How do you ladies with grown children (my daughter just turned 18) “LET GO” and let them live their life even if they aren’t making significant decisions and do stupid sh*t constantly!!? My daughter has been giving me crap since about 11/12… Life has been so hard and complicated, and I just don’t know how much more I can take… I have four other younger kids and always feel neglectful and too stressed to do for them sometimes. I love my daughter, but I seriously don’t know how much more I can actually handle…
I still struggle with letting my 20 year old go and make stupid decisions and it causes so many arguments. I now have an 18 year old as well and it too is challenging but different. I hope we can figure this out. Definitely more stressed now then when they were younger!
Let them suffer the consequences of their own actions and decisions- don’t pick em up when they fall and don’t bail em out. Life lessons
Sometimes not helping is helping them … they have to be allowed to make mistakes so they can learn from . You have to just trust that you have taught them well . The more you push and try to control them especially at that age the more they will do the opposite and push you away. If she lives with you than there is basic rules of the home . If she cannot follow that than she knows where the door is . All you can do is let go and be there when she asks for your support
The more you fight them on the little things, they will do what they want to just to assert the fact they are adults…
As someone said here, you have to let them make mistakes to learn from them…
If she’s 18 just let her make her own choices. Advise her about what the consequences might be, and tell her you’re there for her and love her but you aren’t going to bail her out of anything. Don’t give her money, and if she’s living under your roof then you need to set rules and boundaries. Sit her down and tell her if she doesn’t abide by it then she needs to leave because you have 4 other kids to take care of and she’s an “adult”.
When she makes a stupid decision, just don’t talk to her about it. Take a deep breath and remember that she’s 18 and eventually she’ll realize the stupid mistakes but for now there’s nothing you can do. You have to learn to let go of the control and really only you can learn to do that. You can’t control her decisions, even when she was under 18. You can only control how you react and what boundaries you set to help you.
I had to practice some tough love with my oldest and now he isnt speaking to me. My middle kiddo is 18 and constantly has a smart mouth and bad attitude. Im right there with you. Watching these babies stumble into adulthood is hard stuff.
It’s hard. Both my kids just graduated high school this past year. My sons 20 my daughters 18. They both moved out n left me here alone. It sucks. Best of luck… my daughters had the terrible 2’s and they never went away. She’s young and yea they don’t always think.
Mine moved out and thats that. You cry for a month, then you get used to it
The more you fight with ber she’s going to rebel. She’s 18 and even if she hasn’t moved out yet start letting her just make her own choices. She needs to be prepared for the real world where she is responsible for her actions that mommy and whoever can’t always be there to get her out of trouble. Mistakes will happen, but she needs to learn her own lessons.
For me…when I was 18 I wanted freedom. I wanted to do whatever. Bad or good. My parents let me do whatever but knew eventually I would come home.one rule im bailing you once and once only. About running the streets for 3- 6 months i was cured. I got a job…eventually got pregnant…got my own place(did the whole government thing) and now I have two children and loving life. Im so happy my parents were always in the background instead of enforcing me like I was still 14.
Let go you have done your job.let her grow up.
Like what other people have said you can be thee as much as you want but some people will not listen or have insight to see beyond their own immaturity ( what they WANT) and natural consequences seem to teach the best lessons. If she’s ready to be that adult ask her about jobs, living expenses and try to get her to think beyond parties fun and friends. Also don’t bail kids out. That one needs to be taught too. That should be a strong reality check. Good luck.
Then let her be an adult… hard not to stress about your kids but she is grown and fine
Sometimes all you can do is let them learn the hard way. Of course try to lead them in the right direction but they think they know it all from 14 and up. I’ve got a 26, 23, 20, 15 and 6 month old
I was almost 20 and away from home for 4/5 yrs at that time, but that’s about when I realized how valuable my dad was too me (mom wasnt around) and how unreasonable I had been with him
It couldn’t have been easy to let me make my mistakes and find my way so I have no advice for that but after enough time I was able to see all he wanted was the best for me and after enough time everyone finds their way ‘home’
I disagree you always be there for your children but once they turn 18 you let them make their own mistakes. You give them good advice but at the end of the day it has to be their decision.
They only learn by making mistakes. At some point they need to figure shit out for themselves. My 19 yr thought they knew it all and off they went… a yr later back at home.
Tough love…let them go and do what they will do.
I get your pain… my daughter has been a challenge since she was 8. Completely out of control. She was running with the gangs at 13. She proved she was going to do exactly what she wanted to do and I couldn’t do anything about it unless I quit working and attended school with her and sit on her at home. She’s 44 now and worse than she ever was… she doesn’t know a mother’s sorrow.
I’m right there with you, my 20yr old son drives me crazy. He’s a hard worker, but he thinks he knows everything. Drives me nuts! Doesn’t take my advice then things get screwed up. She will be ok, my son will too. Just hang in there.
Still needs to respect you. I was taught from a very young age that when “ you live under my roof, you go by my rules “ and that’s how it was. You can only be there and guide them. Be there for them when they need you. You need to put your foot down with the ground rules if living under your roof.
When they are young you are the manager things are discussed but the final say is with you when they are 18 your like a consultant things are discussed but the final say is with them you only have control.over your house rules but not the adult child you have they need to know this so that when they can still chat with you you are totally still their for them just in a different way
If she is still living with you sit boundaries. Make sure they are worth the fight and loses on your part. Like calling if not coming home . Finishing school. Getting a job . Paying rent if not in school holding a passing grade
My daughter is 14 and decided to live with her boyfriend in the next state. After fighting with her for 2 years on it, (she kept running away to him but at the time we didn’t know where he lived) I finally just let go. I have 2 other children that have been neglected the past 2 years dealing with her. Its hard. It’s very hard but I had to do what was best and let her go.
My kids are 30&31 this year and the best advice is to be there when they fall
She 18 let her go make her mistakes and learn from them but if she still living in ur house she at least do curfew because of younger kids and she doesn’t bring drama back
Do your self and heart a favor and let her figure out on her own, she’s now an adult. Just let her know you are there for her if she NEEDS you.
As a 2 year old you tell ypur kids “don’t do that you will get hurt” they don’t listen you turn to your partner and say" I guess she’ll learn"
That’s how you do it, let her know it might hurt, and let her know you will be there if she does get hurt.
I was that daughter probably worse than yours my parents kicked me out if I didnt want to follow the rules of the house. I have a younger brother and they didnt want me to influence him to make bad decisions. You really need to think about the other kids now. Your daughter needs to figure it out for herself it seems.
My mom had to give though love to my younger brother… unfortunately he took things to extremes and ended up in a lifestyle that ended with him being murdered(shot twice in the chest on a public street corner) at the young age of 23… she second guesses her decisions every single day since… but when he was alive the more she pushed (or any of us who loved) him and tried to get him to do right the further down the rabbit hole he went… I dont know how or why but I guess he just wasnt ready or couldnt or didnt want to yet… I honestly do not know… but unfortunately no matter what we did and no matter what opportunities were presented to him, he chose his own path… it ended in a way none of us couldve imagined… I lost my best friend and little brother, my mom lost her only son… she wishes now she would’ve co-signed his bs… but as ceappy as it sounds, we’ve both acknowledged that would have done absolutely nothing but further the life he chose to live, which ultimately led to his untimely passing… sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself as a parent and them as a person, not your child but another person, is let go, it is hard and you wont know how to do it and god do I wish I could tell you how… it isnt easy and it sucks and it hurts and god do you want to change your mind almost every single second… but it really sometimes comes down to that and that alone. They are thier own person, especially once they reach legal age… and you can either enable them or tough love it… it is ultimately up to them what happens from there on out… it is hard, it hurts, it sucks, for all involved and they will claim you hate them, you’re leaving them alone, all kinds of stuff but as long as they have the option to do well as long as they do right and follow the “rules”, its ultimately thier decision, it is up to them to make it… and it is no ones choice or fault but thier own. I hope this made some sense…
You do nothing. Hard as that is, you raise them as best you can. You can offer advice on a topic: once. Give your opinion and then shut up on it. Nagging will not change her opinion or her actions. So you have to put it out there and be willing to let her fall or succeed on her own. The more you nag, the harder she will dig her heels in and do it anyway. Be smarter, it is harder.
Give them advice or your opinion to help guide them,but they have to make decisions for themselves. Thats what will help them grow because even if they make a mistake they will learn from that. Be there and listen to them but dont hold it against them or over their head if they didn’t take your advise.
Show tough love and let her learn from her mistakes. When my daughter was 17 she moved out and in with her dad and grandparents. She learned in hurry she had it made with me. But I had show her she wasn’t coming back when she didn’t like living there. Now we have good relationship and she dont hardly talk to her dad
It’s called tough love. There are some things that folks just have to learn on their own.
Let go let her do what she wants
Let her. If she wants to act grown, then so be it. Don’t pay her bills, dont give her money, make her get a job.
She’ll realize life really isn’t all its cracked up to be and sometimes it can be hell to be an adult who hasn’t made the best decisions.
You did your part already, and now it’s time for her to do hers. Focus on the others. She’ll learn or spiral. Her call from here on out.
Let it go. I promise she will be back as she matures
Mom always told me those that can’t hear must feel so we learned the hard way
Prepare them as best you can for what’s ahead. Teach them to put money back for bills. Teach them how to manage the household. So when they do leave. They’ll be some what prepared. I learned in school. They don’t do that anymore.
As hard as it is there are certain things we have to learn on our own. She needs to make her mistakes in order to learn from them and (hopefully) grow. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you. Let her come to you when she’s ready for advice or help. Be there for her and guide her as things happen. Don’t throw it in her face “I told you so” or anything like that because she won’t want to come to you when she truly needs help. And by help I don’t mean fully financially support her, help where and when you can when she asks but make it clear she needs to be responsible for any debt she owes you.
I raised my kids with good values and a solid foundation. Once they became adults they were free to live as they saw fit. If they asked for guidance, I gave my opinion. Whether they followed it or not, it was up to them. Thankfully they have grown up to be great adults.
Mom she’s an adult now . Step back and let her live her own life. Remember you did. We have to do for them what we wish had been done for us if they make mistakes Its theirs.
Unfortunately it’s time to sink or swim if she can’t obey and respect you in your home its time to go you don’t want her behavior influencing all the other kids like a domino effect…she may see how easy she really had it amd turn around
If you did good job raising her don’t worry we were all young and dumb at least once let her be good luck
Throw her out and tell her good luck and that you love her.
Treat her like a roommate if you need to. Roommates respect the rules of the house or they go live elsewhere. Roommates pay rent up front and on time or they go live elsewhere. Stuff like that. Love her as you do your dumbest friend, and guide her when she needs guidance. Just understand that you can’t force her to make good choices all the time. Then cross your fingers and hope she doesn’t fuck up her whole life on one bad decision. …I mean, you’re welcome to regularly remind her of all the choices people make that fuck up their life, like having unprotected sex, drunk driving, partying too hard – especially with strangers, jumping from the roof to the pool, experimenting with meth… or whatever kids do these days.
By realizing they have the right to shut me out if I don’t stfu. All it takes for me. And I lived with my married daughter for a year. Gd that was hard to zip it.
your job as a parent is to make them independent if you died tomorrow
Let her go she needs to learn from her own mistakes !
You cant help those that wont help themselves
Sink or swim tell her she has 30 days to find a job if she doesn’t have one and 60 to find her own place. If she already has a job 30 days to find her own place, some lessons are better learned the hard way