I have been with my husband for five years. A few years ago, we had caught our then 13-year-old son (my stepson) inappropriately messaging an 11-year-old girl. We did what we thought, at the time, the right thing and messaged the girl’s parents, handled it how we all saw fit, and that was the end of it. That was the first sexual encounter we had had with any of our children. Although we had not necessarily handled it exactly appropriately, given the situation that it was, I think we handled it fairly well. Now, my biological son has been caught googling things on our family computer that is inappropriate. My husband wants to shut it down. He wants to tell my son that this is absolutely inappropriate for his age and that anything in depth will come at a later date. I, however, do not agree with this. With our past history of sexual talks, I feel that it may shut my son down into a place where he no longer wants to talk to us. I feel that speaking to him and telling him that although he is too young for that, if you have any questions, please come to us and let us know. I’m kind of at a loss of what to do about this. Should I let the man, my husband, handle this? Or should I step in and say that I am the mom and that what I say goes. I was a single mom for five years, so I semi-prepared myself for these talks. But I’m not sure what to do without angering my husband.
Talk to them. They’ll either hear it from you or someone else.
You dont get to step into parenting his child but then expect him to step out of parenting yours. His opinion matters and you should be deciding together.
You talk to your son
Well you left out a lot of details. Your sons age and what he was looking at. You also helped punish his kid so why shouldn’t he get to help punish yours?
Have an open conversation with your son and put blockers on the computers so he can’t look up any inappropriate content. Yelling at him and making him feel bad for it will only make him shut down and not come to you with that stuff
I mean… You had a say on how to handle the situation with your step son why shouldn’t your husband be allowed to do the same? If you’re both raising these children it is 50/50 on what is done discipline wise.
You should both sit down with him & talk it out. Have an age appropriate discussion about things with him & let him know that it’s okay to be curious.
Do what you feel is right. I also think you’re right, shutting it down aggressively will make your son shut down. He will not talk to you.
You sound like you are just trying to shelter your kid. From you husband and us all
Don’t make sex a “bad thing.” Make it an open conversation so that he feels comfortable coming to you (his parents,) for advice.
His opion matters allow him go deal with it, however maybe you two can speak privately and make a collective decision.
Compromise. Shut off the computer & talk to your son.
I agree with you, it is inappropriate but if he has questions to ask. Put parental controls on all devices. But, do not use the I’m mom so what I say goes approach with your husband you two need to talk to him together and be on the same page.
Discuss it openly. If your husband crosses a line that may have negative impacts on your child then draw a line.
I don’t think he should be punished for looking at nudies lol… It’s probably just time to have a talk about protection, consent and just the general sex talk. If you punish him, he might think it’s unnatural and wrong and that may put him in a weird place when it comes to relationships when he’s older…
I will be telling my daughter about everything so she has a good understanding once I find out she’s trying to know more. You should talk with your husband and let him know you want to do this with your child.
While I agree with your way of handling the situation, I do not agree with pulling the “I’m the mom” card. Before anything happens, you and hubby need to get on the same page.
Give him some porn and some tissues. Leave him alone for a while. Hell figure it out lol
Why is it ok to embarrass HIS son and it’s not ok to embarrass YOURS ? …what kind of 13 year old boy in 2020 is gonna AsK HiS moMmY questions about him wanting to see or do sexual things?? Just leave the kid alone jesus.youre gonna make him feel even more weird about natural things…block the crap on the family computer so he cant do it in front of everybody and hell find another way like his phone or tablet or whatever just like every other normal human 
Shut the stuff down you’re raising a pervert
Puberty. It’s hard enough without getting in trouble for being curious. Honestly I’d try just talking to him for now and if it keeps happening put restrictions on the computers.
I think you and you husband need to have a private conversation and get on the same page. I personally would do my best to keep from making you son feel bad about this situation. Explain he is too young and it is not appropriate for his age and it is not allowed but that it is completely natural to be curious. Let him know if he has questions or wants to tslk about anything he can always ask you or your husband anything.
Tell your sons that dick is abundant and of low value. Tell them that they need to step up as men. Teach them that being turned down for sex is normal. Teach then that rape and objectification of women is wrong
I always speak with my son in private first before anyone as I think it’s easier for him to open up to me than anyone else and it makes him feel more comfortable. Do what feels better for him so he will open up and speak with you. No sense in having anyone else there if he’s going to shut down.
If his bio dad is in the picture he should be having this convo with him too. And it should be between you and him, if not, and this stepdad is his only father figure, you both need to agree and go from there. But ALWAYS your son should be able to come and ask anything.
I’d be wondering where they learned it and got the idea. That’s what I’d want to know first. Make sure they are safe!
It’s always best to talk as openly as possible according their age and ability to comprehend about their bodies and as they get older about sex and if he is looking things up in his own then it is past time to start talking so the husband is wrong in just wanting to shut things down and not talk. Talk to your husband and try to get him to understand how it didn’t work so well with the first one so it’s time to try and be more open this time around but you do need to put limits in place and monitor all internet activity. My kids had to share all passwords with me until they turned 18 so I could check on things as I saw fit and it proved to be vital for their safety more than once.
Imagine your husband told you his way goes. How would you feel?
Always make yourself available to talk about ANY subject, especially sex. You’re right to put your foot down on the online use and say that the behavior was inappropriate, but leave room for conversation about what he was looking for and why. Taking the taboo out of it by having a frank discussion can often help nip such behavior in the bud. And knowing he can come talk to you about it will definitely help in later years.
I personally would sit hubby down and explain why you shouldnt just shut it all down, and instead create an open environment for your children to come to you. Then I would sit down with both of my kids and have a talk about openness and what you expect from them going forward. Tell them that curiosity is normal and you understand why they did what each of them did, but that now you have to protect them from things that arent quite appropriate for their age so parental controls must go on all devices. Shaming them and making them feel punished will either make you early grandparents or parents of kids that have little to no confidence in their parents trusting them, which means they will rebel.
Ask him at what age he started to do things and become curious.
Its normal for teenage boys to want to see, you need to talk to him like a somewhat adult so he can trust that he can come to you guys with questions rather then thinking you guys are just going to shut him down and reprimand him for being curious
I would limit the computer time and address it differently I would explain to him that it’s not appropriate to do and that if he has questions or needing answers then to feel free that no matter what he can come to you and ask you or your husband and he needs to be on same page as you are and ready to have a man talk remind your husband he to once was that age and curiosity got him as well
Peoples ideas of inappropriate vary.
You both sound unapproachable and unrealistic.
It’s normal for preteens and above to be curious about sex and bodies and all that go with hormones.
You should both read some parenting books or listen to audio books about kids and stages, being strict and how to speak about these topics.
Most kids learn from their school mates (the basics) anyways.
The way the first situation was handled sounds almost embarrassingly traumatic…
no matter if your single or with someone, talks about sex and bodies should be and should have been brought up subtly…
My gosh… how did the two of you learn and how would you feel…
Now if your kids were just running amuck grabbing and assaulting some kids that would be different…
I’d be more interested to know how the comment goes over about it being YOUR SON AND WHAT YOU SAY GOES…being that you both handled his son’s issue together and that he has been raising and helping support your son for 5 years??
Unless you plan on breaking down every question super openly and compassionately then expect him to keep searching, and probably still would keep searching.
Don’t traumatize him for wanting answers to things and looking them up.
I would have pretended not to notice.
I wouldn’t shut it down… That’s just going to cause him to do it behind your backs.
Talk talk talk. Doesnt matter who talks to him. Its not “a man’s job to talk to the male child”. That’s a load of bs. Talk to ur son if ur husband wont. Period. Talk in private so he doesnt get embarrassed. Tell him just because ur a women, doesnt mean anything. Your an adult human and you know about all the stuff he may wonder about, and if your unsure, you will try ur best to find out and talk to him about it. Dont leave it up to ur husband just because hes a guy…lol…be open and 150% honest. That’s your child…
Girl leave them kids alone 
they ain’t harming anybody. I started watching porn when I was 10 and I was always normal. They’re fine.
Puberty is hard. Don’t embarrass or humiliate them. It’s ok and completely natural to be curious about, read about or even google. However, you need to teach the importance of respecting others and keeping those things private and in their rooms.
So he was looking at porn… Calm down. Lol
Just because you’re the mom doesn’t mean what you say goes…that just isn’t right when you’re BOTH equal parents. And undermining the other parent is horrible idea 
You & your husband, his FATHER figure, need to be grown up and sit down to discuss what needs to be done together.
There should be parental controls to block certain things maybe
How are so many of you against how the situation was handled w the stepson? The parent of the 11 girl damn sure needed to be notified of what was going on so that they could talk to her as well. I can’t be the only person on here who realizes this…???
You need to respect your husband 1 and talk to him first and tell him how you want to handle it and go from there. But I do think children will be curious and I think it’s better to have open communication and they shouldn’t feel ashamed for looking and having questions its human nature.
If you disagree with how your husband wants it handled then it sounds like the biggest issue is dealing with your own disagreement on the topic. Taking it upon yourself to do it the way YOU want it handled does nothing but cause conflict between you and the husband! You should be on the same page or come to some median ground if you cant agree
Let your husband handle it his way and without disrespecting your husband and any punishment he sets forth just sit down and talk to your son. Also let your son understand that you are there to talk if he needs to but what dad says has to be enforced.
My husband (not my kids’ father) had to have “the talk” with our son. I tend to be very blunt and the kids don’t always like it, so I knew hubby had to take the lead on this. I’m not thrilled the result was buying my 13 year old condoms, but I married him wanting a parenting partner. So I have to trust that he will do right by my kids. In your shoes, I would point out how things were handled in the past and suggest we go a similar route.
I get where you are coming from BUT…you said you helped him with his son but you basically don’t want him to have a say in what happens with your son? That’s a double standard. Sit down with your husband and have a chat with him. The boy is curious, yes, but he is not messaging little girls inappropriately like the other boy did so this will need to be handled differently. Did you have the sex talk with his son? Tell him what he did was inappropriate? Tell him if he had questions to come to yall? If you wanna have that talk with your son the talk needs to be done with the other child too.
They are teenagers lol, good luck trying to shut it down, there friends will just show them. They are curious talk with them about it and what your family thinks is appropriate and not appropriate. If we where all so skidish about sex you wouldn’t have kids to ask questions about lol
How old is your biological son? You guys handled your stepson as a united front, and you guys need to handle your biological son as a united front.
Talk to your child but also have some sort of parental control on your devices.
Idk now old “your son” is, but the most important thing to know is that ALL children or people in general are generally curious about sex and the human body. It’s not a bad thing at all. BUT a talk about BOUNDARIES should be had with all of this kids no matter who they belong to. Explain that it’s ok to be curious ( because it is) but there’s a time an place for curiosity, the potential of bad things that could come from searching stuff like viruses, pedos or even ending up on something that is wrong and illegal to watch. Be open and honest, do not punish, set expectations and rules.
Depends how old the bio son is? Just talk with him, never just shut it down or he wont talk to you (speaking from experience) explain it is inappropriate content but being curious is natural
I sit down and talk to my girls about everything. Puberty. The natural urges and wants to see it. I also explain that porn is very unrealistic and can warp their young minds in ways that have consequences.
Educational books about puberty, sex and what to expect are important.
But never shame them for natural curiosity about sex.
But definitely need parental Controls on any devices children use.
Also No mom domt have veto power and neither does dad. Their need to be more communication and fair compmrise.
No your sons behavior is normal. He has a computer instead of a play boy under his mattress.
What is inappropriate is his going online & having this stuff on the computer. Younger kids can accidentally find it or he could unknowingly download virus & other nasty stuff based on his browsing.
It is time to have a talk about what is appropriate for the pc & put some parental locks.
Your husband can be respected as your husband, but if he is not the boys dad, you handling it is best.
It depends on how old your bio son is?
Take him to the book store and buy an age appropriate book on the body and be open to questions
Provide materials for your son and make sure he knows his sexual heath is important… teach what’s appropriate and whats not. Every teenage boy goes threw this but how you handle it determines how open he will be with you
He’s curious, which is super normal for kids. Having parental controls or limiting access to the internet will just make him want it even more and it’s going to be “a big deal” because “mother doesn’t want me to see it”. Believe me, if he wants to watch porn, he will find a way. His friends have phones.
If you make it weird, or if you’re a dick about it, he will never talk to you about sex questions.
The only right decision here is to talk to him and tell him everything about sucking, fucking, and anal. Tell him it’s a normal thing. Make the distinction between porn and real fucking. Teach him about consent. You have to tell him these things before he learns it from movies, TV, or porn.
Ahh the joyous age of teenage boys… get ready for the one sock that appears in the wash basket.
They are typical teens curious. About sex.
Its called puberty and the kids will find a way to get the answers if not from you, from somewhere else. Wouldn’t you prefer explaining sex to them rather than some stranger or an older kid that teaches them through hands on experience? Sit down with your kids and tell them in detail and answer all their questions cause they will find out with or without you.
Honestly it’s sad that everyone is saying this is normal. Only because this day and age it is. Middle school aged kids are learning about porn sites and where to find it all from their peers. Pulling the mom card is dangerous. I think you and your husband should come up with talking points. ie, the dangers of porn for young brains, the dangers of addiction to porn, the dangers of viruses, pedophiles online searching for young boys and girls. If he’s looking at this stuff he’s old enough to hear it bluntly. But I believe your husband should be the one talking to him. Not you! Man on man conversation. Less embarrassing for the boy and he may be able to be more open without you sitting there looking at him. If your husband wants to “shut it down” let him. But get on the same page and make it judgement free. Set the boundaries and rules as well. If he’s on a device tell him he will have to be on it around everyone. No doors closed unless he’s sleeping or changing. All devices turned in at bed time. Just a few ideas. Remember you’re not alone. Do what you think is right in your family. Don’t let strangers on social media tell you how to raise your household.
There is no right way to do this stuff(parenting), each child is different, each parent is different and each situation is different. I started to talk to my son early and have an open relationship with my 14 year old and remind him that he can ask anything he needs to know, but sometimes i have to start the conversation to put him at ease that the questions and feelings he has is normal and part of life. These conversations have been difficult at times, but i echo others comments, I want him to learn from me, but i know his friends and society will be a big influence in his life. I have tried very hard to stress the importance of safety and respect for others. I wish you strength to address these issues, again there is no right way to handle these situations.
13 is not too young. My daughter is 11 and there are kids out there having sex at 12 & 13 so just talk to him. Its honestly better for him to watch & do things to himself rather than to someone else.
Talk to him. When I was in sixth grade there were girls in my class who were pregnant already, and their parents never thought to talk to them before it was too late. Talk. Encourage safety. He will do it whether you let him or not, because hormones are doing their magic.
I agree with you. You want open communication EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AND YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR IT. Read that again. I had to tell myself this over and over. I want open communication, even when it’s hard for me. Otherwise they do everything behind your back anyways