So can anyone tell me what's happening? Relationship question
So my bf/ unofficial fiance and I have been together for 9 years ( I’m 31 hes 32). I have a son ,he has a son and daughter and we have a daughter together so blended family with kids full time. He works for my family’s company and I do office work for the company while the older kiddos are in school and the baby stays with me at work. Lately we will get along all work day on phone and text just fine. We are even flirty with eachother. Sending tik toks back and forth. Then by the time he gets home and we are in person together we just argue and go to bed angry almost every single night. It’s like small sarcastic things get said or rude looks at eachother that just snowballs until we are in a argument.
We have had horrible past 9 years ( he has bi polar with huge manic episodes of cheating so many times, impulse, rage, property violence, mental emotional abuse, etc., refusal to acknowledge its bi polar, plus I think a few other mental imbalances and chilhood trauma) so I try to be forgiving bc I know he cannot control it all the time, however we agree and agree to break the cycle and be healthy to show our kids a healthy relationship. We do good for so Long then it slips backwards. We want to work to become better but it’s hard in the moment. It’s gotten to where recently we do not fight out loud and try to avoid eachother until kids are asleep so we are not doing that in front of them. The nit picky arguing has been going on for about a month straight.
Does this happen to anyone else or does anyone have advice. I want this work so badly . He says he does also. And we love each other we just can’t figure out the day to day.
I guess my question is does any one have advice on how to break the nit picky annoyed with each other arguments? Tia
Whenever my fella and I bicker over silly things there’s generally a resentment behind it, most recently we were both a bit resentful to the other about money, since the birth of our daughter we have both been thinking we were putting way more into the pot than the other, when we sat and talked about finances we realised we were pretty even it’s just that we weren’t discussing it with each other. Once that was cleared up we stopped nit picking and snide comments and got on a lot better, it’s happened a few times and there’s always some underlying resentment causing it, could be about something really silly but until it’s dealt with you’re just gonna keep arguing about every little thing. You both need to figure out what the underlying issue is and find a way to deal with that so you can get along again. Good luck
With the lengthy list of issues you posted, sounds like that relationship should have ended a long time ago. DV, abuse, cheating… those are things that shouldn’t be taken as acceptable behavior. Mental health/health issues are a different story, but only if the one suffering those issues seeks help. You’re in a cycle that it doesn’t sound like your partner wants to break. You allow this behavior, so this behavior continues and this is the example you set for your children.
Everyone has issues behind closed doors! Keep fighting for your marriage. You said you both want it. Do date night once a week even if it has to be during the day. Bring the spice back. At the end of the day you both are tired and worked a full day so be mindful of your words. You can only control yourself and the way you respond. He can’t argue with him self. Even if he is in an ugly mood stay happy! Counseling for sure though good luck proud of you for continuing a marriage even when it’s not the good stuff !
I am bipolar. I have NEVER cheated, destroyed property, etc… Don’t use his mental health as an excuse to be abusive. He’s abusive because he’s an asshole.
Not every mistake can be blamed on beibg bipolar. Like many people, I have a borderline personality disorder, but that doesn’t mean I can act any way I want. You’re not doing him, your kids, or yourself any favors by shoving all the hurtful and harmful things he does in the mental illness box and shoving it under the bed.
Whenever he starts an argument just don’t take the bait. Instead of starting with “You always …” Or “You never…” Try starting with “I feel…” so your partner doesn’t feel attacked and start defending themselves. Each of you probably needs a break from each other if you live and work together. Send him out for a day with one of his buddies. Go to lunch with one of your friends. And then find a sitter and the 2 of you go do something fun together.
Time away from each other but date.
You both need your space, so pick days where one would go out on their own and one would stay with the kids and then pick days where you guys go out on dates just the two of you.
Also, get him some help with his mental health. He needs a doctor to talk to and get him on the right medication to help his imbalance.
If it’s nit picky behavior and you know it is, why engage in it? It has to stop somewhere. The best way to stop it is not to engage in it to begin with. Don’t start with him and if he starts with you, walk away. Tell him that when he wishes to have a serious conversation about what is bothering him, to let you know. Go to another room away from him. Do the same when you feel yourself getting nit picky with him. Couples and individual therapy would be a good idea too.
Sounds like this relationship is doomed! Too many issues…I personally think you should get serious help.I would leave. Don’t think this will ever work.,even with meds or counseling.
I’m gonna be the odd ball out here. But I have to give my opinion/advice. I’ve been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years, 1 year engaged. & ill tell you straight up that there’s going to be times where you’re relationship seems petty. Like arguing about petty stuff and being mad at petty stuff. Having so much history with a person can be hard and overwhelming. With life going on around us constantly I think couples forget that both of you ARE A TEAM. YOU GUYS SHOULD WORK TOGETHER, NOT AGAINST EACHOTHER. Its time to look your partner in the face and remember why you chose them in the first place…be nice to eachother. Stop with all the side eyes and smart remarks (from both ends) and learn to smile and joke more. Yes its alot easier said than done because of everything yall been thru, but just take baby steps. It will get easier as time goes on i promise! You’re not gonna like him all the time, just like he’s not gonna like YOU all the time. But knowing you have a partner in your corner will always make you feel secure. Also might I add, ITS MERCURY RETROGRADE BABY! Look it up if you dont know what im talking about lol. Me and my fiancé had a rough week last week like arguing back and forth. We had a deep talk last night and reunited with open arms. If this someone you really wanna work it out with, DONT GIVE UP. But you BOTH have to want it
When my hubs and I start to nit pik, we go away for a weekend together. Just us. no kids, nothing. Then we just relax and do much of nothing. Just to reconnect.
Your first mistake is making excuses for him. Mania doesn’t “MAKE” you cheat. That’s him, all him wanting attention from other women and using his mania as his justifications.
Mental health isn’t an excuse to being a piece of shit to your other half. It’s a toxic thing to do. He can’t blame his mental health for everything and you can’t let him use it as an excuse. You deserve better.
Uhm, has he been to the doctor and gotten on the right meds to control his bipolar episodes? If not, that’s where HE needs to start. I personally would have been gone long ago. Cheating is an absolute deal breaker and has nothing to do with his manic episodes. Just because you aren’t fighting out loud or in front of them doesn’t mean the kids don’t know what’s going on. They can sense the tension and that’s not healthy for them.
It definitely sounds like you are using his mental health issues to justify his cheating. He needs to seek mental health help or nothing will ever get better.
Stop excusing his shit. Mental illness is not an excuse to be a jack ass. This is why there’s petty and resentment. Bc you’re saying and acting like it’s all good without dealing with it… but it’s not all good. It’s all good just bc you decide to try to forgive and forget. Has he ever had to do anything to earn trust back? Had he ever had to earn forgiveness? Or do you just give it bc he’s mentally ill and you’re conditioned to give unending compassion without anyone giving it to you.
And I say all of this as someone with sever BPD who had to really hear some hard shit from the ppl who truly loved me before I was able to get it managed. Stop excusing his shit. Being supportive of something trying to do better it great. Being a doormat bc someone is a shithead isn’t
Seems like you guys might have too much time together and it goes in waves of being good and then when you’ve had your limit get nit picky either get separate hobbies or spend designated time together alone. Balance
Yall spend wayy too much time together. Me and my fiance get the same way when we spend too much time together. Time to find yourselves a hobby and maybe even invest in a few therapy sessions. Sounds like you both need someone to talk to. Therapy is the best thing I’ve done for myself.
Counseling to communicate better. Sounds like there are ways that you guys could be better home mates. You are great work mates, learn do that type of communication at home.
Spend some time apart each week, make it a personal goal not to do it yourself. If each of you have something of your own going, whether it’s a hobby or a night out with friends you’ll be in a better head space.
It is hard to work with your spouse and live with them also you need a break away from one another I couldn’t imagine having to work with and live with my husband we been together 20 years married almost 18 and if we were around each other 24 7 we would be the same absence makes the heart grow fonder lol you can’t miss something that never goes away lol and we also have days that we struggle to like each other but we have more love than the sky has stars and that is what gets us through the rough patches and there’s been many I would suggest some you time for both not saying separate or anything remotely like that maybe you take a over night trip or you go do something and he goes and does something it honestly sounds like you guys just need some me time away from each other even if you spend day in and day out with your bestie eventually your going to get on each other’s nerves just my opinion and yes my husband and I still have days where we sit on the couch and pretend to like one another bahaha
I definitely say that counseling is in order, self AND couple. But, if y’all can’t/won’t do that, then it’s best to part ways because 9 long years continuously putting up with all that? That is MORE than long enough. Toxic upon toxic upon toxic. Sometimes, love just isn’t enough and just because two people love each other does not mean they are meant to be together. Just saying.
You guys are spending too much time together working together living together and messaging flat out all day ya got nothing left to do after work but nit pik. Or if it’s just small silly stuff you could try and not bite back someone has to give in ignore the nitpik
Hope it gets better maybe instead of diagnosisjng him with 100 things he sees a professional? Good luck I go through spurts of annoyance with mine lol I tend to ignore hang with the kids clean organize stuff cook bake to distract myself from getting mad. Hope it improves but I think a professional can help make diagnosis and he needs to choose to care for his mental health hopefully he can.
Young one - seems you are both on defense- assuming what the other is feeling by the way one looks at the other. Both of you are tired and a bit touchy it sounds. Sounds like “ date night” is in order. Breaking away together gives you time to relax, and communicate.
You see too much of each other and until he gets the proper professional help he needs, his behavior will continue. Also, as long as you are willing to allow him to do the things he does, he will not seek help. He will on his terms and when he is ready, and sometimes a little push is good. You both have some hard personal choices to make, and it’s best you sit down and have a talk. Open communication is extremely important when making decisions that will impact your life. Best of luck.
Having been together so long with so much toxic behavior, I think breaking up and going your separate ways would be the first order of business because it’s not going to change. Your children will be the ones whom suffer.
First he needs help with his mental health until he gets help nothing you do will make him happy. Second when he starts fighting start telling him what you love about him. Men turn depression into anger, I think this comes from boys being taught it is not alright to cry but they can be angry and that anger is normal for a man. Never go to bed angry, always make sure you say “I love you” as your first words and last words of the day. When the fights start say “I love you too much to keep fighting like this.” Don’t fight back, don’t start the fights either. Also you think you are hiding the problem from the kids, you are not. They know far more than you realize.
You owe it to your children to have higher standards and expectations with this man. Sometimes it’s easy to give a pass to the ones we love but this behavior and type of environment is going to one day affect your children, if it hasn’t already. I would be demanding he get into some therapy to deal with his things. Or it’s time to go so you can raise and protect your children. I don’t see him being able to move forward with you in a healthy way unless he gets help.
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The obvious is he’s bipolar, among other issues, and he’s not medicated or in therapy. There is no quick fix, he has problems and he’s not doing what’s necessary to keep them in check and your enabling him. Sounds like you need some help with codependency and denialism yourself. Get help for yourself and tell him to do the same. Also, your kids aren’t be fooled.
I’m sure we don’t have all the story but from this, you make way to many excuses for him and let him do what ever!! That cheating??? Sorry but changes need to be made,stop all the calls and texting while at work!!! Good luck.
I say separate it would be so much better for the both of u and the kids. Y’all are under each other way to much and need a break n let him get professional help and of he doesn’t than that would tell u to move on
First of all he’s BIPOLAR. He can’t control himself he’s having MOOD SWINGS. He has to take medicine for mood swings and depression he can not beat it on his own because he’s BiPOLAR. Start meds low go up slow or he will say these are to strong I’m not taking these dam things
I think maybe you haven’t forgiven the cheating and the trauma he put you through. You should move on. 9 years is a long time to invest in someone but it’s not worth another 9 years! You’ll be better off single and focusing on yourself and your kids.
I love my husband, but I could NEVER work with him. I’m currently a stay at home mom, but when I was working and when I go back to work, though he works in construction that’s besides the point, we could be in the same field of work hypothetically and I would never be able to live with him AND work with him. That’s too much.
I just want to point out that just cause you have bipolar doesn’t mean you’ll have “manic episodes” of cheating that’s him being himself and doing what he wants that right that I would have left I’ll just say this you can’t keep going back to a toxic situation you know isn’t going to change at the end of the day you gotta worry about you and your kids
First and foremost he needs to go to a doctor and get the mental health issues under control with appropriate medications then you can both focus on the rest:
If you keep excusing the cheating and blaming bipolar is going to get you no where except a lifetime of excusing his crappy behavior. Adults know right from wrong especially being unfaithful, seems to me it’s just an excuse and he knows you will justify it for him. It’s probably time to move on, maybe you 2 are not in love really anymore and just comfortable being in a toxic relationship. Or try therapy but you both need to be 200% wanting to work it out. Also, the kids see it all, you’re basically teaching them all of this is ok.
My husband has PTSD and TBI… He’s never cheated. We rarely actually fight.
Y’all may be together to much. Just bc you work together doesn’t mean you need to be texting all day. Stop.
My hubs and I worked in the same building for several years and we didn’t text all day or even have lunch together often. We didn’t even ride to work together. Lol.
Y’all need therapy and stop making excuses for bad behavior. He needs to have some impulse control.
You definitely spend to much time together. It’s super unhealthy not to have space and time. If yous are texting back and forth all day… what’s there to miss? When my man is at work I don’t message unless I really need to… or if he messages me I’ll message back… and vise versa when I’m working. Bi Polar isn’t an excuse to cheat either. I think you both should take some time and work on yourselves…
You aren’t giving each other any alone time. You work together all day and then come home to each other. My husband & I worked together for a while. I finally realized we were just together too much.
Counseling, therapy and he needs to get help for his bi polar. Also that’s not an excuse to cheat and do bad things. If he knows he has an issues he needs to get help and get it under control. You can’t just continue to cheat and do things and blame the bi polar.
You are spending too much time together and chatting to much at work, you need to seperate yourselves completely and give yourselves each day to “miss each other” so when at home then you can have more productive convos etc…I would insist he get medicated for the Bi Polar for your own safety and your children’s, aswell as his. Probably getting a councillor would be a good idea for him and you aswell.
I have manic depressive-bipolar disorder. I’m not making excuses not justifying actions— however for those that sure saying being sexually involved with numerous people or others is not a sign of this condition is very wrong and uneducated. Now as far as that goes— he should definitely be on some sort of medication. Definitely too much time spent together.
good luck proud of you for continuing a marriage even when it’s not the good stuff !
