How much do you tell your kids?

I struggle with knowing whether I tell my 7 year old to much. I try very hard to be as appropriately honest with her for her age.

I was raised on secrets, and answers to questions that only left more questions. I HATED it.
As a result i grew up not trusting the adults in my life to be honest.
Parents, aunts, siblings grown and out of house etc.

So I try to be real with my 7 year old.

My 7 and 5 year old have different biological fathers, but the 7 year olds father is 100% responsible for both girls by choice. (She even has his last name. He was there when she was born born etc)

However, the biological “visits” 1-2 times a month for a couple hours.
We are fine with this arrangement.

Tonight I told my 5 year old that we would go pick up her gift from the bio father, my 7 year old chimed in and said that’s not fair she’ll have more presents to open.

I took her aside, and told her I understand where she’s coming from, and it’s just a tricky situation. That while Daddy is 100% their father,
Bio dad will show 5 year old that he does care ….’to an extent. And that 7 year old should be thankful that her dad is responsible and makes food choices , that 5 year old bio dad did not always make good choices, that he has been to jail before, but he makes better choices now which is why we visit. But 5 year old will never get to go stay with him and such like they do daddy.

Anyway…. I figured others may have similar situations and was curious how much you tell your kids.

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My kids are in their 30s now, but their bio dad had a drug addiction. They asked alot of questions when they were small, and I believe parents need to keep it real with their kids. I liked how you handled the situation. We need to be honest with kids, age appropriate, but secrets normally are not a good thing !

This is the 2nd time that this has come up due to Christmas. Please teach your kids everything is not and will never be equal. Sometimes someone will get more… sometimes you will get more. But we are not to be jealous and be happy for the person.
My brother in law throws a fit if equal money is not spent on each kid. As a result his kids price everything and are quick to point out if theirs cost more or less. They are miserable and don’t appreciate anything… you could give my kids a coloring book and colors and they would have been thankful and moved on. They know better then to act any way but appreciative. I tell my kids all the time. Sometimes you get something some times you don’t . But they know when it comes their time they will get the same opportunities as the older kids etc.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How much do you tell your kids?

Yep my daughter gets two Christmas :christmas_tree: over all not a issue their is always something each year that makes me sit back and wish things were simpler

You’re doing good mama. Being honest (at an age appropriate level) is the best way to go, in my humble opinion. It builds better trust and when your babies are older you’ll have a stronger bond with them because they’ll trust you more. Unfortunately, life isn’t always going to be fair. I love that you validated your oldest child’s feeling about not getting as many presents. I think you handled the situation perfectly. Keep loving those babies, you’re doing a good job mama.

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I did time and told my kids about it. Im not proud of it but i learned something too. Ive been mostly honest with my sons, obviously very adult scenarios is a no. They are 17,18 now they are wonderful, honest boys. I was raised like you. I would rather them learn some things from me than in jail.

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My daughter and son has 2 different dads. Sons dad isn’t in his life he’s on daughters bc at the moment. However her bio dad is in her life and everything so I definitely understand I have stuff at my home and he has stuff at his. My daughter gets two Christmas’s but my son has a bday 4 days after Christmas so it all evens out

You’re doing amazing! Keep it going, at their age level. You’re doing fantastic, this is amazing. You’re building a trusting relationship with your kids, and that’s great, it will make your bond stronger. Life isn’t fair, never will be fair. Keep showing your kids their feelings matter, and they should always stick up for themselves, and for what they believe in.

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Just explained she has two daddies

I would just continue to be as age appropriate honest as possible. Kids get it allot more than adults think I would just watch for resentment as the little one doesn’t have to share her bio dad and the older does.

Maybe if you’re able while the 5 year old gets a gift from the dad just get something small or save a extra gift for the 7 year old since she said it isn’t fair… jus something so she doesn’t feel left out. But I had a stepdad at 7 and didn’t really understand it at all until I was older then i was thankful that I had someone who cared about me more then the bio dad did and realized everything my mom did was in my best interest.

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My daughter’s have different dad’s as well. My oldest’s donor hasn’t had contact with her in almost 7 years (she’s 16)- he’s not a good person at all & put her through more shit than anyone should ever have to endure (got away with SA for 7 years) & was pissed when the courts finally put him back on supervised visits, and is a master manipulator… However I’ve been with my youngest’s dad for 10 years. I’ve always been honest with them… To an extent. Well, except my youngest- I looked at her class roster- & noticed that my oldest’s 1/2 brother is in her sister’s class. My youngest has no clue about it, other than he’s just a boy in her class… We plan to keep it that way unless something arises. If anything arises we’ll address it then, because I don’t feel it’s right to take shit out on two totally innocent kids, even though my ol man thinks I should have a conversation with their teacher and let her know about the past, etc…

In my opinion, it’s better to be honest no matter how old they are.

Yup just the truth. Sometimes when they’re young it sounds unfair. Like why does she get 2 birthday and Christmas and I get 1. But just like you said I understand and hear you, but it’s this way because…

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You’re doing perfect I think what you are teaching your babies is exactly what you should do and you are doing a good job!

I tell my son need to know things but that’s it.
His medical I keep from him but when he asked I’ll have nothing to hide. He know who his real dad is but he also knows stepdad is more involved.
Some parents have different ways and being an honest parent is the best parent.

I think that’s a pretty good explanation.

I think the bigger thing is to explain that it’s not always about the amount of gifts they get. Keep it kid appropriate otherwise

I like your explanation

I’m the same with my 9 almost 10 year old, his bio dad was recently arrested for sexual assault on a child, I told my son his father did something wrong and was arrested for it and for his safety right now he’s not to be around his bio dad and if any of his bio dads family members take him around his bio dad he needs to call me and let me know immediately, of course he’s curious and asks a million questions but I just kept it age appropriate and told him I don’t have all the facts right now but for his safety he can not be around him. I always keep it honest with him and keep it age appropriate and if certain situations come up that I can only tell him part of, I will tell him that I didn’t tell him the whole story that I had to keep certain information out because he’s not old enough to understand or to deal with it and he typically takes that as a reasonable response and drops the subject.

A lot of people think I’m way too open and honest with our kids. To each their own. I would get 7 YO something when 5 YO gets something. Just because I know they don’t think it’s fair. Life isn’t always fair, but as parents we try to make it so for our little ones. When our son did see his bio mom we would do something special or get something for our younger one to “even” things out. She didn’t understand why she could not go with her brother. It’s been almost 3 yrs since we have had that issue though. Bio mom dipped out.

You are doing good momma… try getting a special lil gift for 7yr old to have to open as 5 yr old gets her special one from Bio Dad. It eased a bit of heartache in our house to do This for my daughter. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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you’re doing amazing. they may not feel better about it but you did great. kids are naturally selfish

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My daughter and oldest niece are close in age and were the only cousins/children. So for their birthdays we’d buy the birthday girl’s gifts and one for the cousin. Life will teach them things aren’t always fair, we don’t need to.

He should give to both

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I think you’re doing a great job and I agree to be completely open with them. I try to do the same with mine as well. They need to know the truths of the world

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I think you explained it very well. It’s tricky walking that line between honesty and age appropriateness. My son’s bio dad is back in his life for the first time in almost 6 years because of addiction. So I explained to him that his mind is sick. That he’s made bad choices that messed with his mind and there are certain things he has to do to keep well, like his meetings and therapy because the brain gets sick just like the body does. His grandparents felt like I have him too much information but I felt it was good for him to understand young.

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The truth is just fine. Age appropriate of course. Seems like you got a handle on it momma.

Stop defending dead beats for one. If he cared. He’d being both kids. Gifts. Truth can harm as much as it helps.

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Just go get something inexpensive for the older one to open I had step grandkids and always made sure they got the same amount of gifts to open

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I’m very honest with my girls who are 16 and 10. Always have been because of the same situation you went through. As long as you’re not telling them grown up problems and issues at 5 and 7, you’re fine.

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I’m a stepmom and I chose to raise my stepdaughters full time. I don’t expect their bio mother to give to my son. I explained to my son that just because they get to go to dinner once a week doesn’t mean he has but he gets things in other ways. Example is Christmas he got a couple more gifts than the girls bc they get from dad and I and then their mother. He’s now 11 but at that age it’s hard.

I’ve explained to my 9 and 7 year olds that no one HAS to get you a gift and if they do it is because they want to. I’ve also explained to them not everyone has the money to get everyone a gift. We appreciate the time we get to spend with them.
I think you did a great job mom. She will understand more as she gets older but in the meantime just explain as best you can and allow her to ask more questions if needed.

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Honesty is always the best policy. I think you’re doing an amazing job

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What does the number of gifts have to do with anything? I have 4 children ages 16,15,14 and 4 and the older kids gifts are more expensive so they don’t have the same number of gifts and the younger one but the price spent on all is about the same. Stop counting gifts and teach them to appreciate what they get…

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Age appropriate honesty

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There is no need to tell a 7 year old about whatever father went to jail and all that bs. If that wasn’t confusing for an adult to read and understand, how is a 7 or 5 year old. I would have just made arrangements for an extra present to be present at whatever father’s place. Kids need to be kids and doesn’t need to know about finances and all the above. Life is all about not being fair also. So if your going to teach a child something, teach them that! I never compliment my children on these awards for participating in an event. 1, 2, and 3rd place are hard work to achieve. Participating in an event is no reward. ( again, example).

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My kids know everything - our youngest is 4 and eldest 19. Of course we will never go into unnecessary details or stuff like that, but if they ask, I answer as truthfully as possible :heart:

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I’m completely honest with my kids I try to keep things age appropriate but I never hid anything from them. They have more of a sense of what not to be like knowing how things turn out if they choose the wrong choices in life. They have more respect and are comfortable talking to me cuz they know ill tell them the truth and not lie. I’d rather it be raw and honest then lie and have them think struggles and problems done exist

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I have 3 kids, all have different fathers. My oldest started asking questions when she was 5-6. I think hearing about daddy’s at school brought up questions. Her dad and I were together for 5 years, but he had a drug problem that I couldn’t bring my daughter up around. I always told her ‘your daddy has made some bad decisions, but that doesn’t make him a bad person and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.’ She is now 13 and he has started to contact her via Facebook. She and I talk about everything and she knows I’m ok with whatever she decides. It’s on HER terms now within reason and she knows my boundaries (meeting him, other people he associates with, etc). I have had a lot of people question my parenting because we have a very open household (all of the kids and myself). My oldest tells me everything (more than I want to know sometimes), maybe not right away but in her own time. They have no fear of communication because that’s how it’s always been. I don’t judge other parents that don’t parent like I do, but you know your daughters maturity. I always have tried to keep things as positive as possible. Don’t talk bad about the other parent, but do focus on being honest.

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I talk to my 4 year old just like I would a teenager. I tell him as much as I’d tell anyone else. If he’s confused or doesn’t understand, I then try to simplify the explanation. Kids can grasp more than most people think.

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I think you explained it well. I would take her to pick something out so she doesn’t feel resentful towards her sister.

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This makes sense to me.

I’m 100% honest with my 8 yr old. Always. He was 5 an asked about babies. I told him 2 people like each other and have sex and sometimes babies are born and from where. I’m not going to lie. He has HFA an he will find an answer. Giving half answers leads to more questions so I fully answer right away. He is satisfied and moves on. I don’t care who doesn’t like it.

Honesty is the best way to go. I think you worded it perfectly, you’re their mom and you know what’s best for your girls. You’re doing great Momma :heart:

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I love this! I honestly don’t think that there is an age to young for honesty! My mother was very controlling, lots of rules, reminded me that “this doesn’t concern you”. I couldn’t wait to move out and be on my own.

With my daughters (18 year old twins), I’ve always been honest, even when they were young, and we have a healthy, open relationship.

Honesty is best, at any age. And the fact that you were honest with her, and didn’t try to make something up or run out and buy her extra presents to “make up”, teaches her more than one life lesson. Kudos!

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I don’t really think the 7 year old needs to know about her siblings dad going to jail etc. age 7 is not appropriate. Age 12+ but def not 7. I would tell the girl that she has another “relative” and then just get her another gift. I mean these are young kids. Being honest is fine if they understand. They don’t so it shouldn’t be hard to fill in the gaps for a young child.

U did really good! U know what ur kids can and cant handle. :slight_smile:

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I am 100% honest with My boys. They are 13yo and 5.5yo. My oldest has never and probably will never have a dad as he is the product of a rape. My youngest has a barely bare minimum father. My oldest being 7.5yrs older has seen the shit my ex has done and has said he’s not a good dad and he feels bad for my youngest. Each child has someone who does something with each of them. My oldest has a BIG through BBBS who has come to be a part of our family and my youngest has my ex. My oldest goes with his BIG just them and my youngest goes with my ex just them so when either brings something home from those things it’s normal and hasnt caused any issues cause it’s been the normal for the last 6yrs so my youngest whole life. They accept that they don’t get the same outside our home but in our home they are treated just the same. I’m always honest with My boys on every level. This is their life as well so they are apart of the discussion and decision making! It works for us.

I think it’s a good relationship to be honest. To an extent…As long as you don’t make your problem their problem. But you know her maturity and filling her in on things like this leads to better understanding and open minds. Everyone is different and that’s ok.

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A child should not be subjected to adult Problems- kids tend to internalize and start to feel like they are the reason that there is a problem.

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I don’t believe in keeping things from your child, however there is such a thing as what is age appropriate. A good question to ask yourself… are they at an age to understand and be able to have a conversation about it?

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I have kids with different husbands/dads and step kids so everyone has a different grandma and I tell them that while we’re all family that everyone has a different dad /grandma they spend time with and that’s ok

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So in my situation my oldest daughter doesn’t have anything to do with her father wasn’t around when I was pregnant and isn’t around now he has never met her but she is nowin a way figuring out where her dad is as her friends have dad’s and her sister she is 5 but until she asks me herself about her dad I will 100 percent tell her and if she wants to contact him that’s all up to her I am not stopping her but I also have a protection order on him for personal reasons

I grew up the same. Was told to mind my business I wasn’t old enough I didn’t need to know anything ect rct. BUTTTT that just made me more curious and I would sneak to listen and or look stuff up. so because of that I’m honest with my kids we don’t filter things, we watch scary movies and shows. We answer questions honestly and we don’t hold back. I cuss in front of our kids. But teach them about right and wrong times for things. I have the potential of either brain damage or death with the birth of this baby and we’ve been completely honest with our kids about it.
Only thing I really lie about is santa and stuff hahah I know! But I held onto that for so long as a kid my grandma was fantastic at keeping the spirit alive and I just remember the feeling of it.
My kids are still kids they still play and live like they should and have their experiences ect ect. But we are honest about things when asked.

Honesty has the best policy. I love that you are truthful with them. They will never not trust you and trust is so important

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Growing up as the only kid around a ton of adults (both my half sisters were already adult when I was born) and it was always “go play, the adults are talking” and “well life’s not fair” I also HATED it.
Huge kudos to you for being honest with your kids.

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I agree that you have to be honest with children ,But seven is too young, I would wait a few more years.

I think knowing they aren’t biologically related is probably as far as you should go. What purpose does telling her that her siblings father is crappy serve? Is it supposed to give her a perspective on why her sibling gets an extra gift? She’s shared her father nearly her entire life. Her sibling was raised by birth from you and your husband. She has a full time father, and a part time one. Yes, she gets extra gifts. No, it’s not fair. What I would mostly do is validate your daughters feelings. “I know you get less gifts, and I know it seems like it isn’t fair.” Your daughter is seven. While overall she gets the better end of the deal, that doesn’t mean there isn’t certain things that don’t suck. It’s not fair, and letting her know that doesn’t hurt. Telling her that she should be thankful her father is responsible and makes good choices invalidates her feelings. Especially because the five year old has that, too. Through your seven year olds bio father that adopted her. When she is older, she will see naturally her siblings dad isn’t a real father, and worrying about a gift seems petty, but right now it’s a valid concern she has. Validate it.

I think you handled not great. You gave a good explanation, plus life isn’t fair. People don’t get the same thing. You did good.

I honestly believe there is an age appropriate truth for nearly everything.

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I think that it’s very good that you explained that to her. The earlier you explain these situations the more time they have to figure it out and adjust to it and cope with their feelings. I also think maybe in the future you could get her a couple of extra small gifts that you could pretend are from the younger siblings father maybe so she doesn’t feel so left out. Or while you’re bringing the younger one to visit her bio dad her dad could take her to do something special just the two of them.

I think it’s wonderful that you’re open and honest with her. I wasn’t given that as kid or wasn’t given age appropriate info. Just be sure to always keep it age appropriate and you’re doing a great job :heart:

I have had to deal with something similar (bio asked for visits when my daughter was 5 but he’s violent and we did supervised visits in a locked facility a few times before he just quit going) I think you’re doing the right thing. I consulted a therapist while we were going through this and they said age appropriate answers are great for kids which it sounds exactly like what you are doing. Daughter is 11 now and she actually thanked me the other day for being honest because it was easier for her to understand. ETA: I never spoke bad about her father to her especially when she was 5 but it was along the same lines of “your dad isn’t making great choices right now so we have to see him with a teacher who can teach him to make better choices” I think you’re doing great! Hang in there

I always bought extra things for when my stepdaughters family gave her gifts they all had something.

I try to keep open communication with my daughter, she knows I haven’t always been the best, and she knows we try every day to be a better version of who we are and never go back to any of our bad habits