We have a blended family with adult children ages 19, 20, 21 and 23.
So my step daughter is moving back home with her 2 young children and asked me to find a reliable babysitter because her grandma/my mother in-law(who runs a daycare) said she would only take them a few days a week. I said sure and posted on my Facebook that we were looking for a daycare. This post started something. The next thing you know I’m receiving message after message from mother in-law. At 1st they were just saying how hurt she was by it. I tried to explain that it was obviously a misunderstanding.
Then she decided to bring my children into it. Saying that it’s rude they don’t visit her on the holidays. They only came before because they got gifts and now that she doesn’t get them gifts they don’t come. She cuts them off her gift list at 18 (totally understand)… However, my adult children already have 5 other places they go to. They would come to grandma’s house but all they do is watch others open gifts. Is it wrong of them to skip out if they have other places that they go where they feel they are included in the festivities. Plus, how do I make them do something they don’t want to do? They are adults that do not live under my roof. How do I respond to my mother in-law? Do I talk with my kids about what she said? How do I get it across to grandma/mother in-law that they are adults now and I can’t make them come.
Help please, I do not like all this tension between us.
I’d tell her just that. they’re adults it’s their decision not mine. Tell her to call them and talk to them herself.
I wouldn’t even discuss it with her. They are adults and it has zero to do with babysitting.
Tell her just what you typed here. They’re grown now and so she can take it up with them.
I agree^ it’s their decision. They are adults. You can’t force adults to do things if they choose not to. Once kids get to a certain age, it’s up to them as to where they go and what they do. She needs to speak directly to them instead of you. It has nothing to do with you.
Tell her exactly whay you said on here. She’s grown & so are they. If she is missing them then she should reach out to them not you.
Where is your hubby in all this drama mom in law is causing ?
It’s the freaking holidays, Go visit with your grandparents before it’s too late 
who cares if they don’t get a gift, Holidays are for spending time with family!! Not materialistic crap 
Personally, I wouldn’t visit for holidays, either. Then, I would say “oh, you can’t control your child as an adult, either” and laugh.
How can she be hurt by looking for daycare, if it’s not something she’s willing to do? Sounds like she’s starting drama. But as to them going, it’s their decision. Going everywhere is exhausting. I’ll normally go somewhere Christmas Eve and somewhere Christmas. I have some social anxiety, so going everywhere is overwhelming to me. Maybe your immediate family could try making time for grandma the weekend before or after Christmas? I can see that she’d want to see them, but that the holiday season is busy. Maybe you and your hubby could take up having your own Christmas the Saturday before, start your own tradition. That way you can get everything together without making Christmas more hectic.
Grandma needs to accept your children are adults with lives of their own. She should talk to them not you. Maybe they can compromise and pop in for a quick visit sometimes but I guess that depends how welcoming grandma is
Tell grandma to invite them over for Christmas eve! Start a tradition with the older kids where they bake cookies and get tipsy with granny on Christmas Eve? Then she can have Christmas day with the little kids and gifts!
Tell her to ask those adult kids why they dont come around!
Plain and simple. Tell her they are adults and if they want anything with THEM or THEIR kids GO TALK TO THEM.
There not KIDS anymore there grown ADULTS is THERECHOICE not yours or gramms
I dont understand cutting them completely off from gifts at 18. Get them small items just for something to open then. My grandma stopped gifting big items at Christmas but made sure to get at least a scratcher or a needed item like razors or deodorant.
Personally id tell its non of your business who your childrent chose to see their adults and can make their own decisions, but id also mention it to them that she had been moaning to you about it.
i don’t have a backstory but from what you’re saying she just sounds hurt… i personally would just say you understand where she’s coming from because her feelings are valid whether you agree with them or not and just mention it to your kids, what they do with it from there is up to them.
Have a meeting in a restaurant get everyone together thats involved bring this a group not be targeting to one…
They should totally go it’s their grandma 9ne day they will miss it and def is their choice not yours but u could encourage them and remind them the Reason 4 the Season I would be crushed if I did not get 2 c my kids n grandkids and was able to . Good luck n God Bless many Prayers sweetie Merry Christ-mas 
Get their other parent to talk to them since it’s their mother .
My grown children have their own life , on holidays they visit us first & then they go visit the other family, I’m ok with that 
She’s old and lonely. If no one goes over there on the holidays that means she’s just sitting there alone. 
I’ve been alone with no family during the holidays and it really was awful.
Christmas isn’t about gifts, it should be about being together and time lost with loved ones can never be regained. If Christmas day is too hectic they can schedule a day near Christmas to all go to see Grandma. Life is busy, but people make time for those that they care about.
- Why isn’t stepdaughter finding her own childcare? That seems odd to me. If she’s old enough to have two kids, she’s old enough to sort out their care imo (also I wouldn’t want the liability of choosing, god forbid something happens at the daycare I chose)
- Your kids can do as they please. They’re adults. If they don’t want to go, they don’t have to go. Doesn’t matter where it is. If she had an issue with it, she can call them. Tell her to have fun with that convo.
In the end it seems you need to quit allowing yourself to be the middle man. Things like this don’t happen (or at least they don’t gain traction) if you have firm boundaries set up.
Getting a present isn’t what Christmas is about. They should still make time to spend with her during the holidays. 
I would tell them she is hurt and feels unloved which I am guessing is EXACTLY her feeling.
Maybe they could go on another day just to show some love
I would send her a message along with your stepdaughter and say I think there was a misunderstanding about daycare, if so please work it out between you two.
As far as your kids going to her house when it seems like her family is there, explain to her that they have 5 other places to be and that it has nothing ti do with you giving gifts before it was because they were under 18 and you could tell them where to go and you no longer have that power, and now they chose for themselves and leave it at that.
Id tell your kids what grandma is saying to you. But remember we always make time for the things we wanna do!!
So were theres a will theres a way! 
She’s kind of right. My mum also cuts off at 18, but her 7 grandkids and 2 great grandkids still visit regardless.
It’s about family, not gifts!
Tell grandma to talk to the kids about it. Than she can invite them herself or understand that they have other commitments.
You handled things between you & step daughter. Mother in law needs to talk to the adult children she’s got issues with. You can’t make the adult kids go to grandmas- This is an issue grandma has with them but she wants to make it with you. I’d just relay the messages to the kids & tell mother in law that the kids have been told & it’s their job as adults to address it with her. Not your job.
Idk if it’s a large family thing but my mom still gets my brother and I gifts and my kids and husband too. And she doesn’t have money but an age cut off is weird, to me. But, if she was a good grandma they should go visit her. At their current ages though most young adults don’t want to go to granny’s house, they are barely living their life and enjoying freedom and friends.
They’re grown. If they don’t wanna go, them forcing them isn’t going to be good for anyone. Plus, just because people share the same genetics, doesn’t mean they get to disturb your peace and throw toxic guilt tripping around to make themselves be the victim. I don’t blame your children for not wanting to go,I wouldn’t either.
You tell ur mother in law, to shut up… grow up… amd remind her the world does not revolve around her…
Then let ur kids go and enjoy their festive time in places they feel welcome and loved. 
See, my grandparents cut off toys once you hit 13, but they buy EVERYONE PJ pants so they still get SOMETHING. Gifts arent the point of Christmas but even if its just the littlest thing maybe everyone can compromise.
If they wanted to go they would go. I hope my grandchildren will want to continue to come as adults. It’s their choice.
I wish my grandparents were still alive, I lost them both before the age of 5. They don’t understand how lucky they are. She won’t be there forever… I can’t give advice, but sorry always comes too late…
You can just say they are adults
You respond “I understand you feel hurt, but they are adults and so are you. I don’t want to be in the middle of this, and it’s up to them to decide where they want to spend the holidays, and it’s up to you to make them want to spend it with you or accept it if they don’t. Merry Christmas”
Give the kids grandma’s phone number and let them decide to call her.
Is she their grandmother - or step grandmother?? Does she treat her natural grandchildren different than step grandchildren?? Tell her to talk to them - they are adults not children any more.
I think you should tell them they should try and make time for their grandmother around Christmas. That’s just sad that they don’t go. However they are adults, so don’t let their decisions upset you. Tell your mil you talked to them and think they should try to make time, but it’s their decision, not yours.
Unless she wasnt good to them growing up.
You’ve invited drama into your house. It’s only going to get worse.
They’re all adults.
They should talk to each other.
My husbands grandma had 13 kids and she cut the gifts once the grandchildren married. But she always gave us a card for every holiday to let us know she was thinking of us. If she doesn’t make it a point to be in their lives year round, don’t expect them to come around. My husband and I put our time and energy into the ones involved in our daily lives. We all have other commitments but we prioritize the ones that always include us. We always went to visit his grandma because she was involved in our lives. It’s not about gifts. People can’t expect someone to show up if they don’t feel included in the family
Just go visit earlier when everyone not their yet and then leave before everyone gets their
As a mom of 3 girls married to a man who has 3 sets of parents… holidays are a nightmare for me with several “stops” trying to fit everyone in. It’s very hard on myself and my kids. However we do our best to fit in our grandparents (our kids great grandparents) as they won’t be around forever I guess my advice is express this to your adult kids because believe I would rather not add another stop on any holiday but I want to make the effort to see me and my husbands grandparents because it’s important to them and to us.
With 5 places to go on Christmas, that’s a pretty full day especially with children of their own to tow to those different places. You might mention to them that they should go visit at some point during the holiday season. It wouldn’t have to be the day of but maybe set up an hour or two to see her the day before or the day after. This has nothing to do with the childcare end of things though. I would just tell her that you were trying to help find someone to cover the rest of the week and that she needs to talk to your stepdaughter about it. If she’s willing to take over those other days, great. If not, then those days still have to be covered and they’ll need to find a place.
They should all get together and do Christmas on a different day with her but all be together. It isn’t about the gifts it’s about time spent with one another
So they don’t feel included because they’re “watching everyone else open gifts”. So, in other words, she’s right. They quit going because they no longer get gifts. I’d do anything to go to my grandparents and watch everyone else open gifts but all my grandparents have passed. Having grandparents is a gift and they should make time to stop and see her. Maybe they can go see her the day after or on Christmas Eve if they have so many places to go to on Christmas Day.
I understand that they’re adults and you can’t make them do anything but I’m sure if you talked to them you could sway them to make some time for Grandma.
You went from one thing to another, Hopefully the babysitter thing is straightened out, But I don’t see why you had to find your stepdaughter a babysitter for her kids!! She is an adult; this is her responsibility. As for your grown kids, you made it sounds, they only want to see the people who give them something & that is the only people they will see !! And with that I am on your MIL’s side, just because they don’t get anything from her, they should & it would be nice, if they did stop in to visit with her. Being including in the festivities isn’t about what one gets!!! It is a shame they feel that way. And yes, you should talk to your kids about what she said. She wants to see them, gift or no gift !!! I would be concern if she doesn’t want them in her life at all. My kids visited their grandma for Christmas, even if they didn’t get any gifts, it’s the thought & love they have for her. And you are right you can’t make them go see her. And that is a shame they won’t.
Maybe plan a separate Christmas celebration. Christmas day is hard! Make it so it works for everyone!
Ask her to see them the weekend before or something and offer to make or bring dinner
People should be permitted to have their own traditions.
And although it’s understandable to not receive a gift after 18, I shouldn’t be expected to watch everyone else open a gift. They feel like they are just there to have their nose rubbed into someone else being “rewarded” for being under 18.
I don’t get “anything” from my grandfather, since the passing of my grandmother - but my grandfather at least goes to the store and buys my husband and I a card. Which is enough for us.
In my In-laws family. The kids get gifts,but if you’re married,have kids, or over 18 then the adults play white elephant.
I always was the mom who did Christmas morning n everyone needed to be here with the grandkids… But, just like me they are moms n dads n Christmas morning is special at their home…
So we celebrate December 26 n next year we’ll probably start whole family celebrating on New Year’s Day (knowing it’s an easy day for most to get off, set date, gifts are discounted, n drinks/hangovers are fun) lol
See if your kids would like to do that, n yes talk to them… We only live on earth for so long, and being together is a gift in itself.
I’m grandma of 9 I would love to see them on holidays but I don’t cause they have family they have to see
I don’t get upset or sad
I’m remembered what me and siblings went through from the 24th to 26th we had places to go
We wouldn’t get time to sort through our gifts to put them up or away or just to enjoy them
I do miss the holidays get together with family but I truly understand why they don’t come here there other holidays to enjoy with them
Why not have your mother in law to your house when the kids come? As for day care, centers are twice the amount of home care. Maybe that is the problem?
I didn’t have grandparents to go to would have liked to go to them for Christmas
Tell Grandma the truth. They make their own decisions and they have many Christmases to attend. Then, gently remind the grandkids that Grandma misses them so if they have a minute please call if you can’t stop in.
Are her natural grandkids, your husband’s kids, cut off at 18 also, or just your kids? If the others are also cut off, yours shouldn’t feel left out. I would explain to her they all have other places to be then tell them they should at least stop by for a few minutes if they can work it in
You literally just said they would come to grandmas house but all they do is watch others open gifts…Yeah ya MIL is right., Your still their mother you can at least tell them to make an appearance & They aren’t that old! it’s not too late to teach them how to respect their elders.
The fact that you said they are adults that only came when they got gifts and quit once the gifts stopped says enough. My 13 yr old knows you don’t just go for gifts you go to spend time with family
Talk to her in person and tell her how rude your kids are and that you will talk to them. There is no reason they can’t do a drive by and hang out and say hi grandma for 15 minutes. Its totally rude they only went when they got something. If you are defending them to her then you are part of the issue too.
I was an adult when my Mom remarried. My Moms MIL lives closer than my mom. My Mom has been married 28 yrs to my step dad. In all those yrs we have never been invited to a family party of any kind. I have been married 29. But I knew “Granny” before they met and married. So I have known her 31 yrs.
But my point is. This woman is a stranger. If they don’t keep in touch thru the yr. They don’t know each other. Why should they take away time from their own family to go to a strangers home and watch Her family enjoy the holiday. It’s awkward and uncomfortable all night. We were finally invited last yr to a Christmas party. It was a White Elephant party. I chose a gift that " granny" made. She was livid. Screaming it wasn’t mine but my stepsisters. That was just icing on the cake. I kept them anyway.
If your MIL wants communication with your children it’s up to her to do that. Ask them if you can give her their phone numbers to call them. That way the ball is in her court and out of your hands. God bless.
Just tell her you will relay the message to your kids
How about they all take grandma a gift. 
Nobody can force grown kids to do anything. If she’s got an issue, she needs to take it up with them, not you.
Plan on separate day example December 23,24,25 or 26 we established this years ago Christmas Eve with my side Christmas day with in-laws. Explain time is precious and that you all love to get together enjoy spending time with everyone but realize that it may take planning or alternative days to make celebrations possible. It’s not about a specific day as a holiday, it’s always a celebration whenever you are together. That’s what matters. It’s a blessing every one wants to get together refocus on that. Hopefully she will see that’s the important thing. 
Also on a lighter note watch the movie “4 Christmases” may lighten the mood
My hubss grandparents buy for everyone less for adults and tons for the little ones but I get gifted cookbooks and clothes we always get them something I got her a cancer necklace she x2 breastcancer survivor
You can’t make them do anything especially if they don’t want to do it
The mother in law can’t get shitty for not being able to look after the kids when she said she doesn’t have the room for them…
I would speak to my kid’s about respect and not being spoiled brats. I don’t go to family’s house’s just because I get a gift. Its about visiting family. Spending time together and just enjoying each other’s company as well as watching the little kid’s open the gifts we do get them. We have a lot of family and places to go as well. We just no matter what make it all work and atleast see everyone even for a bit.
If she wants to have a chat with you about your adult kids not visiting, tell her that’s for another day with you &/or them. Tell her this is about the daycare post. Tell her the little ones can of attend her daycare a few days a week & you’re looking for a daycare for them the other days a week then ask what her problem is.
Since they are adults, she should talk to them if she has a problem and I would tell her just that.
Tell her all parties involved are adults and she should contact them directly.
Just tell het they are now adults and you have no say whom they visit with on the holidays…if she has a problem with that she needs talk to them about it and not you… end of conversation…!!
Tell them how Grandma feels. Also remind them that Grandma isn’t going to be here forever.
Suggest to Grandma that since Christmas is so hectic, maybe she can reach out and invite grandkids to visit at a different time/day.
Both the kids and Grandma need to make the effort.
Why would she stop giving her grandkids gifts cus they r an adults who does that ? First time I hear this , that means no gifts for grandma ether wth😔
I think its rude they stopped when gifts stopped, it’s not about giving to receive & at their ages they should know this obviously not brought up that way
Your children are selfish, what makes the other five houses a priority over your MIL, gifts ??? Grandma’s aren’t here forever but I sure bet they’ll be there when the will is read! Time is the gift ! 
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery! Today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present.”
I’m hoping your family comes to their senses and realizes that a little amount of time means the world to some!
My dad died in October. My kids, nieces & nephews visited my parents every weekend and still popped in randomly on weekdays. They make their grandparents a priority.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer on 8/27/21… an hour after my daughter got engaged. She even tried planning her & her fiancé’s wedding for February 2022, but my dad didn’t make it and passed away on 10/13/21. The wedding will be at the end of 2022 now.
My kids, nieces & nephews will never have regrets because they not only spent holidays with both sets of grandparents, but they also took time to actually have a relationship with them. Time passes on… the older people get lonesome after raising their own families. What’s a few days a month, and especially Christmas? It’s special. Take some time to see your grandparents. Mine are gone, and now that my dad is gone we feel a tremendous void. I’m glad those grandkids are enjoying their grandmother, because since my dad is gone, mom is not the same.
Think about it… before it’s too late.
Also… my dad always bought the grandkids presents. They’re now 25, 23, 22, 20, 18 and 14. Mom is worried about money and feeling guilty because she can’t buy them anything so they’ve all told her they don’t want anything. Instead, to make mom feel better, my sisters & I have bought the kids each a present from her (and dad) because she enjoys giving.
It’s definitely not about the gift. Time is the gift. Use it wisely.
Merry Christmas.
Nope, been there done that I was was like 14 when I told my mom I refused to go to my step dads family anymore…they didn’t want me there and went out of their way to show me that and I refuse to feel like that for family functions and holidays. I don’t know how my step dad was ever related to them …and his mom …were the only 2 people who treated me with any kind of respect
“They are adults. They do not live with me. I cant make their decisions on where they go or who they are with. If you want them around you should reach out to them. I can ask them to go there but its their decision. The child care is to help everyone out by the way, it isnt personal. Please don’t think negative about it. She just needs help with her children on the days you cant. Anyways, happy holidays. Ill let everyone know you have been thinking about them”
Your mother in law is hurt talk to the kids say could you go at a lunch date some time in December
Sounds like grandma got upset because other childcare was being sought out but if the mother needs more than a few days a week that she could offer then obviously the mom needs to look elsewhere.
I don’t think the grandma has a right to be upset about that and then throwing out there about how they don’t visit her more seems like it was intentional to make you feel bad where it’s not necessary and more or less out of your control as they are adults now.
Especially If she wasn’t complaining about the amount of visits she gets before the childcare search.
I do think the kids should get over to see the grandmother at least for an hour or so on Christmas. But It is strange how grandma doesn’t buy them a gift. Even if she didn’t have a lot of money a gift could be something small like a pair of gloves or something like that just to show she was thinking of them and wanted them to be there. I don’t think the kids are being greedy or ungrateful to expect to open something over there.
My grandmother would never see someone without something to open and she’s never been wealthy by all means.
Good luck with all that! Maybe talk to the the grandmother and say she could call them from time to time and ask them to come over more.
And tell the kids grandma misses them and they should call her more often as well.
As for the childcare I would just simply state the facts. It’s nothing personal but we need full time care for the child
Your kids don’t want to spend time with Grandma on Christmas because she stops gift giving at 18. But they want her to babysit their children?
And you’re surprised she is hurt and disappointed?
I mean I guess you’re right that they are adults and you can’t force them to do the right thing. But maybe you should be less understanding and disagreeing with their decisions. Because it sounds like it’s perfectly understandable to you that a grown adult shouldn’t feel obligated to go see family simply because they don’t get gifts?
I guess I’d sound off to you about what selfish adult brats they are too
Even as a adult that gets nothing I will always visit my grandma on Christmas. Not going just because you don’t get a gift is disrespectful. Christmas is about spending time with family not getting gifts. They want there grandma to take the kids all week but refuse to see her on Christmas because they didn’t get a gift. Grandma basically opened up to you about how she feels because she misses her grand kids and probably doesn’t know how to reach out to them.
Is this is the only time of year the visits take place? I hated as a child being dragged form family to family to people that was the only time we saw them. I understood when we lived in another state and travelling time was long etc but when I moved to the same state there was the expectation to turn up on Christmas Day to a family that I only saw on that day. I did it for a few years and then decided not to put my kids through the same. Make other times to catch up.
Included in the festivities means getting gifts right? Because you specifically mentioned the only thing they do is watch others open gifts at grandmas, which is weird to me since you also said she cuts off at 18, and you and your husband are over 18, and I’m sure others are also so what is everyone else doing at this time? Not going because they aren’t getting gifts blows my mind, and I’d be super offended if somebody wouldn’t see me because they weren’t being given a gift. If that truly is the only reason, your kids all have their priorities messed up and she should make sure to tell them so.
If there’s a problem you somehow aren’t aware of that’s preventing them from going there now, that should be addressed.
I feel bad for the grandmother. So your grown kids wont go to their grandmother’s because she doesn’t get them gifts? Sounds like outstanding kids you raised there.
Make a day separate just before or after Christmas to celebrate with her even if you just go over for a nice family meal or cuppa. Regardless of being adults she is family and family need to try and keep traditions or no one cares