I struggle with knowing whether I tell my 7 year old to much. I try very hard to be as appropriately honest with her for her age.
I was raised on secrets, and answers to questions that only left more questions. I HATED it.
As a result i grew up not trusting the adults in my life to be honest.
Parents, aunts, siblings grown and out of house etc.
So I try to be real with my 7 year old.
My 7 and 5 year old have different biological fathers, but the 7 year olds father is 100% responsible for both girls by choice. (She even has his last name. He was there when she was born born etc)
However, the biological âvisitsâ 1-2 times a month for a couple hours.
We are fine with this arrangement.
Tonight I told my 5 year old that we would go pick up her gift from the bio father, my 7 year old chimed in and said thatâs not fair sheâll have more presents to open.
I took her aside, and told her I understand where sheâs coming from, and itâs just a tricky situation. That while Daddy is 100% their father,
Bio dad will show 5 year old that he does care âŚ.âto an extent. And that 7 year old should be thankful that her dad is responsible and makes food choices , that 5 year old bio dad did not always make good choices, that he has been to jail before, but he makes better choices now which is why we visit. But 5 year old will never get to go stay with him and such like they do daddy.
AnywayâŚ. I figured others may have similar situations and was curious how much you tell your kids.
My kids are in their 30s now, but their bio dad had a drug addiction. They asked alot of questions when they were small, and I believe parents need to keep it real with their kids. I liked how you handled the situation. We need to be honest with kids, age appropriate, but secrets normally are not a good thing !
This is the 2nd time that this has come up due to Christmas. Please teach your kids everything is not and will never be equal. Sometimes someone will get more⌠sometimes you will get more. But we are not to be jealous and be happy for the person.
My brother in law throws a fit if equal money is not spent on each kid. As a result his kids price everything and are quick to point out if theirs cost more or less. They are miserable and donât appreciate anything⌠you could give my kids a coloring book and colors and they would have been thankful and moved on. They know better then to act any way but appreciative. I tell my kids all the time. Sometimes you get something some times you donât . But they know when it comes their time they will get the same opportunities as the older kids etc.
Youâre doing good mama. Being honest (at an age appropriate level) is the best way to go, in my humble opinion. It builds better trust and when your babies are older youâll have a stronger bond with them because theyâll trust you more. Unfortunately, life isnât always going to be fair. I love that you validated your oldest childâs feeling about not getting as many presents. I think you handled the situation perfectly. Keep loving those babies, youâre doing a good job mama.
I did time and told my kids about it. Im not proud of it but i learned something too. Ive been mostly honest with my sons, obviously very adult scenarios is a no. They are 17,18 now they are wonderful, honest boys. I was raised like you. I would rather them learn some things from me than in jail.
My daughter and son has 2 different dads. Sons dad isnât in his life heâs on daughters bc at the moment. However her bio dad is in her life and everything so I definitely understand I have stuff at my home and he has stuff at his. My daughter gets two Christmasâs but my son has a bday 4 days after Christmas so it all evens out
Youâre doing amazing! Keep it going, at their age level. Youâre doing fantastic, this is amazing. Youâre building a trusting relationship with your kids, and thatâs great, it will make your bond stronger. Life isnât fair, never will be fair. Keep showing your kids their feelings matter, and they should always stick up for themselves, and for what they believe in.
I would just continue to be as age appropriate honest as possible. Kids get it allot more than adults think I would just watch for resentment as the little one doesnât have to share her bio dad and the older does.
Maybe if youâre able while the 5 year old gets a gift from the dad just get something small or save a extra gift for the 7 year old since she said it isnât fair⌠jus something so she doesnât feel left out. But I had a stepdad at 7 and didnât really understand it at all until I was older then i was thankful that I had someone who cared about me more then the bio dad did and realized everything my mom did was in my best interest.
My daughterâs have different dadâs as well. My oldestâs donor hasnât had contact with her in almost 7 years (sheâs 16)- heâs not a good person at all & put her through more shit than anyone should ever have to endure (got away with SA for 7 years) & was pissed when the courts finally put him back on supervised visits, and is a master manipulator⌠However Iâve been with my youngestâs dad for 10 years. Iâve always been honest with them⌠To an extent. Well, except my youngest- I looked at her class roster- & noticed that my oldestâs 1/2 brother is in her sisterâs class. My youngest has no clue about it, other than heâs just a boy in her class⌠We plan to keep it that way unless something arises. If anything arises weâll address it then, because I donât feel itâs right to take shit out on two totally innocent kids, even though my ol man thinks I should have a conversation with their teacher and let her know about the past, etcâŚ
In my opinion, itâs better to be honest no matter how old they are.
Yup just the truth. Sometimes when theyâre young it sounds unfair. Like why does she get 2 birthday and Christmas and I get 1. But just like you said I understand and hear you, but itâs this way becauseâŚ
I tell my son need to know things but thatâs it.
His medical I keep from him but when he asked Iâll have nothing to hide. He know who his real dad is but he also knows stepdad is more involved.
Some parents have different ways and being an honest parent is the best parent.
Iâm the same with my 9 almost 10 year old, his bio dad was recently arrested for sexual assault on a child, I told my son his father did something wrong and was arrested for it and for his safety right now heâs not to be around his bio dad and if any of his bio dads family members take him around his bio dad he needs to call me and let me know immediately, of course heâs curious and asks a million questions but I just kept it age appropriate and told him I donât have all the facts right now but for his safety he can not be around him. I always keep it honest with him and keep it age appropriate and if certain situations come up that I can only tell him part of, I will tell him that I didnât tell him the whole story that I had to keep certain information out because heâs not old enough to understand or to deal with it and he typically takes that as a reasonable response and drops the subject.
A lot of people think Iâm way too open and honest with our kids. To each their own. I would get 7 YO something when 5 YO gets something. Just because I know they donât think itâs fair. Life isnât always fair, but as parents we try to make it so for our little ones. When our son did see his bio mom we would do something special or get something for our younger one to âevenâ things out. She didnât understand why she could not go with her brother. Itâs been almost 3 yrs since we have had that issue though. Bio mom dipped out.
You are doing good momma⌠try getting a special lil gift for 7yr old to have to open as 5 yr old gets her special one from Bio Dad. It eased a bit of heartache in our house to do This for my daughter.
My daughter and oldest niece are close in age and were the only cousins/children. So for their birthdays weâd buy the birthday girlâs gifts and one for the cousin. Life will teach them things arenât always fair, we donât need to.
I think youâre doing a great job and I agree to be completely open with them. I try to do the same with mine as well. They need to know the truths of the world
I think you explained it very well. Itâs tricky walking that line between honesty and age appropriateness. My sonâs bio dad is back in his life for the first time in almost 6 years because of addiction. So I explained to him that his mind is sick. That heâs made bad choices that messed with his mind and there are certain things he has to do to keep well, like his meetings and therapy because the brain gets sick just like the body does. His grandparents felt like I have him too much information but I felt it was good for him to understand young.
Iâm very honest with my girls who are 16 and 10. Always have been because of the same situation you went through. As long as youâre not telling them grown up problems and issues at 5 and 7, youâre fine.
Iâm a stepmom and I chose to raise my stepdaughters full time. I donât expect their bio mother to give to my son. I explained to my son that just because they get to go to dinner once a week doesnât mean he has but he gets things in other ways. Example is Christmas he got a couple more gifts than the girls bc they get from dad and I and then their mother. Heâs now 11 but at that age itâs hard.
Iâve explained to my 9 and 7 year olds that no one HAS to get you a gift and if they do it is because they want to. Iâve also explained to them not everyone has the money to get everyone a gift. We appreciate the time we get to spend with them.
I think you did a great job mom. She will understand more as she gets older but in the meantime just explain as best you can and allow her to ask more questions if needed.
What does the number of gifts have to do with anything? I have 4 children ages 16,15,14 and 4 and the older kids gifts are more expensive so they donât have the same number of gifts and the younger one but the price spent on all is about the same. Stop counting gifts and teach them to appreciate what they getâŚ
There is no need to tell a 7 year old about whatever father went to jail and all that bs. If that wasnât confusing for an adult to read and understand, how is a 7 or 5 year old. I would have just made arrangements for an extra present to be present at whatever fatherâs place. Kids need to be kids and doesnât need to know about finances and all the above. Life is all about not being fair also. So if your going to teach a child something, teach them that! I never compliment my children on these awards for participating in an event. 1, 2, and 3rd place are hard work to achieve. Participating in an event is no reward. ( again, example).
My kids know everything - our youngest is 4 and eldest 19. Of course we will never go into unnecessary details or stuff like that, but if they ask, I answer as truthfully as possible
Iâm completely honest with my kids I try to keep things age appropriate but I never hid anything from them. They have more of a sense of what not to be like knowing how things turn out if they choose the wrong choices in life. They have more respect and are comfortable talking to me cuz they know ill tell them the truth and not lie. Iâd rather it be raw and honest then lie and have them think struggles and problems done exist
I have 3 kids, all have different fathers. My oldest started asking questions when she was 5-6. I think hearing about daddyâs at school brought up questions. Her dad and I were together for 5 years, but he had a drug problem that I couldnât bring my daughter up around. I always told her âyour daddy has made some bad decisions, but that doesnât make him a bad person and it doesnât mean he doesnât love you.â She is now 13 and he has started to contact her via Facebook. She and I talk about everything and she knows Iâm ok with whatever she decides. Itâs on HER terms now within reason and she knows my boundaries (meeting him, other people he associates with, etc). I have had a lot of people question my parenting because we have a very open household (all of the kids and myself). My oldest tells me everything (more than I want to know sometimes), maybe not right away but in her own time. They have no fear of communication because thatâs how itâs always been. I donât judge other parents that donât parent like I do, but you know your daughters maturity. I always have tried to keep things as positive as possible. Donât talk bad about the other parent, but do focus on being honest.
I talk to my 4 year old just like I would a teenager. I tell him as much as Iâd tell anyone else. If heâs confused or doesnât understand, I then try to simplify the explanation. Kids can grasp more than most people think.
Iâm 100% honest with my 8 yr old. Always. He was 5 an asked about babies. I told him 2 people like each other and have sex and sometimes babies are born and from where. Iâm not going to lie. He has HFA an he will find an answer. Giving half answers leads to more questions so I fully answer right away. He is satisfied and moves on. I donât care who doesnât like it.
Honesty is the best way to go. I think you worded it perfectly, youâre their mom and you know whatâs best for your girls. Youâre doing great Momma
I love this! I honestly donât think that there is an age to young for honesty! My mother was very controlling, lots of rules, reminded me that âthis doesnât concern youâ. I couldnât wait to move out and be on my own.
With my daughters (18 year old twins), Iâve always been honest, even when they were young, and we have a healthy, open relationship.
Honesty is best, at any age. And the fact that you were honest with her, and didnât try to make something up or run out and buy her extra presents to âmake upâ, teaches her more than one life lesson. Kudos!
I donât really think the 7 year old needs to know about her siblings dad going to jail etc. age 7 is not appropriate. Age 12+ but def not 7. I would tell the girl that she has another ârelativeâ and then just get her another gift. I mean these are young kids. Being honest is fine if they understand. They donât so it shouldnât be hard to fill in the gaps for a young child.
I am 100% honest with My boys. They are 13yo and 5.5yo. My oldest has never and probably will never have a dad as he is the product of a rape. My youngest has a barely bare minimum father. My oldest being 7.5yrs older has seen the shit my ex has done and has said heâs not a good dad and he feels bad for my youngest. Each child has someone who does something with each of them. My oldest has a BIG through BBBS who has come to be a part of our family and my youngest has my ex. My oldest goes with his BIG just them and my youngest goes with my ex just them so when either brings something home from those things itâs normal and hasnt caused any issues cause itâs been the normal for the last 6yrs so my youngest whole life. They accept that they donât get the same outside our home but in our home they are treated just the same. Iâm always honest with My boys on every level. This is their life as well so they are apart of the discussion and decision making! It works for us.
I think itâs a good relationship to be honest. To an extentâŚAs long as you donât make your problem their problem. But you know her maturity and filling her in on things like this leads to better understanding and open minds. Everyone is different and thatâs ok.
I donât believe in keeping things from your child, however there is such a thing as what is age appropriate. A good question to ask yourself⌠are they at an age to understand and be able to have a conversation about it?
I have kids with different husbands/dads and step kids so everyone has a different grandma and I tell them that while weâre all family that everyone has a different dad /grandma they spend time with and thatâs ok
So in my situation my oldest daughter doesnât have anything to do with her father wasnât around when I was pregnant and isnât around now he has never met her but she is nowin a way figuring out where her dad is as her friends have dadâs and her sister she is 5 but until she asks me herself about her dad I will 100 percent tell her and if she wants to contact him thatâs all up to her I am not stopping her but I also have a protection order on him for personal reasons
I grew up the same. Was told to mind my business I wasnât old enough I didnât need to know anything ect rct. BUTTTT that just made me more curious and I would sneak to listen and or look stuff up. so because of that Iâm honest with my kids we donât filter things, we watch scary movies and shows. We answer questions honestly and we donât hold back. I cuss in front of our kids. But teach them about right and wrong times for things. I have the potential of either brain damage or death with the birth of this baby and weâve been completely honest with our kids about it.
Only thing I really lie about is santa and stuff hahah I know! But I held onto that for so long as a kid my grandma was fantastic at keeping the spirit alive and I just remember the feeling of it.
My kids are still kids they still play and live like they should and have their experiences ect ect. But we are honest about things when asked.
Growing up as the only kid around a ton of adults (both my half sisters were already adult when I was born) and it was always âgo play, the adults are talkingâ and âwell lifeâs not fairâ I also HATED it.
Huge kudos to you for being honest with your kids.
I think knowing they arenât biologically related is probably as far as you should go. What purpose does telling her that her siblings father is crappy serve? Is it supposed to give her a perspective on why her sibling gets an extra gift? Sheâs shared her father nearly her entire life. Her sibling was raised by birth from you and your husband. She has a full time father, and a part time one. Yes, she gets extra gifts. No, itâs not fair. What I would mostly do is validate your daughters feelings. âI know you get less gifts, and I know it seems like it isnât fair.â Your daughter is seven. While overall she gets the better end of the deal, that doesnât mean there isnât certain things that donât suck. Itâs not fair, and letting her know that doesnât hurt. Telling her that she should be thankful her father is responsible and makes good choices invalidates her feelings. Especially because the five year old has that, too. Through your seven year olds bio father that adopted her. When she is older, she will see naturally her siblings dad isnât a real father, and worrying about a gift seems petty, but right now itâs a valid concern she has. Validate it.
I think that itâs very good that you explained that to her. The earlier you explain these situations the more time they have to figure it out and adjust to it and cope with their feelings. I also think maybe in the future you could get her a couple of extra small gifts that you could pretend are from the younger siblings father maybe so she doesnât feel so left out. Or while youâre bringing the younger one to visit her bio dad her dad could take her to do something special just the two of them.
I think itâs wonderful that youâre open and honest with her. I wasnât given that as kid or wasnât given age appropriate info. Just be sure to always keep it age appropriate and youâre doing a great job
I have had to deal with something similar (bio asked for visits when my daughter was 5 but heâs violent and we did supervised visits in a locked facility a few times before he just quit going) I think youâre doing the right thing. I consulted a therapist while we were going through this and they said age appropriate answers are great for kids which it sounds exactly like what you are doing. Daughter is 11 now and she actually thanked me the other day for being honest because it was easier for her to understand. ETA: I never spoke bad about her father to her especially when she was 5 but it was along the same lines of âyour dad isnât making great choices right now so we have to see him with a teacher who can teach him to make better choicesâ I think youâre doing great! Hang in there
I try to keep open communication with my daughter, she knows I havenât always been the best, and she knows we try every day to be a better version of who we are and never go back to any of our bad habits
over all not a issue their is always something each year that makes me sit back and wish things were simpler
