How should we handle my step daughters bad behavior?

My stepdaughter is 9, who lives half time with her grandma and half time with her father and me really wants to play basketball… we already have her in extracurricular activities such as dance, and take care of clarinet lessons. We have been fighting for custody for a while now, and she goes back and tells her grandmother severe lies about us and says that she hates us and hates coming to our house. She is very disrespectful to her other siblings and us. Her father and I are at a loss, we try to make things enjoyable for her, but we don’t think we should bend over backward to give her what she wants after acting disrespectful and telling lies. Is it wrong to not allow basketball because of this behavior? Her grandmother refuses to pay or take her to these activities, which kind of makes us feel guilty. I’m not really about taking away activities like that for behavior, but we are at a severe loss of how to handle her actions.


Dont let her play. Stand your ground.

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I don’t know. Basketball might teach her some discipline


I’d be saying to her . No extra stuff sorry . Unless you drop something you already do and treat the people paying with more respect then no. Don’t worry about saying no x


Dont let her play. Good behavior brings rewards, like playing a sport she wants to play. Bad behavior shouldnt be rewarded. If you can behave badly but still be rewarded as if you were behaving well, what’s the point of behaving well?


Shes playing you off against each other , stand your ground and tell her if her behaviour dosent change then she can count basketball out, I’d even take the dance lessons out


get some counseling and see what her issue really is


Nope don’t give in to bad behavior she needs to learn respect n consideration for you n her dad doing more than enough for her basic living needs?

I would say you’re allowing this to continue as you pay for two kinds of activities as it is, and still allow her disrespectful behavior. If she wants to do something else, she needs to show some serious change happening, amd let her know that if the bad behavior keeps up, she’d be quitting ALL activities until she straightens her little butt up. 🤷 And I have a ‘difficult’ child of my own, who has completely turned around after a few good years of solid consistency. STOP giving in to her when she acts like a brat, and I bet you’ll see big changes.

You can’t. Your husband has to put her in check, but that doesn’t not mean you have to put up with it either.

She’s playing both sides and trying to get her way at both houses using negativity. Don’t reward the behavior or it will show her that she gets what she wants no matter the level of disrespect. Same rules would apply to the other siblings as far as extracurricular activities being the goal or motivation for good behavior.


You as a family need counseling. She needs individual sessions as well as strict discipline guidelines!! It is hard to establish your place in a family structure when you are only there parttime! Sounds like she has been allowed to play both sides against each other before!


Where is her birth mother? Why is she not involved? That would explain how she’s developed this way.

A three way conversation with you, her, and grandma. She is old enough to be put on the spot and consequences


If she don’t appreciate what you do for her now , doing more isn’t going yo make her better! She needs discipline ! She’s manipulating you!!!


Let her play basketball. She already hates you. Keeping her at home won’t make her a better person but it will keep her hating you for sure.

As harsh as it may sound. It’s a bonus to play. She needs to understand she is not allowed to lie and be disrespectful. She can’t do that on a team.
If she gains control of her behaviour then maybe the next round. But this one nope.
Make a goal chart for her. Start no lies and she gets something she likes. Praise her being respectful and have a standard punishment for lies and disrespect.
Tell her you are aware of the lies she is saying and won’t reward her for them.
You can tell her her grandma tells you.

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Stop all things extra curricular that you pay for. Don’t do basketball. She’s gonna learn respect one way or another… I’d sit down with her and explain why ur stopping it all and what she can do to earn stuff.

if you give in right now it will only get worse. She is only a child and should never allow her to take control of your marriage and your family. I also have this motto, I dont and will never reward bad behavior. I will never tolerate and enable it.

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You, dad, grandma, and her need to have a sit down and discuss her behavior in front of her!! She’s playing all of you!! Doing it this way shows her that you all know what she’s doing and that it needs to stop!! During this sit down let her know in front of grandma that she will not be doing basketball due to her nasty attitude!!

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No you’re not wrong. She already has structured activities that are discipline oriented … You already have done what you can. If she wants to lie and be mean especially to siblings. Do not reward her that behavior by giving her yet another expensive activity. … That’s not fair to your other children and it teaches them that they can be bad and get what they want and that that’s how they do in fact get what they want. Screw that.

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Are the extra curricular activities your choice or her choice ?? Because really you cant force a kid to enjoy an activity that they dont enjoy … While children do need to learn they cant have everything that want and crack it and throw tanties to get what they want and play one lot of parents against another … you have to be some what fair and give her an option to choose what activities she does with in reason … Im sure if some one made you do a few things you did not enjoy nor wanted to and stick at for a prolonged period of time with out giving you a choice to say no, I dare say you would not be happy either.

She needs help, councilling and maybe a diagnosis with that. I have met children like this.


She is 9. Still a child really. She is acting out for a reason. I suggest family/private counseling for her to get at the root of the behavior. I’m sure deep down, she feels badly after the fact, but the damage is already done. I hope you all find a peaceful solution.


Let her stay with her grandma and you and her dad can pick her up and take her to her activities.

Have you thought that maybe the reason she’s acting like that is because for mother clearly isn’t around? Navy she doesn’t want to do clarinet and dance she wants an active sport like basketball so maybe stop the clarinet and the dance and letter do basketball little teacher discipline and respect. Clear way she’s going through something with not having her mother maybe grandma and dad and stepmom need to sit down and figure out what that’s all about maybe do some counseling together and her on her own so she can speak freely. My stepson used to talk real badge about me to his mom when he would go there but his mom would also talk real battle bout me and he’d come back and tell me about it I never said anything about about his mother I always said nice things about her and told him that 1 day man her would be friends that helped him a lot but not having his mom all the time he definitely went through some things in school and with his grandparents and things like that not having one parent really does affect a child in a badd way so maybe get to how she’s feeling about that set down and talk to her letter express her feelings and her thoughts and explain about the lying and the bed behavior Communication is key in any relationship even where the child she need to feel heard I don’t know I’d say letter play basketball and not the other 2 things

If SHE doesn’t want to come around y’all, don’t make her. She’ll come back when and if she’s ready. Stop paying for fun if she doesn’t care.


Try family counseling n her single couseling

Do not give in until she respects you and her siblings. Don’t give her any more until she acts right. I’d take away any extra things you pay for now also.

Not only would she not be playing basketball, all the other extracurricular would cease until that behavior changed. You don’t get to be disrespectful and expect to do things you want to do. No ma’am!!!


If she lives half the time with the grand mother and half with the father where is the mother? Seems to me she’s pretty good at reading people and exploiting them. 1. You need family counseling. 2. You need to set a definite plan of disciplinary action. This action needs to carry over from one house to the other if not she’s just going to play both houses against each other to get out of doing anything she has to do or any of her responsibilities.


Counselling. You ALL need to go to counselling, and work together as a family to sort shit out.

I’m guessing all of the above commenting are step mothers… I’d let her go live w grandma and see the grass isn’t as green on the other side. Don’t take her to activities. If grandma wants to take care of her so be it. Get her your every other weekend and she will see what’s going on. She is starting to develop hormones and has lots of emotions esp if her siblings are yours together. And I’m almost positive by this post you treat her as the step daughter and not a daughter. If you think kids cant feel that you are wrong.


She definitely needs some consequences to her bad behavior. A stiff reminding about who pays and brings her to these activities are in order and if she dont straighten up I would be taking them away.

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She sounds like she needs some counselling. Obviously she is in some emotional pain from whatever trauma she endured my advice is to take her to see someone who can help her sort out her feelings. I know for sure she does not hate you, she’s just in a lot of pain and she uses her bad behaviour to disguise her pain.

Counseling FOR SURE. All should go or have a hand in. You dad & g ma and her mom if possible.

Grandmother should not have to pay for anything!!! And why doesn’t her father have custody???

She’s playing both sides and you’re letting her quite frankly. Are you forcing her into these activities? If so, STOP! If not, then take one away and don’t allow basketball and see if she stops her crap.


Nope hold your ground and keep your boundaries. Seek counseling as shes only 9 and at this rate you dont want her out of control at 15. Dont feel guilty and w that attitude id give her some military chores, washing floors or something. Grandma needs to not be a maryr and let herself be manipulated.

She is 9!!! Take a deeper look at what is going on with this child. I’m almost certain there is a reason for this behavior. She needs consistency.

You are right in not accommodating her wish for basketball lessons - and you should stop all other activities as well. At the end of the day, bad behavior should not be rewarded. When she learns that lies and disrespect will not be tolerated then she can have her activities back. Sit her down and get to the bottom of this, put rules and consequences in place. Tough love brings up good people. Don’t let guilt parenting bring up a brat. Good luck dear. It’s never easy.


STOP all activities, all electronics and tell her when she behaves she may resume. Take away for at least a month. Nip it in the bud now.

No playing basketball is a reward juat like dance should be. It sounds like she is trying to play both sides of thefl fence. Good luck amd just stick to your guns
Girls usually give you a run for your money cuz they’re stubborn but trust me it won’t last.

She probably misses her real mom

Stop activities…she should not be allowed to be rewarded for bad behavior. And grandma obviously has a hand in this, she is enabling the behavior. Maybe someone should have a chat with her.

I say let her play basketball. It’s going to keep her busy and work off some of that aggression she is holding onto for some reason or another. See how she acts after and if she is still disrespectful then take it away. Sit her down and tell her what will happen if she continues with her attitude. Kids need direction. Believe it or not they WANT you to discipline them. My son would always say Mom why don’t you ground me when being a little shit. Lol

Overcompensating for guilty feelings doesn’t reach kids anything for starters! And 2nd strip her of everything so she can learn that respect and doing things you enjoy are earned. Don’t turn her into another kid who thinks they are entitled to shit. Consequences!!! Be the parent!!!


she probably has one side talk about about the other and ask her 21 questions. my daughter does that cause she was so used to hearing her dad talk bad about me

I would just tell her what’s up. Talk to her not like a child but as an adult. We know your game and we’re not giving you what you want until you act right. Tell her everything you know she’s done. Professional counseling help might be more beneficial than basketball. Smh.

She’s being manipulative with all.of you. Take it all away and stop coddling her

Let her know
Your house , your rules.When she’s in your home she has to go by your rules. If you have to write them on a piece of paper and put it on your refrigerator so she can see them as a reminder. If she is too much out of control then get her professional help. It will get worst as she gets older if you don’t nip it in the butt now. Remember , you are the parent.

Sounds like you have to talk to her honestly about her choices and options! You sound as though you do enough! Hoping for you all to have a great talk and positive outcome!

9 is hard. I lost my mom. But… be consistent ! No now is no later. No favors for miss behaving. Be firm. Your house is ground Zero with different rules. I was a single parent. 2 boys!!!

It’s a privilege to get to do things like that. When I was growing up I was a cheerleader. When I had a bad attitude or got grounded that meant from that too. I had to explain to my coach and other cheer mates why I wasn’t there. So no. You shouldn’t let her do it until she can learn to show you and her father some respect!!!

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Exactly it’s a Privilege not a necessity. You don’t have to do it at all. All depends on her behavior!!!

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Bottom Line - It’s a Privilege, not a Necessity. Privileges need to be earned… if she doesn’t deserve to go then she shouldn’t. Otherwise you’re enabling her behavior and creating a monster. Stand Firm.

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First of all y’all have been playing tugawar with her. Has she has been with her grandmother for a while. Where is the mother? This could be part of the problem. It sounds like this little girl needs counseling from a neutral party. Why are y’all so determined to take her away from the grandmother? This and the missing mother are probly a big part of the problem.

Stand your ground! Bad behaviors do not get kids what they want. Tell her next season of basketball she can sign up for that instead of dance


A 9 year old child in the middle of a custody battle is awful, sounds like family intervention or therapy is needed. If the child is rude and disrespectful then you still need to discipline her and take away activities that she enjoys until she can straighten up.

If she is happy where she is and says that she is unhappy with you, why would you force it

No it’s not wrong. Stand your ground girl

Amen a good ass warming