How do I keep pouring from an empty cup?

My husband and I have been married 5 years, together 10. We have an almost 4 year old daughter- who’s so perfect. I’ve been wanting another for a couple years now, but due to all our issues I don’t know if we ever will get there.
When we started out, we had nothing. I was working 2 jobs to make ends meet. We ended up moving out of state to pursue my career right before we got married. He took a job, hours were cut. We also found out we were having a baby. He then started his current job (decent pay, good benefits). It’s an insanely stressful, mentally taxing job and changing him drastically in the last 3.5 years he’s been there. He’s become so mean, dismissive and pretty self absorbed. He complains he’s missing out on our daughter and time with me, but his actions don’t line up with these sentiments at all.
We’ve gone through marriage counseling because I’ve had concerns in the past that aren’t being met with any effort/change.
He also complains that I’m “controlling” with money, so this is the reason he’s opened a separate checking account from ours behind my back and has $100being deposited in from each paycheck.
He has attribute me being controlling when I’d be on him for spending money. During this time of me voicing my concerns, we had no money, a new baby and he’d spend $300 a month on junk food/drinks at the gas station. :roll_eyes: I was told well “you want me to make money, I need to stay f**** awake”- just awful.
Another big issue… I just want to spend quality time together and have a little attention when he’s home. Reality is he leaves for work at 430am and gets home around 8pm, he then takes a 45 min shower. He’s off 1-2 days a week (usually weekday when I’m at work). We have maybe a 5-10 min conversation prior to him falling asleep when he’s been at work.
We never go out, he doesn’t plan things, I manage all of the bills (except a few he puts on autopay), take care of our daughter 95% of the time, set up appts, grocery shop/meals, clean, laundry, work my own full time job… I just want a partner and I don’t feel like I’m getting it. He’s also taken to smoking cigars daily (was former cigarette smoker). I’ve literally begged him to stop-we have a child and I certainly need him as well. It’s so bad health wise… Plus it’s disgusting.
When I voice my concerns( about anything), he gets defensive, dismissive or gets super angry and leaves the house for 1-2 hours to “cool” off. He comes back, takes his 45 min shower and never brings it up… if he does it’s to not accept blame or insinuate that I’m crazy / “this is why I had to leave”. He never apologizes for yelling at me or asking how we can fix things, just blames me. He pushes me to my breaking point and then calls my reactions of yelling back / being short “crazy”
He’s supposed to leave work at 6pm everyday, but something always comes up and it’s usually 730ish before he’s heading home. The other day he let it slip that “sometimes, I just don’t want to come home… because this is what I have to deal with”. :pleading_face: I don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve suggested counseling again, but his lack of effort last time doesn’t have me positive. At the very least, I’m going to start it for myself. I just want our marriage to be happy and healthy. I’m getting to the point that I don’t know how much I can fight alone though…


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I keep pouring from an empty cup?