My husband and I have been married 5 years, together 10. We have an almost 4 year old daughter- who’s so perfect. I’ve been wanting another for a couple years now, but due to all our issues I don’t know if we ever will get there.
When we started out, we had nothing. I was working 2 jobs to make ends meet. We ended up moving out of state to pursue my career right before we got married. He took a job, hours were cut. We also found out we were having a baby. He then started his current job (decent pay, good benefits). It’s an insanely stressful, mentally taxing job and changing him drastically in the last 3.5 years he’s been there. He’s become so mean, dismissive and pretty self absorbed. He complains he’s missing out on our daughter and time with me, but his actions don’t line up with these sentiments at all.
We’ve gone through marriage counseling because I’ve had concerns in the past that aren’t being met with any effort/change.
He also complains that I’m “controlling” with money, so this is the reason he’s opened a separate checking account from ours behind my back and has $100being deposited in from each paycheck.
He has attribute me being controlling when I’d be on him for spending money. During this time of me voicing my concerns, we had no money, a new baby and he’d spend $300 a month on junk food/drinks at the gas station. I was told well “you want me to make money, I need to stay f**** awake”- just awful.
Another big issue… I just want to spend quality time together and have a little attention when he’s home. Reality is he leaves for work at 430am and gets home around 8pm, he then takes a 45 min shower. He’s off 1-2 days a week (usually weekday when I’m at work). We have maybe a 5-10 min conversation prior to him falling asleep when he’s been at work.
We never go out, he doesn’t plan things, I manage all of the bills (except a few he puts on autopay), take care of our daughter 95% of the time, set up appts, grocery shop/meals, clean, laundry, work my own full time job… I just want a partner and I don’t feel like I’m getting it. He’s also taken to smoking cigars daily (was former cigarette smoker). I’ve literally begged him to stop-we have a child and I certainly need him as well. It’s so bad health wise… Plus it’s disgusting.
When I voice my concerns( about anything), he gets defensive, dismissive or gets super angry and leaves the house for 1-2 hours to “cool” off. He comes back, takes his 45 min shower and never brings it up… if he does it’s to not accept blame or insinuate that I’m crazy / “this is why I had to leave”. He never apologizes for yelling at me or asking how we can fix things, just blames me. He pushes me to my breaking point and then calls my reactions of yelling back / being short “crazy”
He’s supposed to leave work at 6pm everyday, but something always comes up and it’s usually 730ish before he’s heading home. The other day he let it slip that “sometimes, I just don’t want to come home… because this is what I have to deal with”. I don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve suggested counseling again, but his lack of effort last time doesn’t have me positive. At the very least, I’m going to start it for myself. I just want our marriage to be happy and healthy. I’m getting to the point that I don’t know how much I can fight alone though…
My husband and I have been married 5 years, together 10. We have an almost 4 year old daughter- who’s so perfect. I’ve been wanting another for a couple years now, but due to all our issues I don’t know if we ever will get there.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I keep pouring from an empty cup?
He argues, goes out for a couple of hours and showers when he gets home for 45 minutes???
You don’t find that at all suspicious?
I think you need to chill. He’s obviously unhappy with his job, at the very least the amount of hours he puts in daily. 430am to 8pm? Anybody would be quick to anger and want time to themselves rather than deal with the stresses of having a family. I understand your point of views, as I’ve been there myself. But put yourself in his shoes. I’m not saying it’s all right and fine, cuz it’s not. But the man is stressed to the max when 90% of his time is spent at work, getting ready for work commuting to work coming home from work, and then he’s only got a few hours to be a normal human before he has to wake up at 430am and do it all over again. He’s even said he wants more time with you and your kid. Try to be a bit more understanding and helpful.
Its Suspicious With some of the stuff he is doing… However you Need To understand he spends alot of time at work and is stressed.
I think you both need a break, a separation. And maybe you should have a separate account as well as. I see nothing wrong with couples having their own accounts. I would stop doing anything for him. Meals, laundry, cleaning up after him, stop doing it. Act like he’s a roommate if either of you can’t leave yet. This will show his true colors. Either he will miss your relationship, which is hard to do if he’s really working that many hours at a stressful job or he will move on and live a bachelor life. Neither of you should put up with it and you both need space. Give it to one another.
Sounds like the man is just very mentally exhausted. I mean, the man works a lot of hours he’s going to be exhausted. He’s going to be stressed and he’s going to want to sleep. That 45 min shower is probably the only time he gets to himself, he needs that. He needs a break.
Hes definitely got some stuff to work on and whatnot but sounds like your a bit controlling like hes said. Couples Therapy would be a good idea but if he wont go then sounds like you allready have made the choice to leave.
If he is pushing you and then calling you crazy…He is gaslighting you! It will always be your fault in his eyes. If he is working so much it is causing stress, maybe change jobs
There really is only 2 options. Either stay and put up with it or end it.
You say you want a partner and I’m sure he does as well.
You’re acting more like his mother.
Tell him to get a different job that is on your same schedule as your job, or it’s not going to work. I feel like there is something else going on here though. He doesn’t sound happy. This might not be fixable. I’m sorry.
I would start counseling for yourself… but leave him… he’s a narcissist! He also sounds like he’s cheating….
It’s suspicious and he sounds toxic and narcissistic
You can’t change somebody that doesn’t want to change…
You can’t want to fix a relationship if the other isn’t willing…
He doesn’t show any concern for ur feelings and when u try to talk he gets defensive and turn the blame to u…
Only u know what to do… I can’t say to leave or stay… ur the one in the kitchen and u know what heat u can handle… do what is best for u and ur child…
Someone needs to change their job and or schedule. No wonder things are falling apart. If change is possible or even wanted at this point.
He’s Fkn tired 430am to 8pm at night all week. Get off his ass lol make positive change seems like your all about him and pointing finger. Other things seem suspect like leaving but he doesn’t seem happy at all. My husbands tired af too but he’s happy when he’s home w his family. Everyone’s diff idk
I think you need to seriously consider what you want from a marriage and whether you are likely to get it from your husband. From where I sit, reading about this sad situation, it doesn’t seem to me that you profit in any way except by sharing expenses? Like a roommate? Except, he’s saving money aside from the marital assets and YOU are not. That doesn’t seem equal to me. I think you need to rethink your situation and priorities, perhaps make a list of pros and cons. Then you need to act for your own protection.
You should not have to do it alone
Marriage is a two way street and a full time job hard work. Sounds like you can do much better and should seriously consider it. Your child deserves better. Good luck
I work a brutal job too, and I am guilty of everything that your husband does. I wish that my job wasn’t so insane. I often plan things and end up
Having to stay late too. It pisses me off when that happens. I don’t have answers for you. I’m always drained, exhausted, and probably as much fun to be around as baptizing a cat. My husband and I have talked about me taking a less stressful job…more and more often lately, but I earn so much more than he does rn and we need every penny. He’s agreed to kick it up a notch and work towards a promotion himself so that I can take a less stressful job and have a life. Odds are that your husband hates this lifestyle too. Do you work too?
You get what you allow. He has a pattern you fight, he leaves, comes home and takes a shower and goes to bed. He doesn’t have to talk anything through and life goes on. Win for him. You need to break the cycle by not allowing him to go to bed or take a 45 minute shower. That is if that’s what you want. Otherwise get an attorney and move on. Marriage is work and if only 1 person wants to work on it then that’s a huge sign. You could go to counseling and work on you but if he’s not willing to work on him or doesn’t see a problem with himself then there’s your answer. Take care of you. Take care of your child. Do what’s best for the 2 of you and remember that your child is watching everything that’s going on. This is there norm. Is that what the environment you want for them?
Sounds like hes corroding away who you are I would think this is a caustic situation it’s teaching your kid how you accept being treated
I’ve worked in a car plant with long hours and stressful conditions and let me tell you it isn’t easy. It isn’t just physically draining its emotionally and mentally as well. I get you’re exhausted as well because of everything you do. If you have any sort of help get them to take your kid for the night so you two can have a date and relax and reconnect. Even if it’s just a nap together it will feel good!
Go back to counseling by yourself just to get some clarity and to make sure you’re not playing a role In the issues you’re facing. To dissolve the controlling money issue:YOUR’S,(mad money) MINE (mad money) and OURS (bills,groceries, mortgage etc). Have a non confrontational heart to heart to update your shared/individual goals for each other, the family, and individually. Assess and act accordingly GOD BLESS GOOD LUCK
Money isn’t everything. Sounds to me like he’s exhausted. You cannot expect someone to work all day everyday to keep up with your money demands, and still come home and do everything that you want. Flip the roles around and you would be annoyed and exhausted as well. Yeah, I know it’s hard physically to work and take care of a kid and a home. I have 3 kids ranging from 1 to 13…but it’s also hard mentally to be away from your family and have to work all the time, then argue about you working all the time once home. I’ve been in both situations. Give him a break and tell him you would rather him be home with the family, rather than have extra money. If not…be will resent you and leave. He is, after all, the one that is missing out on his daughter!!!
Sounds like he’s burning himself out and everything makes him snap.
I would also be saying the same things he is if I leave for work at 4:30 in the morning & most of the time getting home at 8 pm, I would be tired & just want to relax, & not nag. Sorry, I worked 12 hr shift, get up at 5am , leave a little after 6, & get home by 8pm, I would get home, feed the cats, change the litter, make my lunch for the next day, take a shower & climb into bed, I wouldn’t want someone harping on me !!! Just saying… Remember you guys moved out of state to pursue your career, not his. Most men wouldn’t do that…remember that
Well it sounds like he may be exhausted if he is working 15 hour days. See if he can work one day a week less.
I’d be suspicious honestly. Everytime you fight he disappears and never brings up the argument again. And then the showering after he comes back is also weird… When you stop arguing back, I feel like that shows you stopped caring. He’s home way late everyday. He obviously doesn’t truly want to spend more time with his family or he wouldn’t do this. Also the 100$ a week behind your back in a separate account is sketchy. It sounds like you’re trying to fix things and he doesn’t care about anything. Not everything is gonna be 50/50 but you both should each be doing your best and he is not. I honestly think you guys each are in totally different mindsets. You’ve already tried counseling. I’d start setting money to the side in a spare account too if I were you. You deserve better than a partner that doesn’t try. And your daughter deserves a father who is present when he can be. Your relationship will never work if only one of you is trying and I don’t see him ever going to. It seems like this may be the last chapter of your marriage and woman to woman, it sounds like he’s being unfaithful. Everyone says “oh he’s tired” but aren’t you too and you’re still trying? You work full time and are the primary parent. That’s not ane excuse to me. Also doesn’t explain him not being home when he can be.
The hours he works sounds exhausting. My husband leaves for work anywhere between 2am-4am depending on the day and if he didn’t get off/home until 6pm-8pm, I tell you what… he’d be a angry person too. That’s just not okay. I think your husband needs a new job. No job is worth spending your entire day there.
Now we need to hear his side.
That separate account is a red flag…
Ur over reacting on everything u should really pipe down before he just gets sick of it leaves u for good leave that poor man alone
I think all ur finger pointing is annoying too…I’d be super defensive if I was doing all that for my fam then come home to be constant complained to how its not enough u want more I’d be saying wtf too!!!
you are already a single mom–make it official and focus on yourself and child so you don’t also have to deal with a man child
Sounds like he’s exhausted. Sounds like your exhausted. Something has to give. Let go of your expectations and you may see a change. Make home a place he wants to come home to. He has expressed he is unhappy with the current situation. We can only control our own actions so focus on what you can do and stop nagging him about what he “should” do in your eyes. No one is useful to anyone when they are burning out
Im in the same scenario… im só sad i cant stop crying he screams for everything… i just want to disapear
He’s exhausted well change job wants more time with daughter change job too many hours change job but don’t blame you for this his job His choice
File for divorce and go he’s never going to change
He sounds like he’s gearing up to leave for good. All these folks talking about he’s working long hours of course he’s tired, blah blah blah. Clearly can’t read considering he’s CHOOSING to stay out late everyday. He’s obviously not invested in the relationship. I say let him go.
Wow…Seriously people? She is doing EVERYTHING while he thinks he doesn’t have to do anything, stay out after work and then come home, shower and sleep while not helping take care of his kid or wife. Are we living in the 50’s? “Leave the man alone” my ass! Men have been left alone for centuries and still treat women like they are slaves! Leave him now! He is shady,
Ask him if he wants to quit work for awhile and just focus on rebuilding the family
To me he sounds like a guy that hasn’t grown up fully to accept his responsibilities for himself or ur family. I think it can be worked out but definitely requires him wanting to do that counseling. He knows he’s wrong but won’t admit it like a child. I would see if u can convince him into counseling if not decide how what are your non negotiattbles… meaning what will you firmly not stand for. Once you figure those out you ll have a better understanding of what you want to do. And he has to be willing to work on himself and take ownership of his behaviors.
He is working long hours at a job he hates that alone will turn any guy into a ticked off jerk. If you want things to get better stop nagging him. When he upsets you write it in a journal instead of harping at him. Keep all of your conversations positive do you tell him you appreciate how hard he works? Do you tell him the things he does right? Instead of complaining him about the smoking ask if he will do it outside for your daughters sake while he is working a stressful job with a nagging wife he will not be able to stop smoking. You want change be the change you want you can’t make him change nagging will just put him into a screw you attitude.
Someone has to give to this marriage to work. IMO you have too many expectations from a person that is exhausted all the time AND you need to stop the nagging. Sometimes WE have to bite our tongue for the greatest good.
Sounds like he’s miserable with his job and all those hours, and doesn’t want to come home to be nagged. No man does, but I also think some schedule changes need to come into play or a new job. When it comes to gas station drinks and junk food… honestly you need that budget that in for him. For some people the little things and drinks they like are what get them through their day, and if he works that hard he shouldn’t have to not have those things. If he can afford to put money aside, he can afford to of had that budgeted in for himself in the first place. Just like someone buying their morning coffee for themself, maybe it’s a waste of money but worth it to them. You need to figure out if you both want this to work & for changes to be made, & make those changes together. If he’s not on the same page, then it wont work. You deserve respect as well regardless of how miserable you both are. Small steps will make a big difference.
Maybe hes cheating on you with someone at work and hes gearing up to leave . Maybe prepare yourself with some $ last thing you want to be is thrown out to the streets
Sounds like you might need some prayers find a good Christian church because without Jesus a marriage will have struggles and Jesus Christ can help save your marriage.
Sounds like he’s run down… Instead of bashing him on social media and pointing fingers , take a long look in the mirror at yourself… You all are such man haters on here… we don’t know the real story, she could be a complete controlling B*tch. Give the guy some credit, instead of taking it all for yourself
I think that you both need a change. Since he seems disinterested in the relationship you have then separate for a while. Then if you both still want what you have start over. Go out on dates find each other again. Then talk to each other and not at each other. Listen to him and come up with suitable solutions. Tell him that he also needs to listen and come up with solutions to things you see as problems. Life is hard and we all get into ruts that are hard to crawl out of. So instead of growling about the no time together change it up. One night have baby girl asleep a candle lit dinner for you two. No household issues or scheduling issues or Bill issues allowed that night. Talk about what makes you love each other. For one night reconnect. Good luck and God bless.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your relationship is over. One of you needs to make a move so you can enjoy the rest of your life.
Hes working those long hours to provide for you and the baby. Would you want to come home to someone’s bitching all the time
I’m sorry, but what does it matter how long he showers? I picked up on a lot more but I just don’t know what to say!
He’s got another woman sweetie,where do you think he goes when he leaves the house for 1-2 hrs to cool off+comes right home to take a shower???
Sounds like the poor guy is depressed and frustrated. He needs a break! Is there something you can change in terms of $$ or even the living situation to ease the pressure?
He sounds miserable. He has no life of his own, only expectations of what he should be from his wife. Sounds to me like hes trying to just LIVE, and cant do anything right by you. Not trying to be nasty, but I’d leave too.
Reread this. You’re complaining he’s tired aftwr work, complaining he buys himself a drink or snack at the gas station. Complaining he went from cigarettes to cigars (which you dont even inhale), complaining he leaves during an arguement (rather than stay and fight with you), complain his showers are too long, complain hes saving money, just because you dont have access to it, complaining because he doesnt want to xome home to be nagged. I honestly feel super sorry for him. How can you not see that YOU’RE the one thats self absorbed? He works his ass off, and is tired, and never being appreciated for his efforts, only beat down more by all hes doing wrong in your eyes.
It sounds like he needs to change his job. If you’re doing something stressful for 8 to 10 hours a day it’s hard to shut it and just leave it there and come home to hear more demands. Getting demands at work all day long and then at home is also difficult. I do understand you work full time and are taking care of everything. That too gets tiring. Men need to be told how much we appreciate them far more than women need to hear that. They need to know going to work at that stressful job every single day for many hours is worth it because we appreciate it. Unfortunately if he won’t go to marriage counseling or change a job that’s less stressful your marriage will end. It sounds like he’s already gearing up for that so you might want to as well. Since it doesn’t sound like he’s planning on doing that in the immediate future about the only way I can see to stop that and get him to be more helpful at home is you start making it very obvious you are appreciative that he endures working a job that he hates and exhausts him all the time. most people want the other person to give in first and to give first. If neither of you are willing to be the first one to do it then you can plan on the marriage ending very soon.
He needs to find a different job. A marriage will not work if you never see your spouse. If nothing changes after that then stop saying anything, no nagging, NOTHING. It looks like you have repeatedly voiced your concerns so at this point the best way to get the point across is silence. Worked for my husband.
Seems like ypu want it…he dont
to your mention of starting counciling
i suggest seeing if you can find a boundries class as well. Your local mental health might have one or can point you in the direction of an online one or place that holds them.
I took one this pass summer, it was very helpful in learning about how to set boundries for myself and also navigate other peoples boundries.
i actually still have the folder so if youd like to check out what’s all in it to see if youre interested in it you can fb message me and can send you some pictures of the pages. each group will be different but most will follow the same ideas.
From your post i feel like a lot of the issues you mentioned are in relation to your boundries ans his.
Try the Love Dare, get counseling, try finding a church, Church of Christ is a great one people to come along side you and actually be in life with you. Changed my marriage. Praying for you.
Lack of sleep is likely a big cause. He isn’t getting 8 hours of sleep. That is a huge concern for physical and mental health. That needs to change. He doesn’t seem to have time for anything but sleeping and work. That’s not ok and in my opinion needs to be the priority.
It seems like maybe a different job for him would help
Tell him to quit a d find a job that he likes. Happy man equals a less bitchy you hopefully.
I have been in this situation. It’s lack of support from the spouse. The constant nagging pushes him away which can fuel a depression. Try instead of always being on his ass about something, talk to him about his day. Ask him how he feels about things. Nicely ask for help with a thing or 2. He’s freaking exhausted trying to be what you want him to be. I dont blame him for being so short tempered. I’m that way myself. If he’s not meeting your expectations of what you want then you leave and let him be able to deal with what he needs to.
There is such a double standard here… people saying to leave him etc would feel different if he was a woman. That man is probably past burnt out, believe it or not men have emotions and struggle with mental health and the comments on here prove exactly why men hide it. Based on how you talk about him I would say you probably are controlling even if you don’t realize it. He probably doesn’t come home right away because it’s the only time he gets to himself. All the stress over time can cause alot of problems. Work as a team not as his mother.
He needs to change his job.
I kinda get it from his point though. I was the same with my partner and we had a huge fall out and then we had a huge talk about things and I get it. He was all these things because he felt he just wasn’t good enough and that he was miserable. He changed jobs and he’s so much happier
Been there, done that. His body is present but his heart and mind are not. He doesn’t want to be there and he’s blaming everything on you as an excuse.
Can he get another job that has fewer hours even if it’s less pay? It would be beneficial if you could synch hours. He’s working hard for his family and gets none of the joy of having energy and time to spend with y’all. How did you feel working two jobs?
And maybe he feels emasculated by your making more money and controlling everything. Once he has less stressful employment ask if he’d like to take over some stuff. And you could loosen up some too. You say he didn’t want to change, but how about you? Maybe let him pick the marriage counselor next time.
Slamming energy drinks and junk food to cope with his job could also be a factor in his personality change.
That said, maybe have a friend drop by on his days off to see if there’s another car, he doesn’t answer the door, or if anything seems suspicious. Have a guy friend check on him at work by showing up at random to invite him for beers after work. I know, there should be trust, but if he’s got a side chick you need to know.
Yes, continue your therapy and figure out why you need to be in charge of everything. I get having to budget and keep to a schedule though.
Sounds like he needs a new job. He sounds miserable.
It sounds like there might be another woman, although, if he’s bringing in the money and it adds up there’s not another woman.
You need to either get used to the idea that hes working hard as fuck for his family and deal with it for now or move on. It’s not easy working 12 hour days, of course he will be exhausted. I had to stop working for a few weeks when my husband got his brick laying job just because he was so exhausted. Make it easier on him, so then he’ll have the energy to be with you. This kinda shit happens. Do you want to work it out? Then you need to let go of your control. I wouldn’t wanna come home either.
That man works 15 hour days six days a week, of course he wants to do NOTHING on his off day. Do you ever stop to thank him? Go out of your way to show appreciation for him? Make his one day off better and not worse? I wouldn’t want to come home either if it was to a bitching wife. As for the money he’s better than me, I’ll be damned if ANYONE is going to tell me how to spend the money I work for. I’d have move my whole paycheck to a new account long ago. Everyone of these entitled woman in this post have no idea what it’s like to be a spouse to a Blue collar man. You sacrifice now so you don’t have to later. Be thankful or let that man go and be happy! If all you’re doing is contributing to his already long days than YOU are the problem, not him!
He is not happy at all. Let him him go. When a person does not want to go home after work as he stated yeah he’s not happy. Either give him some space or let him go.
He gotta get a new job ASAP
He sounds like he is burnt out and probably depressed… he voiced his feelings to you when he said he is feeling like he is missing out on time with his daughter and you, and he is likely more depressed because he works so much and cant really fix that issue considering there are only so many hours in a day… I would maybe talk with him and see if he would be willing to switch jobs so he is able to have a work/family/personal life balance (which is important for EVERYONE) he cant pour from an empty cup
Sounds to me like he is simply in survival mode. That takes a huge toll on him mentally and physically. If the job is causing more stress than it’s worth, then maybe it’s time to sit down and have that conversation. He sounds overwhelmed. Remember, you’re both on the same team. Your expectations are extremely high on someone who is spending 16 hour days at work. If he’s up and gone by 430 am, and not home till 8 pm, he has literally nothing left to give by 8pm. Put yourself in his shoes. You’re gonna have to both figure this out, and remember that while it may suck now, this isn’t permanent. But you do need to talk to him. And don’t start by listing off everything he does wrong, which would only make him defensive. Say something like, "Hey, your tank seems to be empty by the time you get home every night, what can I do to help you. " and start that conversation in a positive way.
He is burnt out and depressed, if you leave him now things could get really bad, he’s probably trying his best and if you leave and take your child away he will lose everything that means anything to him.
He is gaslighting you.
He sounds burnt out. You might not like it but for some smoking is Also a stress release and I can tell you being told I’m disgusting for smoking, I would leave. He isn’t getting enough sleep to even function.
He needs a new job and for both of you to understand from each other’s side.
So I read all about how he is contributing to the problem but what about you?
I am actually on his side. He is mentally and physically exhausted. That is a long ass day, at a job he has told you he does not like, so when he comes home there is nothing left in his “pot” for you. I am sure he does not mean to be rude, but there is nothing left in him to be the husband and father you may want him to be. But on the bright side he is working hard to provide for his family, give him a little time and space. Help him maybe look for a new job he may find more rewarding. If you are nagging him when he feels in his heart of hearts he is doing his best he will shut down completely.
Plus, let the poor man have some of his money. He earned it, let him have his snacks. Or whatever else he may need to find some joy in his life that sounds like it mostly consists of working.
Not to mention you said you moved for YOUR career. It sounds like he’s done a lot to be there for you and doesn’t feel like he gets the same respect.
Good luck, honey.
45 minute showers… Even after leaving during an argument. Sounds like he has someone on the side.
He is definitely burnt out and it sounds like he has resentment towards you… just remember all feelings are valid. You both are speaking 2 different love languages.
Wow. He gets up before 4:30 am and home at 8 pm? I’d be cranky af too. Why does he need to work such long hours? What does he do? Is it the commute or what?
If there’s resentment on one or both sides things will turn sour rather quickly. Sounds like you both need different jobs n days off that are the same atleast one.
Time to pack the bags and leave.
Better just get your mind straight that your marriage is all done.money in another acc# your not suppose to know about change of routines and doing different things to pist you off possibility to get you to say your all done so the blame doesent fall on him making it look like you gave up and that 45 minute ordeal in the shower is very strange maybe if you were in there also but alone thats crasy well good luck on your journey just keep eyes and ears open.
Wow. I feel sorry for the guy. Working all those hours sounds like a miserable life. He wants more time at home! U guys need to stop “needing” so much money. Maybe u should try a more minimalist lifestyle
Than dont ,go to a support agency.Do something for yourself ,its not being selfish.Pro active.Your child suffers to.
Leave him. You’ve already tried counseling and it didn’t work.