How to coparent with a narcissist?

My Question is, do you have an aweful, narcissistic, intimidating ex partner that you have to co parent with?? How do you cope
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with a narcissist?

Document everything and let your lawyer handle it. There is no Coparenting with a narcissist. Keep going to court until they take his rights.

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Document everything. Don’t do anything that cannot be documented. They will lie constantly and you’ll need to protect yourself.
Communicate about your child(ren) only. Immediately end conversations or do no respond to conversation that isn’t directly about the children’s current schedule/needs etc. Use an app for communicating such as my family wizard that will allow a Judge to review everything.
Short, courteous, emotionless interactions. Never respond with emotion, no matter how bad the abuse is. When the child(ren) get old enough,they’ll start to realize that the narcissist parent is the cause of chaos and problems. Even if that parent constantly attempts to alienate you, the child will eventually realize that the things they’re being told you are doing or did, just are not true.

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You don’t. You parallel parent. You do you, they do them. Keep track of everything. Do not communicate unless it’s about the kids. Don’t engage in arguments no matter how much they try to bait you.

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Check out mentalhealness on TikTok

I parallel parent. Set strong clear specific boundaries when it comes to communication between yourself and the other parent. (To protect your own mental well-being) narcissists are energy vampires. Don’t engage in any conversation verbally. Keep it strictly to text message and emails. (Also as proof/documentation) Especially when doing changeovers.
Have a look at @lissaaromano on insta. She posts some informative things about narcs, behaviours, how to communicate, how to set boundaries etc

Have a 3rd party deal with arrangements and pick ups/drop offs, its absolutely the only way to do it without going insane. They will use anything and everything to manipulate their way back with any form of contact. Zero contact is the only way to get away from the narcissist

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with a narcissist?

Everything in writing; text, messenger, e-mail, certified letter if you have to. If you must speak on the phone or face time, record all conversations and make sure they know they’re being recorded. Only meet up in public places w/ cameras for drop off / pick ups or get some decent dash cams w/ sound recording. Again, let them know all interactions w/ you are being recorded. They HATE being able to be exposed. ONLY talk of the child and child related things. If the conversation strays from that, give only one warning that is not the topic of discussion and if the off topic conversation or comments persist, cut the conversation off. Do not respond to anything other than communication about the child and child related subjects. Document absolutely everything. Get a solid court order for visitation / child support, etc. so he can’t mess w/ you that way. Never let your guard down b/c the longer you keep them leashed, the harder they will try to strike the moment they see the least opportunity. Good luck, Momma

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We couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with a narcissist?

Court. I went through family court. So I didn’t have to deal with him or have communication with him. He picks our boy up from school every second Friday and we meet half way on a Sunday but I just get my son and leave. Nothing needs to be said.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with a narcissist?

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Look up grey rock method, it will help. Document absolutely everything with as much evidence as you can. And parenting orders, through the court.

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Seek a legal parenting order and then remove yourself completly from their drama. With a parenting order in place, there is very little to no need to communicate, if co-parenting is not an option due to their toxic and controlling behaviour.

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My ex is the same its so hard to co parent I which it would just disappear

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I would have a phone and email that he can communicate everything he needs to with you through that including contacting the kids. No personal phone contacts.
Get a parenting plan in place that covers everything from school decisions, medical,sports and time spent with each parent, birthdays etc

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You don’t, both need to counseling together and seek meditation on custody

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Seek out a therapist and have them give you healthy coping skills and tools you can use to deal with the situation. Also have your child(ren) see a child psychologist separate from yours and let that one help your kids gain coping skills early.

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Get full custody. Find someone to mediate between y’all so you don’t have to have contact with him until Court. Trust me do it before he physically or psychologically hurts your kids or even you

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My coparent helps out when needed. He does provide a lot of financial support and does help transport and keep our son. However, he can be uncooperative as I’m the opposite, and it makes me feel like he takes advantage of my cooperation. We go back and forth a lot with the days we keep him. This typically wouldn’t be an issue for a neurotypical child, but our son is autistic and structure, stability, schedules, and routines are very important. Things have been unbalanced since our son has been diagnosed, and I am burnt out. He also expects me to be okay with staying at his house for convenience, but takes issue with staying at mine. He wants autonomy with where he goes and what he does, but at the same time wants control over our coparenting situation and important decisions that need to be made for our son. He has never been able to just be still; he always has something that he just “HAS” to do and has a very hard time sacrificing those things to help us have the support and the stability that we really need.

I have communicated these things to him multiple times, but he is a brick wall and does not take it seriously enough. Sometimes, I’d just rather parent our son full-time than to have to deal with the inconsistency in his schedule, his attitude, and constant, unreasonable harshness towards me.

I’m not sure if I’d call him a narcissist because it’s a real disorder and I’m not one to diagnose.

I cope by giving myself grace and by taking things one step, one day at a time.

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My partner handles the exchanges. My best way was to give simple cut to the chase statements and answers. I never answered a shit message and I never speak to him over the phone. Don’t give them any emotion or reaction and if it doesn’t pertain to the kid, you don’t have to reply at all.
The court ordered we use an app which is helpful. Document everything so at some point you can do something about it. Or at least try. Sending positive vibes.

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divorced him and let the kids work it out

(Treatment consists of therapy)
The disorder needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Treatment involves talk therapy. To help him. ) I had an ex who was passive-aggressive. And we would talk about a lot of things. But I gave him a pad of paper and told him when these guys start to bother him, Just go somewhere away from them and draw or write down these words and we can talk about them. He would tell me things that I had to really look at him and ask: Did you really do that! Nearly, I did! Then I would explain what would happen If he did that. Like, talk him down. What things would be taking away from him. Great guy, funny, smart but too serious. Loved him. Well, day by day until you are back home away from him? Treat him like a friend and ask questions but mainly work together. Like a friend from work. Take baby steps & kid gloves. Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Tips for Making It Work

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Use a contact centre for change over. That way there is a 3rd party that does it for you. No face to face contact at all.

Mark Blewden sounds like you know who

Go away,he just became that way overnight did he??and u decide to have a kid with him then bitch and moan and want sympathy from the world??u had kid with him u can deal with it,sick of women like u

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We dont cope with my ex, he is so difficult and strictly his way…had to take him to court because he took my daughter away from me and my fiance for 5 months…the judge didnt see why he did it so he ordered her back to me. Now my ex has less time with her than he did before…
He complains about it being unfair and unjust but if he didnt take her he wouldnt be a sook now!
They are all different and it is never easy to deal with a person with narcissitic behaviour let alone deal with a full blown one…
All i can say is your not alone, and dont let them control you.

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Not anymore. I got coped by filing for full custody.

Yes. I do. It’s traumatic most of the time and exhausting.

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Document everything. Don’t communicate unless it’s about the child and only through texting or email. If texting, make sure you screen shoot them. I do this, it’s exhausting and sucks. I just have to remind myself that it’s not about me or him, it’s about my child. I will go to the ends of the earth for her

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Following. I’ve got 13 years in with a narc. It’s exhausting in every way possible. :weary:

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You keep track of everything and don’t let the partner push you around. Just because you have a kid together doesn’t mean they get to make your life miserable forever.

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I have been dealing with one for 8 years. Today, I had to call the police because he refused to tell me where my daughter was. He had his mother take her to the dr, and tell them she was sick, so that he could try and prevent her from going to school tomorrow. All because I am chaperoning her field trip. I am at the same point you are. Like when does it end? I will pray for your sanity tonight, keep pushing sister… :heart:

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Co-parenting app like Appclose is the only way in our situation. Exchanges done at school and we never talk to each other outside of the app

Went thru court 3 years. Thank goodness it has got better but still can’t keep my name out of his mouth about me to our son.

Use the app called “Family Wizard” to communicate. Messages sent through there are admissible to court.

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My son has been dealing with one for two years noithing works believe me it’s all about power and hurting the other parent

If you figure it out…let me know!! Many years of trying to be nice…being firm…court…no court…nothing has worked so far

Following because same :frowning:

Text so there is proof of convo. Put a recording app on your phone.

Simple and short answers regarding children only. Ignore anything he does to rile you up or upset you- this is intentional. Respond ONLY about children directly.

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Keep conversation to minimum. Stay in your car if they are old enough to get in and out. Tell if it doesn’t pertain to the kids there should be no discussion.

For legal purposes this isn’t about me nor my experiences :joy:

Grey rock method works well. Yes and no responses. Emergency contact only. Pick your battles. Ignore. Don’t respond. Block on everything. Keep contact to emails only and emergency calls. Document everything. 3rd party pick ups and drop offs. Or the police station.

Zero contact is best. Its traumatic and awful but can be done.

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We communicate through text. That way it’s pretty much documented. Obvious we will call if it’s an urgent matter

You don’t. You parallel parent with them.

I am on year 6, everyone is correct in saying document everythinggggggggg. Print multiple copies to have on hand to reference at all times. Keep all communication about the child and or court order only. They will respond how they always do as it does not fit their narrative, but let them. They simply are digging their own grave at that point.

Sadly, save all your spare money that you can for court because it does seem like a never ending battle.

Furthermore, prepare yourself for their next relationship too because unfortunately sometimes the next person is equally as bad - but again document any interaction with them too.

By the sounds of it we all wish it would get better and or for the most part they would just leave us alone, as it is mentally exhausting beyond words. But keep your head held high and remember the kids will understand in the long run.

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At the end I had to record every phone call… save every text message… video every drop off and pick up.
It got worse every other weekend.
Make sure you only respond to messages about the child. Don’t argue cause that’s what they want.
Document…document…document is all I can really say…
I wish you the best!!

Yes it’s an absolute nightmare.

Communication (with the kids) is essential, I found that on my days I spent the time undoing the damage he did on his days, my kids both left him when they were 13(respectively) and have not spoken to him since(3years).

You don’t. There is no co-parenting with a narcissist. They are pure evil. You parallel parent with them. Respond and contact them only through text and ONLY about the child and nothing else. If you give them anything more than that, remember: They will never change, and they will try and drain you of everything you are.

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I’ve spent onlver $15,000 in the past 4 years because of my narcissist ex husband. Been dealing with him for almost 14 years. It never gets better and the courts don’t care as long as he is good to the kids. Which my ex mentally and emotionally abuse our kids but because my kids are too scared to say anything and lose their dad it continues. Good luck

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Contact my boys dad when something very good or bad happens. It’s upto him to either be a father or not , usually the latter. He can never say he didn’t have the opportunity to be there . And that’s all the contact I will allow .

My fiance deals with this with his ex wife. They have two children together. She has repeatedly kept the kids from him tries to tell him how to raise them… their daughter goes back home and supposedly tells all these things about us. And you just don’t know who to believe. She is a horrible person and communication and co parenting is impossible completely impossible. And coming from a mother who co parents we co parent amazing it’s hard to watch!

In the middle of it at the moment. I’ve done all courses needed and separated parents one also. (Very good)
And yet I get blocked and told to.go through solicitors only :roll_eyes: there is literally no way through to a narcissist. Trust me.

One day at a time. And some days are easier. Other days just about break me. Wake up and start over fresh, each morning, as often as you can.

My current husband does all communication. My ex was severely abusive in every way and I refuse to put myself in a situation that deters my healing and causes me mental and emotional anguish so my husband is the contact point weather my ex likes it or not. My ex is honestly a pu*sy and he’s intimidated by my husband so he doesn’t start shit. That doesn’t work for everyone, but having a mediator type person could be helpful.

In my opinion,
Its impossible. Let the courts set the stipulations and hope they take advantage of the allotted time they have with their children.

Keep every text message. Communicate only through text message or email. They cannot gaslight you when you have their words immortalized in text.

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Ignore anything said unless its about the kids … Period… They want a reaction out of you, so they’ll say whatever they can think of to upset you … They thrive off reactions … It warms their soul, they want to control you AND your emotions, dont let them … only communicate about the kids and if they dont wanna cooperate then just leave it alone and go about your day with your kids, try to plan a visit for them another day.

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Yes it’s very difficult. We were only on good,very friendly terms when him and his girlfriend broke up. The minute they got back together it was right back to name calling, being difficult etc. all I can say is don’t engage and only speak when you need to and only about the kids. Ignore any intimidation

Ugh my baby is 7 months old and Rn his dad is completely Out of his life but I know he’ll be back eventually for self gratification and attention… I’m not looking forward to going through any of the things you ladies are going through :frowning::disappointed::unamused: I legit have PTSD from the father of my child and we’ve been broken up since two days before he was born…. I STILL have nightmares and get anxious 7 months later

Co parenting involves 2 parents and I’ve not seen the other in years we have court orders never followed but nothing happens when you don’t follow it laws they don’t seem to matter I’m not sure why we have them

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It was impossible. Literally. We gave up. It sounds awful but she was making the kids lives terrible BECAUSE she was always worried about making ours terrible. So we gave up, just so the kids wouldn’t suffer.

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Join some narcissist support groups

I tried, really really hard, to get my kids dad to be involved… he refused to accept any custody papers. He refused to pay the bare minimum in child support (for years). He ended up back in prison. Then as part of his parole, he had to get a job… that’s when I finally started getting any help financially. He has requested 5 modifications for his payments in the last 2 years…and NEVER fills out his paperwork to have it be seen by a judge. :roll_eyes::roll_eyes:
At this point in the game, he’s legally abandoned his kids… so I have no real advice in regards to co-parenting with a narcissist. I can only offer my experience with mine, and hope for you that yours is as equally dumb as mine. It really sucks having chose the men we did, so I get the frustration.
I also deeply believe my mother is a narcissist… my dad tried to take me from her, but it didn’t work. He gave up, and we never had a relationship.

Prove his state if mind is abusive. Present it to your lawyer and ask for full custody. Kids may be if help. Talk to them about how he treats them.

You can’t. Once a narcissist learns they lost control over you they don’t bother trying to keep in touch with their kids. Just show him no emotions and don’t react. Don’t let him control you with your children. Eventually he will fizzle out of your life.

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My partners ex is is narcissist we have primary custody of the kids. The only way to co patent is by no communication at all. Court don’t give a crap as long as the kids aren’t old enough to go. Latest incident last Xmas holidays put 14 13 and 6year old in the car as a form of punishment. They had to stay outside from when they woke up til the next day only going inside to eat or go toilet
She did that for a week then the last night before they left she sat them down and told them they would be better living with her cause it would make it easier on their dad and me. They came home told.us they didn’t want to go back the oldest told her she was absolutely fine with it then got mediation papers about 2 months later. We rang mediators told us the issue of her putting them in the car is for court or o.t. So she pulled out of mediation because she knew that wasn’t going to go her way. She rang for the first time on the 7th of September txting and saying I have Playstation vouchers so the oldest answered her call because they last time she called was 9th of April. But in her head it’s their father and me putting things in their head which is why they don’t want to go there. We literally have no communication with her at all. My partner if he does she starts txtn him at 5am like have good day she calls him just laughing on the phone. They have been broken up for 6years and she has will constantly bring up I know u we were together for 10years. We’ve been settled with court for 2 years and I think visit went OK for about 6 weeks. She was 19 when she met my partner and he was 14

Once a narcissist always a Narcassist there No way in or out with a Narcissist …
There is No way through a Narcissist they refuse to listen or take Advice they are the worst types of men that exist.
There is No counseling nothing cannot help them they continue to lie there ways through an be Manipulative as can be…

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Don’t engage in his mind games, don’t argue, only speak to him about the kids if possible over text only.

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Only respond to what you have too. Be proactive in your own home and be there for your children to talk to. They work it out on their own when they grow up and these narcs lose in the end.

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Impossible
I tried for so long
He was / is a TERRIBLE
TERRIBLE DAD . My son is now 20 , and sees it all for himself.

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It’s impossible. Sorry, but it is mentally and emotionally draining :sleepy:

Ignore his behavior and words, you can never out argue a narcissist, they always have to have the last word.

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Trying not to react. Tried co-parenting counseling, he got us kicked out, she told him that, he still blamed me.

I can’t do it anymore.

You can’t cope. You just survive.

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Make the narcissist go to co-parenting classes. Trust me, they will loooove it.

(Obvious sarcasm)

Only ever talk about your kid(s) anything he says to you that ISNT child related, ignore. Make it very clear you only communicate for the NEEDS of your children. Thats it.

Your Co-parent definition? Do you mean Shared Custody?

Keep your distance but still co parent. Don’t give them any more information than they need and don’t allow them to get into your emotions because they will know when they do and they will strive off of it.

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Grey rock is amazing, but hard to employ if you’re an emotional person. Also if you get the court to order co-parenting counseling, this has worked wonders for me

I’m goin through this exact same thing right now. It’s very difficult to deal with. I’m going through mediation right now, I tried for supervised visits due to a lot of underlying factors, the mediator went ahead and gave him two days a week unsupervised for almost 4 hours each day and then one day at my house for 2 hours. It’s a mess. Just make sure to document everything from what time they get dropped off, if they’re late dropping off, any marks they may come home with (pictures help with that as proof), any changes behavior they child may have after being with them.

Read “CoParenting with a Toxic Ex” and “Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissist Parent”

Set up a phone number and email only he/she contacts you on to make it easy to have a running record/documentation. Documentation is KEY

Keep records screenshots everything in case you ever need them. And be strong that’s all I can say, stand your ground be firm with what you do and don’t believe in! Keep all contact to a minimum and only about your children and know you are bloody awesome.

Vickie Brown separate email is great… the phone is a tool that can be used to wreak havoc … Also gives you no opportunity to be prepared the person making the call is in control (Nirvana for a narcissist) and you can be called at any inconvenient time… my experience is when people have to put things in writing they check themselves and are responsible for their words it also gives you time to respond calmly if at all… Over the phone they can spew any nonsense with the expectation that you must respond to the ridiculous (definitely a false dilemma) in writing they have to face themselves with documentation that could be used in court with respect to your consistent compliance and his for visitation.

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There some support groups here on FB. Join them. They helped me get through some trying times and have great advice.

You need a custody court order, you typically don’t have to go to court unless neither of you can agree on things. They only need to know about the kids, nothing More. Do not react to them. Anything and everything they say or do goes to your lawyer. Don’t give them slack, you give them an inch and they take a mile, stick to the order. Make sure you include things like religion, altering the child’s appearance, anything about new partners, times and days for visits, travel distance, moving distance, meeting place, disparaging comments, if you need to alter the agreement how you would go about it, if they have a step parent then make sure you add in that if you were to die or become unable to care for the kids then they would still have a right to see/visit. A phone call a night. Like get a detailed as possible. Do not react to the things they say. Ever. That’s what he will want. Keep things over text, everything. Never delete any of it

Ive been working on it for 16 years. If you find an answer, please let me know

Look up Rebecca Zung on FB . She has a bunch of videos that do an amazing job explaining how to deal with a narcisis. Has helped me 100%.

She helped me :pray:

One might actually consider murder …