Basically, I will never refuse my son or his dad a relationship. His dad comes and goes, for the last few years, he’s only seen him on holidays, thru the family. I don’t usually know about it until he comes home telling me about it. My son is seven next month, and he sees my boyfriend, who is a great dad to his kids (treats my son as one of his own as well) his school friends talk about their dads, and he’s getting these feelings every so often of getting upset about his dad, that he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t come to see him or spend time with him… what can I tell him? I want to tell him his dad is a pos and only cares about himself, but obviously, I can’t do that as I don’t want to influence his opinion about his father. The last time he saw his dad was at a random time at his grandpa’s, two weeks ago, the first time he saw him since Christmas. And before Christmas, he hadn’t seen him in a year. He comes home angry, happy at first about his dad, and then melts down, bawling because he misses him. I just hold him and tell him I love him and that his dad is missing out, and that I’m sorry. Is there anything else I can do without bashing his father to him??
My sons father has always bee absent and I have made it known from day one. Just be honest, always
Just tell him his daddy is working on himself.
Have him ask dad why he isn’t around. I made excuses for my ex and walked into DQ one day and he was sitting right there. I looked like a liar to my kids. (I said he couldn’t see them due to work). Their therapist told me to never lie for guy and said the kids should ask dad themselves why he doesn’t see them.
Maybe tell him your BF would be happy to help/participate in the cases his dad isn’t able to attend. Make it about him “not being able to” vs “not wanting to”.
Don’t make excuses, just tell him you don’t know why his dad doesn’t make the effort. Your son will realize one day. I know it’s heart breaking. prayers for you and your baby.
I think your doing the best you can. Just reassure him you aren’t going anywhere.
I wouldn’t lie for him. I would tell your son that you don’t know why his dad does this, that you wish he wouldn’t, that you and so many people love him so much, and that your boyfriend would be happy to do things with him, I would also ask your boyfriend to Reiterate that, and if your boyfriend is cool with it, have him step up and take an active role with him.
This is what I told my now eight years old daughter when she started asking questions “I’m sorry that these adult problems have hurt you and made you question yourself. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are worthy of all the love in the world. People make choices when they’re not grown up enough and don’t realize that raising children is a BIG responsibility and sometimes people just aren’t ready to take that responsibility.”
I went through this with my son sadly. Sadly you can’t say anything against the POC because it’s still his father and part of him.
Just be there, remind him how very much you love him.
Don’t lie for him. But also, don’t say what you really want to. You just have to say, “I don’t know buddy. I wish I had the answers for you. I wish you weren’t hurting because of him. Maybe next time you see him you could ask him”
Never lie to him because he will figure out that you lied and resent you. Just be as honest as possible without going into detail. My kids know that they can see or talk to their dad but their dad chooses not to. And I’ve saved every message so they can read them when they are old enough.
My daughter just turned 10 (she was 3 when her dad and I split) in the beginning he picked her up his weekends for a few months and then started missing some. It’s been 6 years now and gradually over the years he’s just stopped picking her up altogether. However his sister does pick her up kind of often when she can and of course she sees her dad then. Thankfully she’s never really questioned it but I know it bothers her. He does have other children with the girl he cheated on me and left me for and she loves her siblings. I would just avoid saying anything negative and let him make his own decision about his dad. You can’t force them to be there if they don’t want to be. He will eventually likely hate his father though. I’m sure my daughter will resent hers eventually as well but she has an amazing step father so that’s all that matters to me! Good luck!
My son is 2.5 and daddy is his favorite parent/person in the whole wide world. Unfortunately he couldn’t be trusted to watch them babies (our son and daughter is 6months) while I worked and I had to leave work three times because he got too drunk and on top of that he would argue with me and try to hurt himself in front of our kids so I made him leave until he can get his stuff together. When my son asked where daddy is I tell him the truth. He’s sick and needs to get better before he can come home and if he can’t get better he can’t come home. He is only allowed to see the babies when I’m around or my mom is home.
Maybe talk to his dad about your son’s feelings… if he doesn’t know it bothers him he wont see a reason to change. Talk to him first and see about scheduling some visits or an overnight . There should be no other discussion on your part with the father other than this.
Sometimes just talking the truth sets both of you and your son free. The crying stops because you explain the truth-- your father just doesn’t want to see you and be part of your life, if it is just holidays, teach him to be thankful. You can ask your son, if he had a boy just like him would he be absent-- then explain not to be like his own dad–then let his father know what you said. Its either his dad steps up or not.
You just gotta let him form his own opinions about his dad. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to see your baby upset. You’re doing good by letting him express his feelings about the situation and not saying anything negative about him. Your son will eventually get to an age where he will realize that his dad is the one missing out the most and he will see his true colors.
“Oh he’s working, sweetie.”
Quick juxtaposition to something else. Simple as that.
I went through this with my kids before their father passed away. You’re doing all you can just by not bashing his father to him. I refused to do that to my kids too. And just be there for him when he’s angry and upset. It’s such a hard thing to watch your child go through. He’ll eventually make up his own mind about his dad. Just be there for him until he does. Hugs Momma, you got this.
Tell him that everyone makes their own choices. That he does what he thinks is best. That he knows he is loved abd taken care of with you. That you dont have all the answers and that your not suppose too. Not everyone has a father around. Not everyone has a mother either. That God puts people exactly where they are suppose to be and that one day when he is ready he can ask his dad the questions he asks you but until then he has everything he needs in that moment.
Something similar that I told my daughter. Your a good mother for allowing your son to form his own opinion and not to bash. Kudos to you mama. Your doing a good job.
You need to be as honest as you can and you must stop these visits as its causing more harm than good. Take it from someone who raised 4 children already and I myself had a father that did this. His absence won’t be missed. The only reason he’s feeling this way is because you ha e continued to allow this. Your son is learning that there are no boundaries and that his wants, needs and feelings aren’t important and can be neglected because his father is entitled. If he can be regular and consistent then he doesn’t need to be involved at all. You may feel like the bad guy but believe me, your son will thank you one day for saving him from a lifetime of heartache
For mine I sat them down and explained that some people just aren’t meant to be “daddies”, and that that doesn’t make them a bad person and definitely doesn’t make them a bad kid. And that I would always have their back and be right there for them.
My sons dad isnt in the picture at all. He tries to be when he is in jail or prison but its not a part time thing to parent. My sons dad is also a addict so i protect my son from that lifestyle. However i am very honest and open with my son whose 8. I never speak ill about him about his father because i dont wsnt him to think half of him is bad. However my son knows his dad is sick and in prison for breaking the law. I think communication is key with a child, and luckily he has your boyfriend in his life as a male role model.
I tell my 8 yr old daughter the truth, to an extent. She has asked me for years & I put it off the best I could until recently. But I just told her, he’s not good for her. He’s sick right now & he needs help.
Just stay the course. Try to contact his father to let him know his son misses him (some dads think they aren’t needed, especially if there is another man in your life… idk why, I have just seen it a lot). Tell you son the truth. You don’t know, but you know he loves him. Some people just aren’t good at staying in touch. No need to bash him. Hugs
My 12 year father is a registered sex offender I was 14 he was 19 and my 9yr old father tried to murder me in front of the 12 year old! I am always open and honest with my children and when they ask me questions I only answer truthfully what I can from my side and when the time comes it’s the fathers who will have to answer for their absence in my children’s life! Yeah it sucks but in my opinion always be honest and you cannot answer from the other person side they need to do that!
I always just tell my son that his father wasn’t ready to be a daddy, but that he loves him very much and that my boy did nothing wrong to influence his fsthers decisions. He hasn’t seen my baby since he was 8 months old and now he’s 4, so it’s difficult. You can do this mama
He’s very lucky, actually, to have 2 dads. One isn’t very efficient, the other is great. Sometimes there are males who don’t know how to do the dad stuff.
Be honest witnout bashing or directly insulting his dad. Or tell him you don’t really know exactly why his dad is the way he is, but reassure him that these feelings are normal and you are ALWAYS there for him. Consider a counselor, and if hes willing, have your bf try and spend more one on one time with your son and strengthen their bond
Maybe explain to him some people aren’t ready to be a dad, just like some people aren’t ready to be a mom and that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you
I think you should tell him that if he chooses too them your bf can be his dad and also him about calling him dad. Or even referring to him as dad around his friends etc.
My son is 5 and my bf and I been together for almost 4 years (I left my bd when my son was almost 6m) and we just had our daughter together 6m ago and if you ask my son who his lol and dad is he says my bf but he calls him by his first name but understand that a dad is someone who cares for you and is there for you. His bio dad sees him once a week but calls him ‘papa’ instead of dad so he sees my bf as his dad moreso.
Your son will see who is there and who loves him and I would enforce a little more step dad/son time with your bf.
I never talk negatively about my sons father, or talk about him at all unless he brings it up and I never lied to him… I’m happy I didn’t. I told him some people are not ready to be parents, or just simply do not want to be a mom or dad. It’s hard and a sin to see them go through wishing they had that figure, but I reminded him of how loved he is, and that he has to appreciate what he does have and not what he doesn’t have. He was satisfied with my answer, but every child is different. This happened around the holidays that he started asking, so I think it was triggered in one way or another. He will once in a while say “I wish my dad wanted to be a dad, but I am happy for my family and love you guys very much”
He’s the litrally the sweetest most emotional child ever lol.
My daughters father was super active and they had an amazing relationship until she was 7. Then he vanished and hasn’t seen her since. Doesn’t even call on her birthday, no card, nothing. Now shes 12 and she knows he has drug issues (she asked, I was as honest as I felt was appropriate) and she says she hates him and doesnt know if she ever wants a relationship with him at this point. I told her it is entirely up to her if he reaches out to decide if she wants to see him but I will put boundaries in place and he wont have her alone. She gets it. Shes messed up, on anti depressants and in therapy but not because of my honesty. Because of her severe abandonment issues and she has pushed me away Im sure from fear of me leaving too. But I never will. Ever. And she will figure that out eventually. Til then we are just making it and we will survive day by day. You know what’s best for your child and what they can handle.
Some men just can’t stay in one place. They can’t control it, they just do what they think they should. No blame. He will grow and realize who’s in his corner and who didn’t regard him as being important to be around to get to know. Me and my 4, abandoned after 29 year marriage. My kids had these questions, I put them in therapy. They told her what I said, she agreed. But I was home crying. Ignorant fathers and mothers walk away all the time, I will never understand!! Good luck
Im struggling too. My separation is very new and my 5 year old thinks his dad walks on water. Meanwhile his dad hasnt asked about him in a week
You NEED to refuse him to see his father, you need to set boundaries. This whole in/out of his life shit is damaging and it would be better for him not to be in his life at all if that’s the type of ‘‘father’’ he’s going to be. Forcing a relationship when your baby daddy is obviously s* isn’t going to help.Giving your kid false hope about his father isnt going to help.
Lucas I’ll help you here I’m going to stepfather I talked to my oldest son never called him stuff my daughter has three children and two of the dads don’t show up for anything but Mom that her youngest child’s dad placed dad to Boca my oldest granddaughter who is in this predicament mess why doesn’t my dad like me and I told her I said you know what it’s not true he’s no good awesome we got a guy here Mr Dave your mom was Beyonce it’s going to treat you like a daughter he’s going to protect you and do everything you can to make your life happy along with all your uncles and your grandpa just be honest with him tell him remind him at all times it’s not his fault just tell him he’s not really the nicest guy in the world you hope the guy out girls and gets over but until your boyfriend wants to play dad let them Jimbo
I stay honest with my son whose dad was in and out since day one pretty much only wanted to see him when he was in jail only to get me to feel guilty and send him money… any other times it was because someone else told him to see him. I was never the kind of person to keep a father away from his son but after years of dealing with it i said no more… My son will be 8 he hasn’t seen his father for almost 5 years. He is an emotional child as is hes in therapy at school and has made alot of progress dealing with his depression and anxiety I refuse to let his father come back in and destroy what he’s accomplished. I stopped answering the jail calls almost 4 years ago he got out of jail after and has not tried to contact me yet again up until a cpl months ago he tried to contact my sister. I told her to not answer him back. My son is way better off without him he lives a lifestyle that isn’t good for my son to see. He only wants to see him most likely cuz someone is telling him to. I however do talk to my son and tell him if he really wants to see him to just tell me and ill try to make it happen. But my son wants nothing to do with him anymore. I just simply tell him I don’t know why he is the way he is I can’t control him and I can’t make him be a father but he has great men in his life. He has his pappy and my boyfriend and my sisters boy friends. Eventually they start to see it and form their own opinions. You don’t have to tell him he’s a pos obviously you wouldn’t anyways but he’s gonna realize it as he keeps getting older and it keeps happening.
How about the truth!
I lied to my son for years, and just said he’s busy and works out of town a lot. I did this so he wouldn’t feel like he was the reason. I wanted to save his feelings. His dad has since grown up, and sees his quite frequently. Everyone is happy now, and I guess I am happy I lied to protect his feelings. Sometimes you need to protect their feelings long enough till they are old enough to understand that their dad is shit.
First of all, I think coming in and out does more damage than staying gone. It definitely did for my baby.
I just told her that when mommy became a mommy she stepped up and her dad just didn’t. He wasn’t ready. It’s not about her, it’s about him. And she has always accepted that. It was rough for a couple years, but my boyfriend and I have been together a few years now and she’s known him for about 18 months now and she’s starting to understand what her dad did wasn’t what a good person would do to a kid. She is also 7.
My son is 11 and my daughter is 5. Neither of their dads are in the picture. And it doesn’t seem to bother them they never ask questions. I took my son who is 11 to a son and father nerf gun party and he never questioned why he doesn’t have a dad or anything. When we go to boys scouts all dads are their with their sons my son never questions it.
First of all by the sounds of it your son doesn’t have a dad. A dad takes care of his kids, loves them, teaches them etc. Teach your son that so he doesn’t grow up thinking that making a baby is all he needs to do to be a dad. Explain to him that adults make choices. Some good, some bad. His SPERM DONOR has made bad choices including not taking responsibility for him, his child. That this is his problem not your son’s. I’ve raised/am raising 3 wonderful children none of who have ever asked for their “dad”. They all know they don’t have 1. When they’re asked about it they will tell you “I don’t have a dad. I have a mommy that loves me twice as much.” We also talk a lot about different kinds of families. 2 moms/dads, 1 mom or dad, no mom or dad etc. The big thing is you not treating him like he’s missing something. Make him your world so he doesn’t feel like he needs his ‘dad’.
My son is 7 and his dad is not in his life. His choice not mine. You are lucky that he has your boyfriend. I tell mine that sometimes it’s hard for people to love and care for people the way they should. That his “dad” just don’t know how to. There are things that we do every day that some don’t know how to do. It’s hard and frustrating that they can’t get it right. I tell him that there is nothing wrong with him (your son) it’s just some don’t know how to do it.
My nearly 10 year old has never met his dad iv brought him up single handed … when he was 7 they were learning about family tree at school which triggered him asking questions I simply told him his dad wasn’t responsible enough or ready to take on being a dad but I loved him & wanted him so I kept him his never asked anymore questions regarding his dad but came home from school one day saying his dad is a waste of space & his glad he don’t see him… His lose my gain
You are doing the right thing, just be there for your son. It will take time but he will eventually see exactly how is dad really is, without you having to influence him at all. Been there done that.
My daughter has only seen her dad 5x in the last year and that’s because I took her to see him because she missed him so much. I just tell my daughter that he’s dealing with things that we don’t know about and he knows that I take good care of her so he’s focusing on making himself better. I have a wonderful husband who treats her as his own but the things she says and does sometimes just breaks my heart. I also got my child a therapist.
I always taught my Boys that God is the Fatherless ! And He is ! Say nothing about his father that is negative. His fathers
Speak volumes . Sadly , your son will see things “
Clearly “ before you know it !
My oldest daughters dad is absent due to a drug addiction. When she started asking questions (around 5 or school age) I told her that her dad wasn’t making the best decisions right now. I would elaborate as she could comprehend given the age she asked. She will be 13 next month and for the most part understands the situation. I’ve tried to spin it into a positive by using the situation to create empathy. We don’t know what someone else is dealing with, we don’t judge someone by their appearance (like drug addicts), and she knows the consequences of drug abuse.
I was right where your kid is. My Dads parents were always there for me. They helped my Mom. They would watch me so she could work. My Dad never came around. I only remember seeing him a handful of times. And only spent the night at his house once. I just stopped asking. I never understood. I still don’t. Even at 40 almost 41. He was 17 when I was born. My Mom was 19. My Mom and Grandparents along with my Step dad raised me. I didn’t need him anyway. I may have thought I did. But didnt. When I turned 18 the state sent me this huge packet of paperwork to fill out to get child support out of him. I just threw it away. Didnt feel there was any point in it. He did buy me my first car. Which took me months to even go get. I honestly didn’t want anything from him. And I was 20 when he did that. I had my own place. A goof job. I just walked everywhere. Guess he didnt think that was right or something. But I had no issue with it. I just stopped asking those questions. Went on with my life. My Mom never had the answer and I knew by look in her eye that she didnt. She would change the subject. Its ok to say I don’t know. Honesty is better then not giving an answer at all.
Maybe, that his father loves him very much. Some people aren’t ready to be mommies or daddies, even if they thought they were. His daddy knew that you would be better for him. And that he might not be around much, but that he loves him still. And that you’re here, and you chose him. (your child) I always tried /try to be truthful with my kids. And the truth is that even though their (my older boys) biological father didn’t show up, he does still love them. The world is hard enough on a kid, they don’t need to ever feel or think that their parents don’t love them. Even when their parents suck.
Tell your son that you and your partner love him and that he’s extra special because he has a Dad that Stood up and chose him. Tell him that he has extra love because he has 3 parents and he’s friends only have 2. Flip the negatives to positives but, also be truthful.
I’d just say the man who fathered him made lots of poor choices and decisions, that he’s not inherently evil.
If he’s willing, I’d say your BF is his acting dad. I’d also see if bio dad would relinquish his rights as he seems to have so little interest in your child. That way you’d have full custody and he wouldn’t come into your son’s life just to crush him when he leaves again. You’d probably have to relinquish any child support though. If you ever marry your BF you could see if he could adopt your son.
Therapy would be helpful honestly
I told my granddaughter that her dads heart & brain doesnt work right & he cant love her right & she agreed @ age 8
There are lots and lots of children’s books, and adult books by professional therapists, on how to help your children navigate these feelings. You can also probably call around and find a therapist, or even the school may have someone, who can meet with both of you (even just a few times) to help you both talk this out. It also sounds like he regularly sees his father’s family throughout the year. Perhaps you should sit down and have a good chat with them about it. Maybe without your son initially, just to see what they think about how to handle it. Either way, please please please go do your research and take suggestions from professionals before taking suggestions from Facebook on how to help your child through this, so that you can manage it in a really healthy and well rounded way. This can make or break him. If handled poorly he can end up with anger and abandonment issues, so I beg of you to get real genuine advice from people who know how to handle this stuff.
Say “your dad is a piece of shit”
My son is almost 7, and he has been okay. No anger or anything from his absent father. I’ve always told him his father loves him but wasn’t ready to be a
Daddy when he has asked bc his friends have fathers. Recently his father does want to see him and be in his life and says he is financially able to help now. I told him it wasn’t about the money, but that our son needs his consistency. And he seems serious enough this time so I’m going to allow it if my son Agrees.
Coming from a mom with a now 14 year old. He has been through the same thing since he was 5 I’ve told him how I felt without downing his dad in front of him. When my son turned 10 I gave him the opportunity to have his dad in his life or not and my son chose for him not to be in the picture. My son is now 14 and has no doubt in his mind he knows who will always be there. I will say for a while there was a void in his heart but it was replaced with love from others. Don’t give up. My son said you don’t need a dad to become someone great you need yourself to become someone better.
Had this happen. My son hasnt seen him in 12 years. He is 14 now. My husband has raised him the last 13 years. Has called him dad for a long time now. As long as they have a decent male role model in their lives its fine. Even without one they will be fine. I just said his birth dad loves him but doesnt know how to be a dad. Its hard but im not going to force him to be a dad. He should want to be there. Would never stop him seeing him but cant see it happening. At the start i spent so long trying to arrange it all but he didn’t care. Sad as, my son is amazing
My daughter is in the same boat, almost 8. Her dad is an addict and goes through periods where he wants to see her and will ask to see her every three months, then we go a year or two without seeing him at all. She had questions too and didn’t understand why he was so wishy-washy. I would just tell her that he had mental health problems and loved her but didn’t know how to show it properly. She came to her own conclusion recently that he sucks and she doesn’t care anymore if she sees him or not.
So my daughter’s went thru the same thing. I girls are 20 and 15 now, even to this day I still will not say anything negative about their father in front of them. The only thing you can do is reassure your sone that you love him and will always be there for him. When yhe girls would ask me questions about why he never came around I answered with I am not sure and left it at that.
I told my son that his dad didnt know how to be a father thats why he dont see his …even tho he’s a sorry excuse of a person…
That’s a tough one. Maybe let him call his Dad and ask HIM why he doesn’t come to see him. These men often just forget they have kids. It’s sad, but very often true. He’ll realize his mistake one day, but it may just be too late then. The child may no longer care.
Explain that some people are just not good parents. Tell him his dad loves him but he just is not a good parent. Tell him he deserves better and validate his feelings. You can’t do anything else other than be there for him. He will figure it out
Tell him you’re sorry. Nothing really makes that easier for them. As he gets older he will have resentment toward him all on his own. It’s his dads loss.
I am married to a wonderful man. He is an amazing supporter, supplier, husband and father to our 2 little ones… however, my story was a little diff. My dad was married to my mom and in our lives as a fam until I was 11. They divorced (my dad had drug and alcohol issues) he would be there really consistent and then not. He would get a gf and then not come or be wrapped up in his activities and not be able to come… then he would be there again and the cycle would basically repeat itself every time he did/didn’t have a gf and every time he went to rehab. Eventually it started being rehab and jail and eventually prison… separated us. I didn’t take it well and felt abandoned by him, although I had a wonderful step father whom I still call dad even though him & my mom are divorced… there was still something missing. I had a very close and wonderful grandpa too and he passed during this same time. I struggled a lot. My mom never talked bad about him but she did cover for him a lot and sugar coat it for my child mind. One day once I was a little older it all came out and I too then struggled with substance abuse issues… and started the same cycle of in and out of rehab and then jail… and then I met my man and had my first child. I didn’t want them raised like I was, bc my husband wouldn’t allow that. He would take the kids and make me leave before I hurt them like I was. I was pretty damaged from it all, but finally got sober and had a great life again and then my dad killed himself, my world was shaken again and I was so mad bc I thought that he is always just not around and now he takes this way out so he can just not be around for the rest of my life and my kids lives?? I will never say that I am glad it happened, but I honestly feel that he is at peace now and not fighting the world with his demons anymore, most of my issues died with him and after some time, it has been the reason I have been able to heal and shut the book, that chapter at least in my life. My kids call my step father “papa” and aren’t old enough to know the story yet. They hear me talk about my dad and they think I’m always talking about papa. Bottom line, don’t lie to them, don’t sugar coat, but make it so that it makes sense for his little brain at the age he currently is. Use small words and don’t just say grown up problems bc that isn’t fair. As a child who went through the same thing and was pretty damaged from it all, just be real and allow him to ask questions. It’s ok to say I don’t know the answer to that question but maybe we can figure it out together. Good luck momma
I was In this same situation. I always told my son the truth, on an age appropriate level…now that he is grown, he does know the whole story, including my opinion on his father. He has met him as an adult…and I support that decision. I.told my son that I understand wanting to meet his father…and if he needs to do that, then he certainly should. But to never expect anything from him, not his time, attention, love, or the truth.
When is crying ask him how he is feeling let him let it all out.Let him tell u why he thinks his dad doesn’t see him.
I grew up in a very similar situation. One thing my mom always said when I would doubt his love or feel sad that my friends had what I so desperately wanted was, “Your dad loves you, he just doesn’t know how to be a dad. But he’s doing the best he can.” Like you, she would remind me how much she and the rest of our family loved me, and that usually helped. As I got older I was able to form my own opinion about him and we went from there. I’m so sorry for your little guy. It’s not easy, but you’re doing great. Just keep loving him and make sure he knows.
The other parent is in or out, not in and out. If the father can’t be a consistent roll in your sons life, why allow for him to continue to do this to your child. My daughter is now 10 and hasn’t seen her father or heard from. Him since she was 3. I don’t bash him in front of her. I often tell her how much she resembles or reminds me of him. Not everyone is fit to be In your child’s life though, parent or not. Maybe you need to reach out to the father and tell him your son needs consistency from him, or for him to stay gone.
Keep doing what your doing. Of course educate yourself like reading books but i think your doing great. I have a 12 and 10 year old girls whos fathers were always in for a little and out of their life much longer. So when i got married my girls made the decision to call him dad(both were age 10 when they decided to call him dad). He is amazing to them and now that they are older they understand and choose not to reach out anymore to their bio dads. So i say in due time he will know for himself but its not your job to show him. He will see on his own give a couple years.
My son resents his dad to this day 49 yrs later and refuses to have anything to do with him
I’ve told my daughter that her dad has something wrong with his brain to where her just doesn’t understand how to be a parent. He still love her so much but he need to fix his brain before he can be the parent she deserves .
Let him mess up that relationship my oldest called his bio dad Shawn lol. The boy will hate him for this. He is a pos dad for sure. Just let bf do as he’s doing for the son you have. It’s so hard on kids having in out In and then gone for 12 years good luck with this issue
I’m lucky enough that my son’s bio dad stayed out of the picture altogether since my son was a baby. We never talked about him until my son figured it out for himself and asked why his last name was different than ours. By that time he was old enough to make the decision that he didn’t care about someone that didn’t want to be in his life. He sees my husband as his dad and they have bonded a lot over computer stuff. Recently built one together. As your son gets older hopefully he will learn to accept it as easily as mine did, but it does make it more difficult when his bio dad keeps coming in and out.
Tell him the truth…age appropriate extent.
He can hear/learn the full truth in its entirety once grown
But don’t lie throughout the years. you don’t have to blatantly hurt his feelings but don’t lie either…”to a certain extent” with all information
Hugs. Not really. And if you compensate for the loss example buy gifts with his name etc it’ll give him a false sense of security and it will backfire if it comes to pass because they think it’s him being a good dad and it’s you being dadaclaus then when they are teens dad will be better than you. Hugs. He’ll figure it out. Not sure what his deal is but absense isn’t always a bad thing. However If you figure this out I wanna know too.
I went through something similar as a kid. My mom would not bash my dad in front of me, and would remind me that she loved me and he loved me, but he just didn’t know how to be a parent. He was dealing with his own hardships, and it had nothing to do with the amount of love he had for me. Now my dad is not apart of my life at all due to a lot of issues, but that was my choice and I’m now very grateful for my mom being the parent that was always around and always there for me.
Some parents should not be parents. Your son may be better off with his father not being a more prominent presence in his life. I know that is hard to hear. I have been there. I have a son and a daughter. Their dad never did see them on any holiday or birthday. He never took them for a week of vacation. I saw the pain they went through. All I could do was to be there for them. He eventually quit seeing them. They are adults now. They have not heard from him for close to ten years. He really missed out. His loss. It didn’t have to be.
Take him to counseling, he’s feeling a lot of big emotions that even adults have a hard time making sense of.
I went through this - you don’t . You just make excuses for him and talk him up -otherwise your son thinks he doesn’t see him because he doesn’t love him . When he grows up he will realise the truth and love you for trying x
It is very toxic to your son for him to be there whenever. It is worse than him not being there and I get it I’m a single mother but just explain to him that sometimes things just don’t work out in the ways we hope it will but that he has you and he will always have you. Tell him how much you love him and care about him, he is look for validation of importance. When a parents does what his father does it creates a hole and feeling of worthlessness at some age. Protect your son emotionally like you do physically.
First of all you need to put down the hustler, Either your husband stays if you still love and want him. Or huh e goes right after he explains to his son why the dad is such an asshole.