How do you deal with “step/bonus” grandparents treating your child differently than their blood family? Do you take your child out of the situation or do you let it keep happening? The grandparents don’t seem to realize it’s happening but it has 100% been happening.
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If the grandparents don’t realize it, why not just try to have a civil conversation with them…
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Oh don’t fool yourself they absolutely know…
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You bring it to the grandparents attention. Either they will change and be apologetic or they’ll let you know one way or another that they will not better the situation. If they do not, keep your child away. If you have other children that are blood related, you decide whether or not you want them to continue that relationship with their grandparents. I wouldn’t personally because I feel it would allow my children to believe one is more special than the other.
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My step mom 100% does this. She even came to town and texted me when she got home how sorry she forgot to visit. Luckily my kid didn’t realize she came. I just guard him from it and someday when he sees it. I’ll be there
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Basically, try not to play “their” game. Too many times adults use children as pawns. An no one wins. Be adopted or blood, a child should be Loved the same. Do what is best for the child, not yourself. When you do, depending on the age of the child, keep it simple & fair.
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Bring it up to them. If it continues stop all children from going over til all are treated equally.
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Say something but don’t attack. They may not be aware. If they don’t respond by trying to fix it, that’s your answer. Everything isn’t all or nothing, black and white etc. just protect your child as each big issue comes up, looking for what’s best for your child with the situation/circumstances.
Arguing and creating family war isn’t best.
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Have a calm, rational conversation about it with them like adults. They probably don’t realize it looks that way to you. Make them aware, then see what changes.
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Disfavored child status is an extremely harmful form of abuse, even if it is from non-blood relatives its effects will haunt their adult psychological platform
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I just stay away. And so do my children.
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This is kindof a tricky one. I have 6 grandbabies … one of which is not biological. We treat all 6 the same when they are with us … but 2 of them (one, of which, is the non-biological) live farther away & spend much less time with us. Since we don’t get much time with them, we aren’t as familiar with them as we are the other 4. So it might seem like we treat them differently, but we don’t… we simply haven’t had the opportunity to get to know them as well, so we are less familiar.
If it’s an obvious situation that the step kids are treated differently, then the adults need to discuss it to see what can be done to resolve the situation. They might not be aware of the problem. Give them a chance to fix it by bringing it to their attention. If after you’ve talked, it doesn’t change, then I’d try to explain to the kids what’s going on and give them the option to not spend time with the grandparents, if the grandparents make them feel uncomfortable. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them, if they are going to purposely make you and the kids feel bad.
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Your partner should call them out on it. If they don’t make effort to change then I just wouldn’t see them as much and never on gift giving holidays where favoritism is visible.
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Talk to them. If things don’t change, take the children out of the equation. Be prepared for questions. I still get asked why we don’t go see Daddy’s parents anymore and it’s been years.
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I dealt with this and the first time my child asked why his “brothers grandma “ only wants him I put my foot down and said no more it was equally and both or neither
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I’m glad i don’t have to worry about that,y mother in law treats mine the exact same as she does his…she’s wonderful
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I’d sit down and talk with them or remove the children until they understand it’s all of nothing.
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If you have noticed it then your child has felt it…stop taking them where their not loved or respected…
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Let your partner handle it. It seems like it may be their family. If u bring it up they may resent you
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My ex mother in law did this. I spoke on it several times to her and my ex husband.
My mil started off treating my kids amazing and then when i moved in with my husband and didnt do what she wanted she started treating my kids like less than but my step kids amazing. Then we had our son and started trying to treat him like my step kids while still treating my kids like crap. So i cut her off. Its been a nice 19 months without her. We had lots of conversations about fair treatment and everything and she refused to change so me and my bio kids have no contact at all.
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I’d never let anyone treat my child less than the other children and I don’t care who it is. I’d let them know you see it happening and you will not tolerate it. Your child will eventually feel and see the difference and that’s not a feeling any child should ever have. I’d definitely not let it continue. 
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My mom did same my kids smiled grain of salt not worth the aggravation older grandparents have their way that what their for. Kids love it let it play out. Never know if u let them have their time, alone never know. How would u react if someone hovers over u dictating. Communication common sense
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I’d definitely say talk to them about it. It may not be on purpose. Something to consider, have they spent enough time with them to really know eachother and bond? If they have known the other “blood related” kiddos their entire life and have spent a ton of time bonding with them they may just not have had the chance to get to know the bonus kiddos as well/make memories/have fun little jokes/games/they do with them. If they don’t know eachother as well as try to see about carving our quality time (they go there with just them to spend some time, you guys can take the other kiddos to eat and so something together so they dont feel excluded). Joining families seamlessly can take a bit of time and effoer for everyone to adjust and become truly comfortable with each other the same (this coming from experience). The best way to approach it is communication.
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They either treat them sall the same or none at all meaning if they can’t treat them all the right way then maby none of them should get to.go
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Your spouse should be talking to his parents and making it clear, everyone gets treated equal.
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I’m the type to remove myself and my child from a situation where they can be hurt. I think people like this suck, especially since they don’t have the ability LOVE wholeheartedly. I pray to never be that person.
My husband cut himself out of their lives. Now we have not taken out oldest boy out but that’s because his mother has a say in it but we were honest with our kids what was going on…they said it would be different once we were married, got married years ago, said once we had a baby together it would be different…he’s two and he has nothing to do with them either. I used to be sad about it but his dad is amazing and he loves them all the same…
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Tell them that you will not stand for that if they don’t like it maybe you’re in the wrong relationship.
Sit down with them and your child. Have the child tell the grandparents how they feel. Also put in your 2 cents. I am a step parent. When I saw that my parents didn’t seem interested in my stepchildren I just didn’t take them any longer. Both sides were fine with it. There was no drama and no sense of loss. To my knowledge. They never asked to visit my parents. Now ,my parents would ask about them and their wellbeing but, as far as everything else goes. It just never took.
My kids bio grandmother treats my kids different than the other grandkids. This has been brought up and apparently she does not care so my kids have virtually no relationship with her. Honestly it is her loss not theirs, thank God she lives out of state.
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They need to be treated the same or they won’t be seeing them anymore unfortunately. It’s a discussion that the adults need to have without the children present. Never assume they’re doing it on purpose.
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I would definitely have a talk with them, but I wouldn’t go into it accusing because they truly might not realize what is happening. Perspective is everything! I had a similar situation with my gma and bonus son, but after expressing how it made us feel we quickly realized it wasn’t intentional nor would she ever want him to feel less than. Our issue was resolved quickly and I hope the same for you!
Like i get that it’s super easy to just say “nope. never ok” but even as a parent whose sort of experienced this…i just can’t.
Life is fluid and filled with all kinds of grey areas.
Intention matters. Extenuating circumstances matter. Even some of these random little things that don’t feel like they “should” matter can.
So, for me? I’m going to simply say that there really isn’t enough information here.
Are both bio and step yours? Is the differential treatment done in front of the step? what exactly is the differential treatment?
If they don’t realize it’s happening, address it with them one on one. If it continues, then distance yourself.
How long have they been a part of each other’s lives? Are they comfortable with each other? It is not black and Waite☹️
if you have to ask, should you remove them from this situation, that is not a good thing as a parents!!! Why in God’s name would any parents allow their child to be put in this situation to begin with ???
I would not condone that type of behavior honestly. My husband and I are expecting a little girl in August. I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship. The second ANYONE makes a difference between my children is the second they never get to see either of them again. End of story.
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How hard is it to talk to THEM??? If they don’t realize it is going on, they don’t have a chance to fix it.
No I would privately sit down altogether and mention this. They may not even know they are doing it because of course you are seeing things as the defensive mom. Which is natural
Consider why that might be. Do your in-laws babysit while the parents work? Do the parents of the other grandchildren make it a point to visit frequently? My mom always said a child chooses you, not necessarily the other way around. Has your child been given the opportunity to bond with them. Would you be opposed with letting your child spend the night so you and your husband could go on a date? Remember, the biological grandchildren don’t know anyone else. Put your hurt aside and honestly evaluate the situation. Give your in-laws the same grace you’d expect. Don’t assume you wouldn’t be the same way if roles were reversed. If they are obviously playing favorites to the exclusion of your child, that’s a whole different situation that needs to be addressed directly.
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Ask your spouse to address it. If they don’t, you address it. Clearly.
If it’s not corrected, none of mine would be around them. Blood or not.
And yes, my hubbins went off about it and made it clear, treat them both the same or forget you have grandkids.
I think we accept that sometimes in blended families this will be the case. It sux and it generally hurts the kids involved, but we can’t make other people act right. I just would limit contact if it’s not necessary
I feel this. My husband is oldest of 2. When we got together they used treat them as their own. Well his brother started dating a girl with very small kids. Now they don’t even check on them, post pictures like they do of other kids. I just don’t go with him anymore to in laws.
Address the adults.
Request changed behaviour.
They can’t change if they aren’t seeing anything wrong. Then, if once you have expressed how you feel things don’t change then you remove your children from the situation.
They will notice I am a parent that will let my child have their own voice (politely), my daughter has straight forward asked why she wasn’t liked she was 9/10 at the time. They will see the difference. I’d talk to that family member and your spouse together