Being a caregiver, be assertive and nice st the same time, I know this sounds weird but treating the elderly helps, I learned that working at a senior facility
When we were caring for my aunt we kept her in routines which meant whenever a certain show was on was certain days do so things such as bathing, going to the dr etc it helped any break in routine would be a fight.
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Bed baths or sponge baths in bed.
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Hard to hear but in the future a nursing home would be able to help her more … my grandfather had Alzheimer’s and near the end my family had a hard time taking care of him especially when it came to the temper tantrum’s
My grandma is getting to this point. She does shower but not as often as she needs. My mom has to remind her “no mom you didn’t shower yesterday” she has her favorite shampoos and body washes in there. I’m sure you’ve done sponge baths between showers and I know that’s no enough sometimes. Maybe the shower sound freaks her out, try a bath if you can. Run the water before bringing her in so it calm and quiet for her.
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I was a CNA/medication aide for years I know the struggle. I would recommend talking to her doctor to get some anti anxiety meds and have her take them 45 mins before a bath 
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As a nursing assistant, I can say that suggesting we use the bathroom and then leading her there helps quite a bit. Don’t mention the word “shower” (as silly as it sounds). Once you get her to the bathroom just have her sit and use the toilet and then run the shower. Tell her “come on it’s time to get cleaned up” and usually she’ll be like “oh ok” and proceed to undress. I also notice with Alzheimer’s/dementia patients, they thrive off of routine. Even if they don’t “remember” their routine, if you create one for them, they’ll eventually just do it. So if you set a specific time/day for her to shower, she’ll eventually get into the routine of showering at that specific time and day.
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Try encouraging a sponge bath with baby wipes (warm them first!)
dementia is a horrible disease get carers in DONT put her in a home if you can help her in every other way Voice of experience 
In the same boat with my dad, he gets in there when the mood strikes and do our best
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You could request a home health aid thru her insurance. They could come in and do all the things that she’s combative with. Definitely worth a try. We had to do that with our Aunt and it worked for about 3 yrs before we decided to place her in a memory care facility. It’s tough, but she’s much happier there too
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Bed bath, or tell her your gonna fix her hair and get her ready for the day offer painting her nails I work as a home health aid our harder patients bed baths are best they don’t like being naked and cold.
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Make sure it is warm in bathroom first they get cold easy
Make it a game. Put a bathing suit on her and bath her in a small pool if needed… get toys like a water cannon and make lots of bubbles… sponges full of baby soap so it won’t sting her eyes. I’m sorry sweetheart. Both my grandmothers died from Alzheimer’s. 
My mom is bedridden and I’m her caregiver. I have to do sponge baths or use the large cleaning wipes that are sold near the adult briefs. Amazon also sells these cloths that you add water to and it gets soapy and shampoo that you just squirt in the hair and dry with a towel. Smells really good and my mom never stinks unless she has had a bowel movement.
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Maybe she is afraid of falling. Do you have the correct shower chair or anything? Don’t use a nursing home because they don’t care and she can refuse there too and they won’t be able to force her. Just give sponge baths and or hand warm wash clothes to her for her to wash herself… If she refuses just accidentally spill something room temperature on her so she has to get cleaned up
I got my husband a wand shower attachment,he seems to like spraying himself while I wash him ,I got his favorite cologne for him after I shower him,I can only maybe get him in the shower once a week if lucky if keeps thinking he took one yesterday,
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Light candles and music and beautiful smelling washes wash her hair for her 
my nan had this and I would give anything to go back and make special memories like this they just get angry cos they forget a lot without realising it consciously.
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I use to work at a retirement home in the Alzheimer’s unit and some residents did get violent with us when it came to getting them showered.
I put my husband in a wheelchair and push him in the shower after I got the water temperature right I shampoo his hair and wash his back alet him wash the rest of his body ,then dry him out and put his clothes own.
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I’m having the same problem w my mom. She has the chair but it takes an act of congress for the bath. Shes scared of falling. This is a special shower made to make it easier but doesn’t matter to her. She wears the same clothes & sleeps in them… til the point that her clothes stink. Mine isn’t mean thank goodness
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Being very calm is key. Some suggestions I learned while becoming dementia care certified. 1. Let her pick out her outfit before getting in the shower and explain to her while she’s picking it out what the plan is. 2. Show her the towel and rag that you will be using (may seems silly but gives them comfort). 3. Give her two options on what she would like to use (smells/textures) to guide her. Also, if there is a special smell she enjoys that relaxes her use that during bathing time.
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Why not just sponge bath her 
Why stress her out
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Hire a shower aide. Worth every darn dime! With my mom we had 1 lady who would come once a week. My sisters stepped in during in between times if a tolieting incident required. As moms dementia worsened the familiar face was not threatening. If lucky it was a complete shower with a shower chair and respect for privacy with her. We also had a separate shampoo and set for her hair so it was outside of the bathing routine. We paid $20.00 per visit. She was like family for us.
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Insurance usually covers these
Ps the woman we had for mom had 4 or 5 clients a day and worked 5 days a week, no weekends. She kept weekends for herself or would provide respite to families during that time.
Had the same problem with my Mom. I tried everything to get her in the shower…nothing ever worked.
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They are like a a hand towel size cloth like wipes these are awesome they are for elderly and the incapacitated
Like someone else said. Go for routine. Right when my mom would get up I would guide her directly into the bathroom (already having her clothes in there) I would talk about how well she slept or what we were going to eat or do that day (to distract her). After she finished on the toilet and before she got up I would help her take her Jammie’s off and have wipes or a warm washcloth ready for her to wipe her face and start with her upper body helping if need. Once she got that done and got her shirt on we’d move on down doing the same thing. Distraction with conversation or joking with her to keep it light and before she knew it she was clean and ready for breakfast. Sounds easier than it is but most days it worked. Also, when it was time for a shower (maybe once a week or 10 days with wiping down each day), I found a warm bathroom and a shower chair helped along with a handheld shower head. It’s also helpful to have everything she needed right there beforehand. If not it opens the opportunity for her to escape the bathroom. Good luck. Every day truly is like a box of chocolates.
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I am a nurse. I am going to break my response down into 2 smaller comments. The 1st being just a few of the reasons that LTC is not the way to go right now. And the 2nd with things you could try to get your dear mom cleaned up.
Why not a nursing home?
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Nursing homes have a “resident bill of rights” and in this is the right to refuse cares. You heard that right. Your mom with dementia who cannot make an educated Healthcare decision at this time in her life can refuse anything. Brief changes, food, water, medications…showers. So it’s doubtful that sending her would help anything
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With staff to patient ratios being at the craziest it’s ever been, she’ll be lucky to have 2 scheduled shower days per week but she’ll be even luckier if she gets a shower both of those days. Especially if she is “time consuming” or “difficult”. I am not saying this is acceptable. I am just saying this is how it is.
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With this crazy staffing crisis, she will not have a close eye on her at all times or even as often as needed bc we can’t. So if she is at risk for falls or wandering or doing dangerous stuff, she’ll probably end up hurt.
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It’s difficult and confusing to care for someone with dementia but can you imagine living with it? I see so many people with dementia just get dumped at one of my facilities and the toll it takes on them is insane. With some, it sends them into a deep depression. With others, it accelerates the progression of the disease. Some stop eating or drinking altogether. Once continent and ambulatory folks regress. It’s sad to watch. Don’t put your mom through that…over a shower.
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What about it may not work just say once a week you take her somewhere special that she needs to get dressed up and maybe slowly introduce a hair wash and you will do her hair and maybe another thing could be supervise her cleaning the shower did she used to like to clean lol
There is a program where you can have them bathed at an care home and take them back home, they have special tubs and staff for this. Call your local health cater for a referral and assessment.
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One thing i also used once was if you have any young babies or dolls if her dementia is really bad id say lets have a shower because we want to nurse the baby and we need to be clean but it wouldnt work all the time only sometimes
My dad was the same and the violence etc and he’s now been in a nursing home for a half and a half. He’s been in 2 mainstream nursing homes and they kicked him out and we had to find another. Our only option was a nursing home for the violent dementia patients that are trained in difficult violent dementia patients. He likes it there and they’re really good with him. It’s called Garrawarra Centre in Helensburgh/waterfall.
at 83 perhaps the idea of showers has gone from her range of memories get her to strip wash old memories surface then less stress for both
Try a bed bath or bath wipes
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Does she prefer baths? Is there a previous trauma related to something shower/bath? Anything that she likes, that might be enticing?
Might be worth talking to her dr about her medications, as there are ones that can help reduce anxiety or aggression
I would ask for a Valium, Xanax, or Ativan prescription 🤷
I use to sit with mum wash her back an talk to her thewhole time , ITS so sad they become like children , an we have to have a lot of patience … Hope it goes well for you NO NURSING HOME THEY DONT LOOK AFTER THEM … 
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I worked in a nursing home for over 30 years, you cannt force her to shower it will just stress you both out. if mom doesn’t want to shower, don’t force her, give her a good sponge bath or buy the wipes that are specifically made for this purpose. If she won’t let you wash her hair they also have caps that you can use instead of actually washing it, god bless you for taking care of her.
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My friend would “trick them” by saying things like, “we gotta get you ready for your date, lets shower and get dressed” “you gotta go to work but you need a shower first” “lets go dance in the indoor rain” etc…
Just gotta make her want to do it may be the key.
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Maybe set up a calendar she can see and read and put shower days on it! So she can see it’s already been planned and she can think she wrote it down. It will also help to be repetitive with the days and have a routine/weekly schedule. Do the same thing for the shower every time. Sometimes if you can’t actually get them to say “yes I’ll take a shower” sometimes I’ll lead them there while talking to them about something completely different and have them help me pick out the soaps and their clothes and things. Sometimes thinking about doing a task you can’t quite remember how can be stressful and scary
I work in continuing care for seniors. I’d look into see if the retirement homes around you might take her once a week for a bath. In my town we call it community bath. Families take their senior members to the personal care home on scheduled days for a bath so that a trained worker can assist.
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To make it easy for you and mum better to bed bath best you can ,its not fair trying to put her in shower at that age or see her gp to get day nurses to come and help you x
Now. How can we make a shower happen?
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People with dementia slowly lose control of everything so they dwell on the things they CAN control…like their showers haha. So put the control back in her hands. Ask her questions and give her options. For example “Hey mom. Did you want a morning shower or a night shower?”
“What type of soap and shampoo did you want me to set out for you?” -
You never tell any person to do something. This is degrading and a dementia patient is still a person so if they feel “bossed” or “owned” they will retaliate with behaviors. I find its better to “invite” or suggest in a way in which they cannot say no without being out of place. Examples being:
“Hey mom why don’t you come with me? It’s shower time!”
“Hey mom. It’s Saturday which is the day that we all shower. Are you coming with me? Let’s go. I will set everything up.”
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Figure out why she doesn’t want to shower in the first place. Is it the stimulation of the water? Is it being cold when she gets out? Find the root and address it.
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Offer alternatives. For example. When she refuses a shower. Tell her “I respect that you don’t want to shower but cleanliness is a direct order from your doctor. So would you like to do a bed bath instead?”
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Set boundaries. When she starts being mean or combative. Don’t be afraid to be a little firm. “Mom. Hitting is unacceptable and disrespectful and it makes me upset. Please stop.”
“Why are you treating me like this?”
“You are a good Christian woman. Acting like this is not like you.”
“Stop this immediately. This is not an acceptable way to treat others”
Trust me, girl. It’s easier said than done. And it takes lots of time, repetition and consistency. But I can tell you love and care about her and that love is what keeps her alive.
In conclusion: She is elderly. She isn’t working or sweating or getting super “dirty” anymore. As long as she isn’t getting any infections and doesn’t have a super offensive odor, I wouldn’t fixate on a shower schedule too much. She’s lived a long life and doesn’t have many years left to live. Don’t make her spend her last years doing things that she doesn’t want to do. Let her enjoy them
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My friend use yo have to undress then have her mom do the same and they’d shower together
honestly, the nursing home won’t have any easier of a time showering her. but that a decision to make for what’s best for your family❤
Can you hire a PSW to come in the home and help? There trained to help people in this situation.
Talk to her Dr about getting Home Health for her , they will come to the home and help her bathe. It’s paid for by Medicare.
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Just give her a facecloth wash. It might bother her, but not as much as the water pouring on her head.
Sponge baths and have her hair shampooed salon style always good to have extra help but also mite upset her soak her feet wash her legs and encourage its for a reason date special occasion
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I know this may sound weird bc she is in her 80s but buy her some toys to play with in the shower to make it seem less of a chore… baby Ducky’s or a water wheel infant toys are the best entertainment.
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In her mind she a child so make fun …this is hard we just our brother in March to this terrible disease
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Maybe try CBD or speak with doctor about ativan prescription for as needed basis.
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You can have carers come in and shower her in a morning and get her ready
Take down the shower hose and start at her feet and ask her to hold it for you wash she rinses for the hair just use a sponge the first couple of times you are doing great 
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Make it fun. My sister like music 
but if she get crazy 
where she can hurt herself I medicated her with vape pen .She was able to speak lil clearer and calmer. Bath time became lil easier and safer.
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Maybe the pressure of the water pouring over her is the bother…maybe a bath chair? And something she would normally use to bathe…shes an elderly woman and now with dementia sometimes your not being understood! Which is sad…maybe let her pick the fluffy towel and fancy “guest only” wash cloth the special soaps and lotions…she needs control of somethings and this she feels she can control…best of luck
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Most old people don’t like standing up in the shower because of weakness. Maybe a bath or a bed bath
That’s a long time to have dementia
Microfiber cloths and towels, and give her choices that day.
“Which cup do you want your tea in?” Let her pick.
“Do you want to comb your hair with this brush or this one?” And let her choose.
Then when shower time comes “okay mum let’s pick what towel, soap, and cloth etc we are going to use in your shower today”
If its possible maybe having a bath (i dont know her physical condition) but they are far less stimulating.
Also giving her something to look forward too.
“If we shower we can go here, or do this” so she has a motivational reward for her to look forward too.
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My mom makes my grandma take a shower once a week. She’ll threaten her with putting her in a nursing home if she doesn’t so my grandma does because she doesn’t want to go to one.
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Scrubs bath clothes on Amazon
I have worked with some clients that fear showering because they feel closed inside , or fear falling , so they refuse to shower. Some prefer to wash up at the sink, or if you’re lucky to get those that cooperate with you they are willing to bathe once a week. Offer sponge baths by sink or bed baths. Hair salon visits for washing hair.
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Look into a home health aid to help with bathing. Maybe she would rather have a bath.
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I know they have shampoo/body washes for people that don’t require water and to rinse so that may be something to try or a bath.
this is not uncommon, you must remember a person with dementia, are just not the same person they used to be, Their mind is not what it use to be, So unless she really smells, let it go. You are just going to get yourself all worked up & her & for what…really???
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I just spent 2 months in the hospital & rehab and they have cloths and once you wet them they suds up and you don’t need to rinse. They really do leave you smelling an refreshed. You can get them in any pharmacy
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Her identity may now be at the age when she didn’t know what a shower was and she is scared. You will unlikely be able to reason with her. Have you tried standing her at the kitchen sink and suggesting a strip wash and getting naked? Just put a bar of soap in the bowl of water and get her to just wash her hands. She’ll instantly know what to do. Good luck though. I know it’s tough.
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My mother hated taking baths and shower especially if it was a man helping her
Talk to the doctor about putting her on medication that will calm her down. Lorazepam is mostly prescribed for this reason. She takes it 30 mins to an hour before shower and should be more calm. I work in a long term care pharmacy and see it prescribed all the time. If you put her in a home they’re just gonna get her doctor to prescribe it.
You can give her bath without physically putting her in tub or shower.
I ended having to force my aunt after a very long time of her refusing to bathe, insisting she had.
I drew her a bath, told her she smelled very bad & was dirty and that I couldn’t take her anywhere until she cleaned up.
Give her a bed bath and be done with it. REMEMBER, you may be in her shoes someday.
I’ve worked with elderly people that didn’t want to or refused to shower … They often have a fear of falling - this was my Grandpa’s “excuse” as well … Take her to a salon or hire someone to come to your home for hair washing/ styling twice a month … Take her to a salon or hire someone to come to your home for foot care / pedicures twice a month … Sponge baths are fine for most of the month - do “half” her body at a time ; let her stay half dressed & use a pan of warm water with a bit of soap/ body wash & use a washcloth on her upper body while still wearing pants, then get top half dressed & do her (or let her do it) her bottom half - she / you can do this at bedside or in a shower chair in the bathroom / shower area … You’d be surprised how many “old folks” don’t bathe / shower regularly … Hire someone to come once a month to help with showering - you can let her know that if she doesn’t allow *you to help that you’ll be “forced” to hire someone to do it for you … If you don’t already have them, get a case of baby wipes & make sure she uses them after using the toilet every day - you can also use them for wiping armpits, back etc … Be gentle about the subject even if she’s mean - patience patience patience 
it’s really more important that she eats, drinks plenty of fluids, takes her meds regularly & is kept safe 
… Lots of old folks fear falling in the shower or not being able to get out of a bathtub … If you don’t have one get a shower chair & a hand held shower head for when / if you *do get her in there …
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Why not a bath?? And just sit in there with her…play nice music. Say its spa day … I know its hard tho …im a xba myself
Can you hire a home health aid? They might be able to help. Also, have you tried buying a shower chair to put in the shower? This could help if she’s refusing because of a fear of falling.
Bed baths work just as well Xx
Sponge baths are much easier. The sound from the shower is loud to them
Can you get an aid to come in and help…when my husband had cancer he didn’t want any of us cleaning him…when the aid came in it was totally differant. He loved it
I had a client with dementia and a past history of severe trauma who hated to shower. We got her to shower about once a week towards the end.
There’s really no “right” answer. We had to catch her in the right mood. Usually every few days we’d tell her in the morning “today we are going to get a shower in ok? So let me know when you’re ready.” She’d always scream, then go to her room and be alone until she collected herself. Sometimes she’d randomly just come out and say “ok,
Let’s get this over with.” Other times it was still an adamant no and we’d try again the next day.
Singing her favorite songs while in there helped. Keeping talking and keeping her distracted the whole time.
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Get a new gown or bathrobe. Tell her she needs a bath before trying it on. Usually works
I knows what you are dealing, bcuz am dealing with a family member right how in the same way, and will curse us out just to take a bath, and changer her clothes
What about swimming because you have to shower before you swim ? Maybe a little exercise class of just a relaxation
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It’s a common thing. It’s not as important as we think it is. Sponge baths, baby wipes, and patience! My mom couldn’t take a shower (fear of falling) and it took several years to convince my parents to get a walkin tub, and now she gets a bath 1/week, unless she doesn’t feel like it. Yes, several years with no real shower. It didn’t hurt anyone.
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I think it becomes fairly common with the old. It becomes easier to get them to use a rag and a quick wipe down from what I’ve noticed. My mother inlaw doesn’t have dementia but also doesn’t like to regularly shower. Offering to help wash her hair and set up a sponge bath makes things a little less of a “hassel” for her mindset. Its got to be hard dealing with your body changing to that extent. Once they stop moving its hard to get them moving again. Remember that. And consider alternatives for hygiene aside from how you would get cleaned up.
Medication if she’s not on any goes a long way
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Hire a caregiver. They are usually more open to care with someone outside your family
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home health care or hospice
I used to do in home care and found that a lot of the ladies i took care of had favorite treats so id buy them and put on their favorite music. Unless you want to get the state involved they will mandate and in home care company to come bathe her once a week. Also want to add, a lot of the time i had to fill a basin to wash her hair and then sit them on a shower chair and sponge bathe them or have them sit on a potty chair and sponge bathe and dry as i went with baby wash.
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Time to start giving her sponge baths
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With dementia you have to get in her world! Is your father still alive? If not We’re they together when he died? You can always say “mom we gotta take a shower so we can see dad” I know it’s not good to “lie” to them but I’ve worked in a nursing home for YEARS and it’s very important to try to associate it with things they’re familiar with instead of just asking for no reason. We had a course called hand in hand and it was SUPER helpful it may be on YouTube! It tells you just about everything you need to know about dementia and how to persuade someone with it to do things that are good for them.
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I used to care for a woman with dementia. Her son wanted her to shower bathe 3x per week. No hair washing because she got her hair washed and done once a week. What I would do is just set a towel out or something just as a reminder. I learned awfully quick that if ask someone with dementia to do something, they can get very mean. “Why are you trying to tell me what to do?” Try to let her come up with it on her own by setting stuff out as a visual reminder. (like the towel)
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Hmmm. Put on her favorite music in the bathroom. Music is such a profound way to work with them.
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Tell them they have a Dr’s. appt. It worked with my Nana. She was afraid of not being clean for the doctor. Or that we would take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant. It’s very challenging with dementia. Good luck!
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i had a similar problem with my mom. i went in first, then ask her to come. most of the time she did
Honestly… they’re like children… so find something she loves & bribe her! Whatever works!!! Lol. It’s so hard … plus a routine is really good… set aside one day as her “ shower day”. Set up everything ( towel clean clothes etc) the exact same way every week … let it become part of a routine… routine is so important … May the force be with you 
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As long as she doesn’t have wounds or infections pick your battles. Nothing wrong with a sponge bath or bird bath of that’s all you can do. Dementia with our parents and/or grandparents is horrible. And make sure you take care of yourself also.
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Sponge bath, wet wipes…Waterless shampoo…