How to coparent with someone intent on making your life h***?

Every interaction is a headache. I have questions of his mental stability and think he's deteriorating. I don't know how to convince the court that he needs evaluations. He constantly watches and is an avid conspiracy theorist. He doesn't believe that his child is actually upset with him for not showing up for visits for a month and a half or that she'd ever speak ill of him. She's upset and angry and he's convinced I'm just brain washing her and she has no reason to be mad. He's shown up 3x since June.
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If he’s barely showing up to visits, why do you need to convince the court to get him evaluated? Can you just stop expecting him to show up, and let him deal with his mental health himself if he wants to? I don’t think that’s really your business unless he watches her alone.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with someone intent on making your life h***? - Mamas Uncut

My kids seen her dad for 2 hours in 2 months. He lives in the same town as us. He loves to hate me esp now hes paying child support. The in and out is worse for the kids. I dont know how some people sleep at night😒

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Just because he believes in conspiracies does not mean he is mentally unstable :roll_eyes:

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Each time he doesn’t show up for his visits file contempt of court against him. Keep every text message. Record the interactions if possible even if it’s thru a car camera if u gotta. Ask that drop offs be at a police station. Tell the judge your daughter wants to speak to them

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Its harder then hell to co parent with someone like that, My girls bio dad is like this and thinks I brainwashed them and all he cares around is girls and stupid dirt track racing, they haven’t seen him in 6 years haven’t talked to him in almost two years he’s a lier and over all jerk just got to take it one day at a time just tell the courts like hey I don’t feel he’s mentally stable to be around my child he needs to be evaluated and go from there and have him provide proof that he is getting help. It’s a hard thing for sure girl

Sounds so much like my first husband and father of my child (now 13) it’s scary. Honestly, I just stopped pushing him to be in her life and by now, he hasn’t seen her in over 7 years. He’s more or less removed himself. There were times he’d try but ultimately, he doesn’t care and we don’t miss him. You can PM me if you’d like some more info. I’m waiting for my now husband to be able to adopt her.

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Video tape her reaction to him not showing up

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Some parents do not accept that their children have their own feelings. You do not need to speak for her, since he thinks it’s all lies just coming from you and not her anyway.
Just be as factual as you can be leaving feelings aside when you communicate with him.
You don’t need to hear his excuses or his complaints. And you don’t need to defend your daughters feelings to him because he will only get defensive. If he shows for visitation or he doesn’t ,document it and when time comes ,when your child is old enough you can show to the court how he hasn’t been parenting her and her feelings will be considered with the court.

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Conspiracy theorist does not equal mental instability.

I must be missing something because if he has only shown up for the child 3 times since June, how is he making your life hell? I mean, if all you’re trying to do is co-parent and not be BFFs, then any conversations should be strictly about the child as far as pick up/drop off and any important information that would need to be shared between the two of you in regards to the child. I mean, does he not call/text about the child and instead calls/texts to harass you or something?

If you’re that concerned for his mental health and the safety of your child when in his care, then don’t worry about him not showing up. My daughters biological father was a flake. He would make plans to get her, then cancel last minute or just not show at all. She was 3. I just made excuses… he’s at work… he’s sick… he’s busy… then I would do my job as a mother and just take care of my child. She’s 8 now and finally realized on her own and doesn’t seem to care anymore.

If you have something court ordered as far as custody/visitation and he isn’t holding up his end, just document everything, file a modification of custody/visitation with the court and go on about your business by raising your child and being her mother.

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Document/save everything, get a lawyer, talk to a judge and demand a mediator be issued and that no direct contact with the other parent…

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No I’m with you OP he sounds delusional and out of touch. Believing in conspiracy theories alone doesn’t equal unstable. When you mix it with his inability to see the reality of the situation though it starts to get worrisome. Unfortunately though there’s nothing big and concerning enough for the courts to care. It’s nice you want to get him help though. Sadly you just gotta let him do his thing. Not your circus not your monkeys. Your daughter will tell him her side one day and all you can do is be there for her.

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Continuity is a big word during custody hearings and your ex’s lack of it is grounds for a modification hearing

Look into abandoned charges. My SIL asked my brother to leave so her family would have somewhere to sleep. Their home was really small. So he did. Thinking he’d come and visit them when his shift was over every day. So every day he showed up and her father refused to allow him in. After 3 days of this she slapped him with abandonment charges and a divorce sitting such. She won. I would look into that and forget the other. Conspiracy theory is not considered crazy unless he’s wearing foil on his head. :joy:. He may be delusional that he can do no wrong but you can’t prove it. Sorry.

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Well, if he doesn’t show up, isn’t that proof enough?

I went to court and get full custody.

Advocate for your child, just because it’s her father, doesn’t mean he should be in her life.

It will cause her more damage than good.

Good luck!

Hire an attorney. Request a mental evaluation. Request a drug test. You have the right to protect your child!

The child most likely hears what you saying and repeats what she hears. I don’t think it’s all her.

Courts aren’t going to listen to you. There’s too many ex’s who make up bad things in court. Courts send children to be killed. You need a 3rd party like a counselor who will go to court with you. You need proof. I would put your daughter in counseling & tell her to tell them what she’s told you. In the meantime take him back to court to change pick up & drop offs to a supervised 3rd party location like the police station or school (some organizations like the YWCA does it too). If he is ordered to pick her up at 3pm on Friday & drop her off at 8pm Monday at school they keep record of her not being picked up or dropped off. When you have to go school to get her late ask them to write that down in your journal or on a calendar so you have record. Set up phone calls once a week at a specific time example 4pm every Wednesday
Keep track of his calls. We did calling through Facebook so I had a log. Put in your new custody agreement that if he misses 2 consecutive visits or 5 in year that he gives up visits. He will have the choice then whether he’s serious about parenting your daughter or just doesn’t care. Make sure you show proof that she is at the pick up location or was ready for the call (another reason fb came in handy I screened shot the screen 5 minutes before he was to call & 10 minutes after showing he didn’t call but I was ready to accept it.) Good luck. No child should feel unsafe or have to sit around waiting to be picked up.

This is why it’s important to get to know a person before having kids with them, that 18 years of headaches ain’t worth it.

I personally don’t to court I wasn’t raised on having a complete stranger tells me whats best for my family but hey in America people turns to court for everything so use them I guess. Have the court appoint someone to you, go back to court request that someone is present for every time you guys exchange kid ect. Or hire one of those lawyer that fights dirty so you can have full custody of your kid. Also be careful of what you say about him around her

Involve a judge in every single step. Do no favors. Be strict. Set boundaries.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with someone intent on making your life h***? - Mamas Uncut

First thing you need to keep detailed records of all texts correspondents of any kind. Keep a journal with all times he’s missed visitation. Maybe you and your daughter start seeing a therapist so she can talk to someone and her thoughts and feelings so when it comes time to go to court it’s not just your word.

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I don’t think you have to convince him. You just document it and let your atty know. Maybe seek counseling for your child to help her cope.

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Deadbeat father just make sure your there for her

Look up “grey rock method”

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with someone intent on making your life h***? - Mamas Uncut

File for sole custody. He’s obviously more interested in other things than his own daughter.

I agree with Nathalie Lauren to file for sole custody. But if you can get some type of proof that he’s saying all these things that would be great, that could help you out.

Did you really censor the word hard lmao

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to coparent with someone intent on making your life h***? - Mamas Uncut

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There are 2 sides to every coin… If this is a matter now in front of the courts, then they will do whats best for the child based off the info both parties have provided.

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What’s your attorney doing with this information?

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Check with your local laws. If a parent doesn’t see a child for 6 months or more, their parental rights can be revoked. Let him dig his own hole. Doesn’t sound like he’s a good influence on your child anyway. Text or email only and document everything.

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I don’t know ow what state or county u are in. But in California. They have a 730 evaluation you can request but it is expensive 5grand is what they were gonna make my husband’s ex pay ( she lost custody and was doing anything possible to get it back, she didn’t pay it)

The only time the court orders it on their own it is if you can prove he’s have a history, of being mentally unfit. Such as 5150 holds, suicide attempts, charges fild against him…etc.

Being a unreliable dad and having eccentric beliefs doesn’t make him mentally unfit.

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Sounds like he needs mental health help. Not to be disconnected from his child. Go the help route. Clearly, something is wrong and it’s most likely not about the child OR YOU at all. Find someone close to him to talk to about it.

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Do you have any lawyer’s that were involved with setting up the visitation? Or Court Children’s Advocate? It’s different for different countries or even States/Provinces.

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Document everything and lawyer up

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Do your best and love your child, hug them tighter. Unfortunately a narcissist will hang onto the idea that all moms will “poison their children’s mind against them.” Just simply offer the phone to your child so they may speak their mind. Remind them that your child is old enough to form their own opinion and that their thoughts matter too.

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Go back to court with documents proving that he no showed visitation. That won’t solve all of your problems but it’s a start.

You can’t force the other parent into an ideal parent box unfortunately. All you can do is hope he surrounds himself with good people who help him become better, and not enable him. My ex was impossible to coparent with, while he was with girlfriend #1. She had no kids so they pretended his didn’t exist. They split up and he met girlfriend #2. She was a single mum who helped him straighten himself out and reconnect with his kids. Side note, I really loved her. She was super sweet and terrific with our kids. They adored her. Now he’s with girlfriend #3 who was a single mum, so she’s super. My ex has more contact with our kids now than ever and puts in a lot of effort because he’s had amazing women around. You can’t force someone to find the right path. They either find it (surrounded by wonderful people), or they don’t.

His selfishness is ruining his life & those it touches. Best for the child to give an earful to the judge when/if it goes to court.

You don’t. You move on and protect for child from the toxic parent without speaking ill of them

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Consult mediator or attorney and adjust visitations

Never mind him, get some counseling for your child. Then when there are problems, she will do better and you will have documentation.

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Have lawyer set up visitation do it in a neutral public spot and I even suggest a neutral party do it that way there’s no confrontation there’s no negativity around the child

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Document document document everything. Cease all phone calls and only so text and email. This way there is no hearsay. Allow phone calls with the child but monitor them and sont interfere unless there is an obvious issue. Get a lawyer.

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Be very careful. He sounds like he’s off his rocker

Chrissie woah did I write this?

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You need peace and stability to raise a child. If they are not capable of this, you need to save your money and go after custody and minimize the dysfunction in your family.

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Mama, if you ever figure it out let me know. I have a man-child who is blaming me for my son being depressed/suicidal. Our son has told him straight up he’s a bully and Mom isn’t the problem… :woman_facepalming:

It is very difficult ! Prayers !

Why would you need to convince them - if it’s true they will see it for themselves they don’t need coercing into it

3x since June. Man my daughter’s father hasn’t bothered with her since May 2020