How do I help my now adult daughter?

My daughter just recently turned 18. She has been diagnosed with ASD, social anxiety, ODD, and depression. She has received multiple supports over the years to try and help address these ongoing issues but unfortunately they have not helped much to date. She is currently dis-regulated in every aspect of her life. She is at the point now where she refuses to take medication and seek further support from doctors or counsellors to address any of her past/ongoing struggles. I believe she is also struggling with an eating disorder as well. She tells me on a regular basis that she is tired of life and just wants to die, she has no plans of growing old. She says her body is tired and she has no energy to put in any effort. We’ve had numerous conversations about how concerned I am about her well being and I’ve pleaded with her to seek help from medical professionals. She said that if I take her to the doctor for support, she will lie about her circumstances and tell them what they want to hear. She has been sectioned at the hospital once previously so she is aware of the process and her rights. I feel trapped, and very worried about her.
41 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I help my now adult daughter?

Try cbd gummies or oils for her honestly

1 Like

Honestly u can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. U are just going to have to back off until she is ready and willing to get help

7 Likes

If you are in a legal state, please consider using cannabis. My daughter is now off of all pharmaceutical medication. Cannabis has worked wonders. My daughter is bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and manic depressive.

10 Likes

Have you worked on getting a guardianship for her so you can continue to make her medical decisions for her? If she is unable to take care of herself that’s probably something you’ll need to do ASAP.

5 Likes

She is an adult and though she has these issues there isn’t much that can be done unless she wants it.

1 Like

Been there as an adult. My thyroid turned out to be bad and I can’t believe everything that it regulates in the body. From your heartbeat to your mental health to your weight, anxiety it regulates everything. Mine was removed and I was better but not as good as I should have been. I’m very lucky to have a really good doctor that went further in blood test and since my every thyroid test was showing fine he decided to go a little further and found out that my free T3 was non-existent. It’s now been replaced for almost a month and I feel absolutely fantastic. I go to the gym I’m in boxing and horseback riding. I’m taking care of my house and my kids again. I will tell you I learned through this journey that small things like vitamin d and thyroid if they’re low can ruin your body and mind. I would encourage her just to go get a simple in-depth blood test from her doctor and have them check everything including her female hormones which also can make you feel like that and considering her age it’s very viable

7 Likes

Maybe a emotional support animal?? Mine really helps me. I have brain tumor/bipolar/fibro. My bandit is all i have to smile about somedays

7 Likes

Stop trying g to force her to get the help u think/want her to have. Ask her what she wants and what she thinks should be done speak to her logically…things cant go on like this u shouldnt have to feel like that it hurts u to see her hurting u just want to help she doesn’t deserve to feel like that but support her and what she wants weather u agree or not. As parents of adult children they need to see we are behind them no matter what it’s not our job to agree with adult children irs our job to support them have there backs still be there when they fall not to pick them up but to sit with them and say I know this sucks I know this is hard but u can and will get through it!!

3 Likes

Sometimes backing away is what is needed. She doesn’t want help, then she can go figure out herself how to survive and live without the comforts and distress of your love at every fall. Enabling her to continue to say no by giving her comforts is not helping. Time to cut the cord and bk away. When she’s ready and sees the need to change she will reach for help , let her know the door is open for when that time comes.

1 Like

My son is 29 and the same way. All you can do is make suggestions and hope they take it someday. In the meantime, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I have been dealing with this since he was 5. It’s awful and I feel your pain and anxiety. Hang in there Sis. What is meant to be will be no matter what we do to intervene.

1 Like

We have a somewhat similar situation and quite honestly I feel like the psychology community tends to fail a lot of these individuals😔 In my personal experience, for myself I mean for this part, learning the RIGHT information the RIGHT way for you has made so much of a difference in my life. Just talking to some counselor every week and going over all the things that stressed me out all week that they have no different ideas for how to deal with than what I’m already doing and the same resources I’m already utilizing, that crap got exhausting😫 I’ve gotten more out of like a 9 week anger management course than I got out of literal YEARS working with certain therapists and counselors😐 Once I began to learn like the psychology around not only my own issues but others as well, I was then able to understand it, maybe even why I developed it and bare minimum when you’re actively learning about it then you’re inevitably learning what can help to treat it or begin to change the thinking patterns that you inevitably see in yourself based from these issues. I didn’t change much the first couple of years I was sober and i thought a lot of the psychology stuff sounded like bs and once I realized that only I control myself, my reactions, my issues, I have become an almost unrecognizable person in a matter of just a couple of years and I truly credit that more to those classes and learning about myself much more than I would therapy and the way my treatment was handled. Now as for our daughter who is 13 going on 14 and experiences many of the things you mentioned here… Her journey is looking much different from ours and we can’t seem to find any “good” place that’s healthy for all in our home🥲 She adopted a lot of her thinking during our active addiction and before we changed everything about ourselves and our lives so nearly all of her habits that come naturally and the way she thinks, her perspective in this world, it is damaging to her future self but bc that’s what she thinks she wants and bc of her age, it becomes a total nightmare in our home to promote her to try healthy options instead. I’ve begun to put her into the same classes her dad and I took this year. The thing is we cannot FORCE her to heal though🤷‍♀️ We’ve decided at this point and this has been discussed by all and obviously we’re ever changing the “way” its done but doing so is absolutely not optional bc its now just a rule in this home… We continue to work on ourselves and grow as ppl! Every member of this household HAS to make goals and work towards them, further their knowledge of mental/emotional health and ways to attain that and actually spend the time and effort to do so. Her dad and I are choosing to just lead by example and she’s going to have to make some of her own mistakes bc it was messing with our own health putting so much into hers. I cannot MAKE her want to heal but this being our home and the fact that we support her we treat mental/emotional health similarly to a job or school🤷‍♀️ Obviously i cannot make her continue this when she isn’t living at home one day but under our roof there are rules that have to be followed just like any other parent and it’s not negotiable here. Maybe find her some support groups and classes that pertain to what she struggles with but beyond that healthy interests and hobbies to promote her having some things she cares about more to give her a reason to WANT to heal and grow? But I would sit her down and explain that her mental health affects everyone, just as yours does and any other member of your family… And so bc of that, just not putting an effort in is not an option. With our daughter the minute we let up and give her the opportunity to stop doing the things that benefit her she will too so for a good while it may just be more work for you but I know with confidence we are helping to instill better habits and showing them what to do and where to turn when they are ready! I’ve come to the conclusion that even if our daughter isn’t getting much of out what she’s learning at any given time she’s still hearing SOME of this info, she’s still learning, and so hopefully one day when she is more ready she will have some foundation and like I mentioned, I know she’ll know where to turn to further the info she’s touching on now as well. Good luck to you and I truly hope your daughter heals at some point bc I know all the issues mentioned above are a lot, both to live with yourself and you all to live around as well. Sending lots of positive to you and your family this holiday season💗

2 Likes

I second using cannibis

1 Like

Have you thought of cannabis if it’s legal where you are. Also a fur friend? Emotionally support pets can play a huge role in lives❤️

3 Likes

I have all of the same things please don’t leave her alone if she’s talking about not wanting to live. My family and close friends support helped me more then the dr’s, if I don’t feel comfortable with them I’m not going to tell the anything. It took finding the right dr for me to open up. CBD didn’t work for me, but that’s me it may do wonders for your daughter. Prayers for you and your daughter

1 Like

If she were to continue to refuse professional help, are you willing to do your part in preventing the worst? She is officially an adult, would you try engaging with her instead of trying to tell her what to do? Are you willing to go on walks with her, or share a Zumba/boxing lesson together? To go on mom-daughter “dates” where you just bond and not discuss mental health? To support her in making genuine friendships and connecting with healthy people? To learn about her favorite things and immerse yourself in her world? To cook and enjoy healthy meals together? Are you willing to pay for non-invasive treatment options, such as biofeedback, trans cranial stimulation, wearables that regulate the nervous system? There’s a lot you can actively do from the standpoint of a fellow adult who respects her choices, be them better or worse :heart: The worst than can happen is: her mental health will stay the same, but you 2 will have bonded and enjoyed your time together :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

3 Likes

You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

1 Like

Im a pysch nurse and mental health is so hard! If you are worried that she will do something to harm herself always make the call. Even if she lies her way out - usually a 48-72 hold can be done. All that documentation adds up overtime and is important for her own quality of life and safety.

2 Likes

this is sad, & unfortunately the outcome one day, might not be what you want, but she will be at peace with herself, It’s not what you want to hear, but she will be at peace, Now if she finds just what works for her, & I do hope she does, things will change, I have had 2 dear best friends that found their peace, And we all said, just maybe if I was there, or if I did this or that. And some did say, they were selfish, but they weren’t, And never feel that way. They had the help & the meds, but sometimes they are down deep in that hole, that can’t get back up, unfortunately, Keep talking to your daughter, tell her you are there to listen & for her always & hopefully she does find her way

You’re not saying does she work is she in school and she taking care of herself

Lord help this child amen

1 Like

Sadly people like this Won’t be helped if they don’t want to be. All you can do is stand by her and hope she is willing to hear you out. I pray for peace for you and her. I know how hard it is having someone you love struggle so harshly. Just let her know your her to support her. Let her know she is so loved and pray that she is healed​:heart::heart:

3 Likes

On a side note keep all texts from her, so if she states she does not want to live or will harm herself. You have proof.

4 Likes

First determine she is suicidal. How when where
Second. Whatcha her eating patterns but don’t respond, that includes s Crete eating.
Unless she is a danger to herself or others. She is an adult and s
You need to love her the best you can

1 Like

I have been/am in a similar situation. As I have some of those disorders… my mom tried to help but it ended up in a control of power :confused: Best thing you can probably do for HER! And yourself!! is just support her to therapy. Or a counselor/ care manager. And not enable her :frowning: I know it sounds so hard it is. But those steps must be made by her!! It won’t work otherwise. Took me about 10+ years to be thankful for tough love.

I know it gets frowned upon an awful lot, but maybe try getting her to smoke some weed. It helps me. A lot. And I’m in an illegal state… I don’t take medication myself and in most cases, I avoid it. May be something to look into. Good luck, mama. I hope your sweet girl gets the help she needs :black_heart:

3 Likes

Just be there. Talk to her don’t judge her. Don’t get mad tho yea it’s hard it’s scary.

I was her since I was 11 I’m 30 I’m still here I didn’t plan to grow old either but I was and got 3 great kids.

Life isn’t easy it’s always going to be hard and having mental illness makes everything harder. But life is worth staying for it really is. :heart:

You may have to gain adult guardian ship through the courts. Sound like she’s unable due to her mental health make clear adult choices. If you get guardianship you’ll have a legal Wright to make medical decision on her behalf. Praying for you and her.

6 Likes

Start with her food. Cut out anything that may have dyes, additives. You want whole natural foods as much as possible. If possible, a workout program. Foods are our number one reason for a lot of problems. No antidepressants or anything that’s not medically necessary, heart meds for instant. They make things worse. Weed can do wonders, they can help with appetite, sleep, a variety of things. But a workout of some sort will help a lot.

1 Like

If she’s not eating she will feel rubbish mayve get her to take vitamins that could help her moods and just support her and mayve in time she’ll start to feel better get out do nice things ect togeather

I’m very sorry that is your situation. I’m sending you a hug

I’m honestly in the same boat as she is and I’m 22 (except I don’t have ODD and I have different diagnoses). I’m sorry. I wish that I could give you some good advice, bc I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.

You need to record her making these threats. Depending what state you are in, you can commit her as well.

Check with your state. There are support groups and groups with others with ASD over the age of 18. Who would try and help her cope with society and life and show her how they are working to strive in it. Maybe she will let them help because they are and have gone through the same. She wouldnt even have to say anything. Sometimes just listening to others stories helps. It’s gonna be a rough road but hang in there. I pray she gets the guidance she needs.

Support her through her choices and be there for her when she needs you

Sadly teenagers won’t take things serious
I’m not sure what the legal age is where you are
For your kids being able to make their own decisions
But here in Australia
The legal age to make your own decisions
Is 18 yrs old
All you can do as a parent is give her the information
And let her decide if she is adult enough to accept the consiquences of her actions
Ask her psychiatrist or her psychologist to show her how bad it can get
As for the eating disorder
I’m an adult who suffers with bulimia
To the point I got down to 38 kilos (My ideal weight should be , between 55 - 65 kilos)
In a 5 month period
I went from a size 20 down to a size 8
I hid it and still do from many people
She needs support and encouragment
Its a very long road to recovery and not an easy road

Get guardianship or 302 her if she gets suicidal or violent in any way. Sounds horrendous but somehow that’s what needs done to get things done in the future.

I recommend a emotional support animal friend! I personally don’t want live most days or to grow old but I also committed to outliving my two cats :sleepy::sleepy:

4 Likes

Antidepressants aren’t medication that make you “happy”. They just make you feel nothing! Not sad or happy, mad or excited! It can only make matters worse… because feeling numb is a number one reason to give up… if you can’t feel any emotions, nothing affects you and that’s a scary feeling. I would recommend vitamins and maybe a diet change and an emotional support animal… perhaps a dog… that way she can walk them and get outside at the same time. I lost someone who took those antidepressants and it only ended up making them worse and ultimately deciding that being alive was no longer a choice… I hope she wins this battle. It’s a nasty one but I know she can :heart:
P.s. leaving positive notes around or even having daily affirmations can change your brains way of thinking. Whether or not she puts her whole heart into those affirmations just having daily ones can shift her mind into a more positive mindset

2 Likes

Her saying she wants to die is grounds to have her committed which is exactly what you need to do

Sign your rights over to her or you as a parent can call an ambulance she 18 and probably lives in your house call the cops they’ll take her to a crazy folks home