I caught my husband viewing provocative videos of other women. This is the second time. The first time, I told him I was uncomfortable with it and considered it as a form of cheating. He hasn’t done it again until today. (Or I haven’t caught him doing it again until today) He has been overly sexual and my desire for sex isn’t as strong as it used to be. I’m thinking because everything he ever talks about is sex or turns into sex…
We have been having issues with boundaries. We’ve been talking through it, but it seems to go around in circles. I feel disconnected. What would your response be to this situation?
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do you react or respond to catching your spouse watching a person of the opposite sex in a sexual way?
I’d join him and watch porn with him 
So you don’t want to have sex as often as him, but you don’t want him watching porn? Seems unfair. If the mood strikes, let that man watch his videos! It’s definitely not cheating.
I don’t have any advice unfortunately. I don’t really care if my so watches porn, especially if I am just not in the mood. He has his needs and I have mine. Everyone’s relationship are different though. If you’ve told him how you feel and he isn’t listening, he doesn’t care much for your feelings when it comes to that.
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I use to hate it as well, but now my spouse compliments me all the time and tells me really sweet things and it’s actually helped a lot. I think for me it was more my insecurities that affected how I was feeling and now that he doesn’t shy away from calling me cute stuff I feel a little more at ease and although it’s still not my favourite thing in the world that he does, I know he thinks I’m the bees knees regardless and that is nice 
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I think it is normal for people to watch sexual content. I think the expectation that your partner wont ever be aroused by another body is unrealistic. Although, if it was something you had previously agreed to I understand you feel upset.
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I think you should just stop whining about it. He’s gonna do what he wants and if you not happy with the things he does then leave him… pretty simple
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Sex should not feel like a chore & lack of it should not be an excuse for him to look at videos of other woman. He should be patient and understand that your not a f**kdoll. You both are human, you both are equal partners. You both have needs, clearly he over did it with sex(which sounds to me like you went out of your way a lot to give him what he wants and your burned out), now he should back off and give you what you need, which is a break from sex.
If he can’t handle that he needs to remind himself that You go out of Your way even though you’re not into it anymore.Usually watching porn will help keep a man at bay, but it’s different for each couple.
Some men get into the unrealistic part of porn and end up having high expectations and seek that somewhere else, and some men actually just watch it and use their imagination as if he is doing the sex scenes with his partner.
For me this boundary was based on my insecurities, once I allowed myself to trust that his feelings and attraction towards me had no relation to things like p0rn, It wasn’t an issue. IMO it’s healthy to have boundries in a relationship but also realistic boundaries. Humans like to look. I personally follow pretty women because I appreciate beauty. I think it’s toxic and controlling to limit and control what someone else looks at. If your partner reassures you and makes you feel beautiful everyday, then they do deserve some privacy and trust. Men and women like to look at beautiful women. I think it’s an issue when they take action and personally reach out to the women or act on it. Casually looking once in a isn’t unhealthy. The unhealthy part it how we react and view it. We compare ourselves and create insecurities in our head that don’t need to be there.
U sound like a prude. Hes never stopped. All men watch a form of porn. Maybe loosen up and watch with him
Wait so are you talking about porn?? They’re not in person, they are supermodels and men watch porn that’s what they do. Shoot my husband says he watches porn to get new tips to use on me 
as long as he’s not watching it and then it affects him touching me, that’s not ok.
Especially because you said your sexual desire isn’t what it used to be and obviously his sexual drive has increased so what do you expect him to do??
Sometimes I feel like I need a release and my husband’s at work… So I do the same thing. It’s definitely not cheating!
If you consider it cheating and he still does it, it’s a break of trust.
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I think its pretty common,. not to say your feelings arent valid. I wasnt sure about it when i was younger either. In hindsight it was insecurity about myself and i have no issue with it now. If its something you cant ever accept i say dont waste more time with him as it will prob always be there. You can be selfish(set boundaries)with things too.
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You have the right to set these boundaries. Not liking your partner getting off to other women does not make you insecure. It makes you human. You are valuable and worthy of respect. No women on a computer screen should be worth more than you. Explain how it makes you feel and if he loves you and respects you he will stop. If he doesn’t stop expect it to be apart of your relationship forever and decide if you can live with that.
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It’s a VIDEO!!! HES NOT OUT CHEATING! Watching videos here and there is one thing and if that’s all he’s doing thes so what… Now if it has become an everyday thing where it is like an addiction that he may need help. If it’s NOT an every day thing then you need to seriously lighten up. There are far worse things he could be doing than watching a video, he COULD be out there actually cheating and he’s not. Let the man breathe
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maybe you should figure out why your sex drive isn’t what it was. Obviously his is. You may be more of the problem than you think.
I don’t believe there is a man out there who doesn’t do this it’s normal
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If you’re not putting out you can’t blame him for doing it himself. You can’t have it both ways 
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All men do it. If they say they don’t, they’re lying. if your relationship is being affected by it, then it could be a problem. If he says no to intimacy with you all the time, then he watches it daily, I’d be upset too.
Your feelings are still valid, but I’d let it go since you’re the one not wanting to have sex.
Honestly, he’s not respecting you. Yes, it is a common thing. I watch porn, so does my fiance. But if you’ve already told him multiple times your uncomfortable with it and he agreed to stop, he’s just not respecting you by doing so again. Now it’s your decision to either stay and deal with it or move on.
Is this a real person from your everyday life or someone he is chatting with or is it porn (strangers online or in videos or whatever)? If it’s porn this is 100% totally normal and if it makes you insecure then that is also a problem… I’d suggest talking separately and then as a couple to a therapist.
my husband does it daily. doesn’t bother me. he has a very high sex drive I do not. he wants it 2 three times I a day I do not. so he satisfies himself. have it dude. as long as you aren’t going elsewhere more power to ya!
Is it porn or actual women. If porn it’s a you problem if other women fuck him
Oh he’s definitely done it again. You just havnt caught him. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks. If you arnt comfortable with it then he should respect that.
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A marriage is about compromise. Have you sat down and talked about it while hearing his side. Maybe come to a compromise like he does it when you arent home or he goes to you first and if you arent in the mood (which is totally okay and in way should you feel pressured to have sex if you dont want to) then he can do it himself. And it is going to be so important for you too figure out why it bothers you so much and vocalize that. Maybe ask him to compliment you more or something if Thats what you need.
I don’t think watching something constitutes as cheating but that’s my opinion. It sounds like you set the boundaries in the relationship and expect him to follow it doesn’t sound like the boundaries are mutual.
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I watch it 
grant it I’ve never gotten caught .
Our minds are curious to so much so when we can watch something that entertains us like movies we watch it 
it just so happens to help us get off cause some of us have urges we can’t help. ( I’m the one with the high sex drive , 10 years difference )
It depends, is it Everytime you turn around he’s viewing this? Does he stay awake at night watching instead of coming to bed? Does he know these women? (Deal breaker, if it’s someone he knows, neighbor, etc). Does he interact with them? Has he started guarding his phone?
Signs of a sexual addiction, if he replaced you with videos.
If he randomly watches now and then, watch with him!
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It may simply be that his libido’s higher than yours. He can’t switch it off just because you’re not fancying some. If watching a bit of porn and having a w**k is keeping him happy, why is this an issue? Would you rather he did actually find another woman?
I wouldn’t class it as cheating, some people are stimulated visually…I don’t have any issues if my partner were to watch “videos” . Does it mean he doesn’t find me attractive? No…Does it make me feel uncomfortable or insecure , no because at the end of the video they’re gone…turn your device off and that’s it 
but each to their own
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Maybe watch one with him, it might help with your low sex drive and stop being something you worry about.
If your not giving it to him yet you don’t want him to fantasizes n take care of it 2. Sorry sis can’t have your cake and eat it 2.
People have needs and a video defiantly is not cheating. So you need to get a grip with reality or walk
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Just sleep with him otherwise it’s going to create bigger issues, have a relationship with ur partner so he feels loved and wants u without having to try n convince u into it, than if ur doing this and he still does what u say, than have an issue with it
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Can someone tell me why a man or so called man is doing on a mamas group?? But really he doesn’t sound to much like a man he sounds more like an Asshole the way he talks to his wife.
Watch it with him? I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with watching it. I watch with out my SO.
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The way you phased the question makes me want to ask a question… so you would be ok if he was watching men in a sexual way?
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What about you disconnect? If you can’t satisfy him let him get a release someplace else or somehow different. Why is it the man’s fault when your tired or don’t need it?
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I don’t get why people have a problem with porn ?? Both men and woman watch porn ! And it isn’t cheating
Get a divorce and marry a bitch. Because obviously that’s what you need.
I can’t handle it tbh. I dated a sex addict once and I would wake up to him watching porn jerking it. This would be a big no for me. I’m not comfortable with it and it’s a complete turn off to me. If you are communicating this boundary and he’s not respecting it then you have to decide how much you’re going to allow. It’s a very personal thing. Some people don’t mind, some will join. Not me
Get over it. It’s normal
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So you’re not giving him any & now you’re upset because he is pleasing himself? That man deserves a new wife. Grow up. Watch it with him & maybe that will help you
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Watch with him. Might open the doors to a new desire.
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You won’t satisfy his needs so he’s trying to do it himself. You can’t have it both ways. If you won’t give him what he wants/needs then how’s it fair on him that you set up boundaries on porn? Either you do it or let him have other ways to do it himself. Videos aren’t cheating but if you keep denying him then don’t be surprised when he actually cheats.
If u really wanna know what he’s been up 2 on his phone go thru his Google history. He can delete what sites he’s been on but can not delete the Google history which will show every site he’s been on. I did this n filed 4 divorce.
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Just watch with him. I’m sure he would rather you get into it then be upset. Have fun and be open minded
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It is absolutely insane to me the mindset women have. When women say well it could be worse he could be out cheating you literally expect the bare minimum. No one is the same and if you have talked to him and he can’t respect your boundaries that is on him. I feel like if you are trying then you are doing your best. Maybe try counseling, it may help you both express more that needs to be expressed. Don’t settle, you are worth what you are asking for.
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WOW just WOW!!! All you people saying just sleep with him, get over it, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, lighten up, it’s normal, watch with him … I call B.S.!!! When do her feelings count? Is she supposed put up and shut up? Marriage is a partnership and both opinions should be respected. Communication, boundaries, trust and compromise are things that should be in place. If you can’t have a conversation with your partner and set boundaries and trust that they will stay within them, then you might have to weigh your options and see what you want to put up with. I think eventually he will get bored with the videos and want the real thing and go look for it outside of the relationship. Good luck to you!
If you set boundaries and asked him to respect those boundaries, he should. If it makes you uncomfortable and it’s not something you want happening in your relationship, then you have every right to set the boundary and be upset if it’s broken.
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I make jokes when I see him checking out other women. It used to bother me but we’ve been together so long it’s whatever
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Boundaries should always be respected no matter how ridiculous other people think they are. He clearly isn’t respecting them thats a problem. However it is also a problem you are trapping him in a corner which will lead to worse behavior from both of you. Why don’t you take pictures and videos for/with him of yourself so he has his own personal collection to look at? It sounds like you have confidence & trust issues to work through on your end while he needs to learn to find another outlet as well as respecting boundaries.
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You mad cause he watching porn and you not giving him none? I get you tired or don’t have a high sex drive but at least the man not sleeping with another woman
Get some horny goat weed supplements.
I mean…are u really wanting the truth or just looking for answers here to confirm your own opinion of how this should go? Bc let me tell you if someone didn’t have the same sex drive as me, wouldn’t give me sex, and then also expected me to not have some sort of sexual release there’s gonna be problems. It ain’t just men who will seek it out elsewhere if they don’t get what they need. U can’t be like “no you can’t have me” all the time and then tell him he can’t even get himself off at the same time. That’s manipulation and it’s mean. That’s very controlling of you due to your insecurities. It’s not right or fair. What if he told you his boundary is that you can’t control him that way?
Don’t know why people find this funny 
Although men are visual beings, porn can become ADDICTIVE and lead to UNREALISTIC expectatiouns in the bedroom. I suggest counseling so he recognizes that porn is unrealistic fantasy and that it’s OK for you to have boundaries that he should respect. Sex is supposed to be a MUTUAL loving exchange not just physical gymnastics he saw in a porn video.
Baby y’all be on here crying about the wrong stuff 
you’re not wanting to give it to him so what should he do? And miss me with the he just got this way crap 
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So you are not having sex with him and you don’t want him to masturbate… what’s the guy supposed to do?
I would say your feelings are valid. It doesn’t matter what other people think. We all have our different feelings of what is right and wrong. My now ex thought it was ok to watch porn over 5 years even though before we got together he said he didn’t and wouldnt He has been doing it anyways, lying, hiding it etc, then I have text messages to other women, then calling one babe among other things. So to me its a disrespect. If he respected you he would listen to how you feel and respect them and if he loved you he would as well. Sounds like he is lying to you and watching it more than what he says. Porn addiction is real abd it breaks up a lot of relationships. But I would do what you think is best. Everyone willl hv different opinions.
Welp. Good thing you can’t see my husband and I’s browser history
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When will people understand that boundaries can only be set for yourself? You don’t get to set boundaries for other people. You don’t want him watching sexual videos, remove YOURSELF from the situation. That’s the only boundary you get to set is for yourself. Stop trying to control others. Oh and this is what happens when you hold out on your man. He will find it somewhere else.
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You should want to please ya hubby and he should u, if u both feel like u cnt or won’t or just bored then reconnect or dissappear.
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All relationships have boundaries, including ones that see porn, as a form of cheating.
How I see it, is your relationship really worth worrying about your bfs porn habits?
His a man, so what if he masterbates to porn, better that, then actively cheating on you.
Maybe disconnect from each other, an find different partners, cause this ain’t working chef.
What’s really sad is that people are laugh reacting to this sort of thing. I’ve struggled with this same issue and still do. I’m very against this kind of thing when being in a relationship. I don’t think that it’s okay. I don’t think these kinds of videos are okay even when not in a relationship but everyone is different. People who have an addiction to watching these sort of videos have commitment issues. It’s literally so bad for us and people don’t realize that
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Oh good lord… watching porn isn’t cheating. Grow up. It’s a healthier way to let loose than seeking sexual partners. The only time it becomes issue when it’s an addiction. Try watching some yourself. Unfortunately there’s not much that’s catered to women that is any good though. I guess that’s why we have smut romance novels like Five Shades of Grey. Expand your horizons. Try Anne Rice’s version of Sleeping Beauty. That was my introduction to literary porn. It was back when Interview With A Vampire was popular so my book worm ass wanted to read more of her work. My mom bought me the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice not realizing it’s basically porn. I was a teen so I knew about sex but was embarrassed to tell my mom for obvious reasons. But you know what? It didn’t kill me to read it! I suggest it for some of the prudes that dislike their husband watching porn. Take your sexual appetite by the horns and have your own vice.
Sooooo… you admit that your desire for sex has diminished and that your husband is a sexual person… You kinda answer your question hun.
Divorce…it gets worse and he has already lost interest. Believe me my marriage is terrible. I thought I would be ok. I am telling you. Get out now before it destroys you. Before you lose yourself. It’s not worth it.
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He doesn’t respect your boundaries. If you let this slide he’ll probably do more to test you. You have to be firm with these males no matter how trivial the issue is because they love to push women’s boundaries
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My husband watches it sometimes I watch it with him. I’ve even watched by myself. A couple years ago it bothered me, but we figured out the issues and it’s a lot better now.
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Have you talked to your doctor about your own sex drive? You say that yours isn’t as strong as it used to be, but everything he talks about is either sex or turns to sex. You could be the one with an actual problem. Entirely too many women ignore the signs of sexual dysfunction in themselves until it’s too late. It could be peri-menopause, which can hit very early but is also treatable.
There is no respect…without respect there is no love
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Most of these comments are honestly gross.
Not with porn, but my SO and I have also had issues with boundaries. I know I’m not as sexual lately either- I’m hella pregnant.
We’ve started couples counseling. It’s been SUCH a healing experience and honestly I think every couple should go, relationship issues or not.
See if he’s open to going, at least to have a 3rd party hearing each person’s concerns.
Sending all the love and good vibes 
Counseling. You are struggling with intimacy in your marriage and he is seeking unhealthy habits to replace that intimacy. While porn is not inherently bad and can be part of a healthy relationship, if it is hurtful to one partner it is a valid boundary to set. Either he will agree to respect that boundary and seek healthy ways to increase intimacy with you or he isn’t a good match. Neither of you are wrong for your feelings but his violation of trust by breaking an agreed upon boundary is not okay and you do not have to accept it.
I chill on this one!! My Momma told me, “It doesn’t matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he eats at home.”
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He thinks he’s a big dude and “free wheelin” when off leash!!!
Feast of the Magi…the Epiphany this morning…later. LUA!!!
So… as in people on social media? YouTube, porn? Y’all need to seek counseling and you need to talk to your doctor about how low your sex drive is. As women age, a lower libido is normal, but this is why we have doctors - to discuss it with them and to see what options there are for you to increase your desire. Sexual desire is normal and it sounds like your sexual relationship with your spouse is pretty nonexistent, leaving his desires unmet so he’s watching porn and masterbating. He’s not physically going out and cheating with other women, from the sounds of it. This is normal behavior. Now… if he’s constantly watching it, at work, every hour of the day, while other people are around, etc. then it’s an addiction and he should seek help. But other than that, sounds like a typical male, watching porn, pleasuring himself….
He’s not going to stop because you say so he has eyes and if he’s tired of seeing the same you and you keep nagging him girl let me tell you it’s just the start. He’s gonna start hiding to see those nasty pics and videos and there is nothing you can do about it. If your not happy with each other then just kick him to the curve
It depends. Is it porn or is it someone he knows? If it’s someone he knows, sounds like you have a whole other set of issues. If it’s porn, I wouldn’t worry to much about it. Especially if he has a high sex drive and you have a low sex drive. If I had no desire to have sex and my husband did, I’d rather catch him watching porn and touching himself than catch him in bed with someone else.
That aside though, do you love your husband? Do you want to rekindle your marriage? If the answer is no, again, you have a much bigger issue and should maybe be considering divorce. If the answer is yes, then you two need to find a way to reconnect and put the spark back in your marriage. I understand that it dies out over time, but you can’t neglect the physical part of your relationship and expect everything to be okay.
This would be a different situation if you wanted sex, he turned you down but was constantly watching porn.
It sounds like your husband is super unfulfilled. Men have needs too & sex is a huge part of life for a lot of people. If you don’t want him exploring his fantasies alone on the internet (which is definitely not cheating) then you should be stepping up your game. Of course, if you’re not willing that it is 100% okay but in that case you should accept that you aren’t as well matched as you thought you were. Opposites do not attract when it comes to the bedroom & he deserves to be satisfied just as much as you deserve to be left alone.
Without respect their is no love
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Depends on who he was watching…if its a friend, an ex, or someone you know I’d say its an issue BUT if its porn who cares…spice things up & watch it with him 
Some of you are ridiculous. I guess if you don’t like it run away but I would, and do, just watch with him. You might like it
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I think because you don’t give him what he needs he will find a way to express his sexuality without cheating. Obviously your sex drives are not on the same level. He has needs and you admit you aren’t meeting them. It’s not his fault you won’t have sex with him. You need help to find your mojo so you can have a healthy marriage again.
You are no longer sexual.and you think he shouldn’t be because you aren’t… I bet you deprive him … be glad you didn’t bust him looking at the same sex… geez
Let the man watch porn…
Men are visual creatures it is in there nature I have only met one man in my life that really was not into porn.
If you guys don’t have a strong sex life, and you’re not even having sex, what do you expect him to do? Really, not liking porn comes down to an insecurity problem. He just has a high sex drive. Would it be “cheating” if roles were reversed?
Dudes have also been watching porn since the dawn of ages. And quite honestly, he was probably doing it before you guys got together…
You start acting provocative for him and seduce him more often…
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It sounds like you need marriage counseling. You need to be able to communicate your feelings and he needs to be able to communicate his. What I am getting from this and I could be wrong is; you can’t or don’t want to keep up with him sexually and he is not allowed to have a different release outlet? Is this a neighbor or someone he knows? Is this an addiction? Or is this his way of respecting your boundaries but still giving him a release once in awhile? So many questions but ultimately marriage counseling is the best place for that. You should not have to feel like he is cheating and he should not have to fill he can’t make you happy. Again marriage counseling.
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He’s a grown ass man who doesn’t have to cave to each and every one of your insecure demands. What he does to get himself off is frankly none of your business, it’s so creepy how so many women think they can control their partners sexually. 
Do you mean porn?? I mean if its not people ya’ll know he’s checking out not a big deal or just video’s on the internet
Here’s the thing with this as it comes up in here A LOT. You’re gonna get two responses. First is from the women who don’t find an issue with it and think it’s just “normal”. As a lot of women do this too. Then… then. You’re gonna get the women with pitchforks telling you to burn the whole house down and start over. You have to decide yourself on what YOU WANT TO DO. Cause none of us are you. Some of us will agree with you. A lot of us won’t.
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You need to talk to Patty Marmann … a Pure Romance rep. It could be more than you think.
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The ppl bashing this lady is messed up in pregnant and absolutely cannot have sex with my husband and according to some because I can’t have sex it’s ok for him to step out and get it somewhere else when I physically absolutely cannot. We don’t know this woman’s situation and all she wants is some advice. My husband doesn’t go around watching videos of other woman or step out of our marriage just because I can’t give him some. He respects me and doesn’t step out of our marriage even tho I haven’t been able to have sex with him in 5 months. Honestly the thing to do in her situation is maybe try counseling where both can get their feeling out in the open. Just because she may not be able to give it up all the time does not give him the right to disrespect her n make her uncomfortable by doing things he knows makes her uncomfortable just my opinion. Ik it may not be popular but oh well
Honestly, watching videos is one thing and actually cheating is another. I wouldn’t be bothered by this. I would not “react or respond” But I would try to make sure my man is pleased enough where he ain’t looking nowhere else. You should definitely try that before coming to ask strangers for advice.
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If he loves you. He should be happy with you!
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Personally I don’t have an issue with it. It used to bother me a lot. I didn’t say much about it because it seemed so trivial. I was uncomfortable with it because let’s face it most women do not look like that. I felt like it set an unrealistic expectation. I’m to a point that it doesn’t bother me at all now because I realized it has zero to do with me. However, it would bother me if my husband was watching it at home. Like, I’m right here. He’s a trucker so him looking at that while he’s on the road is a different story. With all of that said, if you have made it clear it bothers you and he has ignored that, he has zero respect for you. I’m not saying he should just have to stop but he should put more effort in to making you more comfortable and explaining to you why he watches it, or what he gets from it that he doesn’t get from you or maybe he doesn’t get anything more from it. Communication is important. You’ve communicated it bothers you and from the way you said he stopped until now tells me he didn’t listen and didn’t communicate his side to you and probably just hid it better for a while. Talk through it. Don’t punish him for being overly sexual, that isn’t fair to anyone.
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It really doesn’t matter how we view it. I personally wouldn’t have an issue with it. But this is her relationship and her feelings, she’s allowed to be upset. She set boundaries and he agreed. That’s the issue.
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I literally just kicked mine to the curb for the same reason… Run… We were together 30yrs. Talk about a waste of my life
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