Exhaust every option counseling etc. If there’s no change then youve done your best marriage is work and requires both parties ALL in. If he chooses not to change and assist you in salvaging this union. Then u must make the move to best suit your life etc. Prayers it all works out for you guys:pray:t4:
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It sounds like you already know what you’re going or want to do. If you’re not happy, just leave. I know it would be hard, especially because you have a baby, but think of yourself too. And him
if you are asking then it is to go
The first 5 years of marriage are the hardest. It’s easy to walk away but that’s not always the best solution. Your going to go through many lows, but you have to work through them.
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Time to go when your mind starts wondering about being with someone else
Everything you have said and he just ignores it or just doesn’t even want to be an adult and talk bout it this is when you know it’s time to move on maybe that will be what it takes for him to get the help he needs and for him to even admit there is even issues.If you do move on and he doesn’t do what needs to be done then continue moving forward.My ex was same way he just didn’t care how I felt and he thought I would just deal with it because he knew I did love him but he was wrong I did leave him and he didn’t do anything to try and fix it so I continued on and found my now husband who is the best man I’ve ever known we are a blended family and I wouldn’t change it for anything…PlEASE DON’T WASTE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WAITING AROUND FOR HIM TO ONE DAY GET IT TOGETHER BECAUSE IF YOU LEAVE AND HE DOESN’T DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE THEN KEEP GOING GIRL AND FIND YOURSELF A GOOD MAN WHO WILL GIVE YOU THE LIVE AND ATTENTION YOU WANT…TRUST ME YOU DON’T WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING A FAKE MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP.YOU ALL DESERVE THE TYPE OF LIFE YOU WANT.ITS OK IF IT DON’T WORK OUT ITS BETTER TO DEAL WITH THIS WHILE YOUR CHILD IS YOUNGER THAN YOUR CHILD GROWING UP IN A HOME WHERE THEY CAN SEE THERE’S LACK OF LOVE AND EFFECTION.
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I went through this exact same thing with my husband…best thing for me and my child was me and him divorcing
I expected to see a whole lot of “walk away” (particularly on this page) responses and while those responses were there, I was pleasantly surprised to see others responded with “work on it”.
I have been with my husband for 26 years (married for 22). We have been through this more than once and even separated for a time (a few months). You stated that you “absolutely love him to death” so even though there’s definitely information missing, I start with the stand to try to fight for your relationship. Don’t feel horrible for wondering what it would be like to be with someone else… just don’t act on it. It’s natural to wonder if what we want exists somewhere.
You mention his “anger issues”. My first question is Are you and your baby safe? If you even have to THINK about that answer, forget what I said about staying and get the F out. But “anger issues” is definitely a subjective phrase. I have “anger issues” when I get behind someone driving 50 mph in the left lane. So without knowing what you mean, anything I say from here is based on the assumption that you and your baby are not at physical risk.
You don’t mention how old either of you are and with a 1 year old you really could be anywhere between teenagers to 40-something’s. It matters because he might just not be a fully matured adult. But from the things you describe as “his” issues, he COULD be suffering from depression and IF possible, I would suggest trying to get him to see someone for that.
Others have suggested marriage counseling and I don’t necessarily disagree. Based on MY personal experience, marriage counseling helped us but not in the “traditional” way. Maybe just bad luck but on the handful of attempts we made with a marriage counselor, it served to unite us against a common enemy. We could analyze THAT but the bottom line was that it only demonstrated to us that we were fiercely protective of each other (even while we were actively bashing each other verbally) so I guess it worked. What I would say is that we learned how to communicate better and to adapt to the other’s communication style. You need to be able to not just listen but also hear. When you are telling him about the things that bother you- make sure to hear what is bothering him.
It’s so easy to fall into complacency after having a baby because babies require so much energy and attention. Your routines start to revolve around the baby. You don’t say when you started to feel like your relationship changed, but if it’s been worse over the last year- consider that you (as a couple) are adapting to your new “identities” as parents and maybe abandoning your identities as spouses/partners/lovers. It’s so important to separate that but it can be so hard to do.
Your question was how do you know when it’s time to walk away from a relationship. My short answer is when you have exhausted every other option. Yes, having a kid enters in to the decision making but the debate on staying for the kid(s) or leaving for the kid(s) rages on. MY OPINION- ask yourself what your relationship is teaching your child. Do you want your kid to grow up thinking this is what a marriage/relationship should look like? You want your child to grow up with a happy/content/fulfilled parent. Are you living that way? At a year old, your baby isn’t picking up the words but IS picking up the atmosphere. If it’s angry/tense/sad, that is what he/she is experiencing. As your child gets older, he/she will pick up on how you handle issues. I believe we can’t (and shouldn’t) shield them from conflict but we should model ways to handle conflict. Talking things out, working on issues, fighting for a relationship vs. walking away. But also knowing WHEN to walk away and WHY. Which is exactly what you asked… asking the question does not mean it’s time. But asking does mean that you have work to do to find the answer.
I completely recommend talking to your husband and not in the middle of an argument. In fact, maybe the time to have the discussion is when things have improved… “honey I have to say that I am grateful to see that you heard my concerns and I love that you are working with me on things. I want to make sure that you know that I appreciate it because I love you and want us to work. Are there any things that YOU need from me that you aren’t getting?” Or something like that. I have found that “checking in” with each other helps a lot in keeping things from getting bad.
If your husband IS suffering from depression (a guess based on the issues you listed) it can be a little trickier to try and get him to get help. A good therapist of your own might be able to help you to help him.
I’m sorry for the VERY long response but I feel very strongly that when you love someone you fight for them and for the relationship. In my experience, communication is the best way to do that. Being open, honest and even vulnerable is key to that. Encouraging him to do the same builds a stronger bond but you need patience because he may not be in the same place.
Of course, as I mentioned earlier, if either you or your child are at risk because of his “anger issues” disregard everything else I said and get the F out!
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No sex life with a man with no ambition is good. Don’t add a new baby to your dilemma, it won’t make him more responsible.
You only live once. If it is reoccurring he obviously knows there is problems. Yet goes right back. Never live unhappy just to make someone else happy. You can’t make someone change unless they want to. You can still be friends and co-parent…
If he won’t work on his bad habits, LEAVE for sure. Live your life doing what makes you happy. Maybe separate first since you’re married before you call it quits for good.
When they improve are you acknowledging and expressing what it means to you? Do you appreciate the change? That’s what will keep him continuing with the change.
Take your child and grab a hold of the door knob and walk out that door.
I think we need more details, but being a few years into a marriage with a 1 year old (not assuming here but most likely not raking in the $$ which is what I got out of the no ambition part), but this is not a fun time in a marriage if you’re living groundhog day. Try to plan some weekend outings as a family, get out of the routine, try to connect and work on it. Babies don’t stay babies forever either and your child will eventually not need you both as much as they do now. Life is a really long time. Marriage is commitment for LIFE so it is not all dandy all the time, there is going to be good and bad and the effort in a marriage won’t always be 50/50. Sometimes you need to bring each other up, not by nitpicking what you want to change either. Genuinely try to better each other and find the best way to communicate, maybe try talking to a therapist or mediator if need be. But I wouldn’t throw in the towel.