I feel your pain! I have an 8 year old boy diagnosed asd, odd and hyper mobility syndrome. He is fantastic at going to school however they do have problems with him in school due to his temper. He can be quite difficult at times and unfortunately his school don’t know how to handle him. I also have a 14 year old boy who is on the pathway for asd and odd plus he has a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. My 14-year olds is under CAMHS and is currently waiting for an appointment for CBT. We have had huge problems with him going to school through over a year now. He is currently on a reduced timetable going and 3 hours in the afternoon. We have also tried rewarding good behaviour and punishing bad behaviour and nothing seemed to work with him. We actually had a pre Court meeting in December regarding is attendance at school. I haven’t got any advice really just stick at it and know that you’re not alone xx
Praying for your family. Sorry I have no advice but hang in there.
This is not a case of ADHD, more along the lines of rebellion! I have a ADHD and a ashburgursyndrome autism. He done this when he was small alot, along with getting in trouble in school. We had a great councilor that taught us so little tools that helped so much. First one was put him on a schedule and stay consistent. Going on year 6 and I have to say it’s been great. It just takes alot of trial and error of finding the right balance for your child. I wish you all the best of luck because I know how difficult this situation can be and how stressful also.
I have more questions before I can give answers. What kind of therapy is he in? I do know that no matter what kind, it gets harder before it gets better. Did he sustain some kind of trauma or abuse? Totally not an accusation but this makes ADHD and ODD much worse! Is he taking medication for ADHD? My son is on a non stimulant, Intunive, to help him manage his impulses. I too homeschool my son because he couldn’t handle regular school. We struggled the whole first year, and a half…, but we’re getting there now. I have a lot more questions about the homeschool method you use as well because that might cause conflict as well.
He has emotional issues bc he wants his mom. I. Not sure on background but kids do not understand I am pretty sure that’s source . Maybe dad can forge a relationship with his mom to help him.
Does he sleep good? Breath with his nose or mouth?
Alot of kids get misdiagnosed with adhd when really they’re not getting enough oxygen while they sleep. Could be tonsils/adenoids… if he’s a mouth breather I would check into that.
Join pages with families going through similar. It’s been a godsend for us. My son is asd/pda it’s hard, and I am the only parent in the equation. If you can co- parent with his mum, and keep the rules as constant in both households, it will make things easier. Good luck, it’s awesome that he has 2 homes that want to make it work x
Sounds to me that he made need some medicine for his moods and other problems. I would make him earn everything back and not give him anything at all. Make a point system for him and make one of the main goals as following instructions, chores, and kindness. Make him earn 10,000 points a week. In order to get tv time and some console or any privelege back. Take everything out of his room except clothes and his bed. Show him that his behavior will lead to destructive behavior and will lead him eventually in jail if he doesnt start following rules and respecting you as a parent. Teenage years are the toughest, especially when dealing with boys but also boys with mental developments. Lock your bedroom door for now on so he cant go in there to watch tv. Get him to a behavioral specialist before its too late. He will eventually start hitting you if you dont nip this in the but. Make him sit at the table. Anytime he leaves, grab him and walk his butt right back to that table to do his work. You have to be just as tough or even tougher with him as he is with you. Its going to be a hard journey but you love him enough to seek out for help. So I hope peoples advice really help. Good luck
I dont know your situation but what if you or your spouse sat down with him and helped him get into the school work? My 15 year old didnt want to do it till she seen I’d let her play games after for a few hours if she did her work.
As a mom with a child with ADD and ODD, I couldn’t imagine homeschooling.
Peer pressure is sometimes a good thing. It definitely helps my son keep his outbursts in check when other kids are watching. Also, When his ADD isn’t managed well, his ODD is worse. If he can’t focus on his work, he gets frustrated, then immediately gets angry. When his ADD if managed well, then he’s able to work through his emotions more level headed and doesn’t immediately get angry.
Take his stuff out of his room, you do not negotiate with kids if they are not willing to do what is asked of them
Omg this is my 8 yr old godson completely!!
Ellie Earhart idk if this is of any help to you or not
Quit taking his stuff away and instead on punishing him,how about seating down and talk to him,instead of always trying to discipline,how about seating down and talking to him and try to understand him,because always taking his stuff and disciplining will only make everything worse when somebody needs to seat down,stop taking his stuff away,and talk to him and try to understand him instead.
I’d suggest a behavioral therapist if he’s not already seeing one. Also structured schedules that are consistent. Everyday at a certain time I’d have him doing a certain chore. Start with the one that he’s most likely to enjoy, maybe vacuuming? After a month or so of him consistently doing that, I’d add on another like taking out the trash/recyclables or dishes. I think having him on a routine schedule will work well with him. Also cut down on the screen time. It seems like he’s into an acceptable routine of choosing tv when given a task to do. When he does that, unplug the tv and take the wire. Put it in your car and lock it until he finishes the chore/task. This could work for homework too. I hope this helps
I would start by establishing a visual routine… write the routine and put it on the wall, include time for school work, chores and down time for video games and tv (after other things are completed).
Present it to him as something positive where he can earn his time on video games etc by completing the schools work and chores, if these things aren’t done then he doesn’t get them. Also at the end of the week if he has been following the routine then he can get pocket money for spending at the shop… he needs to use own money when buying things and save for more expensive items.
He is then accountable for his own behaviour (no need for continual punishment, just communication) and the consequences of doing the wrong thing. You are empowering him to make decisions that benefit him.
Idk, but the first thing I’d do is unplug the tv. Or lock your bedroom door.
I’m sure I’m about to piss some people off but if he’s acting out at certain specific times like you mentioned then that’s not a “disorder”. That’s him controlling his surroundings and you’re falling for it. Sometimes a good ass-whoppin goes a long way. So many people want to pop a pill into their kid’s mouth and that’s the cure all. Set that boy straight and quit saying his name with added acronyms behind it.
Omg, that’s my 12 year old too 
My son has the same thing. Put your son back in school take the tv and everything else from him. There’s no walking away in my house. They need strict direct instructions. Giving in will ruin all your hard work. Persistence is key. I found a reward system worked well I had a calendar that he got stickers for good behavior and completed chores. At the end of the week if he had X amout of stickers we would go to the dollar store and pick something small out or he could save up his stickers for something bigger at the end of the month. DO NOT MEDICATE it’s just going to take a little work between yourself and teachers unless you choose to continue homeschooling. Up to you but it worked for us my son now gets A’s in school always commented on how polite respectful and helpful he is. He comes home does his chores and homework then he is rewarded with being able to do what he wants until dinner and bed. Just keep at it good luck.
Not to say I know anything about your situation or your child, but from what you describe it sounds negative all around. Hes being oppositional, but at the same time theres no reward only punishment (from what it sounds like). He might be frustrated with his school work and might not understand, which can take alot out him mentally and emotionally. There should be time between homeschool and home. Like limit study and work to one area in the house. Personally with ADHD I cant focus if I’m not in an area that i usually work and that is not school related. It also helps if someone is there to sit with me and motivate me. Even setting little milestones with my work helps. The work also might not be interesting to him? Maybe even more structure outside of schooling could help. Letting him know what your daily plan could let him plan ahead, involve him in your plans for shopping and chores and why they need to be done. Sometimes he might just be crabby just cause, but maybe you could put him in a time out, as in make him go outside for 30 minutes. Hopefully this helps?
Don’t give in. Sounds like he’s pushing your buttons and getting away with it.
Just know that at the age your son is at now his condition wil spike due to the massive hormonal changes his body is going through as he enters puberty…My son went through the same thing at this time in his life it would be good for you to get him into some kid of martial arts sport…I say marcial arts because all the movement’s and combinations you use in martial arts get the left side and right side of the brain communicating which is something they find hard to do …My son gained a lot of confidence through this my other son choose to play golf cause it helped him to learn how to concentrate on one thing at a time he will pan out and won’t get into to much trouble if you channel his condition instead of fighting it he doesn’t have the same thought process as you and learns differently docos are another tool of learning
I took away ALL the power cords to all the tv’s, computers and video games when my son did that. I’m perfectly happy to read a book and not watch TV & I don’t need the wifi at home. Took the cords to work, about 3 days of silence & he was ready to work
My son born in 1999 had the same issues. My advice tough love and stand your ground no matter what.
Today my son is a firefighter …
It gets better…
Good luck.
Dont negotiate w a tiny terrorist. Empty his room. When the days work is done he earns 1 thing back. If he fits in public it’s gone.
I pray that God will give families who are trying to deal with, what must seem, insurmountable problems, strength and wisdom. I can’t but imagine your constant pain…you are not only dealing with their personalities, but as they age, their bodily strength. I’m trusting that your family can have respite care…you need it…Love & Blessings
Why do all the spanking comments get deleted???
He probably needs meds to help him w his emotions. And maybe try talking to him to see what would help. If hes homeschooled, he might feel cut off from the world and lonely, on top of the normal frustrations. I felt like that when i was homeschooled so i gave up and didnt want to do my work. Try getting him into a sport to help him keep/make friends. Just talk to him and let him know whos boss and whats expected of him
My boys both had it they’re grown now but it’s a battle that breaks a mother’s heart.they try you at every turn.one half of you wants to break down and cry the other wants to shove your foot in their ass.taking things away they just fight back harder.dont give in stand your ground.he is having trouble with schoolwork so he will give you hell hang in there.itveill be worth it later he will see you won’t budge.
My son started acting out on his 13th birthday. My husband walked downstairs to his party and caught him n his friends smoking weed. It has went downhill from there. he stopped going to school all together, even the cops can’t force him to go. He is stealing and breaking into businesses.amd so much more. He stole guns from. Walmart last week and shot out a car window. And Soo much more. My point is. I have no idea how to get it under control but you have to figure out how now or it will get worse. Good luck
Sadly i ended up having to institutionalize my son… 
there are intensive therapy plans you can follow with his therapist. Make sure you are present for at least part of those sessions.
Is he medicated? In therapy?
I have a daughter who is the same way. She is homeschooled as well due to behavior and issues with the school. When she refuses to do anything. We take EVERYTHING that could entertain her. I mean everything. I know I’ll get backlash for this, but its what works and has been approved by her Dr and psychologist. She has to earn the entertainment items by doing her schooling and chores. If she refuses to still not do it, she’s not allowed to do anything more than sit in her “cool down” spot until she decides to do what is required.
Yes, the meltdowns will still happen, but they have become much less over the past few months.
Basically refusal to do things results in only meals, bedtime, and cool down time. That’s all. If a meltdown is extremely bad then she has to go to her own room until she can be calm around her siblings and us.
talk to his drs about cbd, and if you are in a legal state about edibles or oils for the boy.
Sometimes medication is the right thing to do. You can also file incorrigibility on him, and then it is a probation officer and judge telling him what he can and cannot. Of course, I don’t think either of those measures are the first things a parent should do, but it sounds like, if he isn’t being medicated that that is part of the issue.
Sometimes, when we deny our kids the medicines that “we don’t believe in or don’t they they need” cause more harm for him in the long run in life.
This kid needs more than therapy. Don’t be that parent that denies him the chance to grow because you don’t think something is necessary.
READ THE BOOK “you can’t make me but you can persuade me” it helped us so much.
This is best asked to your therapy team not Facebook
Your son’s specific circumstances and disorder require a personal tailored approach
You and your husband should be attending regular therapy to get input on how to best parent and help him succeed
My 10 yr old is ADHD,ODD,AD and nearly everything else… My son goes to a behavioral school and it works amazing. I mean he’s still a little shit(I say that with love) at home but for a kid who made his kindly teacher quit an was suspended twice and didn’t finish the year out,he loves his school. Maybe look into that and don’t let your step son hold your family to ransom…
You ask or you tell?
IF OP IS WATCHING. HERES AN AMAZING GROUP FOR SUPPORT FOR CHILDREN LIKE OURS.
I have homeschooler that doesn’t do book work… and another that loves it.
Maybe try a different apporach to the homeschooling. I sent the non-book kid to find the volume of crap around the house since she likes measuring. Whenever she has choosen her item i found the formula or gave her an option of formulas to use so she could write it out and then use a calculator. Threw in history on a Netflix documentary. By the end of the day was like fuck it heres the bills balance the checkbook. She likes money too. Counted it as reading. And some extra math. We’ve done many things that are slightly off like that. Like hey we are gonna go grocery shopping here are the ads… tell me about pricing. And what meals you want to eat. Find the recipes I’ll help cook. She does the budget. It stopped the extra screaming for crap… She still learns… the book stuff. I save it for the days it looks we are going to make progress.
My step kids suffered from PTSD ADHD odd and motor and mental delays. We worked on reword charts. And visuals. Find out how he learns my step kids. We’re both tactical and visual learners. So charts routine and rewards are best. We use the corner as time out. And sitting on hands in a chair. Work on co regulation and breathing techniques. Sitting down and talking can only be done once they’ve calmed down and breathed. We also had a behaviouralist who worked worh us for awhile as well. Try to be more lack on the discipline (choose your battles I know it’s easier said then done trust me).
Also we did integrated days at school. So they started going for less then half the day then half the day then 30min incriments of going up of Ur looking to go back into partial schooling.
Otherwise make sure he has breaks and outlets. Our behaviourist said squishy things and being able to throw a ball fr hand to hand were great ways to come down and let their brain use a different part of its self so it was no longer in emotional mode. Feel free to pm me good luck
All I can offer you are my prayers. God bless you and your family during this struggle.
Feel your pain i have 2 just like this. Meds can help but my problem is i cannot get them to take the meds. They right now r losing out on a disney 7 day vacation in march because they fight all the time…
Get him on hikes! Sign him up for swimming and gymnastics. He needs to socialize and get his energy out. If he is homeschooled do it through a resource center at least.
My boys (13 and 9) have the same disorders. My 13 year old is on meds but my 9 year old isn’t. The meds don’t help much.
My 11yr old step daughter has ADHD and ODD we are still trying to find what works best for her. Medication has helped tremendously for school but it is worn off by the time she gets home. So her behaviors pretty much only happen at home.
Meds!!! He needs therapy someone who gives and monitor his meds, counseling every week to talk about things and behavior modification counseling. Maybe even some home therapy and counseling for parents with kids with this. Also talk to different schools and see what they have to offer your child. See about state funded programs for during the week for his condition.
It sounds like he’s got defiant disorder along with ADHD
Good luck! Both mine are medicated and it’s still a struggle.
I’m following, I have a 13 year old boy and 14 year old girl who act the same as your son. Also have ADHD and odd.
Hold on tight. I went through the same thing with my SD. Good luck.
Find a way to engage him in school that doesnt seem like school…make it fun for him
I cannot stress enough how important structure can be for children like this! Schedules, charts ect. Also if you tell them “no tv until your work is done” the absolutely always stick with it. My oldest went weeks with no TV, no computer, videos games or music devices. It sucked but he eventually understood I would stand my ground. It’s not as simple as discipline for a child without these issues. I found that lots of physical activity seemed to burn off some of the anger. Also rewards for good behavior worked better than almost anything. Example: he wants to watch tv. 15 minutes for every assignment he finishes. It’s up to him how much time he gets. Also homeschooling can be amazing with some kids bc you dont have to stick to books. Someone already gave great examples of alternative tasks. Measuring random things in the house. Measuring for cooking. Math by helping with grocery shopping and budgeting. History is more interesting with videos or trips to local historic sites. Reading material that interest him not some paragraph that he doesnt care about.
Get him on a firm schedule. Have absolutely everything laid out, each subject, times with specific chores, leave an empty space where if he completes everything for the day, that’s when he can have free time (video games, tv, the stuff he enjoys) or that space can be used for more schoolwork or chores if he didn’t utilize his time properly. This part may suck for you but get a padlock that will fit through the hole of the plug in for the tvs. He can’t watch tv if he can’t plug it in 
Definitely put your foot down, it’s just going to accelerate because he sees he can get away with shit when his dads not home
Did he have an IEP while in public school? If not, it might be time to obtain one and have him go back.
So my son has severe ADHD and has some behavioral issues to go along with this. He is on a medication in the morning that has calmed him down a lot as well a mild one on the afternoon to mellow him out a little once hes home because his morning meds wear off by the time he gets out of school. Along with this we have also got him on a very structured schedule so he when he is home he knows what he needs to get done when and it works really well. We also try to keep him engaged in sports because they actually have helped him a lot with socializing and makin friends and he seems much calmer during sports seasons. At school he has a plan with the teacher that allows him some extra time for testing and certain things along with some extra help when needed. He was failing school when this started and is now making all A’s and B’s. Every child is different and some need more structure than others. Its a tough, tiring, and trying road but it gets better and easier once you find what works
I would get some expert advice on how to deal with him. I would also consider a half day at a school and home school for the rest.
If hes diagnosed talk to the child behavioural specialist. Hes also 12. Puberty is going to be rough. Its best to talk to the specialist to find the proper ways if handling a child with a disorder that causes aggression to others or self harm. (Mom to 2 with Autism)
My stepson has ADD and ODD. His counselor always told us that we had to be firm with our rules and whenever he would get out of hand we were to walk away until he calmed down. We found a give and take in the control aspect of his ODD by giving him options (do you want to do the dishes before or after dinner?) stuff like that
Definitely a schedule and routine…
Also you could try reward system…
You do work… either homework or chores then so many hours with computer or TV…
Hormones and disorders is going to be hard .you cannot waffle on rules…
Talk with hubby…set up schedule that works for you both…stand together…
Please join an ADHD group it will help a lot
Therapist is much better than a counselor.
Talk to the school. If theres electives he enjoys have him start the day with them so he has something to do at school he enjoys. Atleast it will get him there and get him in some special education classes that have less students and less distractions.
I would definitely talk to his doctor about changing his medication. My son is 11 years old with ADHD and defiance disorder as well. We have had to try a couple different medications over the years. Adderall and ritalin made him very focused but angry and aggressive. Focolin has made him less over focused but very happy go lucky.
If you love them, let them experience the negative effects of their behavior. I worked with Zig Ziegler with my ODD son. Show them that you will go to bat for them, will translate for them, make them understand their displaced anger, show how to tolerate people’s behavior in a relaxed neutral way. Let them be accountable for their social behavior.
Love, love, love
There are a lot of great comments here to try and I agree with schedules, possibly medication and the counseling for sure…but I do have a question with regards to the post. I assume shes stays at home with her son and dad works while she home schools their son. Is it possible that he knows he can push her to wits end? The post states he wont take responsibility or do what is asked unless her husband forces him to. I think there may be something with mom that enables the child to behave this way when he knows he will be able to get away with it and with whom. Counseling for all the family members and parenting strategy coach for mom might be something to try.
Where is mom in all this? Mom and dad need to be helping their child through this. You have taken someone else’s child and isolated them with you. I wouldn’t like you either if you, not my parent, were homeschooling me…First things first stop isolating the poor kid. Put him in school. I was homeschooled and it sucks ass, I’d be pissed off too and it will do home zero favours in the future.
Get him to a psychiatrist, not a counselor or therapist. See about medication. It helps a lot of is with ADHD.
ADHD and difiance disorder are DISORDERS. He isn’t just choosing to be thing way and taking away videos tv etc will do nothing but make it all worse. You’ve taken someone who has 30x the mental energy going in all directions and taken the one or 2 outlets they have left since you took away their school.
This perfectly describes my daughter yet undiagnosed despite me telling g them it seems like odd! Currently diagnosed with PTSD.
My grandson has ODD very difficult to handle.
You need help. His mother, father, you, a therapist, medication, giving him school work he enjoys ‘only’. You’re overstretching yourself trying to do many people’s work all by yourself. He is ill, it’s not anyone’s fault. But one person can’t heal him
My daughter has
ADD/ADHD
ODD
conduct disorder
Early childhood trauma disorder with negative social interaction and a few other diagnosis she is also home schooled and such feel free to message me as I’m not comfortable speaking on a public forum 
If hes on meds, certain medicines wont work on him. I have ADHD and all the meds the doctors had me try when I was younger either made it worse and I couldn’t focus, or just made me sleepy. And also, you’re doing the job of multiple people. Take a step back and take a breather, it could be many things that’s making him act out. My mom even tried one of my medications when I was younger and it just made her do one thing stop do another stop do another, she couldn’t get anything done that day. Take everything into consideration from medicine to what is in the food or snacks he eats. Theres some dyes he might not be able to handle, do your research on everything you possibly can hon. And remember take a step back and take a breather when you’re at your wits end. It’ll help you more than you think. You’re doing a great job taking on so many jobs and being an amazing momma