How do you mamas balance your life between your spouse & children? We have a 3 y.o. & literally all I want is for him to be EVERYWHERE w us. He has never stayed the night w anyone, & the longest a family member has kept him was 4 hours. My boyfriend gets mad cause I don’t want to let our son go so we can have our time…but at the same time, I don’t know how to let my 3 y.o. go & not check on him every 0.3 seconds
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I’ve got a 9 year old who was never away from me for the first 4 years, and has only been away maybe 5 nights tops… and my 3 year old was only away one night while I was in the hospital having their sister. Bed time is important. I have the kids in bed at 8:30 and the rest of the night is for honey and I 
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You could possibly be doing your 3 year old more harm than good. Separation anxiety is real. It’s healthy and good to spend a little time apart. How will you go leaving them at kindergarten or school in a few short years?
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God forbid something happened to you or your SO. You are doing him and you a disservice by not getting used to y’all being apart. Your SO was there first. Take care of that relationship. God Bless
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I love time away from my kid 2.5 year old. She doesnt go to daycare. She will stay at my sisters- who also watches a 2 year old during the week. She’ll also stay at my best friends and go out with the baby sitter. It is hard on her for like 5 mins or less than she’s fine. We dont do that tight now because we welcomed her baby brother a month ago and i dont want her to feel shipped off or like we dont want her here. But i love being away from her for a night. I would get sleep, get something done without her help- by help unfolding laundry, making 3,000 messes. I like having that time and then when she comes back we bond- we are refreshed.
Take it at your own pace increase time away. A couple hours once a week etc… but i think it’s necessary especially if you plan on your kid going to school or when they want sleepovers with friends.
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Well that sounds like you need to fix it, that’ll be toxic to the kid later on because he hasn’t been socialized
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While it’s common to not want to be separated you really need to allow it to happen. The transition from home to school, if he goes public, will be extra hard on him. Also, he may experience anxiety during a separation because he doesn’t know what it is. Then the next picture is your spouse, you have to carve out time for them if you want it to work.
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I completely understand where your boyfriend is coming from.
From what I’ve read he’s not asking you to send your kid away for good. He just wants and needs time for the two of you. That’s not an unreasonable request, and I’d go as fare as saying NEEDED, if you want this relationship to work. It will also do your child a world of good, and you as well.
The best thing you can do is just start doing it. It’ll get easier for you to leave your child the more you you do it.
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I’m assuming this is your first child. This is normal with your first child. When the second one comes along, you’ll want to throw your children at who ever will take them and run in the other direction!
Okay, maybe not that dramatically, but kinda.
You HAVE to let go. Just slightly. Take baby steps. An hour or two with grandma here and there so you guys can do dinner or a movie, or literally just take a nap.
Yes, being a mother is important, but don’t center your life around your child. I know, that sounds wrong too, but it’s not. If you center yourself and your world around your child(ren), you lose yourself. You lose friends, family, relationships.
Find someone that you trust, have them watch him while you two have a date night once a week. Start with 2 hours. Move to 4 hours. Start with once a week. Move to twice a week. Then try a weekend. By finding someone you trust, you can reassure yourself that your son is in good hands and you will get a call if there is an emergency.
Separation is good for both of you. He needs to socialize with others outside of his own home, and you need to socialize with adults. It’s beneficial for the both of you. Otherwise he ends up a mamas boy (not in a good way) with separation anxiety and you end up as a helicopter parent, which no one likes.
You HAVE to take care of yourself because if you’re not taking care of yourself (mentally, physically, emotionally) you’re not going to be able to take care of anyone else.
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As a mom who has lost a child, I totally get this. Just have to find a balance, so that your kid can learn independence & being comfortable not having you around. You also want to balance things with your spouse. Otherwise they will likely become resentful.
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My son is 10 and has never been to anyone’s house for a sleepover except for family. He does not want to leave me. He will go outside and play all day but half the time even wants to come home during the night with family. If you do not want this change now. I was that mom 7 years ago. Altho I love my son to death and our bond it is exhausting sometimes when his sister (16) goes and stays with friends or family because he just will not going anywhere to stay anymore. Luckily enough we do have someone we have known for going on 7 years living with us and he will stay home with him for a little while. So my husband and I do get free time once in a while.
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My son is 19 months and has spent a whole week at my parents house a couple hours away… It helped a lot when we were moving… If you trust your parents or whoever and know no harm would come enjoy the break… I just always called twice a day to check in and my son loves going to my parents house so I know he was having fun and very well taken care of
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It’s hard to let someone else take care of your child because you worry they won’t do everything the way you do it, but you have to, just a little. Soon, he’ll be going to school. That’s such a big milestone, and it will be an easier transition if he’s used to being apart sometimes. We have five kids. Everyone has a set bedtime that leaves us the last few hours of each day alone. We also have a date night once a week, when I get dressed up and we go out for a meal to enjoy together. We don’t talk about kids, his work and so on. We just enjoy it. Then we also have family movie nights each week. I plan this who themed evening with snacks to go with whatever movie we’ve chosen for that particular week. Balance is key for me. We’ve never neglected one another or our children, and I think that’s important.
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Guess I’m the only one who thinks it’s weird to be sending your young children to stay the night with people. I dont understand that. I’m a firm believer that they are your kids and you should have them all the time except for obviously when you need to work, or go to an appointment and occasionally when you would like a dinner out alone. It’s one thing to leave them with their other parent, its another to leave then with non parents. Yes it’s healthy for the kids to occasionally stay with a family member for a couple hours while you run an errand, it gets them comfortable with being away from you so that they don’t develop separation anxiety but not over night. They’ll be older before you know it and they’ll be away at school all day and want to stay with grandparents and family or friends but until then I think parents should be parents which means your time is your children’s time. But that’s just me
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Make date nights like 2 times a month so he can have his time with you but so your also spending lots of time with your kid
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Get help with separation anxiety. Once you get used to it you’ll love it. Start small and just do q few hours at a time.
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Okay seriously, find a babysitter and start going on date nights even if it’s every other week a couple hours at a time. Your child needs to learn to be away from you for short periods of time. You need to learn to be away from your child short periods of time and connect with your boyfriend on an adult level.
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I get this on both sides, I do.
And the first thing I would suggest is to really sit down and self-evaluate why you cannot let go…and I mean really dig deep.
For some mom’s…they’re afraid If someone else can take care of their child then they won’t be needed.
For some mom’s… they’re sort of scared of what to do with themselves when they’re child-free
For others there’s unresolved trauma.
And others? It’s a combination of things.
Once you figure this out, work to resolve it: Really sit down with it and really challenge it. Use logic to help combat the anxiety you’re feeling.
Take a step back from your feelings and think about your child. Whose watching them? How do they feel about the person watching them? How does this person feel about your child?
Is your refusal to let go interfering with them being able to bond and spend time with other family members?
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It’ll be very tough, but you should definitely try. One, because your child needs to experience being away from you. Children need breaks from parents just as parents need breaks from children.
And two, because if you don’t, it could eventually harm your relationship. Often times we make our children the center of our world. Everything we say and do revolves around them and sometimes that’s not healthy. We lose our identities as individuals but also as couples. Ya’ll need to remember who you were before your baby came along. Don’t lose that. Someday our babies are going to spread their wings and fly and what will we have left when that happens? You have to make yourself and your relationship a priority once in awhile my dear. You might actually find that your child has a blast and really enjoys their time away, their little vacation. Mommy and Daddy are refreshed, recharged and happier.
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Same with my 5 year old.
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His only 3 years old…his supposed to be with you all the time…but if you can find a babysitter go out and enjoy some time with your spouse…your child needs to socialize with others and your spouse needs time alone with just you…
If you are literally so anxious that you can’t be apart from your child, and you are checking on him constantly, then perhaps you should be talking to your doctor or a therapist.
Unlike many of the people here, I do not agree that such anxiety is “normal”. Please talk to someone and get checked out. This can’t be good for you, your child, or your relationship.
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Me and my husband always have the kids everyday not even a break. He will deal with kids for a day or two to give me a break at the most. He work at nights and sleep in the days I always have kids with me. Once in a while if my 4 adult kids are here for vacation take my 2 boys for the whole day to give both of us break and spend together for the whole day. We really don’t have anyone else to watch the kids. My mother in law passed away in 2008 and my father in law passed away in 2011. My dad has some health issues and I didn’t want to put more on him to be responsible for my kids. My mom is way too busy being with my 2 sisters all the time and don’t really offer or be there to babysit. My kids said it is so boring to be at grandma house and don’t do anything she make them play in bedroom all the time so limited on tv and video games and can’t go crazy like they do my house. So I stopped asking her to babysit my kids.
Personally my kids went everywhere with me except work…they stayed with their dad and once a year we went out for the evening alone…for birthdays /anniversary which were all around the same time and they stayed in their own home with an aunt to sit with them . I didnt have children to leave them with other people. Our together time was after the kids were settled for the night.
It didn’t destroy our relationship one bit…together 43 years …and the kids didn’t struggle with separation anxiety . They were happy to go to nursery age 3yo and to school age 5
I guess every family is different and must do whats best for them.
Therapy.
If you want to maintain a relationship, you have to understand the basic rule of parenting:
Your job is make them self sufficient.
Wrapping yourself up in being just a mom will backfire. Hard.
You can’t teach independence and self reliance if you don’t give them the chance to do it.
Don’t transfer your anxiety to him.
Ask the grandparents or Aunts/Uncle to babysit for a day, 8 full hrs. Hand your phone to your bf. You can text, every 90 mins. You can call once. Then, hand the phone back. He will be fine. You need to remember who you are bc he will grow up and leave, then what?
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That’s my husband, we didn’t let our oldest stay the night until he was like 6 at grandmas. Now he goes every now and then being he is 9 now. Our 3 yo is everywhere with us. We are scared no one will watch him and care form him as we do… so we just don’t go out and if we do it’s like once a year so one night isn’t a big deal we come back as early as possible and he has big brother with him so it’s okay.
Our 4 year old goes to my mils house every other Saturday and spends the night. That way hubby and I have some time together and she gets to spend time with grandma. We usually do stuff around the house and go out to dinner then my hubby plays indoor soccer on Saturday nights so I get some me time while he is gone. Win for everyone.
I 100% understand where you are coming from my first son I had when I was 16 and I have signed temporary custody and he was taken from me by his grandparents who I had given temporary custody over until I got on my feet because me and their son was no longer together fast forwarding 8 years down the road I did have five other children after that and my daughter has no relationship with her grandparents because I was so afraid that I would never see her again after what I had been through. it took me eight and a half years to even find what state he was located in once I did I contacted an attorney and got all rights back there’s a lot more to the story but please find a way to let him for a few hours you know one night every couple weeks spend the night with you know grandparents because I know like I said it stopped my daughter from having a relationship with her grandparents they are not close and not to mention it gave me major anxiety now that they’re moving out because I have always kept my kids close to me it’s called emptiness syndrome. Good luck to your mama you can do this.
u just have to do it. one time is good, for everyone
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My mom is a snow bird so when she’s up north my husband and I have our daughter 24/7. When my mom is here though she goes and stays the night with her every Saturday night. It is just as important to spend alone time with your spouse as it is to spend time with your kids. Taking Breaks from your children does not make you a bad parent. I feel like taking breaks from our daughter makes us better parents because we have more patience since we get breaks.
there’s an old saying. don’t feed your dog at home and he’ll be going out to the nearest trash can looking for something to eat I hope you can understand the meaning behind that you need to figure out something
Sounds like you need some counseling/therapy. Start off slowly and gradually increase your away time. It does get easier.
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Your a great mama. Your fine. I did the same!
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I’m the sameway with my kids. My daughter hasn’t left my side for more than a few hours, and I was worried sick about her. My son leaves every weekend to go with his grandparents, on his dad’s side, which I worry about constantly. You just have to breath, find someone who’ll take your child that you trust, for a few hours, and go have adult time with your boyfriend. Of course, if you don’t want to, don’t do it.
Maybe ask your mother first if you have a good relationship with her
Or a sister who yoy can trust and see how it goes
What u gonna do when he starts School?
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Young one when you are apart - you know he’s safe, fed, loved and a safe environment - right- just breathe- if don’t give yourself - “me time” you will stress yourself out - start by doing “date night” and maybe work up from there.
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You need to maintain your sense of self or else you will be very unhappy. Your entire life doesn’t have to revolve around your child 24/7. Find a babysitter you trust and make sure you get some alone time for you every week or two, and some time for you and your partner. It’s really important for your well being.
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