How do I move past violence in my past?

Mental Health
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I was SA by family members most of my life. Then abused by a stranger when I was 18. Thankfully nothing else since. Now I’m 23 and I have a 2 year old autistic daughter. When I give her baths or change her diaper I get really uncomfortable. It just flashes me back to those moments. I try to hurry up and clean. Sometimes I have to close my eyes. Does anyone else feel like this? When her pediatrician told me that sometimes I had to really get in there to get some build up off, I nearly cried. I obviously clean her well and she’s never had any infections. She was recently diagnosed with autism and she’s non verbal. She’s starting therapy where I will have to leave her there for 4 hours. She’ll be in a room with a therapist and she will have to change her diaper at some point. I’m so scared that something will happen while I’m not there. It’s definitely my biggest fear as a mother. Someone taking advantage of my child, especially being non verbal. How can I stop feeling so uncomfortable or scared during something like this.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I move past violence in my past? - Mamas Uncut

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Therapy first. Second, just wipe your daughter with a wash cloth. They even make “bath wipes” that can work in place of the wash cloth if you feel extremely uncomfortable. You can use the bath wipes during diaper changes, and she will always be cleaned down there. You don’t really have to “get in there” to clean a female. That right there sounds super weird, especially coming from a doctor. Thirdly, you’re just cleaning your daughter; it’s not sexual. Just talk to her and explain in a way she can understand what you are doing. Although I didn’t have sexual abuse, I experienced Alot of emotional and mental abuse growing up. “Live Behind Your Raising” is the best quote I’ve ever been told. You have to step outside things that happened to you growing up and ensure that what happened to you doesn’t happen to your children. I don’t know you, but I’m quite sure you’re doing a fantastic job raising your child.

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Not sure how to help with your discomfort but the general rule would to be to tell her what your doing before and during (I have done this since my sons were newborns yes I’m aware they didn’t understand at first but it’s still their bodies so it felt right to tell them what was going on of course at there level) and once she’s able have her start doing it herself with my oldest I started by making sure he was clean then having him redo it just to get him to start knowing how to clean himself now we’re to where I only have to help wash his hair he is able to wash the rest of his body himself (4yrs)

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You should look into edmr for your past traumas. I understand where you’re coming from tho. But edmr n therapy should be very helpful for you n pick a therapist you’re comfortable with.

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Therapy. And if your not comfortable with her being alone for her appts, sit in.

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Honestly if I put myself in your shoes (TRY!) I’d be asking the same questions. Just remember you are not that monster that did that to you, your baby trusts, knows and loves you. And you the same to your baby! I’d suggest probably some counseling for yourself

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Therapy… and yes pregancy and having children can trigger it. You’re doing a great job mumma.

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Get therapy, and get therapy for your child. Maybe you can learn a way to communicate that isn’t necessarily verbal that will put your mind at ease!

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I can relate to what you are going.
I was Sa when I was a child. Lots of trauma.
Once I gave birth to my first child, a boy it triggered so much.
I started seeing a clinical psychologist for some talking therapy and a psychiatrist for some meds.
It got better. This year i found I was expecting a girl, it was a massive trigger… I couldn’t bare in mind that hubby changing her or leaving her alone with anyone.
I went back to some therapy.
Does it go away? No, but I am learning not to let my past trauma take over my present life.
Seek help mama. :blossom:If you want to talk you can inbox me.

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I’m not asking this to sound rude by any means I’m truly wondering since she is only 2 is there a chance that in the future at some point she may become verbal even if just slightly? (I dont know anyone that I’m very close with that has autism so sorry if this is a stupid question)

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I have a non verbal son with autism ! If you need someone to talk too feel free to inbox me

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You need to get into counseling immediately.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I move past violence in my past? - Mamas Uncut

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4 hours for therapy alone does not sound right? What type of therapy is it? I have worked for ABA therapy and have never had a 4 hour session, let alone without parent present. Granted this was home based but 4 hours and alone still doesn’t seem right.

But I am too a survivor and had the same issues when my daughter was born, she is 2 now and I don’t struggle as much, I also was in therapy to help!

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You have every right to feel the way you do. I refuse to leave my kids alone with a stranger. Hell there’s only select few people that I and my kids know that I’m okay with leaving them alone with. Maybe you could voice your concerns to her therapist, let her know that you are a SA survivor and you aren’t comfortable with your baby being with someone else alone. Maybe they can at least have 2 people there if you can’t be, just in case. I also believe therapy for you would be good as well. Its very hard, trust me. But in the end it may help.

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You need therapy for yourself I’m so sorry for your childhood tell them your fears and ask for cameras in the room like the. Police wear work something out that your okay with

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Maybe therapy for you as well would be good… it’s very hard especially in the world we live in. But it is impossible to be with her 24/7 especially if she needs assistance. My heart goes out to you. The feelings you have on this are real and valid!! Therapy might also help with you comfort when cleaning her. She is safe with you!! She doesnt know that pain and fear. You are young and have so much growth and love to experience with her… she will show you how parent/child relationships are supposed to be❤

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Is she going to a school? My son has autism and he’s about to start at an autism school, where there sessions are 3 hours. That sounds more to me like what you’re talking about. I would 100% just advocate for your child, see how you can have her privacy, but safety and your comfort, respected. And j would also recommend therapy so you can cope with what’s happened to you, so you can one day teach your daughter healthy boundaries :heart::heart:

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Therapy would help ; also bath wipes are amazing or a washcloth to help her

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No advice… just love! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: hang in there Mama! It’s clear you love your daughter so much! That will be her greatest blessing! Hugs XoXo

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As someone who was abused by a family member and then my ex…therapy…I HATE talking/venting to people because i feel like they “pity” me or look ay me like im “broken” but I personally found a female therapist helped so much…at first I didn’t talk much or even about my past trauma it took me some time but it helped

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Are you sure you cannot remain in the room with her?

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Your fear about leaving her alone in therapy is VALID. That’s important. It’s valid and most parents would have these kinds of fears, albeit maybe not as strongly. That being said, it is very important that you seek out therapy for yourself and address these issues. You need to be able to properly clean your daughter without it being so hard. Therapy can teach you to cope.

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You might be able to stay for therapy. Some places have 2 sided mirrors with a observation room and treatment room.