How do I tell him to leave?

My boyfriend of 11 - 12 years with whom we share a son, has been through alot. I too have been through alot and im grateful for the person i am (dont know if its because of him or not, we met when I was 20 and he was 27) anyway- im at crossroads i feel he is using me because im doing better now than he is and he doesnt like me. He throws in my face insecurities things I thought i could trust with him. He tells me im a horrible mother but jm picking up the slack and taking care of the family.. my dog was dying and I needed a friend or someone to hang with me.. he fell asleep because he hangs out with friends every Wednesday.. how can i tell him to leave without him emotionally manipulating me and making it seem like im wrong
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You just have to be straight forward, and be strong. Tell him you no longer want him thereā€¦ be confident because he most likely will try and make you feel bad if he really is using you. No matter what his excuse isā€¦ he doesnā€™t have anywhere else to go, etc. sorry to say but thatā€™s not your problem. Thereā€™s no reason that youā€™re the one doing everything & still getting negativity talked too so he shouldā€™ve thought about that before. Confidence is key

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I tell him to leave?

You throw his stuff out

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Push through the feelings he is projecting on to you. Remember your worth

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Give him a thritys days notice if they legally have mail and have it as a court ordered eviction

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Just tell him straight to leave and stick to it

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Thank him for the good times you did have and thank him for teaching you not to put up with this stuff and tell him itā€™s time to go.

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Youā€™ll have to legally evict him cause more than likely heā€™s not just gonna get up and leave honestly. Do not throw his stuff do not change locks etc you have to legally kick him out thereā€™s no way around it sadly

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First off, if itā€™s a child that he is a father of, you need to do everything you can to get proof of neglect verbal mental physical or financial abuse, take valuables out of the house along with important papers, etc and keep them with someone you trust. Not a mutual friend that he might convince to give the stuff back. You need to find who the better lawyers are and consult with them specifically so that he cannot use them, then find as many free consult lawyers around and consult with all of them so that itā€™s more difficult for him to find a lawyer. When he is saying hateful stuff record it and get it on video, not just voice. Screenshot all bad messages, if he is a slob take photos, look into the laws about what his rights would be to possessions since yā€™all have lived together for so long, for example Commonwealth marriage etc. Some states have similar laws when it comes to dividing wealth even if you are only dating. Make sure that your family and your work and your close friends that you trust know whatā€™s about to happen before you in things so that he canā€™t go do something underhanded or try to get you fired. Make child Care arrangements if need be, try to find somewhere else to stay for a few days, and then have him legally evicted. Just know that the eviction process is very long right now and heā€™s probably going to make your life a living hell. Thatā€™s why itā€™s important to document any abuse so that if necessary law enforcement will step in and have him physically removed and you can get a restraining order. If yā€™all have joint bank accounts make sure that he doesnā€™t take all that money and run. If your car insurance isnā€™t in your name, get it in your name because he can cancel your car insurance and get you in trouble. Make sure major bills are in your name and your phone as well, if possible put up a hidden camera somewhere so that if you have to leave you can still monitor things in case he decides to get destructive. But definitely consult with a free lawyer and find out what you can legally do.

Get an eviction notice

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With the police and a real eviction notice.

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Just pack up and leave fuck ittttt

If you want him to go tell him. You can also call the police and they will escort him out. Donā€™t let anybody make you feel like less of a person just because they are.

Or a retainer order go to court

Give him a formal eviction notice and donā€™t talk to him from there.

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Just tell him to leave itā€™s so over

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You canā€™t stop him from doing what heā€™s going to do i.e. attempting to emotionally manipulate you & trying to make you feel bad. You can only control what your actions and reactions will be. Decide how you want to do it- text, call, email, in person, letter, changed locks. Give him a date to be out by. Get you a support system to lean on in moments of weakness and/or to physically be there when he moves out. It really just boils down to a made up mind.

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Heā€™s pulling you down because of his own insecurities. Remember who you are, whenever he throws something negative at you tell him that you will not stand for this anymore. You and your child deserve better. You sound like a person who can take care of herself so leave him because the longer you stay the longer itā€™s going to go on and a child doesnā€™t need to see his mother being brought down, he will remember when heā€™s older like my son does.

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Do not let him project his word/ feelings on you. You are better than that. File for full custody and a 30 day eviction. Stand up for yourself and child its worth it in the end.

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Pack his stuff toss it outside change the locks and tell him or pack everything you want and leave

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You straight up tell him to leave and donā€™t listen to his gaslighting. No matter what you say if heā€™s that type of person he will try to manipulate you. You canā€™t worry about what heā€™s going to say. You have to be firm in your decision and stick to it no matter what

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Itā€™s like this: Iā€™m NOT happy. Youā€™re not happy. Time for you to go. Go be happy, someplace ELSE

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You canā€™t make him leave. Itā€™s his home too. You can leave

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First thing is FIRST. Hire an attorney and sue for custody and have him served with an eviction notice, but donā€™t do ANYTHING until you have custody lined up.

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Sweetie,
This is a NARCISSIST. What you are hearing from him isnā€™t him just ā€œbeing meanā€ and ā€œusing your insecurities against youā€ itā€™s called gaslighting.
So many men in the world have absolutely perfected being a narcissist. They are so good at it that you will eventually start to believe what they say and second guess yourself constantly. Just because you guys have a child does NOT mean itā€™s best to stay for the child.
Is a child with both parents the ideal situation? Of course. But it isnā€™t always the best one. I will say from experience that it doesnā€™t get any better and if you think that it is getting better itā€™s honestly just the control of your emotions and mind that he has instilled in you. You should want your child to see what a good healthy relationship/marriage looks like.
Raising children in a chaotic home creates chaotic behaviors in the child which can actually affect them for the rest of their life.
But know that it is okay. Itā€™s okay because sometimes moms and dads fall out love and sometimes two homes are better than one. :heart:

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Since youā€™re ā€˜doing better than him nowā€™ just leave him where heā€™s at and move on, literally

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I was told I was leaving cuz I didnā€™t want to pay the billsā€¦ I was stupid cuz I supported my daughter for 2 months because going to college full time n student teaching n trying to work left her looking like death. I embarrassed him by not dressing like a biker babe. My parents were bad parents because I raised my 3 brothers ( mom died when I was 12 n my dad worked a lot)ā€¦ I was a whore because I went to Mi n stayed on my ex husbands couch to save money. He accused me of stealing his food stamps to buy my food ( I wasnā€™t n was buying all the things that food stamps didnā€™t pay for. After I left I came back to MI n I called him n told him he had 24 hours to get service on his phone cuz it was going off. He screamed that I couldnā€™t do that ( it all was in my name). He wanted $600 a month from me because ā€œhe needed to liveā€! I laughed at that one. He accused me of sleeping with our mechanic because I had his cell number. I wasnā€™t n told him if I get to the yard at 2am n have a flat tire calling the office did no good. I needed to call the mechanic asap. ( I drove semi coast to coast). Iā€™ve been alone since 2015 n I really do love my life. As for him he got my phone number from someone n called me 2 years after I left to come back to him. . He wanted me back. I told him he wasnā€™t good enough for me to do that. Please just ask him to move. Change the locks the minute heā€™s out. Call the police n tell them you are kicking bf out n want to make sure he goes. Protect you n your kidā€¦ l will say a prayer for you tonight. Believe me itā€™s going to be better with out all the stress n abuse you are suffering from. Protect your son. Thatā€™s your job. Good luck n update us soon.

Angela has it right, But run onā€¦

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Can you try couples counseling first? Is this a recent change or phase? Are circumstances likely to change in the near or distant future? Ask if heā€™d be willing to go to counseling and give him a week to answer or change his mind. 12 years is a long time. If heā€™s not willing to go with you, see a counselor yourself. She/he can help you steel yourself to the insults, see the relationship from an outside perspective, and help you evaluate the good, bad and dangerous points of your relationship.

Do you ask him why heā€™s being so mean when he acts this way? What does he get out of it? Does he feel like he is not providing for his family, hates himself for it, then takes his anger out on you? Is his self esteem battered or is he depressed? His behavior canā€™t be good for your child, especially if you have a son who may feel he needs to protect you but canā€™t.

Has he fallen out of love with you or is he just hitting a rough patch? Is there another woman and heā€™s trying to make you break up with him first? Do you have validation from friends, work, hobbies, etc. ? Does he? Are you mad that you are now the primary wage-earner? Did you feel used when he was the one earning more money?

Does he help out at all? Like fixing things, getting/cooking dinner once in a while, taking out the garbage, doing other household chores or taking care of lawn, cars, paying bills & keeping a budget, taking care of taxes, grocery shopping, etc? If not, why not?

Is he a good, involved father who spends quality time with your child, taking her/him to/from school, sports, events, helping with homework, having meaningful talks and answering questions? Does he do things with you as a family? Does he initiate family activities? Do you have date nights? Is he careful with his money or does he spend it as soon as he gets it?

Do you both have other people you can turn to? Apparently he has his Wednesday night mates (are you sure this is where he goes?) but do you each have friends and family you can lean on and mutual friends? This might have been a better option to have with you in your grief over your dog vs. him. Wasnā€™t it his dog also?

Please contact a womenā€™s center or similar organization to help extricate yourself from the situation SAFELY. You should talk to him about ending the relationship and see what he says, then focus on his moving out of heā€™s amenable. Depending on whose names are on the lease or mortgage, you will likely have to give 30 days notice and have an eviction notice served unless you think he will go quietly. Ask people at the courthouse who you can talk to to clarify whatā€™s legal/allowed and whatā€™s not.

Is he on the birth certificate? Decide how you want to handle custody. Have his support payments taken directly from his paycheck. Is he a threat to the child? How much time would he want to spend with her/him? Do you need to specify supervised visitation only? If he chooses abandonment, be prepared to put your kid in therapy. Do you want to stipulate how long he has to be in a new relationship with another woman before he introduces her to the child?

Thankfully youā€™re not married, so you donā€™t have to hire a lawyer to get divorced, but may need one for legal and physical custody, medical authority, and visitation schedule.

Iā€™m sure youā€™re the best mother you can be. You are stronger than you think. Find your inner badass and stand up for yourself. Work with that therapist until you can refuse to be bullied, manipulated or gaslit. Iā€™m so sorry about your dog, and I hope you find a happy life with your child.

Lawyer time, you need someone whose dealt with people like him, protect yourself and kiddo. And if you donā€™t want to be with someone thatā€™s ok!

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This isnā€™t the first time heā€™s been a punk, right? Youā€™ve been knowing his character for years but decided to stay because it was ā€˜ā€˜comfortableā€™ā€™ā€¦right? Youā€™re LITERALLY wasting your life right now on this dude. Buckle up that self esteem and let the bad b!tch out. He doesnā€™t appreciate you.If he did, he wouldnā€™t be using you. He would get his shit together. You owe him nothing. Youā€™ve been pulling the weight while heā€™s been trying to ā€˜ā€˜fixā€™ā€™ himself but heā€™s simply not doing it. I do suggest starting the child custody process beforehand just so the split will be less messy. Please also be careful in case he gets violent

just be nice about it. tell him to pack his bags and get the hell out or tell him your thru and you will even pack his bags for him and get the hell out

Just tell him its over to leave. STAND UR GROUND PET XXXX

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Do whatā€™s best for you and your child xx

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You will have to go down and get an eviction notice and go from there. Good luck

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If I were you Iā€™d just up and leave one day with the kid. You know heā€™s going to try to manipulate you so heā€™s not just going to quietly leave. Tell him itā€™s over and get custody established ASAP.

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Just say itā€™s not working I want you out. Have the police there if youā€™re afraid!

Just straight out tell him to go! Period! He sounds narcissistic and is intentionally hurting you. That is no way to live. PUT HIM OUT! Good luck.

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Serve him with an eviction. If he gets violent in any way call the cops and day you want to file a ppo. Unfortunately itā€™s not as easy as throwing his things out, he lives ther too and thatā€™s what the cops will say. If youā€™re renting Iā€™m not sure tbh, Iā€™d contact a lawyer and see if you can evict him or if itā€™s easier for you to break lease and move out.

Just keep in mind that thatā€™s what heā€™s trying to do to you. Donā€™t let him win. Stiffen up that back bone and tell him to get the hell out!

All the ā€œjust put him outā€ people have clearly never been through this. That isnā€™t how this works. :roll_eyes:

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Tell him to get the fuch out! Thatā€™s how!

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You are always right in how you feel. Own it. Know no one can tell you your feelings are wrong. Then tell him to leave and stay strong in knowing what you already know to be right and true! Draw that boundary with him and hold firm to it.

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Put him out, STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Do not let him try to manipulate or guilt you or anything else. Narcissists want to be in control. Donā€™t allow him. Just continue to say ā€œitā€™s not a discussion. You need to leave.ā€ Do not entertain him trying to bait or persuade you. Itā€™s going to be hard but do not falter, stand your ground. Call in the cops if you need assistance or youā€™re scared of escalation.

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You owe nothing to anyone who disregard you, neglects you, and your child will see this and perceive it as normal. Get. Out. Leave him there and go, pack while heā€™s out with his friends and be gone.

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you canā€™t control his response, only yours. stay strong, if not for you, for your son or he may turn out just like him.

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Tell him to pack his stuff or you will do it for him and tell hom to leave

Say get the hell out and donā€™t come back. :raised_hands:

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How long has he lived there? Is the house/apartment in your name, his name or both of your names? I believe (but it can be different for every state/county) if heā€™s been receiving mail at that address you need to go to the court and serve him with an eviction notice, you canā€™t just throw his stuff out. Donā€™t even tell him about it, and make sure that when heā€™s served that police are present and are also present the day he takes his stuff and moves out. If the place you live is in his name, contact a trusted friend and ask if you and your child can spend a few days there while you get your own place and pack up and leave while he isnā€™t home because you canā€™t make him leave his own home. I would also be going to the court to get child support and visitation in place, Im not sure if this process is the same if both your names are on the house/lease or if itā€™s the same for just a significant other or a married couple.

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Put his stuff on the curb change your locks
And text him saying itā€™s the end of things

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Give him a few days notice.Tell him to be gone not working out. Protect yourself.

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You go to judge yourself and file an epoxy and have him removed from residence period wether he has been physically violent or not you need to get epoxy and have the judge put in order that you and the kids are to stay in home until it goes to court that is going to be your fastest way out I know from experience I had to help my bonus daughter mom out of similar situation and this is how the attorney went about telling us to do it and he was removed and served that day

You gotta stonewall him. Just keep repeating ā€œit doesnā€™t matter what your saying, I need you to leaveā€ā€¦ And only say that. Donā€™t get drawn into a conversation about it.
If your worried about him getting physical in anyway, either with you or your stuff, have someone there with you.

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Why do you care what it looks like or who is to blame? Tell him to leave if he refused evict him.

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He probably wonā€™t leave willingly. If it is a shared apt talk to landlord about getting out of the lease due to domestic violence if that is your case. File for exparte motion through court for custody of kids. Then you move. If it is an OWNED house, if he is not on the paperwork file for an eviction, if he gets crazy call the police. You can get an expoxy to help you from court. If BOTH are on the house you will have to go to the courts and ask they remove him or you and kids leave and leave the bills and issues there to him while yā€™all move on. Either way, best to find a way out. While he is gone, pack up all of yours and the kids important documents, belongings, most meaningful stuff and put in a secret storage he will know nothing about, if you have any shared bank accounts take your money out of there and store it in the storage too if you must. Because if he flips he will try to do things to hurt you and that would be to destroy things that have meaning to you. Leave some items there to occupy the house and show residence of course if you plan to try to stay in the house, but if you plan on leaving completely still leave some there so he doesnā€™t really notice then next time he is out, pack the rest and go. Be sure to file for custody of kids immediately though! Make sure you have a new address to send mail to as well as giving a PO BOX to court and ask that all their paperwork be sent there and that your PHYSICAL address NOT be displayed on court documents. That way he can ONLY get your PO BOX until/unless court orders visiting and even then you could ask to meet up at a public place for child exchanges.

Send him on a boys trip. Then pack your shit and go.

Donā€™t do it in the middle of a fight. He will think youā€™re ā€œjust madā€. Simply go to him and have an adult conversation. Tell him itā€™s over and itā€™s time for him to go. You donā€™t deserve the mental and verbal abuse. If youā€™re already doing it on your own, you might as well be on your own. Stand your ground. No man should feel insecure that his woman is doing better than him. Youā€™re supposed to be a team. Whatā€™s good for you is good for him.

If youā€™re really serious pack your stuff and move out when he call, texts, or comes around tell him matter of fact and stern not harsh just stern itā€™s over you canā€™t and wonā€™t do it anymore and remember no matter what he says stick to what makes you happy.

You will have to either tell him, he has to go or you can evict him. Tell him itā€™s not gonna work, and he can leave. You sure donā€™t need anyone putting you down, you have to do what is best for you. Or you can leave for a couple of days if you have a place to go and let things settle down some then you can talk to him.

Talk about whatā€™s not working. Quiet controlled voice Give himm a date. Repeat that you want her m to leave by date .No argument, :slightly_smiling_face: discussion or replies

Another narsisist Iā€™m the victim yourthe goof up Iā€™m the only one who wants you your lucky Iā€™m here I got you when you were young so I could manipulate you andiwould always be the hero and you donā€™t appreciate me you do everything wrong I am king

Have a conversation with him and tell him but maybe not in the middle of an argument as it may seem like your ā€œjust madā€ best of luck!