It’s time for him to go. File support and visitation , change all of your bank information (close the accts if necc.), tell him to leave, file for any govt assistance you can.
Life will be much easier when you don’t have a lazy active alcoholic and gambler to deal with every day. It’ll be better for the kids too. Sell the house if you really want to it is a sellers market in a lot of places.
Why on earth would you put him on your bank accounts?
Why do you keep having kids with this loser? Women can choose what losers they sleep with, children can’t choose their fathers and this is who you’ve set them up with 
Words mean shit, actions mean everything! He’s a lazy, entitled, grown boy child I would be embarrassed to tell people he’s the father of my children and that I’ve been with him for 10 years while he gambled my life savings away.
Yo! He’s not going to change sis. He might get a job but it won’t be a good one and it won’t last. He won’t work on his addictions (gambling/drinking) because he’s shown you clearly that he doesn’t intend on making any effort to, he won’t help around the house, because again, he’s lazy af. 
I divorced my version of this in 2019 before I ever got pregnant THANKFULLY, and shocker, he’s still a loser. I promise you, you’ll feel about 200lb lighter when you get rid of all that dead weight in your house 
P.S. to blame it on your hormones is manipulative AF 
He literally brings NOTHING to your table. Time to start eating alone 
I think you already know you’ve stayed too long and your kids will suffer if you don’t get out.
Change your account, so he has no access to it , tell him, you did it so you know your bills will be paid and he can’t gamble or drink it away ,see what he reactions is ,
Get rid of him
He’s dragging you & your kids down.
Your kids don’t deserve that.
You cannot allow your kids to suffer bc of him. If you do then you’re allowing this behavior.
Your kids are 1st & he’s not prioritizing.
One thing I learned, men only do what you allow.
No it’s not your fault that he makes these weak decisions, but if you put up with it he will keep doing it and nothing will change.
I’d give him a 30 day eviction notice & I would even feel bad for him.
I’d be hurt but I rather hurt then my kids to be put last.
Take care and prayers to you and your babies.
Run. Take him to court to help support all the kids. Stop Having more kids. Kids should not be brought into a negative environment.
Sorry you’re going through this. Even just being pregnant with twins isn’t easy. In my point of view, if your spouse isn’t supporting you financially and isn’t helping with anything around the house, they don’t need to be your spouse anymore. Divorce is not cheap! When you can go back to work, save everything you can so you can leave. Start a new bank account with only your name so he can’t drain it
First off, change bank accounts so he has ZERO access.
Second, don’t sell your home, you can present him with 2 options. He moves out, gets sober and a job and if y’all want to work it out, do so. Or, tell him he needs to move out, get an eviction notice for him since he legally lives there, separate and divorce. Don’t give your home up especially with 2 more babies on the way. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, best of luck 
I know you’re exhausted. I’m tired from just reading all this. You’re raising a man. He’s another child literally you’re taking care of. I was once in a relationship where I was the breadwinner (2 years) and NEVER will I do that again. I don’t know how you’ve done it for 10 years! It’s a man job to be able to PROVIDE for his family.
He’s comfortable because you’re enabling him to be lazy he’s not going to do better because he don’t want to and he knows you will be there by his side.
Please get rid of him. Move if you have to. Use the money from selling your home and start over! It should be enough to sustain you until you get back on your feet after having the babies. Praying for your rest, peace, and happiness. You and your kids deserve better!
Bounce girl, leave! There’s no changing that situation unfortunately, you were better off without him .
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F o r a w h i l e ? S t a y i n h o u s e
A n d f i l e f o r c h i l d s u p p o r t.
P l u s t h e r e i s a l o t o f
P l a c e s t o g e t h e l p. E v e n
W i t h d a y c a r e. G o o d l u c k.
Yes I did.
It’s not an easy thing to do, to leave someone, but if you’ve done everything you can such as talking to your partner about all the issues you have & still there is no positive results from those discussions, then he is not going change. You said you’ve been with him for 10 yrs, so in all this time if he’s never lifted a finger to help you out around the house/garden etc, what makes you think he’s suddenly going to change now? If he’s the type to help himself to the bill money without your knowledge then you’re better off without him. Believe me, he’s probably been doing this along time, robbing u blind & making excuses for it. Sounds like he’s already manipulating you by saying you’re over reacting & the rest of the B.S he accuses you of.
So you to stand strong girl 
you need to brave & do this for you & your kids.
First you need to get legal support as you mention that you want to sell your house. You need to find out if by moving out do you lose rights to sale of the house & what your entitlements are especially if you’re not married.
Next you may need to get court orders for intervention order. (Depending if you feel your life or kids life could be at risk.)
Then you need to find a safe place to go too. You can get help through women’s refuges. They will take you & kids, but usually not pets.
Once you find a place to go too, then get a few of your friends together to help you pack up yours & kids stuff. This will be quickest way. Make sure you have plenty of bags or boxes ready.
U can do it! Set up daycare get some public assistance and save, make a plan and go! If he wants to change he will for u, stop being a stepping stone, if ur unhappy make urself happy and go, if u love the man give him the ultimatum to get a job or go, can u make him leave? Keep ur next moves to urself
Your being an enabler get counseling
Don’t sell ur house u wouldn’t b able to pay rent these days… a lot of places won’t take single women with kids
Why have you not changed your bank accounts so he doesn’t have access
Wait till he goes out change the locks and leave his belongings on the step you and your children are more important than his selfish behavior
You can get a work from home position and be self sufficient. Join the work at home lounge on face book. There is all solid leads on legit wfh positions.
Drop the excess weight. If he’s acting like this now, I don’t foresee any change. Once someone starts a behavior such as this, it’s all a downward spiral from there.
Question is do you love him? If not, leave.
RUN 
it’s going to be hard and a struggle but that’s a horrible situation for you and your kids to be in. Get on some assistance until you get on your feet and get your life back. Also girl you poor thing twins with this dude I would have been on some heavy bc if I was with him.
If you have to ask it’s time.
I say, LEAVE NOW! No regrets girl! You need to look after YOU for you’re babies. Your partner needs to GROW UP!, WITH or WITHOUT YOU! Yes it will be hard if you love him but it won’t be for long. It will probably be the best thing you could do for you and you’re babies. Loves 
Tell him to get it together or get the fuck out. Plain and simple. Change banks so he can’t get into them
You must be exhausted and so stressed . Im so sorry you’re going through this especially while pregnant.
He needs to man up, get help for his addictions and start being a partner instead of an additional child
If he wont turn his life around …
New Bank accounts in your name only
New locks on all doors
Pack his bags and put him out
Maybe it will give him a shock and force him to seek help…or maybe he’ll end up homeless because he’s not got you to carry him.
Either way its his choice and not your fault . You dont need the stress
Luckily he’s just a bf easier to kick him out since you’re not married. I’d give him 30 days to get his shit together just to be nice and then threaten him with child support to see if he’ll change but honestly if he drinks most of the time he can’t be trusted alone with children
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do you know it's time to end a relationship? - Mamas Uncut
As soon as you are able to save up the money, get yourself and your children away from him…DO NOT give him access to any of your accts. Open new ones that he knows nothing about. He clearly did not give any consideration or thought to you and your children when he drained both of your accounts. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself and you and your children need to get away from him
Sounds like you already know the answer! If you’re looking for validation from others, you don’t need it momma. Do what you need to do, it’s been too long for you to be questioning yourself!
Leave. Him. Get out!
U need to run as soon as u can, an apology without changed behavior is Manipulation, this is not a man and u and the babies deserve better
When you ask the question, you already know.
When do you know when it’s time to end the relationship? When you post online asking….
Girl enough is enough take him off your accounts take his cards away, and leave him you done made him too comfortable he don’t and won’t change and he says you are overracting and overthinking because he is taking the blame off of himself and put it back on you…your time is now after you all had a discussion abiyt and expressed your concerns so your time is now
It’s your house!!, kick him out!!.. open your own account, and girl!!!, get that next check from him first… he gets nothing but gas money to work to give you the next check
Dump him, dump him now!! Kick his ass to the curb. Why should you have to sell your house you worked so hard for, make him leave immediately. Also, how did he gain access to your accounts? You could possibly take him to court for stealing from you. He needs to go, the sooner the better.
Why have you given him 10 years of your life? It sounds like he takes and takes without giving anything in return, he is an alcoholic, he doesn’t care about the welfare of his wife or children and if you allow him to stay around, your children could follow in his footsteps. It sounds like they have a good role model in you and although it may be hard to go on without him, it’s hard now going on with him isn’t it?
You know the answer, only advice I would give is to prepare without him knowing
If you have to ask how you know it’s time to go…IT’S TIME TO GO.
It sounds to me like you know you need to let go it’s just the matter of making it happen.
Get you ducks in a row and move TF on… this situation will not change
Do what is best for you and your kids. You said it, stop watering dead flowers…
Only one way to teach him a lesson and that’s kick him out…gotta hit rock bottom to learn. You and the kids deserve way more.
It’s sounds like he’s mostly just making things harder.
I feel you know. It’s when you can finally be honest with yourself to say I am done with this
Oh my. I feel like although it would be harder for you, it will eventually be the easier option. As soon as you said you quit your job and your bf got a job spoke volumes to me. This ‘boy’ is only holding you back! You know what you have to do
Run do not keep giving him money or your the problem not him quit enabling him make him step up
Know your worth! You don’t need our validation to know this. You can do it!
Being the only Male to comment so far, if he doesn’t make sure the family is financially secure and try and make life easy for you it’s time to go. I was a stay home dad cooked cleaned made her lunches and did side jobs to pay for smokes, beer and build a yard for the kids. Apparently I didn’t do it right but it sounds like he’ll only change when he knows he’s out of forgiveness with you and you’re gone.
Seems like you’ve answered your own question here. Read it back to yourself and go with your gut.
I know it hurts to hear but you need to call it quits for your children’s sake and yours mama
Leave him. He clearly doesn’t “love” you if he drained both accounts. And if he has this issue why the heck would you allow him on them or access to them anyway? Especially when you have TWINS on the way. Either leave or tell him he needs to get his act together or leave. Give him the ultimatum you and the kids or drinking and gambling. If he doesn’t change, leave. Don’t give him an option.
Two kids and two on the way and he won’t commit, nor contribute? I think you need to analyze yourself first and not worry about him.
You know exactly what you gotta do girl! You have two babies and two on the way a family doesn’t always mean mom and dad together im sorry but you gotta be strong and moverse por on without him. At some point something has got to give.
Time to leave. Time to take care of you and your babies
This post was directly under yours and i think its too relatable.
When you have to ask… It’s time to move ahead!!
If he is not a partner then he is a pet, because he certainly isn’t one of your children…it seems like his sole purpose it to take with no regard for his children or you…that is what a pet does…you love them and take care of them. They are only there for your benefit ,to have something to take care and love…the thing is a pet loves you back, he doesn’t seem to love anyone,but himself…you don’t need him… it will be easier without him, because he will only keep making things harder by continuing to take from you and from the kids
If your asking hun I think you already know your answer I’m sorry you have had to go through that
I’m a just be honest with you …being a single parent of twins (they 18 now )this is not the time to leave him…you gone need every hand you can use …I know your tired and frustrated but if you then held on for ten years you can hold a little bit longer …I say that because handling two babies at a time is not for the weak …at least hang on till that 6month postpartum mark and you get a routine down packed then leave or whatever but I’m all about keeping families together
When a man says he knows he needs to change and makes zero effort to change, especially when yall have been together for 10 years, it’s time to leave, he isnt what’s best for you and the children. Hes putting his gambling and drinking before yall, going behind your back to take your money. Making promises to give you the next paycheck when chances are he wint with those addictions. I’d say it’s time to find something new. Father of your kids or not. He isnt worth staying anymore
I went through the exact same thing when I was pregnant with my twins as well. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I ended up leaving the relationship when my kids were a year and a half. This was the eye opener he needed to change I left for roughly 6 to 7 months. He made the changes necessary and stopped all his bad habits we have now been back together for 3 years and he hasn’t relapsed. I hope things change for you as well being a mom of twins is not easy especially when you are going through something as difficult as this. My thoughts are with you and I hope everything works out for you.
Sounds like you’re done…Set boundaries. Cut him off from your finances. He needs to pay for his own bad habits and contribute as a father…I totally hear your frustrations and get it!! If I was in your shoes, id try to maintain a positive coparenting relationship with him and encourage him to do better in a nice way but obviously don’t take his shit… He’s bound to keep being deadweight if he gets talked down to or constantly told what’s he’s lacking…try a loving, positive approach…and if he doesn’t get it together then it’s clear it’s time to move on.
I was married to a man for 20 years who was the father of my 2 youngest kids. I was the one who worked and payed for everything including his drug habits. He would steal my bill money and I struggled for years to have a place to live and food to eat. It was so exhausting but I loved him. No matter how much everyone said that I needed to leave I would let him convince me that he would change or listen to him tell me how awful I would be if I kicked the boys’ father out and how they would hate me for it. Finally I came to a point where I had finally had enough. He had stolen all of the rent money I had that was due the next day. There I was knowing that we were fixing to be homeless and at that moment I realized that if he really loved his sons he would not do something that was going to leave them homeless or without food, he would want to make sure that they were taken care of. I left and never looked back or regretted it. What I did regret was all the years that I wasted on someone that only cared about himself.
Im kind of in the same situation myself but weve been together for 2 years and he doesnt work and kind of refuses in a way . I would tell him to get his shit together and see what he does . If he doesnt do it , leave .
10 yrs?? Gurrl…That boy knows you ain’t serious on leaving him. He’s had it too cushy for too long. He “knows” you need him to watch the kids… And “hold down” the fort so you can bring in the money. Not saying staying home and watching kids and cleaning isn’t a hard job… but sounds like he’s taking advantage of you big time… excusing my judginess but still …
You are a powerful woman…
Start looking for single mother resources. Change your locks put his sht outside. And don’t communicate unless it’s about his daddy duties. Ignore all his drama and nonsense he’s gonna say.
And do you and you’re babies.
Take the advise that works best for you and run with it.
Actions speak louder. If he ain’t acting on what he says he’ll do. Bye!
Or. Let him know you’re serious. Give a time frame if there are no consistent changes. Then he’s got to go… Sell your house. Buy and Rv cheap. Fix it up. Keep the rest of your money as a nest egg. Fulltime RV life groups all over Facebook. Even just woman groups.
Good luck and hope everything works out the way it’s supposed to for you. 
Used this opportunity to escape from him! Separate and you will not have to pay him nothing now! But in another circumstances you would be having to pay and him taking care of the kids considering he has been the house wife and you have been the husband! But with this you have the opportunity to leave him, it’s not your hormones is the fact that if you are ever in this situation you will have nothing to fall back on! Gambling and drinking are not curable by choice but by counseling and therapy but normally the person has to hit rock bottom and your husband is just happy being provided and taken care off! Separate and have him move out of your home and don’t sale it! That has been your only stable thing! Rent is expensive specially when you add the bills plus you will not have all the room that you have una home!
if ur questioning the situation u obviously thought about what u should could n actually do… as a mother u r strong n will achieve for ur children… i had too
It might be hard on your own for awhile but you need to let that dude go. And since you’re hard working you will figure it out I’m sure!!! It’ll probably be a relief for you. He is selfish and you don’t want your kids to develop bad habits like that
It sounds like you already a single mother, with a man stone around your neck…cut him loose and simplify
I think that leaving with twin newborns will be the hardest thing you ever do. If it were me, I would come back to this in ONE YEAR. Give yourself a deadline and tell him about it. This way, you have every hand possible when the twins r newborns, you give yourself time to get a job and stash away money and you also can say that you gave him every chance in the world to change (early if you tell him the deadline is a year, he can’t veg for you back if he fucks it up) this is just what id do if it were me.
He is not responsible enough to leave those babies with him …find a babysitter now before they are born… go back to work as soon as you are physically able and have hired a dependable sitter for the children . It will.make your life easier and be one less person you have to take of!
Do not wait start making plans with a good friend or family member, you can trust, the longer you stay the worse it will be, especially with 2 newborns! Never change & obviously he thinks more about himself than his family to drain the accounts! Even his effort to work will not be lifelong due to pattern, habits get worse, money becomes less & you will be paying off debts rest of your life! As said above, RUN, too many RED FLAGS for this relationship to continue productively. Seems one sided with you doing everything as well as were working! Talk with a Social Worker or Counsellor to help with making plans quietly to move forward on a different journey! Good luck & reach out whenever you need! I am a senior & have seen many similar situations in my 45+ years working in Health Care with New mom’s!
How did he get your money out of the bank account? I would have kept that VERY hidden from him knowing he had a problem!!!
You are teaching your children how to be treated. Stop! You & your children deserve better. If he is hurting instead of helping, make a plan & live the life you deserve!
He is another child, that you are taking care of. I left the same issues while I had 1 and was pregnant with me 2nd. There are hard times, but it’s only harder when your trying to change a brick wall.
U should have left awhile ago but I wish u luck it won’t get any easier with the twins. If urs were anything like mine they didnt feed at the same time, they ate every 2 hours on their own, and idk whether its fortunate or unfortunate but my twins have had 2 teeth come in at a time about a week apart and they’ve had 4 molars just come in all at once. Teething throws off their schedules. Anyway 2 other kids won’t be easy. I’d say stick it out until u can afford 2 be on ur own but it won’t ever get easier and it will be awhile before u can do that. U dont need that stress on top of everything else
If possible try find a job you can do from home right now that way you can have some of your own money coming in. And I’d give him the ultimatum it changes now or he leaves period! It does sound like you are in fact being taken advantage of and the more you continue to express yourself to him and the longer nothing changes the more stressed out you’ll become and you don’t need that. He’s continue the same habits and telling you what you want to hear in the moment because there has been no actual consequences to his actions your sort of enabling him to continue this way by not actually doing anything about it. If you made him leave he will do one of two things, he will either wake tf up and become the partner you need, or he will run off upset and continue acting the way he does 
either way it will be less stressful on you then dealing with what you are
It might be hard for a while but I’d rather struggle for a bit than be with someone like that. It sounds like you’re already doing it on your own, you’d be better off without him. At least you’d know where your money is going and can support your babies.
Get a bank account he can’t access!
If you are in a relationship and he’s not helping you, you don’t need him. You are doing everything on your own so that’s proof that you don’t need him right? Yes he’s the father of your kids, but get out of the situation. It will only get worse. I would definitely make him leave if it’s your house. He would be paying child support. It sounds like you are a free place to stay and as long as you allow that behavior, he’s not going anywhere. I’ve been there. Just my opinion. Good luck to you and your family 
You must take away the emotion and live and breathe the LOGIC. Thats how we read this, no foot in the race. You can do this! Logic. Not emotion. Your new mantra
Everyone is so quick to scream leave, and don’t get me wrong I agree, however, you are pregnant with two more babies that are going to need you. My advice would be to wait, save up, and get the hell out. There will never be a perfect time, but go back to work, don’t allow him access to any funds if he’s not working. Set real boundaries, set a date, and stick to it. If he doesn’t get help, get a job, and contribute, then you’ve done all you could, and it will be hard to walk away, but you’ll know everything you could do is done.
Sweetheart, congratulations on the babies coming your way!
Please take a minute and write down the pros and cons of staying. It will be an eye opener. You’re a go-getter! It won’t be easy, but you already know what has to be done. All my love and good vibes are for you 
You let this happen so now you need to get yourself out. Don’t let him have any access to your money. Him being a grown man and having all these children should make him realize that he needs to step his lazy ass up and start making money. Either he gets better and steps up or get him out of your life.
End it. Been there, and no matter how many times I tried to talk to him, he always gave empty promises, all the while draining the money and acting defensive.
Being a single mom is tough, but I’d choose that time and time again over being in a dead-end relationship, and struggling because I allowed someone else to take advantage. It’s been 5 years now and we are better off, and he is still in his never-ending cycle of Payday cash out, casino, booze, and broke by Monday.
Open up a separate bank account as soon as money hits the bank transfer over money to start replacing what he took. I agree with others give yourself a deadline for 1 year giving time for your babies to be born and you get a job. After that I say be firm on leaving him if you didn’t see change of behavior from the prior months. You could do it without him, going to be a bit hard but no woman should be having to support a man like that.
Kick is assuming to the curb you deserve better! If you’re the breadwinner establish responsibility unto the rest …you got this go girl!
You know. He’s dead weight. Time to move on.
I think you know your answer!
I’m in a very similar situation as you girl, so my goes out to you. Currently 6mo preggo with #2. My hubby of 3 years, together for 9, is by the book BPD. He made me miserable with my first pregnancy and promised afterwards he’d do better next time around…got pregnant again after 2 years and it’s the same BS if not worse. I do 99% of the work around the house, plus work 30 hours/week while raising our toddler and managing the ups and downs of pregnancy. He’s never been able to hold a job for more than a year, and finally landed a dream job/career last October. That I helped him get by doing the application, background check, paperwork etc.
When we argue, which has been a constant companion the last 9 years and most especially during this pregnancy, he pulls most of the money out of the joint account and goes to the casino, plus drinks everyday. I’m past that breaking point, emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. Everyone is to blame for his actions/behaviors except him. Even when things are good, he never makes much effort to change or be the husband I need.
My toddler sees/hears more from our arguments than any child should, and that alone makes me cry. It’s scary to think of raising two children in this world by myself, but I can’t even rely on my husband to man up and do right by me or his family…
I was with my ex for 9 years. I too was the person that made the money while he stayed home. He never held a permanent job for more than a week and then would be off for months. We finally had a daughter together. I worked my entire pregnancy while he stayed at home. I thought about leaving multiple times while pregnant. I chose to stay. Even after pregnancy I was the only one that worked. I left him when she was 2. I was 17 when I met him and he was 19. I don’t regret leaving at all. I was worried about sitters in the beginning also because she was so young. When I left I found sitters to help out. It was a scary step. While I was pregnant I didn’t have a job that paid a lot for a sitter either. I found a great paying job and that helped push me to leave also.
My boyfriend drained my bank accounts and kept telling me he was working towards getting a job, never did. Whenever I got paid he would take money from me and spend it before I even noticed it was gone. He kept telling me I’ll give you all of my tax return “it’s gonna be big” I kept thinking he would change but after time he never did.
I left and now he has enough money saved up that it has me thinking about all the times I thought I was the problem. He just was using me for money. I really hope you see the potential in yourself for you and the babies 
Sounds like you’re a mommy daddy meaning you have to do it all and sounds like you can With Gods help if he’s a good husband & father in other ways be patient and things will get better the best things in life aren’t things your kids need the love of their dad
1.Get gim out of your house. 2. If it´s financially too hard to keep the house, sell it, get a rental and don´t look back! He is scarring these kids for life and you for that matter. You have 2 kids and 2 on the way, you don´t need a man-baby to take care of! You have been doing it all alone, you can and will in the future and it probably will be easier because you don´t have someone sabotaging you every step of the way. I wish you a lot of strength and wisdom, hang in there, you can do it!
How about he leaves, since it’s your place, and he pays child support? Can you get a WFH job in your field? And I agree with others about the separate bank accounts he can’t access.
Contact your local women’s resource center, they can guide you to services that can help you and your children. Attend some al-anon meetings. It’s a good source for family members dealing with alcoholic behaviors in a family.
Kick his ass to the curb! You don’t need him
I would start with a bank account that doesnt have his name on it. Id stay for now. Save up again and dicide when theres enough in the account he cant touch.
Kick his bum of an ass out the door. Congratulations on the babies xx you will be better off solo… you dont need a grown ass baby bleeding you dry x
Someone gave me advice many years ago that made so much sense to me when being afraid to leave, afraid of how hard it would be, not having help etc.
I was doing the same, bringing in the money, raising the kids, he too was an addict who couldn’t hold down a job. I tried so hard to fix him, almost married him but called it off until he got sober.
The advice (I’m paraphrasing as the advice is well over 15y old now); when someone is there you expect them to help, to want to help, to “do” things for the family. But, when they aren’t there, there’s no expectation of help, you don’t have a daily reminder that this person is physically there and not helping which only frustrates, hurts and infuriates you; the expectation makes it harder to do the things alone that you’re already doing, because the trickery of the expectation. When all along you’ve been doing it all yourself anyway. When you are on you’re own, you aren’t doing any “more” than you’ve already been doing, except taking out the trash, but kids grow and learn to help mom. What makes it easier, is that there is no one around to expect to help you, there is no one to remind you daily that you SHOULD have help. Suddenly the workload doesn’t seem so bad. When you’re on your own, there is no other option other than to figure it out and “get shit done” yourself. In some ways it’s a powerful reminder of how strong and capable you really are.
Not to mention, your mental health improves, and you find you are happier for yourself and your children, who in turn aren’t feeding off negativity and become less fussy and moody themselves.
We will still worry about finances, childcare, a good ol’ break, social breaks, keeping it all together. That’s normal. But you’re already worried about finances, keeping it all together and possibly childcare from an unreliable “partner”.
Build your village. It’s scary and hard to reach out for supports. But build that village momma. Start looking for your support team, be brave and ask for help, get a plan together, you may be surprised at how much of a support system you develop. Life would be so much better without the dead weight, without the extra mouth to feed, with less of the extra stressors. Maybe talk with your mom, she may be more willing to help more often if she felt you truly needed it. My close friends and family were just as frustrated with my ex as I was, so they weren’t jumping to help me with the kids when I was with them; in their eyes HE should’ve been doing more and they refused to enable him any more than I already was.
Another piece of advice I was given by a teacher once (I had my first baby while I was very young); your child grows and develops better, is happier and if they knew the future and had the capacity to understand at a very young age, they would choose your happiness (as the trickle down effect of a mother being happy and mentally and emotionally healthy, has a stronger and healthier impact on them) over having their parents together unhappy.
My son is better off with his father and I apart. He’s happier, I’m happier, and eventually his father up and left his life anyway. But I’m a better mother to him because I looked after ME.
As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. My cup was always empty. After having left his father, my cup started to refill little by little, and because I was happier/healthier so were my children.
(I had two kids, two dads ten years apart; teen mom for first, 20’s for second. I raised both of them mostly on my own, raised one from pregnancy to adulthood without her father. My daughter has struggles bc her father was NEVER in the picture, but she has many fond memories of her childhood and we are so very close. My son has no good memories of his biological father, but has a good and happy life and a very strong bond with his sister and I. He is also a very respectful young man to women, unlike his father.)
There are many GOOD men out there, men who won’t be scared off by single moms with babies, or young children. Men who see the strength we have from demanding more for ourselves and our children.
My last advice to consider is this; we teach our children by example. They often (not always) learn what is and isn’t acceptable treatment by what we SHOW them, not tell them. If you raise your children like this/in this environment, your daughters (likely will) learn this is “good enough”, and your sons learn this is acceptable to do to their partners. We know we always want better for our children, we work hard so they love themselves and are happy. Teach them by showing them what is and isn’t acceptable from a partner, what is a healthy relationship, what is actually “loving” your partner. Teach them to be with true “partners” who respect and love them, who also support each other. So they make sure they only accept the best. We accept less for ourselves than we do for our children, we’d fight like the momma bears we are if someone were treating our children poorly. Apply that same love to yourself. Because that IS expecting better for your children.
Your job isn’t to fix, nor enable him; and frankly, he has no reason to change. He’s got it too good to make any changes. Maybe leaving saves your relationship later on down the road. Maybe it doesn’t. But either way, you’re better off for it (IMO) to get out of that situation, to allow yourself happiness, to treat yourself with more self love, to make room for someone who will love and treat you (and your kids) so much better, and to have your children have more happiness. You will all be sad at first, and have bad days after separating, there will be struggles as you adjust, it will be scary at times; but it will pass, and you will get through it.
