Hey, I need some advice! Here’s the backstory: my husband is about ten years older than his sister, and they have always been fairly close. As they grew older and he was out of the house, and she was primarily at her dad’s, they became more distant, which is normal. When I came around when she was 18 was about the same time, she started to really change. She became a major hippie, was a smoking pot with her dad, and doing all kinds of hallucinogenic drugs, then allowed her 23yo bf to move into her room, and my husband didn’t approve, so communication was limited. When we had our kid, she was happy to be an aunt, swore she’d come around more etc…and it never happened. I’ve seen her maybe five times since our son’s birth, which was almost three years ago. Well, a few months ago she got into a huge fight with her bf, things got kind of physical, and they split up- dad kicked HER out and allowed her bf to stay. She was couch surfing and stayed in her car for over a month sleeping in a beach parking lot. Of course, my husband being the overprotective and family-oriented person said to move in with us. We willingly moved all of our son’s stuff into our room and throughout our house and redid the room entirely for her. I bought new sheets, comforter sets, towels, and a care package worth like $100 to just make her feel more comfortable. Yesterday she came over at 4:30, and she started acting weird. Very unappreciative and snobby. Then it was obvious she was bored sitting at our house…we’re homebodies and enjoy each other’s company so going out every day all day just isn’t our thing. By 11:45 pm, she had a guy friend come pick her up to go hang out. It’s now 8 pm the following day, and we haven’t even heard from her. I told my husband if she’s going to play the game of not showing up or letting us know when she’s actually going to be here, then she can sleep on our couch, and my son will get his room back. He agreed but still seemed adamant we keep the room available for her. I feel like she’s just mad because we don’t do drugs or drink, and we’re a growing family, and she’s only 20. All I wanted to do as someone who’s had a really bad childhood was help her out, give her a safe space and a place to rest her head, but I’m pretty angry at how she’s acting, and it’s visibly hurting my husband…any advice on how to handle things? Or am I overreacting…
Cut the cord let her be on her own shes 20 not 12…
You guys cant be her parent you have your own child. You cant help someone who either dont want help or is using you. It seems she may have to take the hard road in life until she can figure it out. Your husband will have to love her from a distance
whats the big deal about her going out with friends for a couple days? why would she need to sleep on the couch over that? I think u are just tired of her being there honestly.
Yes you overreacting. Let her be her and mind your own business…
She is 20…thats what 20 yr olds do…
Let her be.
Talk to her. Plain and simple. Set up rules with your husband and let her know what they are. “We expect you to be home by x time. If not, we expect a phone call by x time so that we can make sure the house is locked down and safe”.
Don’t expect her to be happy to sit at home with you all day every day just because that’s what makes you happy. As long as she’s coming and going at respectable hours, being kind and helpful, contributing to the house in some way, then don’t nit-pick the parts of her life that you disagree with.
I was kinda going through the same thing
Not allow a drug addict in your home. You have children. You can love her and try to help her without her living there
She’s grown need her own place.
Sounds like she is on drugs, honestly.
She’s an adult and you can’t tell when she can and can’t go out, let alone when she should be home. I feel maybe you’re fishing for a reason to tell her to leave. You don’t need a reason, if you want her to move out, tell her so.
Well… you don’t own her… but you did sacrifice your son’s room for her… maybe just talk to her about how you feel about that? And ask like what her plans are for while she’s there, what goals she has, etc. Maybe try to help her without sacrificing any thing else.
Didnt you say she was 20?? I think you are overreacting. She is an adult - she should be allowed to come and go as she pleases. Maybe some ground rules like letting you know she isnt coming home at night but she is an adult…
Well. She’s an adult, so you can’t really dictate when she can and can’t leave the house.
But you can set some boundaries, like no men over for hook ups, send a courtesy text if she’s staying out so you don’t worry.
No drugs in your home. That sort of thing
I wouldn’t have rearranged my house t0 accommodate a grown, single person to start out with. I would’ve offered the couch and see how things went before moving my three year old child that needs stability and routine. I would tell her that I run a house, not a hotel. You wanna come and go as you please without taking consideration of putting other people out, find a hotel. Sounds to me like she needs a good dose of tough love. Meaning, ya’ll will be there for her as long as she abides by the household rules. Yes. She’s grown, but she isn’t on her own and are putting yall out of your comfort zone in your home. Sounds like she’s not the kind of person you need around your child anyways.
She can go back to sleeping in her car in the beach parking lot. She will grow up or she won’t. I would not have her lifestyle disrupting the peace in my home.
Dear, she obviously only wants help on her terms!! Ain’t going to happen!! If she returns your husband needs to explain to her that you all are more than happy to have her, but she needs to follow a few basic rules!! If she’s not happy w/ that Let her surf!!
She can’t be using your home like a flop house. You sacrificed your sons room so she would have a place to stay. If she isn’t going to be utilizing the room, then move your sons stuff back in.
I would have never allowed her to move in to begin with. For her own father to throw her out but allow the bf to stay, speaks volumes. She is grown. She needs to get her own place.
One, she’s a kid, let her live her life. If you have an issue with her letting you know where she is, if she’ll be back home, then express that to her. She’s basically a brand new adult, and probably not use to structure, so you gotta tell her what you expect.
Just because she stays with you, doesn’t mean you get to decide when she comes n goes. It’s also very disrespectful of you to throw all the stuff you got her, in her face. Shouldn’t have bought her anything if you were gonna be bitter about it.
She’s a grown ass adult and should get her own place. That said, she’s a grown ass adult and you shouldn’t be trying to dictate a curfew for her. I highly doubt she’s “mad” you guys don’t drink or do drugs. She’s just bored and exhibiting an attitude. Let her do her own thing or send her packing. Don’t let get get all dependent on you guys.
I’m on the fence cuz she is an adult n shouldn’t have to report to anyone…HOWEVER, u and your husband are sacrificing your child’s room to her. A simple call to say “I wont be home tonight (or a couple of nights)” isnt a lot to ask for. If she is staying out more than in, then the couch should be sufficient enough for her for the time being. If she is doing drugs, she shouldn’t be there around your child either. It’s looking like u both are g2have to talk w her and see what her plans are…I hate to say this but maybe say she has to pass a drug test in order to stay…exclude the pot n alcohol if that doesnt bother you for example or include it if it is too much of a habit. Whatever it is, set some boundaries, but also allow her the freedom she does deserve. She is 20 n prob hasnt figured shit out yet. But since u have a family, just make sure they are protected. If it becomes too much, then give her some time to find a place at least. Whatever your limits are w her, set them and let her know what is expected of her if she wants to have an open door policy. Best of luck
Shes probably still doing drugs but only asking will determine that, assuming can piss someone off. And give your son his room back. I woulda never moved him out, she needs to earn it. She can have the couch but make rules. If shes not gonna be home then you need to know. But she’s an adult, she can and will do whatever she pleases. Butshe still has to respect your house and family.
Well…she is an adult and not your child so you kind of are overeating. You can’t really tell her that she has to stay and not go out. Yes you can try to help her. But if she isn’t ready to be clean, no matter what you say, she won’t get clean. All you can do is give her a safe place to sleep and let her know you’re there. And set ground rules. Because you have a child. Like not to use at your or come home high or bring other users over. But you can’t treat her like a child and tell her she can’t leave or give her a curfew the more you try the worse it will be. And if she doesn’t respect your rules and request, then kick her out. Or don’t let her stay period. But either way, she is not a child. She is an adult. Also she didn’t ask you to do anything that you did with the room. You did that on Your own. So thats on you. Not to be thrown in her face. That’s more childish. Have you even talked with her about any ground rules? Or you just expect to move her in and her to not ever leave the house like a normal 20 year old does? Most 20 year olds using drugs or not, don’t like sitting at home. She is a yoing adult after all
She’s an adult… and unfortunately adults do what adults do…
I think you guys have both overreacted and overly enabled her… (thinking it’s ok to be rude to someone in their own home when they’re letting you stay with them)
But, really… she’s an adult now… not a child…
I think you deserve the courtesy of knowing when she’s going to leave and come back but y’all aren’t her parents. She’s 20 of course she wants to go out and have a life.
Also, you chose to spend that money to make her feel comfortable. That was very nice of you but she didn’t ask for it. Don’t throw that in her face.
If you want her to be out by a certain time you need to have a sit down talk and work out a plan and deadline that is reasonable.
She eont be mothered
Just give ur son his room back
Give her the couch
Give her a timeframe to stay
She doesnt know family life and doesnt want it
Set rules
Most likely she wont stay long
Remember if someone stays foe more than 30 days…they become tenants
It’s really hard to get them out
Nope you have a son to worry about, so your husband needs to think about him, his sister is grown. Tell her she can stay as long as there no drugs, if it happens she needs to leave
Give your son his room back.
Has this happened 1 time only? If so, you’re over reacting… majorly. If it’s a reoccurring thing, sit and talk to her about the fact that if she isn’t using the bedroom, you’ll give it back to your kid. It remember, she’s an adult and doesn’t need your permission to go out etc. As long as she isn’t having strange men, drugs or alcohol around your house then she isn’t really doing anything wrong.
Set rules and if she don’t want to follow them then tell her to leave and don’t feel guilty about she an adult time to grow up
Give your son his room back, dude. She can sleep on the couch since she wants to act unappreciative.
Do you honestly expect a single 20yr old to just sit around the house with her brothers family not doing anything? Thats unrealistic. Unless she’s coming home at 4am waking the baby then let her be. Ask for rent if it makes you feel better. Sounds like you’re just trying to control her every move and thats not cool. You offered her a place to stay, not to be her mother. Worry about your own son.
1…u should have never moved your son out, thats his room and she should earn that. 2 you are not her mother and cannot control her. 3 its your house so yes u can have rules and if she doesnt like it then she can continue to couch surf.
Think of it this way, if she is known for using drugs, and brings them into your own and the cops show up it could drag ALL of you into a sticky mess especially since you KNOWINGLY allowed a drug user into your home…and yes it has happened before(where i live)
She’s 20. I was 25/26 living at home and barely there. Granted I worked and contributed to the house but it really was just a place to lay my head (when I felt like it) at that age. If there is the condition to sit under you all in order for her to stay I recommend you tell her that.
Get help for her put her in rehab
Well you’re not her keeper and as long as she’s not bringing drugs into your home she will do adult things. But seriously, your son needs his room. You’re not a hotel, you are a family and she needs to respect that and shouldn’t be taking anyone’s room. The couch is just fine and if she doesn’t like it then she needs to get a job and get an apartment.
Give your son his room back man! 
She should have been on the couch to begin with.
You can only do so much.
She’s an adult and until she decides she wants to change her life around there’s really nothing you can do
I think she shouldnt have the room that’s your kids room man. Also she should tell you when shes coming and going. And she should have a time limit she is allowed to stay and have to get a job
I would say I was like your sister around the same age. Stayed with family, partied, didn’t have kids, so I didn’t want to stay home. I was so selfish at the time that I didn’t think of others and what they did when I stayed. I should’ve got my crap together instead of using all my money to go out drinking. I still kick myself in the butt for acting like that. You and your husband need to talk with each other and set a date how long she can stay and voice your concern that you feel it’s more of a flop house than it is to get her stuff together. Ask the sister what’s her long term goal and see if there’s something you guys can do to help achieve that. Let her know that although you enjoy her company, this isn’t a permanent solution as she’s an adult and needs to be making adult decisions. It takes up your son’s room, I’m sure you’re paying more in bills and groceries with an extra body in the house. If she believes that she should get to do whatever, whenever then your house isn’t a place for that. Tell her you guys love her, but you’re not going to tolerate that behavior under your roof. It took me being pregnant to stop making bad choices so hopefully she’s smarter than me and realizes that there’s more to life. If you guys don’t have that talk with her and let her run, something could happen. Either something serious is going to happen to her or you guys are going to all have at it one day. You seem like you’re already annoyed and one day you might freak out and then you’re the bad guy. I think you and your husband can agree that you guys want the best for her and to let her make bad decisions is only enabling the behavior. If the guy didn’t come in to introduce himself, there might be a reason. You don’t want a bunch of people over knowing where you live and she’s doing drugs. You don’t want your kid to be around that. Trust me, if you guys don’t nip it in the butt, you guys are going to have some problems.
No you’re not over reacting. It’s called respect.
Maybe she had a bad day? Why can’t you talk to her?
Had a very similar situation happen with my SIL, except we didn’t move our children out of their room. She wanted to move in with us, we agreed on the condition that she worked. She lasted 1 day, found a guy on the bus ride home from work and left that night. She claimed she was just going out, but stayed gone for 4 days. Never called to let us know she was fine. When she finally came back, I said “oh, good. You’re not dead…” Thankfully, she came to get her crap and move in with the guy. She’s always been a mess and I had my reservations about bringing her into our home anyway, but I caved for my Husband. She’s now in jail somewhere in Nebraska and has lost custody of 3 children.
At the very least, I’d move her to the couch and don’t worry about disturbing her when you get up in the mornings. Also, don’t make any more big gestures. Wait and see how long this even lasts because she’ll probably move on to the next failure. Some people hate stability and normalcy.
I get where everyone is coming from saying that you don’t own her and it’s none of your business where she goes or what she does, BUT you have a new family. You have a child care for protect and make sure the environment is good for. I think it’s absolutely your business when she comes and goes and that you make sure she’s not up to anything sketchy or illegal. Did she beg you guys to let her move in or did your husband have to convince her? Yes you went out of your way to help her and make her feel at home but is that what she wanted in the first place? It’s okay for you to talk to her about all of this. Get your feelings out in the open and go from there. That is your house. And if her behavior is going to make you uncomfortable then maybe she shouldn’t be there
yeah i agree with you… i wouldn’t like that either
I say move your son back into his bedroom but always tell her she is welcome and always has a place to stay…the couch and fresh sheets is all she really needs. Let her be.
All this bc she stayed out one night? No 20 yo is going to sit in the house with you and your husband all day.
Give her a time frame. You have x amount of months to get a job, save up and find housing arrangements. Otherwise you’re just going to be highly disappointed and more frustrated. Plus she is getting more and more comfortable freeloading while your son doesn’t have a room. I say make her uncomfortable by having her sleep on the couch. Maybe that will motivate her to want her own space
I think when it comes down to it , it’s your house and if you don’t want someone in and out at all hour of the night because you have children and jobs that’s 100% understandable. Yes she’s an adult but if she’s such an adult she should understand that. My father lived with me for about a year and one point and I didn’t try to control anything but there was rules about in and out and being loud and what not as I have children. But as for knowing what she’s up to that’s her business she is 20. I would just tell her … you do you but no sketchy shit or drugs in my house if there found your out! She just needs some adult talk that’s all . Treat her as the adult she is!
Get a job an be on your way
Your child has to come first. You should try to be there for family when we you can but you can’t put your child on the back burner while someone takes advantage of your generosity and abuses the privilege you’re providing to her. If she isn’t going to be using the bed you bought for her then she should be fine sleeping on the couch. Especially if she’s only going to be there sporadically. She needs to understand that having a roof over her head isn’t a right. She needs to respect the house rules or she doesn’t have a house. It’s about respect. Have a conversation with her and your husband and establish ground rules. Make it very obvious what your expectations are. Then she can make the choice whether it’s worth it to her or not to have a room there.
I’d be upset too, and don’t think your feelings are an overreaction. True, she’s 20 and an adult, but you have rearranged your lives to make a safe place for her and she’s unappreciative. I’d set some ground rules to remind her she’s living with a young family, and always encourage respect and communication . Her lifestyle is a little wild compared to yours, but I hope there’s a compromise. She should be paying rent too unless it’s temporary so she can save up to rent her own place. She needs to get on her feet but may not be ready or want to if dad or bf paid her bills.
Have a one on one with her about your childhood. Tell her that you want better for her
She is old enough to do as she pleases you are not her parents she is not your child grow up
She is an adult not a child. If she doesn’t have a job put the job adds on the bed. If she has one put the rental adds on her bed. It’s fine for her to go out but at least let you guys know so you don’t make her dinner and it goes to waste. I would set your son’s room back up for him. It’s not fair on him or you. If you have a yard could you set-up a granny flat for her out there? That way you can help but still give everyone their independence
“Leave her be” “mind your business” that’s her fucking house! That little girl probably doesn’t pay any bills there, & she’s moved her SON out of his OWN room for this girl who doesn’t even have the respect or decency to communicate with her family. Bullshit. If you have a problem, you handle it. That’s your house!
give your son his room back, he lives there and is your family. Your 20yo SIL can have the couch. give her two months to get a job and either start saving up or start paying some sort of rent. Teach her that living somewhere isn’t free. and that everything has a price. make her pay for her own food, give her a chore. show her that living isn’t as easy as it seems. Show her how to save up for a place, how to manage money for bills and food. let her choose to stay with you and get a job, or she’ll be kicked out of she doesn’t contribute to the home.
I wont huve up my kids room for no one! She is a woman now, let her live on the streets if that her choice
Why not try and have a sit down with her and talk. Remind her that you guys did move your whole house around for her and unless she is going to start paying you guys rent she can’t just go n come as she pleases especially since your son had to give up his room for her.
She is a grown ass woman. She doesn’t owe you an explanation of where she goes. You are not her parent regardless how close her brother and her are.
You willingly gave her a place to stay; that doesn’t imply you own her!
No way would I allow her to stay. She’s extremely unstable. What if she flips out in your house? Robs you? It’s just not safe!
She isn’t your child. She’s an adult. Immature but still an adult. If your husband wants her to follow house rules you all should have sat down before she moved in and laid down the rules so she knew exactly what was expected of her in your home.
im sorry but just because she is staying in your home does not mean you get to treat her like your teenaged daughter. She is an adult…At least she left your home instead of bringing someone over. At 20, you cannot expect her to sit at home with you as a married couple & your child, just because you offered her a room & care package…
Now should you demand she works & helps out with some bills, & cleans up after HERSELF, absolutely you should…but again you have no right to expect her to want to live your life.
Lol. You’re nicer than me. No one doing drugs/drinking would be living in my house with my kids.
Shes a grown ass adult who doesn’t need to check in just cuz you’re letting her stay there 
Sounds like a similar situation I had with my sister. I offered her and her kids a room for 800 a month all bills included and child care. But the rules were no one was to come over and she had to be home an hour after work or work out a plan with us. It worked for about a year and she got tired of my rules and moved out.
Nope and nope.
Dealt with that with my stepdaughter (8 yrs younger than me). Once she stole my late husband’s pain pills I was done.
Why do you feel the need she needs to check in with y’all? She is an adult. You chose to move her in knowing the type of person she is. Give her her space and freedom. Let her know she is more then welcome and included in doing stuff with you. Ask her what her future goals are and help her change her ways so she can achieve them. If she doesn’t seem interested in bettering herself then so her down with your husband and set some ground rules. Within reason. Like checking In with you is ridiculous. The fact your complaining makes you sound a bit controlling. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to be there…
You’re definitely overreacting
You invited an ADULT to stay with you but are expecting to be able to treat her like a child
At least she went out with her guy friend instead of bringing him to your house
Girl stay out of it. Siblings have their thing. If you interfere it will cause issues with your marriage but I would tell your husband that maybe you both should encourage counseling and a job or school to get on her feet.
This girl needs therapy. What happened to her mother? Are there any positive role models in her life or someone she looks up to? Does she idolize her brother, resent him, or something in between? Her dad uses drugs, and she just lost her home, boyfriend and dad.
Why is she doing drugs? Is it weed or something harder? Is it casual use or all the time? Is she working or in school? If not, why not?
Frankly, you knew who she was before she moved in & now you’re surprised at her behavior? Why did dad throw her out? What were his problems with her? What were her problems with him?
You should have discussed conditions for her staying there before she moved in. You & hubs should do so now & sit down with sis to set some ground rules.
How long are you willing to put her up? A few months? Years? Forever? Is she required to pay rent, help with groceries or household tasks? She doesn’t sound responsible enough to help with your child by herself, but could feed, change diapers, do small tasks.
Does she need to get a job if she doesn’t already have one? What about drug use & drinking in the house? Can she have guests over, or men overnight? I don’t think you can impose a curfew, but you could ask her to let you know when she’ll be home if it will be after midnight so you don’t worry about something happening to her. Or you could text her & ask when she expects to be home next.
But first I’d sit down and just talk with her about her life, hopes, dreams, disappointments. Sounds like no one parented her very well or just left her to her own devices and she’s lost. Or maybe she’s just going through a rebellious phase—ask your husband.
Maybe get her involved in something positive, like volunteering at an animal shelter, reading to little kids at the library or for a cause she believes in (save the whales, environment, justice reform, women’s rights, cancer patient support, homelessness).
What are her talents &/or good points? Build on those. See if she’d take a class in meditation, yoga, martial arts, dance, art, or cooking, or join a young adult hiking, cycling, or healthy adventure group so she can feel better about herself, get healthy, make better friends, and have something positive to talk about and share with her nephew. Don’t push too hard or you’ll push her away, though. Give her time to adjust to every change.
Maybe you can gently be the parents she needed, showing her how to care for a house & child, being responsible, and learning how to deal with her emotions, challenges and setbacks. Once you are all settled in a routine, see if you can help her set realistic goals and milestones to achieve them. For example, getting a job with benefits that is the first step to a career, her own apartment, a diploma or certificate, quitting drugs, having a family. Has she even thought about her future?
If you’ll be responsible for her & she takes classes, one of you might be able to claim her as a dependent and get her on your health plan, or help her get insurance coverage on her own so she can get psychiatric counseling. DEFINITELY make sure she is on reliable birth control she can keep up with.
You could be this git’s best hope for a positive future if she is open to it. If not, you’ll just have to set boundaries and let her make her own way in the world. You & hubs should talk to a family counselor (and Narc Anon if drugs are serious) to learn how best to deal with her & protect yourselves and your child.
Good luck, I’ll send a prayer to the universe that things work out for all of you.
She needs a job. Pay rent give time limit to get her own place
20 year old calling to let you know she won’t be home? Lmao please tell me that parts a joke… She’s a adult even if your helping her out. She’s not your teenage child. She’s a grown woman down on her luck.
If you expect to have childish rules I’m sure it would help to sit down like a adult and lay out the house rules. Most 2p year olds aren’t going to just sit home all day and night because that’s what you want to do. She can still have a life. As long as drugs and partying isn’t coming to the house I wouldn’t get involved.
Some people don’t have a good answer until they walk in your shoes honey. I couldn’t have no one staying with me living that type of life in my home. Her brother can try and get her the help she needs. Praying for you🙏. No one knows your pain unless they have went though it.
My advice is just to give her a few weeks and see how she responds. If she starts to spend more time at the house…great! If she continues to stay gone most of the time, just have your husband agree to move her to maybe your couch ot better yet… a corner of your garage would be better, so she could have her own little space somewhere so that your son could have his room back. He is sa giving up his room for soneo who isn’t there enough to justify the sacrifice.
When I lived with my mom, as an adult, I still had rules. I was 23 with two kids of my own living with my mom and four of my siblings. If we were going somewhere, she had to be told and if I wasn’t going to be home by midnight, she had to know. Even before kids, at 18, I had to let her know and I was expected to contribute rent. I don’t think having household rules is unreasonable. I’d call a family meeting and lay down the rules, consequence being that you respect the rules of the house or you move out.
I’m a generous person but NOBODY gonna come in and root my child out of their bed…the couch will be their domaine and that’s with respecting the hours they r running in n out of my house… I mean seriously who wants their house unsecure if your in your bed sleeping?
Honesty I wouldn’t have moved my son out of his bedroom. Your son didn’t do anything wrong so why make him move to the couch? The sister should be the one to sleep on the couch if she really wants a place to stay. Also she is an adult and shouldn’t have to check in with people. If you are wondering where she is you should text her and ask if she’s okay and if she’s going to be coming “home” anytime soon. If she’s disrupting everyone then tell her she needs to move out. Maybe give her a reasonable amount of time to get things together. She’s lived in her car, so why can’t she continue to live in her car if she’s going to be a freeloader? You really only have 2 options. Let her stay at your house and continue to get pissed with her attitude, or tell her to leave and get your life back.
My house my rules. Make the rules live by them or go.back to couch surfing.
She needs a job. And besides, its my house too! She’s only a guest and i can drag her out my house anytime i want! Show her that you are not comfortable with her living with your family… She needs rehabilitation centre not your house…
You agreed to it and she is an adult but you can tell you husband that it’s not working for you and agree on a time for her to get her own place. Then shut your trap and just wait it out. Everyone is right, dont get in between them and support your husband no matter what (as long as you all stick to the date). Always be his safe place. No bitching, no option. If he asks just tell him “I’m sure you guys will work it out”. Let her have the room until she leaves. Keep it simple. It will help you get through it too.