My husband and I have been married 5 years, together 10. We have an almost 4 year old daughter- who’s so perfect. I’ve been wanting another for a couple years now, but due to all our issues I don’t know if we ever will get there.
When we started out, we had nothing. I was working 2 jobs to make ends meet. We ended up moving out of state to pursue my career right before we got married. He took a job, hours were cut. We also found out we were having a baby. He then started his current job (decent pay, good benefits). It’s an insanely stressful, mentally taxing job and changing him drastically in the last 3.5 years he’s been there. He’s become so mean, dismissive and pretty self absorbed. He complains he’s missing out on our daughter and time with me, but his actions don’t line up with these sentiments at all.
We’ve gone through marriage counseling because I’ve had concerns in the past that aren’t being met with any effort/change.
He also complains that I’m “controlling” with money, so this is the reason he’s opened a separate checking account from ours behind my back and has $100being deposited in from each paycheck.
He has attribute me being controlling when I’d be on him for spending money. During this time of me voicing my concerns, we had no money, a new baby and he’d spend $300 a month on junk food/drinks at the gas station. 
I was told well “you want me to make money, I need to stay f**** awake”- just awful.
Another big issue… I just want to spend quality time together and have a little attention when he’s home. Reality is he leaves for work at 430am and gets home around 8pm, he then takes a 45 min shower. He’s off 1-2 days a week (usually weekday when I’m at work). We have maybe a 5-10 min conversation prior to him falling asleep when he’s been at work.
We never go out, he doesn’t plan things, I manage all of the bills (except a few he puts on autopay), take care of our daughter 95% of the time, set up appts, grocery shop/meals, clean, laundry, work my own full time job… I just want a partner and I don’t feel like I’m getting it. He’s also taken to smoking cigars daily (was former cigarette smoker). I’ve literally begged him to stop-we have a child and I certainly need him as well. It’s so bad health wise… Plus it’s disgusting.
When I voice my concerns( about anything), he gets defensive, dismissive or gets super angry and leaves the house for 1-2 hours to “cool” off. He comes back, takes his 45 min shower and never brings it up… if he does it’s to not accept blame or insinuate that I’m crazy / “this is why I had to leave”. He never apologizes for yelling at me or asking how we can fix things, just blames me. He pushes me to my breaking point and then calls my reactions of yelling back / being short “crazy”
He’s supposed to leave work at 6pm everyday, but something always comes up and it’s usually 730ish before he’s heading home. The other day he let it slip that “sometimes, I just don’t want to come home… because this is what I have to deal with”. 
I don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve suggested counseling again, but his lack of effort last time doesn’t have me positive. At the very least, I’m going to start it for myself. I just want our marriage to be happy and healthy. I’m getting to the point that I don’t know how much I can fight alone though…
He works 15.5 hours a day and you’re getting angry about the fact he gives himself an allowance for the simple pleasures he enjoys during the day?
The showering thing is petty and ridiculous
Everyone wants to spend more and more time with their spouses and significant others but work gets in the way. It sounds like he is hard working and trying to provide and you are just simply ungrateful and nagging.
You take care of your daughter more than him because he is working double shifts 5-6 days a week.
Would you rather not have the money to pay the bills and fight over finances or figure out a way to work in time together
Sounds like he’s getting to be a good man supporting his family but you just want more, more, more 
He probably seeing someone. Why does he come home and takes 45 minute shower sound fishy to me. I don’t know you but I sure you can found someone who care for you and your Daughter. Don’t let him put you down. And open own account another red flag.i will praying for you:pray:
Oh my
First off, dude works from 4:30am-8pm and gets 1 or 2 days off a week. You go work that for years and tell me how you feel. Fuck even just go work that type of shift for a week. You also never mentioned anything about what he does during his days off, are those the days he takes care of the kid for the 5% that you don’t? You say you work a full time job, so you have childcare to worry about? Is he uneasy about that? Idk how you could take care of a child 95% of the time if you have a full time job. If you have a full time job and the child needs childcare or pre-k that’s not 95% of the time anymore
Regardless I know after busting my ass all day at a very long, and stressful job I don’t want to come home and get baggered immediately. Which yes, I can imagine you immediately start something as soon as he walks in the door which is why he tries to wash away his depression immediately after he gets home. Long showers simply mean depression. Nothing else.
He has voiced you make him unhappy. Get yourself counseling as I feel like you’re the type to not take criticism well but I feel like the problem is you. You have tried to push the blame onto someone or something else throughout the whole post even though you started it off asking if you where too controlling. Yes, I would agree. You talk about yourself and your feelings 99% of the time and you control nearly all of the funds instead of splitting them equally or keeping them seperate from the start. Then you got offended when he started his own bank account. Dude makes his own damn money, YOU make your own damn money- back the fuck off. You got offended that he smokes a cigar here and there, yet you don’t allow him any other joys in life. Everything seems to point to your happiness is more important then anything else which is not how a marriage works, sorry. While some people look for that type of relationship I don’t believe that’s what he wants. You should be damn lucky he’s still around, however its probably only for the kid at this point.
You best hope YOU can fix YOUR mess and learn how to treat people correctly. If they’re caring for your sorry ass the least you can do is lay off here and there. Seriously. Life is too short to want to do everything how YOU want it and personally I don’t know how he has the patience anymore.
If he gets up at 4.30 and comes home at 8…that’s a loooong day. Cut him some slack. Let him have his shower and his cigar. Or maybe you could hop in the shower with him if your child is already asleep. I know it is hard to see things from another perspective, but imagine how tired you would be working a stressful job for that many hours in a day.
Just reading this you do sound a little controlling. If he’s working that much why can’t he just take an extra hour to himself after work to distress and be fully alone. Alone time is important self care is important.
I drive a lot in my car every day and have to buy caffeine coffee etc. it’s not like it breaks our bank you don’t need to micromanage him.
Sounds like you can too do some compromising here as well.
He needs to get a different, less stressful job
I don’t want to immediately insinuate cheating but sometimes when a SO changes like this and starts there own bank account and spends money on crap, could mean either they are thinking about it or already have.
I wouldn’t want to come home to someone who times my showers just to nag at me. Just saying.
Def don’t have another child. Seriously, seems very far from a healthy situation with tons of chaos. Do what’s best for you and your daughter. Seek help and stay awake, denial will not serve you.
An angry man, gaslighting you. Read Out loud what you wrote…always helps to hear it from your on reasoning. Blaming you for him being unhappy etc. You fine you, be happy, you can not fix him.
Sorry to say but you would be happier without him. I never thought I could do it with 2 kids, but I ended being happier and better off money wise when I left my ex.
I think he sounds resentful and tbh a little broken. 430am-8pm is a LOOOOONG day.
Everyone saying “she works full time too”…working 8-3 isn’t the same no matter how you spin it. If you work less hours/commute is shorter etc then you should pick up the house chores.
I think he sounds broken and needs a new job that he enjoys and had more manageable hours.
Sounds like you want a one way street and are not considerate of his perspective or his problems.
His job sounds like a struggle and it sounds like he is probably sucking it up to support you because you complain so much about money. Rather than support him you complain about how long his showers are and the energy drinks he buys.
How about you go get in the shower with him?? How about you buy his favorite energy drinks in bulk at home to save money and show some affection??
Did it ever occur to you that maybe he feels the same, or even worse about the way you are to him?
All these people on here so quick to jump to divorce are pathetic honestly. Get a mirror, take a long hard look. Instead of trying to control his behavior (which you cant), CHANGE YOURS. Be the best wife you can be. I bet he comes around.
Marriage is a long, hard road. You will have ups and downs. He is helping provide for you and your child at the cost of his own health. This is not time to jump ship
He’s gaslighting you and that’s emotional abuse. If he’s not willing to actually try to improve through counseling, I think it’s best to go your separate ways. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly and him having a long (unhealthily long, IMO) workday doesn’t justify his behavior.
Run and don’t look back, you’re wasting your own time waiting for him to change.
A lot to unlock here…. I would like to hear it from his point of view.
I’m going to play the devils advocate because it’s takes two to make a relationship and two to end one. I see that you’ve written all thenthung he does wrong and all the thing you do and do them right but have you looked at your flaws and what you need to change to helonthe relationship. I also see a hard working man that gets up at 4:30 and works a very long day to come home and have his wife gripe that he isn’t doing enough. My husband comes home and plays his games for at least 30 mins to shut down , eat ,shower and then bed sometimes we have a conversation in between all that
Ditch him. He has already set himself up to ditch you. He evidently doesn’t want the responsibility of his current situation. Get yourself a lawyer and a counselor. Sorry for the heartache, but in the long run you will find someone to cherish you and your daughter.
Ask him what you can do for him. Start a conversation in a positive light and start actually communicating. Sounds like he shuts down if you bring up negative conversation about how you want anything to be better. Might feel like you’re trying to work towards the positive, but might feel the opposite to him.
I usually don’t say this to women, but…you sound awfully depressing. You are looking for a fault in another person without even having the slightest hint where the problem actually is. I can tell from your attitude that you are not going to listen to anything contradictory to your personal opinion, so if I could reach out to your husband, I would tell him to run, but then again, I know he might not because he actually cares about you.
Different job perhaps? Also as far as you’re concerned, maybe because you do take care of 95% of everything you are a little controlling. If I had just a little time with my man, I wouldn’t spend it griping about a cigar, ya know?
To be completely honest with you being 31 and struggling with addiction half my life this sounds exactly like how I would have been described by a family member or partner at many different points in my life. Maybe he has a drug problem? And I get it how everyone is saying this is one sided overreacting blah blah but is it though? Or is that just your opinion based on your subjective life experiences so far? Perhaps you lack the perspective needed to have compassion for someone who felt like they had a better chance of being heard by making an anonymous post on Facebook? Just a thought.
I see red flags but a lot of them are stemming from you. It seems like you may be controlling. If he wants to buy red bulls or cigars, what right do you have to say anything or be upset about it? The man works 80hrs a week. From this post it sounds like he is over it. He is only there because it’s familiar not because he wants to be. It won’t be long until he leaves honestly.
Unfortunately it kinda sounds like he’s already checked out of your relationship so to speak. I don’t wish to sound cruel saying that but based on what I’m reading that’s my impression. I think at this point you need to think of what is best for you and your child long term. You may want to consult a lawyer or two and discuss your options. Who knows, your relationship might improve with a separation or you may realize that you’re much happier without him there and that it’s better for you. I hope you find what works best for you and your kiddo
Stop being his mom. Don’t make his appointments. Don’t buy his food. Don’t pay his bills. Don’t criticize anything he does. If he doesn’t pick up the slack then go.
When my ex husband behaved this way, he was having an affair.
I now know his behaviour towards me was more about deflection and justifing his cheating.
I’m sorry y’all are going through this. Both of y’all aren’t hearing one another… you both are misunderstanding one another… and probably not validating one another’s feelings. Sounds like you guys trigger each other and then blow up. Which isn’t uncommon.
- Go back to counseling… consistently for 1 year. A few sessions isn’t going to make much of a difference, typically.
- Validate his hard work… everything he does (don’t add a “but”)… and compliment him… (he should do the same for you)
- If he wants to spend money on gas station food… who cares… sounds like he took that as you don’t appreciate what he does and he doesn’t deserve the gas station food and he isn’t smart enough to manage his money
- You should let go a little… pick your battles
- If he can carve out time to leave for two hours he can carve out time to give you a break from the kids and house hold stuff at least once a week after work (maybe every other week and every other week a “date night”)
- Both of you need to expect the best from one another and not the worse… like the gas station… you could of said “honey, I appreciate your hard work so much… I know how exhausted you are. I noticed we are spending $300 a month at the gas station… do you think there is a better way to spend some of that money or is there something we can do like prepare snacks and drinks for you to take to work? And please don’t take it wrong, because you totally deserve a pick me up and I get it’s convenient…I’d probably do the same… but maybe we can brainstorm some ideas to save a bit of that money and maybe cut down the gas station trips to $100 a month)
dont listen to his words, watch his actions. this is not love and he wont change.
I don’t want to say divorce, but maybe a separation is definitely needed at this point. You’ve tried counseling and it didn’t work so why waste the time & money doing it again? Just to get the same outcome? Not worth it to me.
Gaslighting you regarding your concerns and sounds like he’s got a side piece. Been where you are. Dumped his ass more than a decade ago and never looked back.
Pray for your husband. Give him to God. Ask for guidance. I prayed for my husband for a long time and he turned around. It took time but he is a Godly man now. Be patient LTC happens in God’s time not yours.
Obviously you are unhappy with the situation. If he doesn’t want to change or try to meet you in the middle. Then leave. then again if you are gripping at him Everytime he does something wrong I mean would you want to come home? I wouldn’t. Maybe you make him feel like he isn’t good enough anymore, because of the nagging. Maybe he does try to stay at work so he doesn’t have to listen to it. Why not tell him you are cooking his favorite dinner for him to be home at 6:15 he can have his 45 minute shower and then eat dinner at 7. I mean you can try as well. however if you feel like you have tried everything and it still isn’t changing then I’d leave because it’s never gonna get any better.
Everyone being mean & talking down on this girl have never been through this, you never know how it feels until you experience it. If he wanted to be there he would.
You deserve so much better honey
You do sound controlling though, I’m not saying he has no faults but monitoring his shower time and what he spends on snacks? I wouldn’t want to work things out w you either. Y’all need to divorce probably.
I’d firstly ask the questions, do you love me? do you want to be in this relationship? are you happy in your job? What would make it better for you? Tell him how you are feeling? Do you love him? What will make you happy. If he won’t engage then I’d say run for the hills.
Definitely get counseling. If he refuses the help, or refuses to go, then you’ll know he doesn’t care to fix things with you. It sounds like he’s mentally checked out of your relationship. You both don’t seem happy together & life is too short to live unhappy.
Stop bitching at him for one, get over the nit picking for his time. There is not enough hours in the day to do everything. He needs a less stressful job and u need to back off and let him breath. Schedule a day off when he has one and enjoy just a day together with your daughter and each other. Don’t talk about money or work. Do this twice a month. Just take a walk together holding hands. Just let him smoke his stogie and enjoy it. If u back off and learn that not everything needs to be done now, you’ll enjoy life more.
Get counseling…even if you have to go alone. If you have EAP through your job, most Offer Up to 6 sessions per calendar year, no cost to you. Just keep in mind that it’s not just about the 2 of you. You have a daughter to consider, as well, and we teach them how to treat others as well as how to be treated mostly through the examples we set. Consider the example the two of you are setting for her. Best of luck to you.
I use to do 12 hour shifts 4 days a week i literally struggled even wanting to do stuff on other days as it was so draining. I think you need to remember he moved for you got a job so he couod support your chikd. Stsrt making life a bit easier fir him . Help him when you can focus on his needs for a bit stop nagging . Try and turn it around by changing you not changing him . If your efforts go unnoticed then you have a problem .
Sounds like the way to change it would be to change jobs. I’m working his same hours and have a physically and mentally stressful job. It’s very hard not to take the stress home. You work to live not live to work, when you start bringing it home is the time to find something less stressful
One person cannot fix a couple. You have two choices… One, leave. Two, accept him as he is without complaint. He isn’t going to change. Personally, I would dump him, he is a liability. Your dream of a happy marriage is definitely within your reach, but it’s not with him.
He shouldn’t have to set aside 100 dollars for junk food if he’s working that much, everyone needs an outlet sometimes even if his habits are gross to you, that is controlling amd he’s a grown man that shouldn’t have to ask you for money. I also feel like you are lonely and maybe you need to find your own happiness, get a hobby, start finding things to do outside of the house and without your husband and child. Find yourself again because you deserve validation and happiness as well.
You might benifit from individual counseling. You cant change others but can change yourself. You sound like a controlling nag and I dont blame him for long showers and long hours, he doesnt want to be with you the way your acting. It takes two, no one is perfect, you dont have time to be together but you need to communicate what you both want out of being married
Could it be because he works long hours and wants to have some time before he has to be husband and daddy duties (hence 45 minute showers…I know I do this). I also put money away in another account and I say if it’s something that isn’t missed then let him have his own spending money. But I do suggest you speak to someone. If not it’s time for you to move on with your life. Focus on yourself. Save up if you do end up leaving.
He’s gone all day. Literally all day working. I’d be pretty burnt out myself. Sounds like separating would be much better for the both of you.
Seems like you have a figure husband. You are single. The sooner you realize the better. Sending you hugs
When he gets home from work, say hey how was your day? Ask him how he is ect, let him take his shower, it’s probably the first proper break he has had to just relax and not have to think about anything, yer 45 mins is a little long but let him be, when he gets out just try relaxing together… if it’s energy drinks he is buying at the gas station get him some from the supermarket instead so it’s cheaper… it sounds like you both need a break and to spend some quality time together without talking about work just enjoy each other fall in love all over again, but you need to ease up a little don’t nag him so much just gentle suggestions but at the end of the day he is a grown man and can make his own choices… good luck I hope you can sort this out and you both can be happy again because your child sees your emotions everyday
If there’s problems in the relationship and both can’t move forward working on them and getting help then yes I don’t see how you can continue a relationship and ignore all these red flags.
If the communication isn’t there after all these years it never will be.
If you swear he’s only changed since getting this job then honestly it sounds like he needs a different job one that’s less stressful.
There needs to be compromise on both ends but seems like a lot of anger and resentment is going around.
You can’t pour from an empty cup! You deserve to be happy not just for your but for your child as well. It doesn’t matter what that happiness looks like! 
I have worked the 12 hr shifts -we’ve had arguments over money …I ended up making meals ready for when he was home…[because i cook & he’s not as good at it]-I also made sure he had healthy snacks for breaks as well s a few he could add in any time…[When we are home together i encourage him/gethimto come into the kitchen & assist while we are getting theings together. …& we talk more]\
Sounds like he may be seeing someone else. As for the shower wtf, that’s excessively long for anyone to have a shower, what is he doing in there? Doesn’t take that long to clean yourself. I would be looking at just doing you and your daughter, how you go about that is entirely up to you at the end of the day. But there is a lot of alarm bells ringing off, if my hubby was like that I’d be leaving him/splitting up. Best of luck how you move forward from here though as either way a hard decision to make
He needs to give up his job and be a stay at home dad maybe work your casual hours .
im sure you will be able to pick up his hours and work them then you can stop yourself going and getting food for your 15.5 hour day. You won’t need a 45min shower because you will be able to handle the stress and again you might be really tired because you won’t be eating remember. Ffs you sound like you have a perfect man and you want to whine. I hope he finds someone who will love him for what he does you sound like a total control freak and your pushing him away. Good luck to ya you are gonna need it unless you pull your head in.
Thst’s an amazingly long work day. Are you sure those are his actual working hours? Could he be pursuing other interests (or another woman) and using those long work hours as an excuse?
It sounds horrible and hurtful. I think he has gone about it all the wrong way because he is sleep deprived and unhappy with his job. He needs a more family friendly job. Once he is sleeping more and getting more time with you guys, he will hopefully change. I have been in the same sort of position. Turns out my husband has sleep apnoea and it was causing the behaviours you have mentioned above. He was sleep deprived which led to stress, short fuse, depression and crankiness. I mean obviously he needs to get his headspace good too and realise that the way he is treating you isn’t acceptable. But I definitely think you need to get him into a better work life balance and then start working on the issues. Good luck.
Divorce. Sounds like the both of you aren’t happy with what the other has to give. Also, it sounds a little controlling on both sides. Just let him go, get child support, and give him weekends with the kids or something.
It honestly sounds like you’re a single mother with a room mate who has poor money management skills and never does anything around the house.
Also when you try to discuss anything important about the household/your child/your lives together, he is being emotionally manipulative and gaslighting you when you respond which is a type of domestic violence.
Take a break, tell him he needs to move out while you figure out what’s best for you and your child.
If he doesn’t want to put any effort into your relationship or running the house hold than he is dead weight and needs to go.
He may be going through something but a partnership is exactly that, a PARTNERSHIP, 50/50 in everything. It seems like that is just something he either doesn’t want or isn’t willing to facilitate.
from someone who has no emotional connection to this situation, to me he seems resentful and unhappy. It only takes a few weeks to form habits and if he’s been in a job for 3 years that he doesn’t like he probably doesn’t doesn’t realise it’s what has changed him. If you really love your husband, try to communicate that it is okay for him to leave his job, make a plan and do it. Money isn’t everything. My husband and I have our own bank accounts on top of our joint ones. Yes you are married, yes you are husband and wife but before you he was his own individual person and before him so were you. It’s super important to never let those individual people go, after all those 2 people fell in love before baby.
Just need to tell him that it’s not your job to make him happy! But let him know It was your promise and his to love each other! But the relationship between you both right now is toxic and changes need to be made. Compromise on both ends are necessary but both of you are adults and need to work on and deal with your issues. However when it involves a child the first priority is protecting and caring for the child. I think a trial separation may help to put some perspective on working on each other’s issues without the constant pressure of each of you upsetting the other.???
Either need a massive lifestyle change ie put your marriage, family first, work is not everything, or I’d say the relationship is over. Connection, love, quality time, they are the things that really matter. Nobody ever went to the grave wishing they’d worked more hours.
Why would he want to come home when he has to deal with anger, annoyance and an unhappy household after a 15hr day, home should be a happy place… And throwing problems on him that he isn’t able to solve isn’t helping the situation, either there needs to be significant career changes, or you need to fix your attitude… because this is headed for disaster!
Adam Ekstrom
I feel there are a lot of assumptions concerning his work hours. She indicated he has 1 to 2 days off during the week day.
She isn’t really clear about his hours, maybe he works extra hours some days, then not work any on others, to add up to 40 hours?
Regardless, he sounds very resentful. She states they moved for her career. It may be time for him to have some of his own choices regarding his own career, especially if this job doesn’t satisfy him.
Try being a military wife you are alone months at a time yes we have to learn to make appointment on our own we are responsible for the children shoveling walks doing yard work and working and yes we do think it’s ok if our husband’s keep money out of there checks I f you truly love them you make it work
Jobs are definitely important because we all need an imcome. But when you are in your final days it won’t be work that you will think of it will be your loved ones. I don’t know what country you’re from but are you able to sit down together and talk with each other asking if you are actually happy and if the answer is no, then is it the job situation. It’s not common where I’m from for people to have two jobs or work 15 hours to make ends meet so I don’t really understand that side of things. If the job situation is the big issue are you able to both reevaluate your life to see if a job change is possible. I would definitely not be bringing another child into the mix as this will only add stress to an already very stressful situation. As for fretting about the bills, there is usually one partner that handles the money. The one who doesn’t, would not know how long you stretch a dollar, so may be it’s good to speak about it, so he can understand why you stress like you do. I find a good way to approach hard situations is to say “I feel”, and definitely not “You make me feel” because no-one can say you’re wrong when it’s your feelings and it’s very much so not confrontational.
Is he possibly a narcissist. Turning things around you and being self-absorbed are classic signs. He is gaslighting you time and time again.
Sounds like you both need to sit down and have an actual conversation about what you both want relationship wise or not. He doesn’t seem into it, but it needs to be a conversation. To talk about any and everything between you guys, no arguments, no screaming or yelling. To figure out if being married is what’s best or even if both of you still even want that. Better to get it all out now, and talked through than to continue living like that and obly ending up hating and resenting each other in the end. Plus, your child, she sees how you two are witg each other, even if you don’t think she does, she does.
He needs a new job that works for yalls family. I cant stress that enough sometimes its the job that causes all the problems. You both have to be on the same page with work schedules, finances, household chores and kids. Like my husband refused a way better paying job because he knows of the workload at home I would have to deal with on top of working a full-time job being the primary care giver to our daughter, handle finances and majority of the cleaning. Just because you work long hours that doesnt excuse you from doing your part in the household. You work around your family needs.
Just divorce him. That’s it. You wrote a whole diatribe of how unhappy you are and continue to be that place. So, just leave
yeah its a tricky can of worms here, situation at home isnt the best in terms of control or even sharing the mental load etc, but my gut says hes cheating to get some sort of control back into his life. id call it quits myself if i were in that situation.
I had that marriage except I was the one trying to save money on the side to pay for a divorce.
I started to wonder if that’s how I wanted my daughter to see how a relationship works he was too busy for her and for me and I got the hell out best decision ever I feel for you I’m not telling you to get out I’m telling you to step back and think about what you really want and how to obtain that
Just go. Get a different place for you and your daughter. Give him space to realize what he could be losing. If you want another child, have one. You’re taking care of your daughter alone as it is, one more isn’t going to make that much of an impact on you. Besides, you don’t need his permission to have another child…
Sounds like you need counseling for yourself and you either need to support him and take care of him while he works 16 hr shifts and let him rest, or you guys just shouldn’t be together. I think this whole post is “needy” and sounds like you lack taking up accountability of your own actions as well. Be happy you have a husband that is working so hard to take care of his family, maybe Not be so hard on him when he comes home or nag him. Let things go. Men, and most people, don’t like being treated like that when they feel like they’re doing their best and not being appreciated for it. Him saying, “this why I leave” just proves that he feels you are acting crazy and irrational, because you probably are. Negativity is a real feeling and most people don’t like to be around it.
If you could see him as your partner who’s needs are not being met, ask him what it is he wants. If he doesn’t respond you should take action and take some personal space and do what’s right for you and ffs don’t make another human with him! Why would you want to when things are so bad in your opinion?
You deserve better and so does he. You both deserve happiness but since he doesn’t wanna take matters into his own hands you should bc you should value and love yourself enough to do good by you 
Girl why do you stay if you already tried everything if he hasn’t changed by now and it’s worst get going and start enjoying your life you deserve better cause he probably hates it just like you don’t be stuck being unhappy your kid will grow up unhappy too …been there done that
Once you start worrying about pouring liquid out of an empty glass, you have answered your own questions. The thought provoking question is are you a glass half full or a glass half empty kind of person. Your relationship has turned you into a glass fully empty kind of person.
The man sounds depressed. Y’all moved for YOUR job and he has to work long hours and took a pay cut. Long showers point to depression. When I was bad depressed I would spend 30 mins or longer in the shower. Who tf times their SO’s showers though anyway. Maybe the reason you are taking care of everything is because you’ve taken control. Someone who is depressed isn’t going to say no.
Read the books “Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage” and “Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
and maybe he should look into jobs he doesn’t hate as well…
You both are tired & unable to communicate with each other. You both are not meeting each other’s needs or wants. Go to counseling by yourself. Try to arrange a day when you both can spend time together to talk about your relationship, where it is now vs how it used to be. Is there any way that you can verify he is actually at work during the days & hours you have stated? Check the mileage on his car every day for a week or two, to see if the miles driven match the miles to & from work. Call him at work once a week asking if he can get off work at 6 to come home for a family dinner. Don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t do it. Is there time for you to drive by his work location in the morning and evening to see if his car is there when he says he’s working. I think you owe it to yourself to try to verify the facts before making assumptions. With only 1 child & both of you work full time jobs it seems your income would be quite sufficient for your needs. But if there are spending problems that needs to be discussed & resolved.
He should look for a different job where he’s able to spend time with his family.
I know from a friend that when a man showers right after he comes home, he usually tries to avoid the wife smelling perfume/another woman on clothes and skin.
Also, another child won’t solve your marriage problems, he closed himself off- I think he is done but doesn’t know how to leave. I think if you separate he will understand what he really wants ( trial)
Sounds like his buggered…
Maybe he gets angry with your budget because your not budgeting in things he wants aswell. I understand your budget but you both should get some play money… could be for junk food or anything use want to spend it on. Sounds like his made another account so he can actually have some of the money instead of you dishing it out for bills and what he can spend it on etc. Just sounds like he wants some of his own money so he can do with it as he pleases.
I think you need to re read what you have written and sweat the small stuff… he takes a 45mins shower… that could be he likes his shower… he wants some down time and feels thats the only place he gets it. I like a long shower as well so I dont actually see that as an issue.
He smoked… that is his choice and also is very hard to give up. He shouldn’t be begged to stop. He swapped for cigars… again his choice. You don’t have to agree with him smoking but you can’t sit there and beg and tell him to stop. He will stop when his ready or if he wants to. There is nothing you can say to make him stop. Its very hard to quit and 10times harder when you have someone telling you to. You got with him knowing he was a smoker and disguting or not he can smoke or do other things if he wants to. Heath wise yeah probably not the best thing but it doesn’t mean he is going to have an issue from it. Many people are fine smokers for years, many have issues… again his choice.
Sounds like his not getting many of his own choices.
His working 15 hours a day. Then getting told what he can and can’t spend money on then begged to quit smoking. What does he actually get to do without being judged?
He probably doesn’t plan anything because his wrecked from working all the time and it probably realistically isn’t in your budget.
Let think about this… his up early, works all day and sometimes has to stay back, gets home has his 45min shower so he can relax probably has his cigar to have some chill time. Eats dinner and its bed time… somewhere between all that he has to fit your child time in and time for you and himself…
Maybe back off on the smoking, on his shower, on his money spending and sit down and say ok after you have your shower to relax and detach from work could you play or read with our child to have some time with her. Once a week we will have some quiet time to watch a movie or something. Instead of buying lunch every day could we work it so you take leftovers or something a couple times a week.
Its about compromise and doesn’t sound like you are.
you cant force someone to meet you half way sometimes for yourself you have to call it quits or you will make yourself crazy and exhausted trying to please him and yourself and your kid
Sounds like you definitely are controlling! You need therapy. He deserves better from you- or better than you. Appreciate him for working his ass off to pay all those “bills you manage!” You seriously nag him for buying a snack/ drink? YOU NEED THERAPY.
His behaviour sounds very similar to my ex. He has severe mental health issues, all related to anxiety. It was years before I understood what was going on. I had babies at the time too. Looking back I wish I had escaped then, rather than suffer through another 10 years of abuse and gaslighting. I think you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Meaning you can ask him to get help, but you can’t make him. You are basically alone now, so making a change, might be what your husband needs to prompt him to get help. Please look me up on Facebook if you want to chat about it.
I’m afraid what I think is something the Op won’t want to readily admit. He is or about to see someone else. The Op needs to make a few decisions. One being if she truly wants to be with him. And by that I mean not just because it is something that has “always been there”.
If that is a yes, suggest a marriage counselor to him. Two way communication is a must. If he makes a scene, that is another red flag on an already long list of red flags.
2) Op needs to start protecting her and her daughters welfare. Perhaps to also open an account. This will not help when they divorce, but it will help if (and he definitely might) he cleans out the joint bank account.
It is only a matter of time before he “leaves”.
Yep, divorce him. Let the man find a better wife than you. Sorry to be blunt but you aren’t the kind of partner I would want to see after finishing 14-15 hours of my day outside trying to provide for the family.
A man deserves peace of mind and a pleasant conversation when he returns home not some nagging grunt who can’t place herself in his position and think how stressful it can be to work long hours, travel through the hell-ish traffic and then be welcomed by a woman who lays her frustration and expectations on him each day. Damn, I wouldn’t go home…
Someone needs to save that man from this frustrating everyday ordeal.
Have you ever had the conversation about how he feels about the move now that it’s been a while? Maybe it’s not that he’s mad at his family but rather that he doesn’t like his new location or new job. Maybe he’s frustrated with that & doesn’t know how to communicate it to you?
Maybe what you need to do is ask him to write a letter about how he feels. Odds are he is also feeling some kind of frustration within your relationship and really what you need to do is sit down with HIM and tell HIM how you feel instead of on Facebook. The number one killer in a relationship is no communication and if you sit on your feelings they will eventually turn into resentment.
Get counseling for yourself. When you become happy with yourself and learn what really is your source of unhappiness then work on him. You might find when you get from yourself what you want some of these things won’t be so important.
Either sit down and re-evaluate both your and his careers and see whether it is worth the extra stress. Depending on work load he is already working double what most people do at 16 hours per day. That has already gone into sleep time so chances of him wanting to go out and do stuff is extremely limited. (Eg, average work hour in the US is 34.6 hours per week, he is doing 80 hours based on the times you have given)
From what you have said, you do sound very controlling with what he spends money on especially over $300 a month or $15 a day (some places that an energy drink in the morning and a pie or sausage roll and you might be lucky to get a coke for lunch from the change). In that case I don’t blame him opening a seperate account.
Depending on what he does for work he may have to stay back to finish things off. That being said it shouldn’t be an everyday thing and I would say it’s time to find a different career path for either himself or both of you if you are relying on the decent wage.
Its better to leave. Im going through the same situation minus a few differences. And Im planning to just save my self and my kids and leave. Why waste anymore of your time on him if he cant even give you more than 5-10 mins? Leave. Its hard but its best to plan it out first but when you leave stay gone.
It’s NEVER going to change! They supposedly want to fix things but never do the work to fix anything. Give up now and fix yourself and your home life without him.
He isn’t cheating, he is resenting you because he works extremely long days and his job is taking a toll on him mentally by the sounds of it and then he is to come home to cop crap that is again mentally draining and about any little thing that isn’t going your way by the sounds of it, if he has stated he dreads coming home then you are making him feel a certain way
Another child IS NOT the answer! It’s not a child’s job to fix a marriage and he’ll just get worse! He may or may not be doing something you don’t want him to do! And having his own account is no big deal, you should have your own account too! But get therapy for yourself at least! You can’t make him want it and maybe you should both go your separate ways because you’re already basically single! But no reason you can’t get help for yourself to deal with the situation and maybe find some resources that will help! Hopefully you find a therapist that’s a good fit for you, if not , look until it feels right!
He sounds tired, depressed and in a rut; you too. Both of you are looking for the other to “fix it”. You both are working hard working, and neither one of you sound like you are handling your pressures well. Start counseling yourself… change comes with changing your outlook first and looking hard at your own weaknesses, but also learning how to speak to someone without accusing them of bad motives or bad character.
With his action he has extra activity not work related. Good luck 
to find out soon.
Sounds like hes having an affair. Or seeing someone. Why would he be having to take a shower for 45 minutes. And then when he gets upset leaves and then comes back to take another 45 minute shower, sounds like hes trying to wash off any smells or evidence of this such affair. I pray he isnt having one. But you deserve to have a companion to talk to and work together to raise your daughter.