My “boyfriend” and I have been together since 2018. I say “boyfriend” with quotations because we’re not together BUT we live together so we haven’t told anyone we’re broken up.
In September 2019 at 3 months postpartum (we got pregnant very quickly), I found out he was cheating on me… he was faithful all for about a week. He and I had been off and on since 2012 and I loved him so much and didn’t want to break up our family so I stayed with him. Our dynamic changed and it really just got to the point where all we did was argue and I started to resent him because I was suffering from depression over it.
A year and some change later I got pregnant again - we rarely ever had sex so it was a shock to the both of us. Our baby is now 9 months old and I don’t think that I love him anymore - the cheating completely took that away. I want to leave, but I don’t have enough money to make it on my own. I make too much to qualify for government/state assistance. I’ve asked my parents for help & they just told me I needed to figure it out.
What can I do to save my peace & mental health since I likely can’t leave on my own anytime soon?
Cheating can definitely create resentment. Especially if you have not dealt with it properly, it will cause so many issues. With that said, you two are already not together, so just keep building yourself up and save as much as you can while still sharing the responsibilities. Then when you’ve saved enough to be sure you can make it, move out. Or leave now, find a cheap place to rent, and budget carefully. You also have two children, he will be required to help support. So go through the legal process of custody and child support.
Sorry you are going through this. I probably would save my money an get my own place. My granddaughter was told she didn’t qualify for child care but she actually applied an was approved. Maybe actually apply an maybe you can also. I’m not sure what state you live in but definitely press for child support
There is non section 8, income based housing. Maybe get in touch with a local church. They have been known to help out. Especially a single mom with two young kids. I was stuck in the same situation but without kids.
Get out it running your health and your caring for your children your mental health is not stable contact legal aid lawyer for legal advice and get child support put him out and have just visit rights he is pure asshlole he wants his cake and eat it too it is hard but get away from this unhealthy relationship ask your friends to help you out as for your parents they need to give there head a shake it is not only you it is there grandchildren there mothers did not do that to them I remember my aunt when her daughter was pregnant at 16 not married my mom said to her you can not turn your back on your own flesh and blood she helped my cousin out and found out that my mother helped her older sister taking her in when the mother was mean to her so if able ask your family like aunt or sister to help you out also college students like to billet with families you could maybe work a deal out and both win win situation that guy so called boyfriend is a piece of shit
Keep in mind that he doesn’t have to hit you in order to be abusive. Go to a DV shelter. They can help you get back on your feet. Apply for section 8/HUD. There’s not always a long wait time. I applied when I was pregnant with my daughter in 2015 and got approved and in my apartment within a month. I’m glad you are realizing that this is not a healthy situation and reached out for help. That’s a huge and a very difficult thing to do.
I’m in similar situation just coparent and stay until you can go as with the fact you 2 are already not together! That is what I am doing! Myself and partner are toxic together!
Tell him its clear he can’t fully commit and the damage he’s done to your mental health can’t be repaired and you need him to leave! Hopefully he will step up and be an a man and want a happy healthy environment for you, him and his kids! Good luck
Think about what career that you would enjoy that would provide the pay needed to support you and your babies. Then sign up for school or training for that job while you are there. That way you are working toward being able to support yourself once you are done. That will provide you the means in the future to stand on your own two feet and allow you peace & happiness.
Leave…you are doubting yourself right now but leave.Leaving will give you a strength you never knew you had.Its scary to start out on your own BUT it can be done.Start out small get what you know you can afford but leave.You deserve happiness.
Separate as much as possible in the home. Keep everything that is yours separate. Only pay half of the bills/rent. Start looking at filing custody support and for a new living place. Only speak with him about the children. I’m sorry that your family isn’t very supportive. Unfortunately family and friends can become wary when relationships are volatile. They may feel like you’ll just go back. Maybe if you show them your plan they’ll be more willing to help you move out. And make sure you get some reliable BC and get tested if you are sleeping with this man.
First of all, I think your parents suck. If they’re close enough to you, and have the means to help you and their grandkids, they should. Parenting doesn’t stop when kids turn 18…
First off, STOP having sex with him! Duh! Why would you even take that chance to happen AGAIN. Get yourself and your kids together and go. It can be done!
Find a therapist you can talk too. Not only will it help your mental health &sanity, maybe they could help you with resources to get on your feet. Good luck, Momma!
So you have 2-3 children with him? I’m confused it’s early haven’t had my coffee yet. But regardless the amount of children you have with him staying for the kids is never healthy or beneficial to anyone. I also would start making a plan to get outta that situation with him. I would start putting away $20 a week or whatever you can afford it adds up quickly and will help you free yourself from this situation. If you make to much money to get daycare assistance etc than try dropping your hours at work and see what you can do. Regardless it’s incredibly unhealthy and toxic too stay in this type of relationship and environment. Also I would get some good BC and not sleep with him anymore because it sounds like you definitely don’t need another child with him or another child rn period. It’s ultimately your decision but if you want better then go get it mama! You can do it!!
First off, cut ur parents off. Second off, cut back on hours at work so u DO qualify for assistance. Bc we all know theres no way to get ahead while on assistance. May as well take advantage of it. Its worth it in ur case.
You could start with sharing an apartment with roommate/s. It’d be tight with 3 of you in one bedroom, but it can be done, especially since the kids are little.
Sometimes you have to apply more than once to get benefits.
Factor in child credits on taxes too. Save money by eating less meat (better for your body & the planet too). Shop at thrift stores. Eat at home more. Sounds like you’d both be happier apart. You save money on lawyers if you’re not married.
Take one action every day. Contact a women’s center and get tips towards independence and being a single mom.
Enjoy your kids and think positive. If lots of us can make it you can too.
Protect your children first, you second and relationship third, if trust and civil communication are gone and depression is setting in I’d think you should indeed concentrate on the first two
First question, who’s house do you guys live in? Who’s name is it in if you rent? If it’s in yours make him move out don’t leave. Second, is his name on both kids’ birth certificates? If so, go to the local child support office and they will go for child support from him for both kids. Does he work? How much does he make? Get anything that has proof of his income before he or you leave! Then, get online or go down to the local dhs office and apply for everything and put down all the kids you have as living with you and you should be able to get rental assistance, Healthcare coverage, WIC, food stamps, and even other assistance. The numbers may have changed so don’t assume you don’t qualify! Keep trying if you want out find a way and don’t give up!! Then go file your taxes with HR Block online and claim your kids and don’t file jointly with him. File head of household and claim your kids as dependents. Then you should be able to get a return and get your own place in a month or so!
I think you should look into a roommate situation, preferably someone that is used to having young children around. Maybe even see about getting a trailer or RV, in the right places those can help you save money. You can do it on your own you just gotta find your way and what works for you.
Ladies… I read several comments and for those of you who have criticized her about having babies…. Your saged criticism/advice is NOT what she is asking for! Please I don’t understand why females have to be so mean to each other! If anyone has some answers to help, that is all that is required!
If you have a big enough place…rent a room out once he leaves. Research how much a room rents for in your area and poat an ad. Do background check on anyone applying. Second…if he is on birth certificate file for child support asap and,like someone else said,look for a statement before file showing how much he makes. Check stubs or something…email…anything. Between getting rent plus child support should be fine financially. Mentally…just gotta cut him off and sounds like already more than hfway there with no feelings involved. Just get him to leave and take the time you need to mentally recover.
Your denial is ticking the years away. I have one son, 31 now. I did alone and I can’t tell you how…. But I did and my kid is successful bc of it. You are worth so much more! Prayers
Child. Support. Run his ass for everything he got. Don’t be scared. Rip that rotten bandaid off or it will kill your soul. I’M TELLING YOU FROM EXPERIENCE
Go to the GYM. literally saved me. it’s cheaper than therapy and the bonus is your body starts to heal too. I understand childcare can be an obstacle but if you can find a way then do it because i promise it is a game changer.
Just so you know since it was such a shock for you both, even if you rarely have sex, if you don’t use birth control when you do, you can still end up pregnant…. Keep that in mind for the next time incase you are still “rarely ever having sex.” Be careful, or the next post could be all the same with an added and I’m also pregnant again!
The people with comments about the child/children and getting pregnant again shows a lot about their frame of mind. ITS CALLED TRAUMA BOUNDING PEOPLE. But… I say work on yourself and work on advancing your child in any way. Whether it’s teaching them any prayers they don’t know yet, to teaching them a life skill they can understand at their age and you feel they should know. For yourself, if you don’t have anything specific that bothers you about your skin, hair, etc, you can still start by researching and taking vitamins (there’s even some that helps with depression like vitamin b & c) or start with a lil stretching/exercise. Also, going to the library with the kids, or alone sometimes, and reading up on things you find interesting or always wanted to know more about. I can go on. There’s a lot of good advice in the comments though!
I think honestly your best bet is to quit your job. Save up enough for the first couple months of bills they aren’t high in government housing. Eventually you could even get child care and work again. That’s what the kids deserve and so do you. Nobody should live like that.
Find a roommate . Staying your hurting yourself and your children , change is hard. Alot survive these situations , your children feel your anger and it’s not fair for them to begin to process the hurt/hate u now have. Regardless he is the dad and he will be court ordered to pay child support.
Also see if you could see a financial counsellor at a community organisation that offers free service… explain your needs and ask for food, fuel vouchers. They can assist with negotiating financial aid. But please do get out of this situation as it clearly is not good for you and your precious babies
YOU make too much or y’all make too much for financial assistance? If you’re separated your finances count separately, too. First and foremost, separate those if they’re not already. Then file for assistance based on that if you and your children qualify based on YOUR income (yes, they will let you say you prepare meals separately, etc., for different financial assistance). Do NOT let him use or benefit from your financial assistance, get back on your feet and LEAVE. If you haven’t separated your finances yet, this may be the push he needs to leave on his own and you won’t have to do it yourself. Reach out to churches and other local non profit community groups as well. Good luck.
I took a page out of a magazine of the NIKE logo " just do it" taped it on my bedroom closet door so I would see it, read it, and eventually apply it…3 Littles in toe I moved in with my best girlfriend and her family, two of us on the couch, one on the floor and one in the play pen, those were our sleeping arrangements for 3 months until I could save enough to get my own 2 bed 1 bath apartment, lived there for 4 years very frugal, saved $ for a down pmt on my house 100 miles away, 5 bed 2 bath 2 bonus rooms and bathroom above garage, not only raised 3 of my own, raised 3 more of someone else’s after my 3 were about out of the house on their own …now after 6 kids I have turned my home into an adult foster home for medicaid clients…
And it all started with that piece of paper taped to my closet door that read JUST DO IT!
It didn’t start out easy by any means, but anything worth having don’t come easy, it’s pretty hard with the ups and downs, but Life has a way of working itself out if you want it bad enough…Just do it
I understand childcare can be an obstacle but if you can find a way then do it because i promise it is a game changer.
. Staying your hurting yourself and your children , change is hard. Alot survive these situations , your children feel your anger and it’s not fair for them to begin to process the hurt/hate u now have. Regardless he is the dad and he will be court ordered to pay child support.