I have been a SAHM since my son was born (so two years now), and I was just wondering how do you cope with your children growing up and becoming an age older every year? I could cry myself to sleep about it every night if I let myself. Also, SO does not mind me being a SAHM, but things are getting tight with bills, holidays around the corner, and we’re expecting a baby in 2021. We don’t have a vehicle right now but are working on it. So my other question is, once the transportation is there and our newborn is older…I may start looking for work again to help financially, but how do you trust, overcome, get comfortable with leaving your children in daycare? I will always be protective over my babies, but a couple of things that bother me are not only missing them, but my son has a sensory disorder, and the thought of anyone mistreating him floors me! Any mamas relate? How do you do it?
We found a daycare we loved, but at the end of the day is was just ultimately cheaper for me to stay home, no matter how tight things got. I would go walk around a few, meet with the directors, teachers, anyone thats going to be there through the day and get a feel for them. Always trust your gut! And try to find a daycare that has cameras set up in all the rooms, hallways, lunchroom, etc.
Look for an at-home daycare because it’s not so bad.
My husband and I work opposite shifts so someone is always home with baby.
It’s definitely hard. I try to think of the pros that comes out of them getting older. I know it’s so hard but I am looking forward to being able to sleep in and them being able to do their own thing. But I will miss my babies being babies so much
You stay home and be an in home daycare for a couple of kids, maybe a little older than yours.
When my kids were little I worked at the daycare they attended. They got free tuition, I got paid, and I got to check in on them during the day.
Ours have always been with at home daycares (3 now) and we love it! All grandmas. Never had an issue
You could always watch a couple of kids at your house. You would probably make way more doing that than paying daycare fees and working outside the home.
Here, where I live you would be paying about 1600 a month for two kids in full time daycare
My advice is find a family member or close friend you trust who’s able. If you can’t, maybe open your own home daycare…take on just a couple kids.
Here where I live for one child it’s over 1000 a month for a decent daycare…at home or a facility
Or look into state funded daycares.
You c an find work at home solutions, if your older one will be going to to preschool. You can babysit another child in his class for part of the day a few days a week, that also gives him a playmate. Or an at home business you can do in the evenings.
I am a mama of four, I was a nanny for the first 2 years of the older kids lives. They were able to go to work with me. Then I was a SAHM for a while and baby sat from my home when I had my 3rd. By the time the 3rd one was four and in preschool, I got a job at the older kids school as a lunch lady for a few hours a day. Then a bout two years later I was surprised to find out about number 4. I had him in May and was off all summer, then went back part time in Sept and my mom would watch him. At 14 months I very sadly put my child in daycare and cried at drop off everyday for a month. I called the place to check on him and he was fine, they would send me pictures of him playing. He was having so much fun. About a year later my job ended and I went work at the preschool/ daycare as a teacher. Two of My older kids were in middle school and doing fantastic, my 3rd was settled in school and loving it, I spent the days with my youngest and got paid. He’s now in Kindergarten and we are all home on virtual school with 2 high schoolers, a middle schooler and a Kindergartener. You do what works, just may need to get a little creative.
I started my own business from home! It gives me time to myself to focus on my work and gets me excited to wake up on days where I’m completely drained
Yeah I am weird about random people watching my kids. Especially when they cannot communicate to me sometbing is wrong. We do split shifts here as well. We used to both work at the same job and they were open to us switching out aka he leave 5 min early im there 5 min late.
Stay at home. My kids need to be home.
I have 4. 18, 17, 15 and 5. I stayed home with my oldest 3. With my youngest I went back to work when she was 8 weeks. It was hard but my parents watched her. It gets easier however as they get older other stuff makes it hard. Both my oldest kids have both had car accidents. That will scare the mess outta you. The hardest part for me right now is the college part. My oldest decided to stay home he goes to UNC Charlotte and lives at home to save money. My second oldest is a senior this year and all he talks about is going away to college. That is a hard one right there. however saying that I love seeing the people that they are growing into.
My son was in a daycare/early learning center from 8 weeks to kindergarten since both my husband and I worked full time. The first month or so was a bit of a transition for sure. But it got easier seeing how much he was blossoming, learning and making new friends. He loved being there, and it was wonderful seeing him so happy. We were ALL a bit sad when he left to go to school.
He’s 13 now, so we have lots of experience under our belt with watching him grow up. There’s a bit of melancholy in the current stage they’re in passing through-but you start to have fun watching all the cool stuff they’re learning, and the awesome little human they’re growing into. After all, that’s kind of the point-right? For babies to grow into awesome kids and adults? I swear it gets easier! So many fun things to look forward to, I promise!
I hate it. My kids are 15, 13 and 4… I hate it. It’s heartbreaking. The pics and videos, memories of them being all babies and toddlers… it’s hard.
You gotta realize that you aren’t in control of everything and stop stressing about “what if” all the time. You wanna work, figure it out and go. You wanna stay home, figure it out and stay home.
I don’t i had five kids in 10 years and in my mid life crisis 32 after work and school couldn’t fulfill me like a being a sahm i had two more and with mt baby being 8 i would have more if i could. Before anyone asks just one baby daddy for all my babies
My ex and I worked opposite shifts, and I usually only worked part time. So we hardly ever had to have daycare. It was nice getting out of the house even for just 3-4 hours a day, a few days a week.
You can get a list of daycare providers in your area and go visit them. see what they’re like see how they click get some references. Current and past. I met one of my best friends that way I need a child care she ran a home daycare are kids became really good friends and now we’re friends.
My husband and i work opposite shifts. So I work from 5am to 2pm and he works from 3pm to 2am and we have conjoining days off. That way one of us is always home with the kids so we subtract the issue of daycare or babysitters. So maybe when you do start working look for a job with the exact opposite schedule your s.o has. With the daily despair of watching your kids grow and become more independent, I say it is bittersweet really. Think of it like this, yes its sad they’re not a little baby anymore and might not need you as much for everything but you are the reason they are learning and growing. It brings me great happiness to see them learn new things daily and grow. Also I would like to add that im 30 with my own children now and still need my mom. No matter how big they get you’re always going to be their person, the one they look to for comfort, love and guidance. The worry is normal with going back to work and missing them. Having hubby home helps with that too. No matter what you choose they will be happy because clearly they have a loving mother.
- Day care: Check for certification programs in your state/county/city/town for child care providers/centers. And not just child & infant CPR training, but health Dept. inspections & caregiver best practices certifications, maybe Early Childhood Education degrees for at least one person on staff. Ask for references from other parents too.
Check the care place out in person before you sign up your child. Once your child is enrolled, drop in at random times to see how things are going & check things out. Kids clean, Fed? Safe environment? Constantly monitored? Clean surfaces? Messy is OK, hazardous is not. People off their cellphones? Kids not plopped in front of a screen & forgotten?
Have someone else try to pick them up (you should have an approved list of who can pick them up, and a “definitely not-approved” list if needed). Make sure the provider calls you to ask before handing your child over to anyone not specifically listed on the “OK to pick up” list, even if it’s grandma.
Your kid will wail when you leave but likely stop once the door closes. It’ll make you cry worse to leave ‘em, but you get more inured to it over time. Plus they have so much fun with the other babies/children & can learn so much in the right environment. In the meantime, you are getting adult conversation and (hopefully) mental stimulation at work while being your professional self and keeping your skills current.
Allow transition time for them to get used to you again when you pick them up. It can be emotional for you both.
Don’t stake your life on your kids. Keep what makes you you. Have your own interests, hobbies and identity outside of “Mommy” or you will warp your kid & set yourself up for sadness. The point of raising children is to make them independent. If you live only for and through your kids, you will have no marriage and no life once they pull away & move away.
Do a couple scenarios on paper and do the math. Will your career allow you to at least break even on costs? Will going back to work now put you in line for a better salary/benefits in the near future even if you’re losing money at first? Do medical benefits, including Health Savings Accounts, 401(k)s, free memberships, etc. figure into the equation? How secure is your husband’s job/benefits? Could you pick up the payments if he is laid off?
Can you take advantage of free or low cost training/schooling while you’re at home to boost your salary potential? Can you do part time work or job-share with someone? Are you keeping & making new contacts in your career field? Do you have a Linked In profile & other online career presence?
Are you a member of a professional organization or several where you can network? It’ll be phone/online during the pandemic but in person to touch base, go to a lecture/workshop/class when/if in-person becomes OK again.
I barely broke even on day care costs, but went back to work at 5/6 weeks to maintain my career, and be the backup for my husband on benefits if his contracts ran out/he got RIFed. But if I stayed out of the workforce longer I might not have had a job, been able to find a job in less than 3-6 months, or keep my skills up to date. Not to mention preventing backstabbing/sabotaging while I was out in a very political office environment.
- What would happen if your husband was out of work long term? Or his company goes bankrupt and you have to move to a new place for a job? What if things go sour & you want a divorce or, god forbid, have to escape from an increasingly or sudden abusive situation? What if your husband becomes disabled? What if he dies? Or runs off with another woman? Plan now for financial security for yourself and your kids medium & long-term. More than 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Expect the best, plan for the worst.
Do either or both of you have life insurance? You should always have enough $$ socked away under your own name, plus current job skills, for an emergency and so you can always walk away if you need to and still be OK. Lawyers can be really expensive.
- If you can’t afford more kids, look into one of you getting “snipped.” It’s cheaper & easier for the man, but often a hard sell. Alternatively, be hyper vigilant about using whatever effective birth control works for you. Note: the Rhythm method usually is NEITHER effective NOR foolproof.
Good luck and I wish you all the best. Maybe one day you will be rewarded with grandchildren. They are much easier!
Before my sister-in-law moved in, I worked on my husband days off and took shifts that started after he got home. It’s not ideal, you don’t really get much time together, but you DO still get time with your babies and don’t have to worry about childcare costs or who your leaving your kids with. It’s a good way to earn an income without that added stress.
I waited until my kids could talk before I put them in daycare. That way they could tell me if someone tried to mistreat them . Find people you can trust. My middle guy has Down Syndrome and My youngest has severe autism is non-verbal, self-injurious. Had to quit my job when he was 2. My (nonpaying )job since that time is Warrior Mom!
I’m a mom of five. First question, they will always need their mom. My oldest is 20 and expecting her first baby, she moved back home so I could help her. Like I said they will always need you at any age. As for daycare, I recommend family or a life long friend. I have a 4 year old and 18 year old that are both autistic. My oldest babysits for me or my sister. I also have a friend that I would trust with my children. I have never sent them to daycare outside of my home. I hope this helps you a little bit.
I just had my second baby today.
I’m currently a SAHM, since I lost my job during the pandemic and I would end up being a SAHM anyway since we can’t afford daycare for two children.
I plan on getting a part time evening job just 2-3 days a week for me to have my own spending money, and help out if needed.
My husband will be home with the kids, while I’m at work the same way I’m home while he’s at work.
I stayed home with my daughter and my son w/Aspergers (2 yrs apart) until they were both in elementary school, then went to work at the school. We all did our own thing, but I was close just in case. Same school/work schedule, summers/ vacations off, etc, and helped out financially. It worked really well for us.
I have 2 special needs kids and I understand the fear. When I first sent my 3 year old to preschool I didn’t relax until I picked her up. When both my kids were in school my cell phone became attached to my side. It isn’t an easy question. All I did was pray and trust God to watch over my little ones when I can’t.
- You enjoy every fricking minute of it.
- Stop the crying. Wasting time and tears.
- Raise these kids to be the best they can be. do a good enough job that they succeed and are good, honest, hard working, and many people tell you have raised great kids.
- Raise them to fly and be confident in who they are.
- Raise them to love, and respect everyone, our country, and God.
- As they leave you can cry and let it go. But know they will return stronger, older, wiser and emulate you in being a parent.
- That sounds like some serious anxiety you need to get treated. 2. Embrace your kids milestones. That’s how I handle her growing up look forward to seeing what the become. 3. Look into night shift work or any work that can be worked opposite your partner it sucks but its only temporary
All good mamas relate. Our hearts are just walking around outside of our bodies. And we’re over here trying to keep it from being broken. Be kind to yourself. These feelings watching our babies grow are poweful. We feel them deep. Its ok. As for child care, be careful, check thoroughly before choosing someone.
It is HARD trusting someone else with your baby. If possible leave with family or close trusted friend.
Trust your instincts. If it feel off or wrong change sitters.
I was lucky mine. I took her to work with me until she was 3, then I found a good daycare. When we couldn’t afford it my Hubby or I were able to take her to work with us.
I was ver fortunate to be able to stay home to raise my five kids. If I had went to work my check would have paid daycare so why work. Yes we went without, but as long as my bills were paid, food on the table and a roof over my head I was happy. My kids played outside. Didn’t have all the new gadgets.
My mom solved this problem, way back, by getting a job at night. Worked in an envelope factory. This means dad has to step up and do more around the house and with the kiddos. Would also require real effort to make weekends family time. Good luck and God Bless, whatever you decide to do.
The first day away is always tough! Find a person or center you are really comfortable with and it will get easier. Hugs, you are doing great!
Wait till they are grown with a family of their own and you are a widow and you realize just how old they are your life becomes lonely
You may want to rethink that. You will most likely be spending 1/2 to 3/4 of your pay on daycare. You may want to either wait until youngest is in school or work shift work so your spouse can take over childcare while you are at work.
Enjoy these early years with your kids, these are moments you never get back. Don’t worry about the material things, those will come later. Enjoy simple pleasures and learning with your kids, they will teach you too! Everything gets done, maybe not right away, but it all falls into place. You will be fine!
I’m a SAHM. My son is 9 months old. He started walking within the last couple of weeks. Even though it makes me so happy that he is reaching these mile stones, it’s bittersweet. I don’t know how I would put him in a daycare. We’re in the same boat.
I only ever put my kids in a center where a very close friend worked. And the management knew it, if she left so did my kids. And I knew everything that went on in there one the daily. Otherwise, no thanks lol
Cant help with the wanting to cry about them getting older, that hits me like bricks sometimes. For the work thing I chose to do night shift. Its hard and it sucks, but you will always have someone home with your babies. And with sick days and snow days it seems like you cant count on daycare
Mine have been in daycare since 6 weeks old and they do great. They get to socialize with other children and learn. They also get used to not being with mommy and daddy constantly. Most people aren’t out to hurt children. There are tons of reputable daycares. It will be no different when they go to school.
Mama , just stay home with those youngens. They grow up too fast. If U get a job, you’ll still be broke. Daycare will eat up everything U thought U would be making.
Nothing against Daycares, good ones R definitely needed.
You’ll be tired when U get home and All the work is still there. If you’re tired U won’t enjoy your family either.
In home daycare is the best. Treated well. All my grandchildren were with same person. She had daycare in home. Just be sure they are certified. They can only have so many children. Great for my children to leave them with her. Took sick or well. Just segregated them.
Well not the best but most of my coworkers work different shifts so they are the only ones watching their kids
I don’t but I do know there are ALOT of daycare centers that specializes in special needs children you just have to take the time to find them I hope you find one in your area and budget
Start searching now for reputable places to watch your children.
That’s the first and foremost thing a working mother needs to know.
I was lucky, my MIL watched mine as I worked , I paid her to watch them.
Came a time when they were becoming teens I decided that was enough, and I’d rather be home with them, especially after school. ( best thing I ever did) .
Some of their friends ended up being troublemakers, but mine did not, I knew where they were.
The extra money I was making for the household I gave up, to stay home with my kids…which meant we did without some things.
( nothing important) we had all we needed.
Maybe you can work for a time to get yourselves in a good spot, then go back to being a sahm
Remember, childcare isn’t cheap these days.
And if the majority of your paycheck is going towards that, it would be more beneficial for you to care for them yourself.
I wish you the best.
This is one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make when mine were little.
Ok a nana speaking here…, guess what they will grow up ready or not. I cried the whole first week I went back to work after my first. I had a wonderful daycare person. Didn’t matter nobody like Mom. By # 2 still all the same feelings but a little more relaxed. By the time they were 1 and 4 they cried if I kept them home. They loved the social aspect and friends. No not every day was perfect and yes there were a few issues but easily taken care of.
My children are grown. Time did not stop them. Now they are the parents and I am the grandmother. I enjoy my grandkids.
Enjoy your kids. They love you too.
You cut the cord and strive to raise independent adults. Do not be a helicopter parent. Encourage them to do for themselves and let them go. You love them all the same but you let them become themselves
When you figure it out, please let me know. My “baby” is 17 and a senior in high school. I am so happy he is going to a local college so he can still live at home, even though he could have his pick of almost any school in the country. They grow up way too fast.
My some had extreme despair yesterday disorder and I’m sad to say the daycare he was in didn’t help in anyway.
Work opposite shifts from your SO.
You have them when your SO is at work and trade off so your SO has them when you are at work. Maybe ask for grandparents/ relatives to help 1 day a week and find a friend to trade days off for play dates. This will get you both time with and without the kids, more income and free time and kids learn to play with others with and without you. This is what has worked for us.
I started cleaning houses took clients that would let me set up a playpen and bring the littles with me. They were good about staying in and playing when they got older they would sit and watch tv my oldest is 16 and now helps me
A lot of places are doing the work from home thing, so you can try that.
I only had one and it doesn’t get easier you just shift concerns and fear into the next phase until early teens then panic because it wasn’t that long ago that you were that age and you know what you got into.
Work nights and hubby can work days so no kids will need to be in day care.
Maybe a church nursery. A lot of them have Mother’s Day out and it’s free for that day.
Me and my husband worked opposite shifts so our kids were home with one of us
I had another one…they’re 3,15, and almost 20. Now in a few years (@10) I ll pray for grandkids or do foster care
Kids grow… Being sad doesn’t stop it… And i got very comfortable with going to work when my kid needed food lol
We had 3 under 5. They all moved out in three consecurive years. I had the worst time. Until about 5 years ago, I was 55 I had horrible empty nest syndrome. TERRIBLE!!! They should warn us about this stuff or pass out books on how to handle them being there all the time, then poof. Gone. Its cruel. Its an exciting time for the kids so they dont care. I was inconsolable. It was awful. Worst time of my life. I loved having kids. Now one doesnt talk to me. Once again devastated. He cant or wont tell me why. Just poof. Again.
Maybe you can work at home or babysit other children. Possibly you could work a different shift than your husband.
Research, Research, Research. Make sure you tour facilities, ask questions, read reviews online, go to the state health department website and look up their inspection paper its public, bring your kids to the daycare when you tour it and see if they like the daycare.
Get a job that you can be at home. My daughter is not only a SAHM she took on line courses and works at home.
How about working from home there are opportunities to do that online
Watching them grow up, beats burying them, hands down. As I watched my children grow, learn, become empathetic, caring, human beings, is the best moments in my life.
Remembering my daughters, Kelsey, forever 16 & Jessica, forever 22. Murdered November 21, 2015.
We woke up to gunshots. A 17 yr old boy who knew my Kels, 5 MONTHS, broke in at shot both my girls, then himself.
I jump for joy and count down the days until they are out of my house!
Ummmm really your kids only 2
I would not put them in daycare until they can talk and tell me what’s going on there
Stay home, deal with less money, no one will love you babies like you do
Lady if you have to ask those questions you shouldn’t be a mother
You don’t you just do it and do what you need to do and do a lot of research on places
I never put my kids in daycare. Can you baby sit another child in addition to yours and make some $$ that way? I heard too many horror stories about daycare, and they are not cheap. When we figured cost for two kids, extra work clothes for me, extra gas and insurance and take out food rather than home cooked, we figured there would be little advantage in my working. Once the kids were in school, I worked part time in schools also. So I was off when they were off.
It depends if it’s worth you going to work with 2 little ones, if your paycheck is going to mostly have to pay for daycare you might as well stay home…you have MANY years to work once they go to school, those years are precious before school and you NEVER get them back, worth the sacrifice… but if you can work something out with SO like she said above, work a couple nights a week, that would be ideal…
As a former Licensed Daycare Provider…I can’t stress enough…ask for references from providers daycare parents. FOLLOW up on the references. IF they give you names of former parents, ask IF they would take their child there again. Find out vacation and sick vacations…Do I have to pay when child is not there, do I pay for your vacations? Also, how long they have been doing daycare. These are just for starters. Also, ask if you can drop in anytime. If they say no, then rethink.
You live in the present. That’s what you do
I have 4 kids. 2 infants and 2 special needs. I have only recently been home with the kids (last year). Before that I worked full time. You interview daycare and find one you mesh with. My first born was in several daycare the first year for several reasons. We thought we found one we loved and was convenient for us, but turns out she loved her own kids more than daycare and would frequently send the kids home with fictitious temps or not take them. When we reached a point of being out of sick and vacation time to watch our perfectly healthy kid (and found out it was being done to others there too) we gave her our 2 weeks notice and she had everything including diapers packed. That was the end of our relationship ever. We then did a daycare center and had another daycare while the first one was on maternity leave (whom we tried to switch to). The daycare center was great but weren’t able to provide enough individual attention and after number 2 came along one of the teachers form the center opened her own and she was amazing. Daycare years suck, but there are some awesome providers out there! You just have to look, and look early! Both of my oldest are special needs including spd. Daycares can do it!
Never had children or a wife or grandkids either. Girls I dated just looked for a reason to find something to get upset about.
It is very sad that it takes two incomes to support a family and has been that way for many years. Didn’t you ever wonder why? But that’s another discussion.
I had six children in ten years. Fortunately I could and wanted to stay home. I would have a very hard time leaving a baby with another adult if I had to work. I have helped out with several of my grandchildren when mother’s went back to work. Too many crazies out there.
Kimberly Auve Heath that is such great advice!
My daughters are now 48, 44 and 42. I was a SAHM and I wouldn’t change that if I could. Most of any money I would have earned would have been spent on day care. I got to make the cupcakes for their class, volunteer in their school library., etc. loved it.