I just lost my mother to covid. I live a few states away and my dad is recovering from covid himself so he’s put the funeral off 3 weeks to make sure that he can be there. I have a half sister that was very abusive to me and my little brother when we were kids that will be there. I wrote her out of my life 16 years ago. I have diagnosed PTSD due to her abuse and so does my little brother. I want to be at the funeral but I don’t know how to cope with my abusive sister’s presence. Just to give you an idea of what she’s like she used to beat me with a wire hangar while my brother watched then forced him to straighten that hangar out when she was done. To answer some questions my dad was rarely home because he was a long haul trucker and my mom worked as well full time and had an hour commute. So that left my half sister in charge. The last time I saw her I fought back and was the only one to suffer consequences. That was when I told my family that I was done with her. I don’t want to ruin my mom’s funeral by making it about our feud but the only person who would be able to tell her to stay away was my mom. I am worried my other half sister might try to make us fix our relationship but I am just too traumatized. What can I do?
Just ignore her. It will be awkward with her there but it’s your moms funeral, don’t let her ruin that. You’ll regret not going. If she tries to talk to you I would say “I have no intention on talking to you, I’m here for my mother’s funeral. Please leave me be” That is not the time or place for her to try and do that anyways. I know it’s hard to be in the same room as your abuser but just try to ignore her, don’t even look at her.
I would treat her like any other stranger that showed up to pay respects. Just say “thank you for coming” and move on to speak to another. Or maybe don’t even speak to her at all, tbh. If you see her approaching, head for another cluster of people to thank. If she pushes the issue, just be matter of fact and let her know you aren’t going to disrespect your mother’s funeral with this nonsense, and then walk away.
My former step-daughter (who is 41 n still calls me “Mom” n calls my now husband “Dad”) has a real issue with her abusive bio-Dad. They both attended her first cousin’s funeral some months ago, and she was doing an excellent job of avoiding him so he couldn’t speak to her at all. At one point, he did literally grab her by the arm and attempt to pull her away so he could speak to her—to which she did yell out for him to not touch her and to stay away from her. Other ppl saw and heard the interaction, n her adult daughter (whom he had not met—she refused to let him meet any of her 4 children up until that point, and they have no relationship to this day) n childhood friend both intervened and got between her n her father and steered her away. You may need a “wingman” for this; but funerals are for the living, so that they can have closure. I feel you will regret it if you don’t go and allow her to deprive you of just one more thing….
Sounds like she was super-jealous of you and your brother growing up. That speaks volumes on her character, not yours. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom.