Why is it only now I’ve walked down baby isles and looked at adorable baby clothes and pictures our imaginary baby wearing them?
Why is it I find myself observing other fathers with their babies and children and feel a burning in my chest where’s as before I had felt nothing?
Nothing… a hollow emptiness with just a flicker of hope?
Is it possible to mourn something you’ve never had? As if you’re finally accepting that you’re not going to have something you’ve literally subconsciously craved your entire life!
Why is it I feel so hopeless for the first time in my adult life?
Why is it I can’t tell my wife how I’m feeling… is it because I’m so use to being the strong one?
Why am I not as excited about adoption as I thought I’d be? I know I’ll love the child more than anything in this world and would never EVER doubt treating them any differently whatsoever
Why is it, why is it…. Not our turn?
While I have not wrestled with fertility issues, my parents did. They had 2 severely handicapped children and had to resort to adoption for a semblance of a “normal” family. You clearly want to adopt as a last resort. Your adopted child will feel that their entire life. You need grief counseling and a heart to heart with your wife. You and your child/children will probably always need therapy as you try to mold them into what you envision you’ve lost. But if you can not get past this grief please don’t adopt. Volunteer for Big Brother/Big Sister or coach for a local kids league. There are other ways to be a father figure without making another child feel like the last resort. Your adopted child may have already been traumatized by the adoption process and have different issues with bonding and abandonment. They will have problems with well intentioned people telling them how lucky they are to have been rescued. Oblivious family will treat them like the black sheep or damaged goods. So keep this in the back of your mind. The baby you adopt has someone else’s traits and tendencies and they will notice this right away. They will always wonder what life will be like if they weren’t given away. They will be 4x more likely to commit suicide, abuse substances and develop mental illness. They have no one to “mirror” so they may have identity and self esteem problems. Adopting is very complicated even as a 2 month old as I was. I hope this just motivates you to take fatherhood seriously and look out fiercely for your child who will just always be looking for acceptance. Good luck.
If this is a real question and this guy is serious about wanting advice all he needs to do is be honest with his wife and honest with himself; and then he will realize that at least for right now, they need to not be actively involved in adoption. They need to deal with their grief of not having their own before jumping into a totally different issue. If he can’t even talk to his wife about his feelings on this than I guarantee the family will fail. How is he going to talk to her when they have an actual baby. And, how is he going to feel about said baby when he already resents it because the only reason they got it was because they couldn’t have one of their own. Yes, I do believe he thinks he would love it just as much; but the fact that the only reason they are going to adopt is because they can’t conceive themselves is something they won’t be able to hide from that kid. The kid will know why they wanted him and that is not a good feeling to have on top of already being separated from every single relative you had. If they can not communicate about their feelings without a child, adding a child will only make it worse for everyone involved.
Heavy sigh… I cant speak as an adoptive parent or the struggles of infertility but I dare say most adoptive parents chose, want and try for one of their own before just settling for adoption and ourselves, which sadly will not be lost upon your adoptive child. And just as adoption isn’t most adoptive parents first choice it’s certainly never a newborns. We may have no choice but to learn to live without our mother’s and be conditioned to call stranger mother/father but at birth SHE alone is our universe.
Why is is that someone laughed at this post?? To the OP…Pray. Let God know what’s on your heart, and ask for help in finding the words to talk to your wife. Your feelings are normal. Best of luck to you both.
We get the kids we are destined to raise, one way or another. Maybe as it gets closer it’s starting to feel more real for you. Nothing wrong with getting nervous before becoming a parent. I was terrified! Mine are 13 and 10 and I’m still sure I’m screwing something up. Don’t overthink it. Just take one day at a time
Adoption is never the child’s first choice, and we adoptees know it’s not the adopters’ first choice either. If you’re having second thoughts about adopting, DO NOT go through with it. Spare a child the trauma and help support family preservation.
Adoptees often spend our lives mourning what we’ve never had, and craving that connection with our blood family which adoption deprived us of. Yes, it is possible to feel that way, and it’s cruel to induce those feelings in a child by adopting them and separating them from their family.
I had infertility for years, tried 7 years, did a year of infertility it didn’t work, takes aloy out of you, when nothing works,
Then I took guardianship of 2 of my cousins kiddos and 2 weeks later found out I was pg, my sons 13 now, and hes the only one but I thank God I could have him, do you have animals, maybe that’d help
Yeah, that’s what every adopted kid in the entire world spends their entire life thinking. Why isn’t it our turn to meet our biological parents? Why wasn’t it our turn for them to keep us? Why isn’t it our turn to feel whole and to feel complete?
You need to grieve the loss of your inability to have biological children, before you dive into being an adoptive parent. All you’re thinking about is yourselves… You have no idea what adopted children live their entire lives feeling…
Trust me, we know that adopting children wasn’t your first choice. And we will always know that. We will spend our whole lives knowing that. Imagine that.
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I am an animal lover if I can love my dog as my very very own with all of my heart,
There’s not a chance in hell you wouldn’t do the same for the child you’ll be adopting. I think it’s just different thoughts and feelings striking you now.
But once you hold your child all those thoughts will melt away and you can no longer imagine your life any other way.
I think these feelings you have now are very normal.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel. It’s normal to mourn something like that.
I was adopted and super grateful that i was given a life…i probably wouldnt have ever known or seen.
Im sorry you are struggling with such tough feelings right now. I really hope everything turns out for the best whatever course that may be
I know this feeling. Very very well. I felt it for many years.
I lost my daughter at 27 weeks.
I know exactly what you are feeling.
I got married in 2018. After I met the one. And I still felt this. Never feeling like It would be my turn.
What you’re feeling and the questions your asking only show that you will be an amazing Dad. Of course you would treat your adoptive child like you’re own but of course you would naturally mourn the fact you couldn’t have your own. Like suggested above maybe try surrogacy. Take a deep breath and know you got this!
I know this feeling all to well I do have children but I lost one of my daughters. I pray that you will fill the void in your heart and feelings with the adoption as many child Need homes but also that you and your wife have your turn and have a child of your own
It’s absolutely possible and normal to grieve the loss of something you wanted. Share your feelings with your wife. Let her help you mourn. It’ll only drive a wedge between you if you go through this alone. Give yourself all the time you need.
It is your turn. You just have to do it a different way. You will be giving a child something they need and that child will give you what you need. Just be patient and pray and when the time is right GOD will give you what you need. Good luck in your journey.