” It also helps to think small and specific: “I’d like the living room to be neater. It would help to clear the coffee and end tables of papers and dishes, and to vacuum every other day. How can we make this happen?”
It helps to have an object for the first speaker to hold and no one else can interrupt. Then the other person gets the object and restates what the first person said in their own words and can ask any questions. Then the first person gets the object back and either agrees with the interpretation or clarifies. The other person restates the issue in their own words. This goes on until both are on the same page.
At no time should anyone raise their voice. Think of it as a business meeting. Each person should try hard to openly and actively listen and not think about a response. If you want to butt in, you’re not actively listening. Do not judge or name call the other person.
The first person asks for what they want to happen. The other person thinks about how they can achieve all or part of the request. “I’d like to go on a fancy vacation. How much money can we afford to spend?” “We can go on a weekend camping trip to a state park now, but if we save $200 a month for a year we can go on a 5-day cruise with tips, or we can each save $25 per paycheck for six pay periods and spend one night at a bed and breakfast, or maybe two nights during the week.” Brainstorm together but only one person speaks at a time, handing over the object when they are done speaking.
You can have as many agenda items as you want, but usually five is the max, and meetings should last no longer than an hour or two if everyone involved can sustain interest and not get impatient. Some issues take longer sessions than others, some are easier to resolve.
It can also help to have someone write up any new behavior/decisions and post the info on the refrigerator. If things aren’t working as decided, how to encourage/enforce/make it easier to succeed will be an item on the next week’s agenda. Once a week is usually a good interval. It’s also a good time to review the schedules for the week ahead and check to see everyone has what they need.
If you have access to individual and/or couples therapy it helps to start there, especially if you’ve not had the best examples in your life. It takes some practice to learn to actively listen, be patient, wait until it’s your turn to speak, and resist becoming hostile, so having a trained professional act as mediator is super helpful.
If you can’t stay calm/neutral or can’t arrive at a full or partial solution, table discussion until the next week, or postpone until the next day when you resolve to be calmer. Might be helpful to play soothing background music. I found it also helps to end by saying something positive/why you appreciate the other person to end the family meeting.
This system also works wonders with kids who can talk and think clearly, possibly by age 3, more so by age 6. The youngest should be first to speak and may be excused for any decisions that don’t necessarily include them. Encouraging family cooperation is a great way to demonstrate good habits and healthy communication.
Here’s some really simple advice.
Name calling is never acceptable no matter how mad you/someone is.
Yelling is unproductive…if someone is screaming because they’re angry/upsey/frustrated they’re not communicating in any kind of way that’s going to get the results they want.
And if arguments do go south and get quite heated, you and your partner should be able to identify when you need to stop, drop it and come back to it later. Everyone has moments that they’re not at their best, we are only human after all but it’s so important to be able to self reflect and know when things have gone sideways and change direction.
And finally… sorry don’t mean shit without action to back that up and show you mean what you say.
Learning how to communicate effectively is something that takes time and needs both of you to work at it, but if things are ending in hurt regularly…something is really wrong, not just the issue that starts the arguments.
There’s never a good reason to call someone hurtful words! I’m a firm believer in dunk words & angry words are the true feelings! If your SO is calling you hurtful words, you might want to consider finding another SO!
We don’t yell and definitely don’t argue in front of the kids… if we have a disagreement we usually give each other space and talk about when we cool down…never call each names or anything we are not children… and if he did call me a bad person or mean things I’d know I deserve better and would walk away…I wouldn’t let my kids see that
Stick to the problem. Do not attack them as a person.
If the person is supposed to be in love with you then how can they call you a bad person? …… why yell at someone ? It doesn’t accomplish anything. Better to just talk it out to get to the bottom of the problem. People who yell usually find other people who yell … and if your not yelling then get the hell out of the relationship coz no one should yell at anyone